Don't know if this is where I am supose to post this but here I go.A little of my story I have lost the love and feelings for my wife for about 2yrs never told her.So about 5 months ago I meet somebody online and we talked everyday online and on the phone she lived 1200 miles away.We never did meet just talked on the phone to each other.Anyway my wife thoughti was cheating and got a itemized cell bill and saw all the calls from her to me and vice versa.So since that day I have had no contact with the other woman.For thoose of you that have cheated and stayed with there spouse.How long does the pain last after losing the other person.Me and my wife are trying to work things out if they can be.

Aren't you one lucky guy to be given a second chance by your wife ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Don't blow it !

This is a gift of love to you from your wife.


Welcome to MB ... read all of the site, not just the discussion board.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Confused, welcome to Marriage Builders. Her pain will probably take anywhere from 12 to 18 months to recede. The betrayal of an affair is a major traumatic shock to a spouse and takes time and enormous work from which to recover. I would put it right up there with a death of a child. And that recovery is only *IF* you do all of the right things in order to reassure her and rebuild trust, such as:

1. answering all of her questions openly and honestly

2. sending a no contact letter to the OW telling her your affair was a huge mistake

3. opening your life up to her so this doesn't happen again; ie: give her passwords, cell phone records, put a key logger on the computer for example

And lastly, but most importantly, y'all need to find out what happened here and why you had this affair? Is the problem a character issue or is there a lack in the marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair? Why do you think you did this?

Confused, I also wanted to comment on this statement. All married couples fall in and out love over the duration of the marriage. No marriage is immune to this. However, this never justifies an affair. True love is much more than the feeling de' jour, it is a committment. No marriage would last if fidelity were contingent upon the feeling of the day.

You asked, "How long does the pain last after losing the other person."

It varies from person to person. It is usually measured in months, not years. My guess is 6 to 12 months, although some will say less and others will say more.

The big issue is to try to find out what you and your W can do to make your M better. Have you considered marriage counseling?

ditto the others


You WERE cheating. If you think you weren't just because you never met her, you're wrong.

As soon as you accept this, and admit it to your wife, it will help you move on.

Good luck in re-starting your marriage.

We are going to counseling.Went last night actually.And I have said I am sorry to her.She just keeps digging to find more information.And at the session I said in order for us to move forward we need to put it behind us.I told her when we go out this door it has to stop we need a fresh start.Stop digging for more if you don't I will stop trying and the counselor said are you willing to do that and she said yes so we will see.

You had the affair. Let her pick how to resolve this. If she needs to know, she needs to know.

A big part of rebuilding trust is for you to be totally transparent. Your desire to bury this and forget it only makes you feel better and does nothing to rebuild her trust in you.

I for one hope she says your solution to bury it is unacceptable. Perhaps you can trust her and tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Otherwise, if you bury it, neither of you get the benefit of learning from what happened, what you got out your emotional affair and what you were missing from her.

Goodness, it's still all about you, isn't it? What's wrong with meeting HER need to know, HER need to rebuild trust HER way.

You are the one who strayed, and now you want to make conditions on reconciliation.

You are full of yourself.

I hope she says no to that aspect of your plan. I don't say this in anger, I say it because I believe it's the better course of action.

T

I think you have unreasonable expectations.

Your wife has been violated. She has an innate need to sort this out in her own time and you cannot make that go any faster. She cannot just walk out the door and it be "all better."

If your counselor thinks this can be done, he/she either doesn't have the experience or never had to to it him/herself.

You are not in control here. Your wife is. It's terrific that you can say you're sorry. But can you feel it? Can you stop being selfish and allow her to decide how she needs to heal?

WAT

Confused, she must have ALL of her questions answered openly and honestly in order to EVER recover and "move on." If you want her to recover, you must tell her everything she wants to know. She has right to know every detail as these are details about her life that have been wrongfully WITHHELD from her. Telling her EVERYTHING is the least you can do if she is willing to stay with you.

Your marriage cannot recover from your adultery as long as you continue have secrets from her. Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lying and secrets.

So, just suck your gut in like a man and tell her the whole unvarnished truth. It won't be easy, but it is much easier than the betrayal she is suffering from. She is your victim and this is the LEAST you owe her.

I would emphasize that she will never - and should never - learn to trust you again until you answer her questions honestly and openly. Again, that is the LEAST you owe her.

