Hi Binder -

Regarding whether to be "compassionate" with the serving, I'd argue that that represents NOT being indifferent. Indifferent to me would be to allow the legal process to proceed without any intervention. Be indifferent to it.

But I can follow an argument for some kind of heads up to her if this is your nature. If you choose to do this, one way could be to send her another copy of the Plan B letter with a handwritten note specifying your earlier words are still good, but you cannot wait forever. Hence, you will file by [date] unless you hear otherwise form her that you shouldn't.

Now the tougher part about telling the kids the truth. I'll just relate my experience as a data point.

My surviving son had just turned 12 when my WS moved out. He witnessed some of the drama between the respective families (recall the OM was my wife's best friend's husband - their family lived only four houses away from us on the same street). Fairly early on I tried to explain to my son that his Mom and Mr. OM were doing something very bad. I chose to attempt an explanation because he was repeating the reasons stated by his Mom - that I was a bad husband and OM's wife was crazy. (Sure she was crazy - her best friend just stabbed her in the back!) My explanations were disregarded in favor of his Mom's more believable ones. (I admit her explanations ARE more believable - the truth often IS stranger than fiction.)

Recall also that to this day, my XW still denies that an affair took place. The reason for our breakup - I was a bad husband. The reason for the other family's breakup - the other Mom was crazy.

The real reasons from my perspective - my wife's inability to deal with the loss of our younger son and her yearning to "replace" him with the other family's kids coupled with the extreme arrogance and selfishness of OM.

Today my son is 16. Since my earlier attempts to explain things to him failed, I have not attempted it since. He still believes his Mom's explanation. She is a master manipulator.

Finally, my point - do not assume your kids will accept your explanations. Do not underestimate your WS's depth of denial and capability for manipulation of her own kids to further her conscience.

As for me, I am confident that my son will someday put it all together. In the meantime, he's been witnessing the same old Dad he grew up with, coaching his baseball teams and taking him sailing in the islands and on fishing trips. He's also witnessing my interactions with my SO. She doesn't think I'm a bad SO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Someday he'll figure it all out and it'll be better that I didn't try to persuade him.

SS, thanks for the suggestions,

I will always hold out a chance for the marriage until it is officially over. This faith, to a large degree, is based on the experiences of others who state that a marriage can be restored and the belief that love is a choice. If I abided by my undisciplined inclinations, I’d be divorced now and OM would just be getting the pins removed from his legs. So an olive branch is a consideration.

I’m on my 4 day weekend so I’ll be taking the kids to my cabin as soon as my son gets out of school this afternoon. The mountain air, the smell of a campfire and my big ole percolator chugging away usually clears my mind. Might even break out the Ian Tyson CD. Of course we went from summer like weather last weekend to the present dusting of snow that’s falling now…my timing sucks.

Prayer is also on the “to do” lost….I’ll continue to seek the divine inspiration in this regard. Right now the lines must be down cause I don't seem to be getting any feedback.

I will concede that visiting a blood relative may be a motivation to go to Toronto…only after begging them to come visit you first and offering to pay for their flight out west to do so.

WAT,

The letter does solve a few problems in that I can state my sincere wishes and prevent her from throwing all the familiar rationalizations back at me. Hers too “is not an affair”.

My letter will likely not hold her to a date though. I would simply state my desire for our family and then ask her to recommit or mercifully finish what she started by filing ASAP. I’ll give it a week, and if nothing….I’ll file.

I’ve brought up the question regarding the children often. I still am not sure as to what route to follow. I do know they will need to hear it some time, I’m just not sure when. My WW will also give a skewed version of this as well to explain how “dating” a married man while being married is OK under some circumstances. My version must be respectful to their mother, but still impart a sense of sorrow for the result it had upon our family and the alternatives that were available. My children are learning that we are defined by our choices and actions…they will figure it out in time.

It’s still snowing.....

No mosquitoes though....

Binder,

I'll leave the parenting advice to those more ...err... qualified....

I will say that you should always tell them the truth, whether it differs from what your WW says or not. Eventually, the kids will do the math, irregardless of how much revisionist history there is.

As far as the actual "serving" situation, if you get to the point where YOU feel comfortable, prepared and are truly, truly ready, then just do it and get to the other side of it. I think WAT's advice is prudent here.

My experience with my church's pastor was a little different. He told me that the covenant that was created before God was destroyed. He admired my efforts, my courage, but God had freed ME from the situation. And that really is the way I look at it now. Sometimes, I feel if maybe I just wasn't listening to Him all of this time. That He kept telling me to leave and I just wasn't getting it. Remember that God always answers your prayers... with either a yes,a no, or a wait.

Enjoy the snow. It's 86 American degrees with a great breeze in Loserana today. Actually have zero complaints about the weather!

Ethan

I'm sure your kids are bright enough that they will not think "dating a married man while being married is ok".

I did tell my kids about the A and I'm glad I did. At the time I expected some impending doom... but it never happened. Instead there was a sense of relief, like a burden had been lifted. It was like I answered the question that they were too scared to ask. I think it started an initiative of total honesty which we really need around our house since the A.

Its good to be careful what you say but in my opinion total honesty is the best course of action and your kids will respect you for it. Your WW on the other hand will be extremely pissed I'm sure (I don't even know if my WW knows I told the kids). But do we care what she thinks?

Miker

Oh ya....but what about the mosquitoes??!!

Thanks for popping in again Ethan...After reading up on the pertinent verses myself, I reaffirmed that I'm free to leave. It's that kid factor that tugs at ones sensibilities.

Miker, obviously I'm having a tough time with the decision regarding the timing and the method to tell my children. I appreciate your testimonial and will add it to the list of perspectives I've been offered. I'll make my decision sometime, just not ready to commit yet.

Well the packing’s almost done for the tip to the cabin, just gotta mail off my taxes, pick up my son from school, stop for a greasy burger (I indulge myself on our way to the cabin) and then into God's country. I hope he's home.

Honesty is an act of love, in my opinion. I agree very much with what you are saying. My opinion on this has changed since my daughter is getting older, and since I have been on MB. Before I would never think of telling her the truth about her dad and his affairs when I was pregnant, but now I value the truth far too much to keep this from her. I have not had reason to tell her yet, but when she is older and questions me, it is something we will discuss.

For her it would not change the way she feels about her dad, because she loves him so much. But she will have the truth, and I would imagine it will help her in her own life with making decisions and how she reacts to lifes problems.

Binder - Have a great weekend!