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I think, doesn't have to be how others think) that advice should be given with a loving and caring attitude. And how do you tell someone's attitude Julie? Pep
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[color:"navy"]Well, generally, we can tell if a person is giving a sincere and caring post versus an argumentitive post. Do you agree? And Very Very Few people use harsh, demeaning words to get their point across. While out hoeing in my garden, I was thinking of what ML posted to me. (page 10) "Julie, I make it a point to talk to people the same in person as I do here. And I rarely use "soft words." In person or on the internet. That is just not my personality. I am straightforward and direct. I am sorry if you don't approve. Not ALL situations call for "soft words," especially at the expense of the truth. Jesus himself did not use soft words when the situation warranted otherwise. [color:"navy"]Melody, if you go back and read my message, not once did I say I did not approve of your straightforward and direct approach. I guess that is just another case of reading something into a message that wasn't there. I guess that is one reason, if we have a doubt about the understanding or intent of a message, it is best to say something and get the correct meaning meant by the person posting it. Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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While out hoeing in my garden, I was thinking of what ML posted to me. (page 10) Just so you know Julie, I have my personal display preferences set to 40 posts per page... coz I hate pages and scrolling... and there is no page 10 on this thread on my computer. We are all different... We set our displays like we want... We respond to posters like we want... We all intrepret with our own filters... It is our personal right. Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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[color:"navy"]Susan, I didn't know it would be a different amount of pages for different posters. Mine shows there are 11 'pages' on this thread so far. Could you tell me how to get 40 'Thread Topics' when we click on General Questions II? Do we just type in 40? Mine says the limit is 30 but I would prefer 40. Thanks, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Perfect, Susan. Quite perfect. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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[color:"navy"]Nevermind. I went to Display Preferences...Edit and we can now type in 40, whereas before, we could only have a max of 30. Thanks for pointing that out. And Susan, I agree with what you said: We are all different...
We set our displays like we want...
We respond to posters like we want...
We all intrepret with our own filters...
It is our personal right.And we ALL have those same personal rights, including me. Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Well, generally, we can tell if a person is giving a sincere and caring post versus an argumentitive post. Do you agree? Not always. I once (for fun) said "la-de-da" when I bumped up a post, instead of saying the usual "bump up" .... and it was interpreted as a rude comment .... So, no, "we" can not always tell what someone's attitude might be ... Because "we" are missing some of the most important parts to communication ... the non-verbal clues like body language, tone of voice, facial expressions. In a face to face encounter, I agree with you. On a message board, it is not possible to be so sure of the other pperson's attitude without asking about it. Pep
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"And Very Very Few people use harsh, demeaning words to get their point across". - Blessed Time Bob, didn't you tell us that your wife is in the TOP 10 Karate Something or other in the UK?
This sport is as important to her as the people that participate in the olympics...Does she get paid to coach? (Or whatever she does there?)
Could you be a little jealous?
Most of us wives, myself included, have husbands that worked away from home many hours and week-ends...and kids learned to understand without LB ing good ole dad.
Bob, you want us to think you are MR. PURE, MR. PERFECT it seems....You have been on vacation and sure you had time for kids THEN to do fun things.
How about all those business trips you go on and all the hours you worked when the kids were out of school this summer....who was caring for the kids...My guess is that it was MOM...
You have critised her about enough...how the Om's girlfriend is younger and prettier, how wife doesn't care for the kids (she does) I am sure she is cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and picking them up at school and spending a lot of time talking with and caring for the kids.
Be upset with her for the one month affair (which is over) but maybe you should encourage her karete...which she is GOOD at.
I know you will hate this critisism and will let me know....I am just getting tired of all your whining...I know, Iknow, I don't have to read your posts but I am drawn to them, even if they upset me.
And Bob, just how many HOURS away from the family are you typing at the computer? Check the account check on your server...it is probably about as many hours as your wife is away at Karate! (728 posts in about one month...I have been here for about a year and have 364 posts.)
And I still think it was wrong and insensitve of you to send that phone receipt the day before the OM's son funeral...It could have waited a couple days....You knew it would cause a big fight...
You have taken sides with the girlfriend, for all you know she is a married lady with a child and cheating on her husband with the OM...and you would be an enabler!
You seem to be talking to her a lot on the phone....Maybe stop the girlfriend conversations and talk more with wife!
OK, I am finished with my 2 X 4's.
Julie This was Blessed Times' idea of how to help me when I was a near suicidal BS in the depths of despair. Read and choose whether to take supportive posting lessons from her or not.
