I'm 35, no kids, married 12 years. Things were going along, I was working hard and we were a little distant like we often were during those times. We'd talked about it and I'd send flowers and notes as I could. Our sex life was fine and we did fun stuff on the weekends. Yesterday, I come home to a letter, a signed-by-her separation agreement giving me everything and requiring my signature, a copy of a no fault divorce petition, her lawyers phone number, a meal in the fridge and a closet empty of her clothes.

The summary of the letter was: she'd been having an affair with some guy for two years. She loves him. He proposed, has enough money that she needs nothing from the marriage and she's done.

I really have no idea why to do. My heart is broken. Or I think it's broken, I'm mostly stunned. I have no idea how to contact her. Her parents have passed and she was an only child. Her cell phone is on the dresser. I called her friends and they are sympathetic but stonewalling.

I just read some other fellow's "my wife cheated one weekend, but she's still around" thread and I must admit that I had some empathy, but I also had some envy. I mean, what the hell? At least he gets to participate in the process of his life. It's so hard not to feel like a victim here.

There's a part of me that says.... the broken heart will mend and I'm not too old to have kids. Let her go and move on. There's another part that just has no idea what to do.

I'm just completely stuck. Advice?

Welcome to MB...its never a good day to HAVE to find this site, but there is a lot of good info and GREAT people here.

My heart goes out to you...it would seem that trying to win back WW is a lost cause...can you even contact her or is she GONE?

If you can contact her, I wouldn't expect that there is much you can say or do that will change her mind. Take solace in the fact that ANY relationship built on deceit and lies WILL have trouble...I am a perfect example

With all of the preparation that your WW was involved in the departure, were I in your shoes, I would be REALLY be inclined to get some IC to help me get over the loss, as it is a "death" of sorts. Your friends will be a HUGE help during this ordeal...rely on the good ones...they won't let you down.

Don't mean to be a downer, but things look grim...take care of yourself...post often...NO ONE deserves what WW did to you...Keep your self-worth intact...don't let WW's actions dictate how YOU see yourself.

Good luck...I really mean it...

WNB

No idea how to get in touch with her. Called the lawyer. He is happy to discuss settlement / legal issues but is also unwilling to pass along personal messages or information. What's to discuss, she's giving me everything? What I'm going to do with a extra car I have no idea.

I honestly have no idea what to do. I kind of have a faith issue with this. I had thought that marriage was forever and annointed by God, but that was clearly crap. Marriage is like employment. It is at will. She wants this. She is going to get this and there's really nothing I can apparently do.

Gee, that's attractive. Victim mentality and powerless.

Screw her, I'm signing up with match.com. It's time to realize that a sunk cost is a sunk cost and invest in counseling, booze, gym membership and internet dating in equal measures. No point in languishing over what's done or hard as hell to do anything about.

Oh, and I suppose I should add that I find very little solace in the idea that her next love will fail. There's no healing in bitterness, I don't think. I guess I hope she's really going to be happier, and that I can find something to make me happier too.

I hope you can find some peace with this...the next few months are probably going to suck, but keep your support around you...don't booze it up, your problem will STILL be there, even when your puking your guts out...

You WILL live...You WILL find someone worthy (and deserving)of you and this will soon be a bad memory.

You HAVE to believe that...

WNB

Nebian,

No, don't go to the booze. Yes, yes, do the gym and expend your energies/frustrations in a productive manner. Think of it this way. If she did change her mind for some 1 in a million reason, would you want her to come through the door and see you a drunken mess? NO! If she comes back after 1 week or 1 month, maybe she will find you getting in better shape and pulling yourself together. Don't go to the booze! Plus at the gym you will meet people and be uplifted.
Also, I think you need to keep reading through this site and see if you can analyze an area where you might have failed to meet her EN's. Get ready for the next woman in your life. I plan to.

hang in there. Gym yes. Booze NO!

Man, you give up so easy...

Don't want the divorce? Don't sign the papers. Contest it.

Read everything you can on this site. Especially the part about why women leave men.

Even if you can't get an adequate explanation from her, you may be able to improve your relationship skills to the point that you can avoid this in the future.

Sell the extra car to pay the legal bills.

BTW, stay away from match.com. You're not ready and won't be for a while.

Low

Booze advice: Yes. No booze. Good advice.

Match advice: Yes. Cooling off period is good advice. May be time for a new hobby. I've always wanted to wind surf.

Fixing myself: Yes. Had first session with a counselor today. It was good. I've got some things to work on for sure. Also read the his needs / her needs book last night, it was a quick read. The EN part was good. Learned some things there.

I am leaving the site. I like the emotional needs sections of his needs / her needs. I no longer seem to agree with the "marriage should be saved at all costs" part. And it seems a backbone of this site.

I don't agree because of what I've read here on the board. I mean, I spent a long time reading the site and some of the things that betrayed people do and write -- The bitterness they have and harbor and almost seem to revel in -- well, it just seems unhealthy to me. Even the people who say things are going well, the glee they take in hurting other folks saying "it's necessary." I'm just not an ends justifies the means kind of fellow. The ire and anger some people have here -- even some of the elders of the board. It's not healthy, at least not for me.

I'm grieving, crying all the time actually. But my heart has been broken before and it will mend. Perhaps not broken this badly, but it will still mend. Fixing myself would be easier with her participation, but I'm a clever fellow, I know there's stuff to do now and I can fix it with the help of the counselor.

My path is not here.

So good luck folks and thanks for the kind intent. Best wishes to you all.