That was probably the rudest thing you could have done. If you silence her and never let her talk about it again, you will regret it. You have done something (an affair) that has totally undone her world and asking her not to talk about it is unfair.

Edited to take out snippy-ness....sorry!

Think of your wife as having been emotionally raped. What kind of recovery is needed for a rape victim? Both of us being guys probably cannot fathom that situation. That's your starting point.

Print out this post and give it to both her and the counselor. Ask your wife to come to this forum so she too can have its benefits.

WAT

I would say you really need to do some reading. Read this whole site and go get the book Surviving an Affair.

It isn't going to just go away. The pain you are feeling for the other woman is not nearly comparable to the pain your wife is feeling right now. There is no way to mask that kind of pain. She will have to grieve and recover in her own time.

Please don't try to rush it or her or it won't work, plain and simple.

In my opinion you need to get a new MC. One that has MB skills.

HINY

Confused,
dont let what these folks have to say scare you away. Their opinions about how this must be handled are solidly based in reality. They are not trying to be mean, they are sharing everything they know to be the truth in order to save your marriage. I am in no way an experienced marriage builder, but I can tell you that if you listen and apply the solid advice that is being offered, you have a shot at saving your marriage. Some counselors are just collecting paychecks and could care less about your marriage as long as you keep making appointments and writing checks. Dont be sucked into that. Follow the marriage builders principles and stay the course with them for as long as it takes. I dont know if you and your wife are spiritual or not, but my advice is to put God first in your lives and then make sure your marriage is a very close second. Do that and I believe everything will fall into place for you. It wont be easy but it can and will be done. Good luck.

Please listen to the replies here.

Your wife has to be able to deal with this in her way.

I was just like her in that I needed to know everything... I wanted to know dates, times, positions, thoughts, feelings, everything. I would ask more than once. I would wait and ask more.

In a way it helped me to purge the images I had in my head. NOTHING that you say is going to be worse than what your wife pictures in her own walking nightmares. I guarantee it.

There may be some suprises for her and things that hurt her to hear. You had an affair. You can not get around hurting her.

But keeping those memories to yourself continues an intimacy and connection to another woman that your wife is not a part of.

That is another reason I wanted to know everything. I couldn't stand the secrets he shared with another woman. It gave the OW 'one up' on me I guess.

Please consider the fact that not sharing with her is for YOU not her. You betrayed your wife. Sharing what she needs to heal is something you need to do.

Do it for her and for yourself. Make this a truly selfless act for her. You will never regret doing it and helping her to heal.

In fact, you may find that in helping her to heal...you help to ease your own pain. She has given you the gift of a second chance. Now it is your turn to help her.

Good luck to you and your wife.

FIM

I have told the wife everything.But she still wants to dig for more stuff which I understand.And i realize I have hurt her.And it is going to take time to get over this.I realize all this.And i have been trying to figure out went wrong years ago in the relationship.I know i was wrong for what I did I am not saying it wasn't.

Please invite your BW (Betrayed Wife) to this site so that she can start reading the info pages too.

There are things the BS must do also even while they are emotionally shattered (just as a WS must do things even while they are in withdrawal from their affair partner).

Please let your BW know about this discussion board too. There are many people here who will help her get her footing so that she can do her marital recovery work too.

Inviting your BW to this site would be a giving thing to do. If you don't invite her and instead keep this to yourself, you would just be continuing selfish behavior. Which will you choose?

Thanks for the advice i will ask her if she wants to.And go from there.She hardly ever gets on the internet so i will see.

Confused,
I know that this must be a very tough time for you and you are struggling with a lot right now. However, I want to salute you for coming on to this forum. It must not have been an easy thing to do. Your presence here shows a lot concerning your desire to save your marriage and I want to commend you for that. There will be strong words here and the occasional 2x4. But it is all a necessary part of the process. So, in spite of the strong words, know that everyone is glad you are here and trying.

confused, I know it is hard on you, but it really will help you both in every way possible if you GLADLY [please don't gag!] answer her every question no matter how often she asks the same thing. See, she is testing you in order to rebuild trust. By being willing to answer her questions, you are helping her learn to trust you again. See what I mean? But, if you shut her down she will think you are hiding something, which works against you and undoes all the hard work you have done so far!

Just your willingness to answer each and every question will go A LONG way in reassuring her and will save you months of tortuous questions. Your willingness counts for alot! It is to your benefit to fully cooperate. Please believe me when I say this.