MB Alumni
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[/quote]Pepperband said: So, no, "we" can not always tell what someone's attitude might be ... Because "we" are missing some of the most important parts to communication ... the non-verbal clues like body language, tone of voice, facial expressions.[/quote] Like I said way back on page 3 (or would that be 2?) As others have said, this thread is about communication - and people's individual perception of others' comments. We all have our own perception - and on a board such as this - certain nuances are not possible; tone of voice, body language, etc. - which can lead to skewed perceptions of what the comunicator "meant" by a statement. I think people need to ask for clarification if they are not sure (or are offended) by their perception of a statement. This seems to be a no-brainer to me! I think this applies in real life too! How many understandings start IRL because we misinterpret what others are saying? Why is it so hard to just ask for clarification? And/or admit when we took something the wrong way?? Well, that's MY perception of this sitch <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Me (RBW) 6w5
DFW (RWH) 3w2
Established 1/93
Rebuilding since 9/03
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Bob, you want us to think you are MR. PURE, MR. PERFECT it seems... BlessedTIME, what exactly did you mean by this? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Were these soft words? Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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[color:"navy"]Melody, if you go back and read my message, not once did I say I did not approve of your straightforward and direct approach.
I guess that is just another case of reading something into a message that wasn't there. Hardly. You stated that we should use "soft words" - and NEVER harsh words - when we communicate and I responded that I do not use soft words. Sometimes I use harsh words when I feel it is appropriate. You stated you don't approve of that behavior. I don't think that "kindness" is epitomized by nice words. Sometimes the kindest, most compassionate thing we can do is take a baseball bat to someone's head. There is no virtue in parroting nice words at someone when the harsh truth is clearly warranted. Nice words just don't cut it sometimes. As we say here in Texas, talk is cheap..... The verse in my signature is very appropos: It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[color:"navy"]No Susan, those were NOT soft words and they did stir up anger. At the time, I was feeling sorry for Bob's wife since she had no voice in the discussion about what kind of person and mother she was. What I wrote was sincere and it was what I was feeling but it just goes to show we don't have to post what we are thinking, if the words are not going to be beneficial. Bob, I have asked for your forgiveness many many times and you have told me that you will not forgive me.I ask you again, here on this thread, will you please forgive me. My words hurt you and I am truly sorry. I will tell you now as I have told you before, you did an exceptional job at helping to rescue your marriage. Sincerely, Julie I am the first to admit that I have MANY shortcomings. Edited to say I just read Melody Lane's post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
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Oh, Bob... I am sorry you were not handled with more kindness than this post reflects: ....I am just getting tired of all your whining...I know, Iknow, I don't have to read your posts but I am drawn to them, even if they upset me. But, I am willing to give her the benifit of the doubt and hope that she did not intend to sound so cruel and harsh .... she intended to be kind and loving while saying you were tiresome in your whining... Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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My blood boils just reading that cruel, unfair missive again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Gee, I go away for work for a week, and look what happens. Quite a thread!
Just for informational purposes, part of the TOS says this: "You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use this BB to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law."
We can debate back and forth about what all those mean. For myself (and myself only), I interpret the meaning to be that disrespectful judgments, name-calling, and generally hateful stuff is not okay. I try very hard not to engage in those behaviors here or anywhere else. (I don't always succeed.)
I, too, believe that the truth can be expressed fully and completely without being disrespectful. It's really difficult and I'm still learning how to do it. I'm also learning not to be a doormat; I didn't even know I -was- a doormat! But I am, and it's tough to learn respectful non-doormathood. (Lordy, what a description; I wish I had a mental image to go with it.)
I never answered the questions posed to me at the beginning of the thread -- I've been gone and just read them. And I'm about to be late for a work meeting, so am not going to get to them now, either. Pep, would you still like an answer or are you ready to be done with the conversation? And I think there was something from ML, too?
Sunny Day, Sweeping The Clouds Away...
Just J --
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At the time, I was feeling sorry for Bob's wife since she had no voice in the discussion about what kind of person and mother she was. So you decided that you would be that voice and verbalize Bob's wife's position? How do you know what Bob's former cheating wife might want to say? Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Pep, would you still like an answer or are you ready to be done with the conversation? I do not require a response, thanks. Pep
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Pep, would you still like an answer or are you ready to be done with the conversation? And I think there was something from ML, too? That's ok, JustJ, we are pretty much moved on from that point. I very much agree with the rest of your post, though. Well said. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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FROM PEP: "How do you know what Bob's former cheating wife might want to say?" [color:"navy"]I didn't know, Pep. I only knew as much as Bob told us of her and before her one month affair, she seemed like she had always been a good wife and mom, actually, quite a remarkable lady. Maybe that is what I was seeing, that IN TIME, she could be that lady again. I would like to think that I have 'improved' since writing that post to Bob. Do you think I have? I try not to give very much marriage advice, mostly just stuff about the message board; to make it work better. If I could do it over, I would have never written my thoughts to Bob. But I can't undo that post. It has stayed in Bob's mind, as he had only a handful of negative posts. Maybe it can be used as a lesson in forgiveness. Who am I? I am a nobody on a message board that spouted out an opinion that I should have kept to myself. Is my 'wrongdoing' forgivable? I sure hope it is. All my life, I have always wanted for people to like me. I appologize to anyone reading this, if my words have ever offended you. Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by Blessed TIME; 04/26/05 03:53 PM.
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