I have devoured enough of the information here to be hopeful, and am trying to get my hands on Dr. Harley's book, hopefully very soon, but feel a great need for advice and input in the meantime, and really all the time. Somewhere just after mid-January, maybe the 18th or 19th, my H turned to me in bed & said he was planning to leave. I didn't know it at the time, but he had already applied for a house for rent nearby. Over the next day or two he did reveal information to me about which needs he felt were not being met, along with a lot of other stuff I now know to be fog.

We had been so happy for almost 9 years, very affectionate, great sex life, in spite of 3 small children & elderly grandparents (now just GP). I was so shocked, but figured since he wasn't leaving for a day or two I had a chance, albeit a small one. I immediately went to work to correct everything, additionally showering him with love & affection that got 0 response. It was like hugging & kissing a rock, tho our sex life was better than ever. Feb. 12 was d-day, when he said he had been seeing someone else. Initially I was relieved to find out there was a reason for how he was suddenly treating me, and determined with the aid of much prayer to continue being loving & kind, & doing my best to make home attractive for him since he hadn't left yet. He said he was having a hard time choosing between me & the OW, & I said I would wait as long as it took for him to choose, naively expecting a week, @ the most 2 before he gave HER the boot. He said it was only an EA, but seemed powerless to end it.

At the beginning of March he admitted upon direct questioning that he intended to take her with him on an out-of-town trip that weekend, so, desperate to prevent the breakover to PA, I gently lit into him, saying that his duty to his children demanded that he break up with her immediately & begin working to restore our home so the little ones wouldn't be destroyed. The evil replicant (I love that description, thank you to whoever thought of it) was enraged & swore at me, saying that he would do it for them, not for me, and I'd better stay away from him.

It may have made a large withdrawal from the LB at the time, but it bore fruit. He ended up inviting me on the weekend instead, & became more affectionate, holding my hand again & telling me he loved me for the first time in an eternity. On the way home he admitted that within the last week it had become a PA already, but only one time. It was several days before I felt up to resuming sex, and only after appropriate inquiries as to what protection was used. When we got home he went that night to see her and B/U, but came home, hugged me, & said he just couldn't do it - she was crying, broken, had no one else but him, etc. etc., she dragged out the ILY card @ the most effective time, & besides he still owed her money he had borrowed for his business. Not sure what else to do, I continued my unwitting Plan A actions, but became increasingly emotionally distraught as it dragged on, & physically weaker as lack of sleep & food took their toll.

Even so, it seemed at first as if the obsession had been broken: he was still responsive to my affection, tho not reaching out much, still said ILY, & no longer kept his cel ph with its incessant test msgs & calls by his side. Even now he usually just leaves it in the car when he's home. His great plan was to 'ease her away slowly', & more than 2 mo past d-day he's still 'easing'. I know from some of the few things he has said about her that she has at least several times put pressure on him to hurry up & join her, unencumbered with his inconvenient family & wife, of course, & he also doesn't like the fact that she regulary drinks heavily.

But here's the kicker, without saying anything to me until it was done, he hired her on to work for our company, since she lost her job in the time just before d-day, & after all, he had borrowed that money from her... The only satisfaction I get out of it is the knowledge that it must have galled to get her first paycheck with my signature on it. But WHAT IS HE THINKING?????? What do I do?

Another bright side is that without my having to do or say anything, gossip is now raging among the employees, & has spread from there into his circle of friends, several of whom have called me to express concern & support. WH has no idea yet that he is the subject of so much talk, & I can guarantee he won't like it when he finds out. The whole thing frustrated me to the point where I felt like we were worse off than when we started since it seemed like he was casting her up in my face so publicly, tho remaining as affectionate as before. After much more prayer I decided it was time for what I now know is Plan B, & sat down to say my piece. I got as far as 'Until you completely stop contacting her, none of us can heal, including her,' & it was like God put his hand over my mouth before I said more. There was no loss of courage or anything like that; I think maybe He just wanted me to see that I was now strong enough to walk away any time I need to, bcuz knowing that has empowered me to stay.

Later that day (4/15)I found MarriageBuilders & felt so encouraged, tho still I am going a bit crazy over employing the OW. Here is where we stand today: still hugs, kisses, ILY's, great sex every day or close to it, he comes home each night unlike at the beginning, & voluntarily spends time with the family, e.g. today he took me w/him to town to run errands then came back & got the kids for a family outing. But on the other hand, he still sees her, talks to her, EMPLOYS HER!!!!, & except for a couple days ago when he was angry & said he was leaving us both, shows no sign to me, anyway, that the affair is disintegrating. Comments please! I am committed to whatever it takes, I just need to know more of what that is. Is there more I can do? Thank you for anything you can help me with.

