A few grand for the bathroom? WOW! I was talking about paint and a few rugs, maybe carpeting.

If I were in your shoes, I would start with the less expensive things that require more effort than more money.

One reason is that if it only takes money, then I get the message that if there's no money there's nothing--and financial situations change many times over the course of a lifetime marriage. I don't want my ENs being met or not to be dependent on the current economy. If there's more effort spent than money spent, then I get the message that my ENs will be met as much as is possible within the current financial situation--when the financial situation gets better then big ticket items, like a bathroom, are an option but not a necessity.

Ever hear the expression that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink? Have you heard this modified version? You can lead a horse to water and even though you can't make him drink you sure can make him thirsty!

Take care

Edited to add: Do you need to borrow rollers and brushes? I have some that have never been used <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> .

Well started scraping and spackling. Last wife said 'you missed this spot, that spot, etc. No encouragement what so ever. Thinking back thats what gave me a defeatist additude. I became her self fullfilling provacy. Knock Mark's work or attempts at work/helping and Mark goes away. See Mark's worthless. I have to carry through no matter how hard she makes it on me. This does seem like some kind of test. Not a conscious thing, some kind of phscosis.

I got more and more of this after my 'drying out'. I'd do more things around the house and she would get upset. I changed the family dymanics a lot. This caused a lot of resentment. I remember one day I had achieved 2 months of sobriety and I mentioned it to her, I was proud about it. Her response was 'I'm not excited'. I've found this in lots of other things in my life with her. I'd do a remodeling project (I'm very handy) and she always seemed to knit pick it apart. Talk about deflating my ego. Its not that my work only looks good to me, others have complimented how nice our house looks. They say things like 'what contractor did you use'.

"Its not that my work only looks good to me, others have complimented how nice our house looks. They say things like 'what contractor did you use'."

In front of WW, answer--A good one who does more than painting for his favorite customer!

Overheard more phone conversations last night. Wife was talking to a female friend from. Wife is trying to set up her girl friend with somebody. I hated over hearing she would like to meet somebody herself. Maybe just a female 'macho' thing?

She also said she wishes I was beating her because that would make it easy for her to leave. Never did that never will. She also said she is just giving up, but has to think of the kids. Also she says she'd never make it financially on her own.

Of course no mention of why things went so bad at Christmas (my exposure to OMW of suspect EA).

This talk makes me think I could very well be just wasting time, like her minds made up and is just fence sitting.

Well have to get back to painting.

Yesterday wife asked for my input on menu for son's Communion. Then she sarted talking about vacation plans for the summer. Strange interaction, especially the vacation. That would mean she sees us togther until August. For someone who tells her friends and me - its over - this is indeed unuasual. Seems when she gets mad, or is it defensive, when the topic of OM is breached. Another thing that I find strnage is her thinking I'll give here nasty comments about things. She bought a new kitchen appliance and when I asked about it I got a terse it's what my mother used. Anytime I ask the most innocent questions I get harsh responses. She must be forcing herself to look at me as some nasty SOB.

Weekend update:

Got through another one. Wife worked a 12 hour shift on Saturday. I'm still working on my painting projects - finsihing one area before moving on. Livingroom is finished and I'm starting on the exterior doors right now. Saturday night wife told me the living room looks nice.

Sunday I kept busy taking my daughters to their soccer games. Wife came along for D12's afternoon game. She just camped out in her chair reading some magazine. Back home I returned to painting and my wife went back to spring cleaning mode. Then the stuff started again. Did I scrup the living room floor before putting everything back? Nope - looked pretty clean to me. Now she's pissed she has to clean it. Well I moved everything again and did it myself. Then at dinner she started again when I helped take some french fries out of the oven. Asked her if she salts them first. Well yes but I waited too long (all of a minute) then got yelled at because they were spicy fries and didn't need salt. Back to the I can't win arguments.

