Hi I'm new to this board and would appreciate your opinion on my situation. I've been married 8 yrs and have two small children.

On Valentine's day this year I found out about my H's EMAs. It took a few weeks of investigation after that to find out the extent of the deceit (2 OWs over 3 months) plenty of lies.

Instead of dropping the OW though, he would continue lying and seeing her. I was ready to end our marriage several times. He would beg me not to and tell me that he wants his family and marriage back.

He has continued to tell me he wants to straighten things out bc he knows we have a great future together and he sees the bigger picture. He says he strayed bc he was unhappy with his business and our finances. He says the attention he got from other women was addicting. He didn't mean to fall for someone and it just happened. He met someone who he fell in love with and she fell in love w/him. She is single and has no children.

What is strange is that she reminded him of a younger me (looks and personality). After 3 years of dating, we got an unexpected pregnancy when we were 25 and married soon after that. He said it was like stepping back in time and continuing our lives before we had to start a family. He said she's an innocent party and feels terrible for hurting her (but what about me??!)

Finally, after almost 2 months of almost divorcing, he has promised to end contact with the OW. He claimed its been emotionally hard for him to end it even though he wants the marriage and to do the right thing.

Its been 3 days since he ended it with her. He's been very depressed and moody. I read about the withdrawal period so I'm keeping enough distance and making sure our conversations are light (unless he initiates something deeper).

What is weird is that our passion has grown - meaning he initiates sex often and has told me several times he's very attracted to me and always has been. But as far as being himself towards me, that is gone. No more "I love you's" or wanting to do things together (except cuddle and watch TV).

This is a man who was so in love with me. What keeps me going in this marriage is how special he used to make me feel and we were best friends. I'm mourning the loss of that relationship.

We went to MC a few times in February but he was dodging the therapist's questions like bullets. I decided to stop pursuing MC unless he offered himself. So far, no offer.

So everyday feels like a million years. Without getting help through IC or MC on his part, I don't feel like we are going to get through this.

His lack of interest in my feelings and emotions and his moodiness makes me depressed. I am very sad my H is mourning the loss of his EMA now that he has decided to return to our marriage. I feel like he will always compare me to her. I can't offer what she has and feel like he's not happy being around me anymore. What a blow to my life.

I value marriage and family. Why else would I be doing this. But what do I do now that he's decided to be in the marriage but doesn't do much to heal the emotional damage?

Did you mail a "no contact" letter from him to the ow?

No letter. He didn't want to hurt her feelings and tell her the truth. He talked to her in person. He probably lied to her and told her I'm pregnant and "had" to go back to the Marriage. Either that or he's now lying to me and still seeing her. He didn't give me the details and I didn't ask.

Instead I keep a very close watch over his actions - check his v/m and online bank account several times a day. The cell phone bill is available on Monday. I'll know for sure if he's still talking to her (then probably seeing her again).

I do notice that when he is seeing her, he tends to be in a good mood and loving towards me. When he's not seeing her, he's distant. That is so odd to me! Cake-eater.

No letter. He didn't want to hurt her feelings and tell her the truth.
You should insist on it. His affair hurt your feelings. Who should he be more willing to make it better for? You or her?

He talked to her in person. He probably lied to her
I'd bet a patcheck ge did lie.

Either that or he's now lying to me and still seeing her.
Very possibly he is. Many affairs don't end simply because they get caught.

I do notice that when he is seeing her
Is this no longer happening or do you mean simply when he sees her "around", (not in an affair sense)?

Cake-eater.
As long as you allow it, he will do it.

BIG update!!

Last night H was supposed to be home at 5. Of course, no call by 6 sets me straight to suspicious mode. Finally reached him at 7 by phone and he made up a story about dropping off his cousin at a friends. Ok, so I call the friend, and guess what, never happened.

H didn't come home until 6am today (same bull&*%! pulled many times to see OW) BUT THIS TIME his clothes and stuff were neatly stuffed into garbage bags on our front porch.

The locks are being changed and the house is going to be sold (can't afford it by myself).

He was sooo surprised and immediately started saying sorry and begging to come back. Bottom line, if he shows consistent actions, then we'll discuss him coming back.

He agreed to call OW with me there in room to break things off for good. We'll do that this afternoon when he makes his visit. He also agreed to get his wedding-ring sized and actually wear it.

We'll see how much he really wants this. In the meantime, I'm making plans w/o him with the least contact as possible.

No more eating my cake!

Hang in there girl! I asked the same question about while my WH is talking to the OW I get alot more love and attention and he's in a good mood! I thought that was bizarre also! Read my story if you get a chance. I have tried to follow these wonderful peoples advice and the MB principles but I guess I have ended up trying to "save" my WH too much and have become an "enabler". WH has always told me I cant save the world! It has been 4 days since I confronted with knowledge of contact again (been going on for 2 yrs) and negotiated a promise of NC from him again or he leaves our house,and now I barely get a hug and he has been withdrawn.
This is my last negotiation with my cake eater, although I am scared to death of plan b and I am a strong woman, for some reason it sends me straight into a panic attack! But from what I read here and what great MBrs say, Plan B may be my only option! I have only thought about packing his things and putting them out and changing the locks! WH even said to me: "you would actually lock me out of my own house?" I said to him: " you know what WH, I still have to protect what love I do still feel for you." I commend you on your strength and my prayers will be with you!

The locks are being changed and the house is going to be sold (can't afford it by myself).
Has he agreed to sell it?
If not, it won't happen.

I don't think I made the right decision again. H and I talked about R last night and he promised to be a better husband, apologized for being so selfish and everything else I wanted to hear.

So I let him back in the house and back into R mode. But I don't feel good about it. I'm kicking myself, especially after reading Sabot's story. I'm following down the same path of "enabler".

What should I do? Kick him out again until actions are proven? Let him stay but be distant?

Ooops - Big mistake. Ask him to write a no contact letter to OW. It needs to say that he loves you and wants to work on his marriage, and does not want to talk to her ever again.

If he refuses, ask him to leave.