PS Though I have lost 20 lbs since this started, I am eating & sleeping better, & overall in much better shape than any time in the past 3 mo.

a good slid plan a.....part of that is exposure. it is time to expose them. im guessing she isnt married? if she is you expose to him. if not you expose at work. also let him know what is being said. then if that doesnt break them up i would seriously consider plan b. your first and foremost boundry for him being allowed the privilage to stay is to go total nc. get her out of your business and out of your lives. period....no excuses...and yes there will be consequences but he threw himself into them....his choice.

second is he starts counseling....steve harley is fantastic if you can do it. if not find the best pro marriage counselor you can. counseling is mandatory.

i hope this helps with where to start.

I agree with Nikko. Except in the exposure, start with the few people who could have the most impact - her husband, his/your parents and if that isn't enough start widening the circle of exposure.

Get your Plan B letter too. It sounds like you have done a very good Plan A. He has fence sat long enough, more Plan A could be more destructive than positive.

Be prepared for major anger from him regarding exposure.

She is not married. I already told both our parents, & both moms are a major support for me. His mom does tend to take the most positive slant on his behavior, but agrees he is not in his right mind and should not be doing this. There are still 1 or 2 business associates that might not know. Thank you so much for posting.

I guess I have the same question for both of you. SH recommends about 6 mo of Plan A, & I have been mentally preparing myself to last so long. If, post-exposure, it is time for B, that's fine and will be easier on me, but could you explain a little more of why A could end up being destructive? I appreciate so much the time you are taking to help.

The only new info since last nite is that I now know that, if the PA is not still ongoing, he wishes it did.

Sounds like exposure has already occurred, just not yet visible to him. Excourage the folks who gave you support to continue to spread the gossip. Gossip is good - better if it gets exaggerated.

What kind of business is this? Does it not have any ethical standards regarding sexual harassment? This is exactly what's taking place. Any other person in the business could make a third party sexual harassment claim and have it easily stick. The logic - you gotta sleep with the boss to get ahead in this outfit.

You're not ready for Plan B and likely won't need it. Plan B isn't available to you until you have a physical separation, which you won't need, IMHO.

Stop signing the checks. Do NOT be an accomplice in the workplace sexual harassment and do NOT be an accomplice in the affair.

Time is on your side. "Drinks heavily." This will contribute to her undoing.

Got to take the oldest (8) to his testing in 15 min & haven't showered, so must make this quick.
1. Security/investigations business, of course needs a solid reputation for 'ethicalness'.
2. RE: "Plan B isn't available to you until you have a physical separation, which you won't need, IMHO." By physical separation do you mean no sex, or no proximity? Is IMHO I'm hoping?

I've read quite a few of your posts & found them so helpful. Thank you!

PS 10-4 on the check signing. Also, one of his old friends is going talk to him and, as he put it, 'slap him up the side of the head', & sexual harrassment was one of the issues he was going to raise.

physical separation = living apart

IMHO = In my humble opinion

Usually, one of the criteria for granting anybody a security clearance is verification of "reliability and trustworthiness."

Where I come from, being a liar and adulterer tends to soil such a determination. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Does your business have any such criteria for employment? Hmmmmmmm?

WAT

Apparently not. Maybe we should run an ad in the paper - MISTRESSES WELCOME. It's so disheartening to see someone who has always been so honorable sink to this. Evil replicant evil replicant evil replicant. I just have to keep reminding myself.


Loved the link. When I read it the first time the other day I didn't know it was you. Great info!

told his mom to no longer conceal that i had told her everything. it is such a relief to be fully 'out'.

Good job.

Be prepared for a unearthly angry response from your husband. You are the problem, OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Get it?

When he accuses you of ruining his life and violating his privacy, simply and calmly respond that you were only violating his secrecy - to the benefit of all.

DO NOT argue with him. When in doubt about what to say, say nothing. A good universal response to everything is, "I undersatnd your concern."

OK?

WAT

Thanks for the words of encouragement, WAT. I'll brace myself the best I can.

Made it through this Wednesday, the third in a row where he has not seen her. I found out from early text messages on his cell that something was special about Wed., e.g. '4 u every day could b Wednesday', & I know she tries to get him to come over to stay, especially on Wed's. Tonight he did sit & IM her off-and-on while he worked on his computer, but stayed home with me & enthusiastically filled his husbandly duties when he was finished. That's a good thing, right? (Except for the IMs, obviously) It will make her mad, right? I'm really tired and trying to look on the bright side. I hope she starts ratcheting up the pressure soon.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I thought of a whole new group of people to inform. I will talk to the office lady @ the place where WH still works part-time and OW used to work when this started. Another day, another duh. There are probably rumors over there like crazy, too, and I just want to spread the truth. Thanks again to all of you.

Just so we're clear, it hasn't been 3 wks since he saw her at all, just more than 3 since they got together on their 'special day'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

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