I've been with my wife since high school and married her shortly after graduated college. We've been together 22 years and married for 12. We have a 3 year old daughter. My wife is a school teacher and began an affair last year in January. I knew for 9 months or so before I actually accepted it and confronted her. Unfortunately I had to hire a detective and then looked at her cell phone records. It was horrible, she was calling him 4 or five times a day, including holidays. She claimed she only met him the one time alone and there was no physical contact of any kind. She refused to quit her job and basically said that she would have no contact with him at work and that she wouldn't go out until 2 am anymore. Still she wants to go out with friends after work and also on her yearly ski trip for the weekend with some girlfiends.

She shutdown completely about talking about the affair (about two weeks after the "discovery") and I couldn't stop asking questions. Counseling wasn't much help, as they never addressed the many inconsistancies in her story or how important it was for her to be honest.

I began to worry that maybe the affair wasn't completely over, so I rehired the detective and looked at his cell phone records. I discovered that he was calling my wife's best friend. When I confronted my wife, she claimed she didn't know anything about it, but admitted to giving her friend his phone number. Finally Sunday, I found out indirectly through a conversation that her mom had with my mom that my wife did know about the calls. She said he was calling her friend because he thought I was "stalking him". Which I wasn't. I was going to her place of work unannounced, but I never talked to him or confronted him. Also, one of the calls was the day after we had gotten home from a week vacation in Florida, so I don't know how I could of been "stalking" him during that time. They also were all made while my wife was away from the home. She claims she didn't have any contact with him or talk to him directly.

This all blew up Sunday, when I called her friend to find out why she was talking to him (I waited on my wife to make the call, but since she knew about them, she didn't want to call her friend in front of me). It didn't go well and the friend hung up on me. My wife blew up and said she wanted a divorce. I left the house for a few hours and came home to find a For Sale Sign in the front lawn. The next day I scheduled a meeting with an attorney and started the paperwork. I called my wife on the phone numerous times to see if she really wanted a divorce, she said she didn't know, but couldn't live this way anymore either. During the meeting I had the attorney split everything fifty-fifty, but decided to hold filing the paperwork until my wife and I had some time to cool down. I told my wife this, and she seemed to feel this was a good idea.

Since cooling down, my wife is less sure she wants the divorce, but still is unwilling to make any significant sacrifices to elevate my anxiety. She will not stop contact with the friend and claims I am being controlling by asking her to do this. I feel that she is keeping the friend to keep a door open to the OM. I could be wrong, but I just don't know what to do. She says she feels smothered by my checking her phone records and stopping by her work.

I am at a loss as to what to do. The counselor believes that Renee is in withdraw, but won't admit it. Yet he will not address any of the things she is doing to hurt the marriage. I've been told that I need to put the past behind me and move on. I guess I am now willing to do that, if she will try and make an effort to make our relationship safe. She doesn't seem to be.

She's going to an attorney today. It seems we are on a train that we can't stop or get off of. I love my wife and I've honestly forgiven her, but I don't want to live in an enviroment that doesn't put the families needs and safty first.

What to do, what to do?

Hi Grove

Okay...first Plan A and Plan B aren't something she does, or does with you. They are things you do on your own. Have you read about the basics on the main site?

Slooow down though, on the divorce talk. It sounds like she is still having the affair? It sounds like she's pretty deep in the fog right now, from some of the things you say she has said. I'm not going to say your counselor is wrong (he has a degree, I don't <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> ) but it's rather unreasonable for him to suggest you move on and get over it. Any possibility of finding another counselor?

Anyway I'm sorry this is happening! Keep posting, and read the main site! Hopefully one of the regulars will see this post and offer you some better advice!

Sio

Quick update.

Wife went to her attorney today. She didn't file, but said that things had to change. She would give the marriage some time if I stopped all conversations about the affair and if I was willing to be less "controlling". This means allowing her to go out with friends, no more checking her cell phone, no more unannounced visits where she works, not expressing my concerns over her maintaining a friendship with someone who calls the other man to discuss our relationship, and to act like I'm having fun again.