My IC has told me deep in her mind she resents my helping out and lashes out at anything she can grap a hold of. I've done some reflecting about things she said in her letters. One os not helping out around the house. And if I do I set out to do it wrong. Her attitude has been very simular in previous years. I'd go to help with something, get yelled at because I don't do it 'right' and she takes over, Mark gets insulted at makes himself scarce. While her remarks still effect me I don't back off, rather say 'how would you want me to do this'. I stick with it.

Even my painting project seemed like a 'dare'. Back in March she said the house needs painting. Well I was deep in my funk back then and she was unclear about what she wanted. I saw that if I didn't set out to tackle this project (with no guidance what so ever from her) she would hold it against me as another thing left undone in the house. Furtther feeding her 'you don't do anything' rants.

I reread 'Coaches' post this morning and I have to admit is see an angry child. I remember the day she screamed out 'I hate you'. All that was missing was her slamming her feet into the floor. Anytime I get close the mentioning OM she goes way off the deep end and starts screaming. So I stay away from that.

She tells her freinds she wants to leave but has no place to go, can't afford it. Says she quit her night job not for it being too much for her, but rather so she can take more of money in a divorce (not to mention child custody issues). One side of a conversation I heard her say 'I can't ask him to leave'. She stopped the leaving threats when I said I can't stop her. She refuses any closure.

Even some of her statements are odd. About the front entrance - she'd like a bigger fancier door. I said so would I. She wants bay windows in the living dining area. So would I.

I still have this doubt about her statements that she is just biding her time so she can later take me for all I'm worth. I don't believe she is that kind of person, but I never thought she'd get herself mixed up with another man either.

Weekend update.

Some heavy turbulance. Saturday night I mentioned the lack of affection issue. Sorry but I miss those hugs. That started it. Wife said she hasn't felt like she was in a relationship for years. Things stated getting a little out of hand and I quickly changed the subject to my prior short comings. AA came up and I responded the problem with that is I only get the alcoholics point of view. Counseling gave me some insight as to the resentmant spouses feel. I made a post at MB and several replies were enlightening. I mentioned some feeling other spouses had and angered my wife again. Without saying anything she picked up her pillow and left the room. Well things got confrontational from there. I found her behaviour immature and let her know that. I also let it go that I see her directing her anger at everyone else. Then we wrapping it up and she came back to bed.

She was still on the angry side yesterday. We had a day planned out and went through with it anyway. Things simmered down. Last night she opned up and said she didn't like the way I lashed out at her. She was calm this time. She says she just has no love left for me. She brought up another couple that recently split up because the wife lost the love. I told her if she doesn't want to work on things and that her final answer then lets work on ending this. I let her know at this point I just want anything to happen. I spoke the truth. If there is honestly no hope then lets just end this. I went into how I'm holding on to a ray of hope. SHe doesn't understand me. I gave her a gift certificate for a day spa for Mothers Day. SHe told me she feels she doen't deserve it. At one point I told her I want the best for her, even it isn't with me. She couldn't understand how I could be that way. I brought up the love factor and said its all about giving and not caring about receiving. I compared it to a 'bad' kid, you don't like what they're doing but you still love them. At bedtime she said she was trying to put herself in my shoes and doen't understand how I can be this way even though she tells me she doesn't have any love for me. She got teary eyed.

I have doubts about her being in an affair, if she is she is very good at denial. I let her know the secrecy and inconsistant accounts is what gave me my trust issue. Many, many symptoms though. If it looks like an affair and smells like an affair...

posted Fri May 13 2005 01:18 PM
An uncle of mine passed away last year. Since he had no children and his wife predeceased him my mother became one of the hiers of his estate. My Mom has advanced Altzhiemers. Therefore I have power of attorney for her. His estate was finally liquidated.

So today a large thick envelope showed up from my uncle's attorney. I guess mt wife was pretty freaked out for a while. I came back from the store and she said mail's here. Right on top was this envelope.

Her words were 'do I have something to worry about?'. I assume she thought I went to the lawyers.

She's worried?