She has basically given me an ultimatum to get off her back and forget she had an affair. The way she said this bothered me more than what she was saying. Here was a woman who cheated on her husband for a year, and is unwilling to make any sacrifices to ease my pain and create a safe enviroment for our family and/or marriage.

I really wanted to try Plan A, but I do think it takes both parties.

Hi again Grove,

Are you absolutely certain she is no longer having an affair?

How was your marriage before the affair?

Plan A does not require the participation of both parties. The whole point of Plan A is to show your spouse that you are an appealing alternative to the other person. It means looking at yourself objectively, and taking responsibility for the damage you have caused the marriage before your spouse's affair, and doing your absolute best to try to change those things for the better. Doing Plan A is about avoiding draining any more love your wife has for you (love busting), It is about showing her the best side of you, consistently, to break through the affair fog. That is the whole purpose of Plan A. To end the affair. Do you see now what I mean by it not requiring the participation of both parties? It is truly all about what YOU do...the betrayed spouse.

From your posts it sounds like your wife may still be having an affair. The calls between the OM and her friend are just fishy, and her behavior, wanting privacy and wanting to stay out late with friends, and wanting you to not check up on her in any way are pretty typical for someone still having an affair. Is this normal behavior for her? Or is it only since she began the affair?

If you are sure the affair is over, how long has it been over? How did the affair end? If it is truly over, your wife is probably in some pretty nasty withdrawal, and it may be wise to just back off *for now*. Let her have some space and avoid love busting. However, and I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like she may still be involved with this guy to some degree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Even if they are just having lunch together or talking in the break room.


Sio

I don't know what's normal anymore. She’s always gone out with friends after work. But I thought she would ease off for a while if she wanted to make our marriage work.

I believe she is still involved with the OM in some way, she says she's not, but the other day she was a little vague. She's going out tonight with some girlfriends, which isn't a huge problem (if she does meet with them). The problem is that she's meeting them at 7 pm (she gets off work around 4 pm) and isn't coming home first. She's going "shopping". I've considered having her followed to confirm that she is just shopping, but I'm not sure what this will accomplish.

Still stuck wondering what to do. This is controlling my life and she doesn't seem to be willing to help make it better.

Heya Grove,

I'm not going to be around much this weekend, but hopefully one of the regulars will maybe stop by and offer some advice. I hope you're doing okay!

I have another question for you. Do you know what your wife's emotional needs are? Another aspect of Plan A is to try to meet your spouse's emotional needs (at least the needs she is willing to allow you to meet).

I am very hesitant to tell you what you should do. I'm not an expert. My only experience is having gone through my husband's affair 1 1/2 years ago, and what I have read on my own. That said...I think it would serve you well right now to launch a total Plan A. Avoid lovebusting at all costs, if you snoop, don't get caught <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> . Try to meet her emotional needs that she will allow. Be loving and patient, avoid angry outbursts, show her the guy she fell in love with. IF she is still involved with her other man, she probably won't respond all that favorably at first. It may seem like she doesn't even notice, over time though it will have an effect.

One more thing, make sure you're taking care of yourself (I know, easier said then done, right?). I hope your weekend goes well.

Sio

Hi Grove,
I can attest to curiosity and wanted to know simply the truth about what your W is doing, but what are you going to do with any onformation gathered on your W and the OM. I would suggest that if you are still going to stay afterwards then do not snoop. If you are seeking a divocre then snoop at your will. I do beleive you should exhaust all possibilities with your wife befor giving up. Try not to mention the affair it does stir up muddy waters, only focus on the future, suggest activities together with firends, allow her space and you take you some time and space as well. Alllow her the opportunity to see if she still loves. But remain faithful, to her and to yourself. If she will not bend then she will not break. Stay stroing and good luck!

James7