Believe me I WISH I were not having this discussion.

I thought he was one of the good guys. We have
been together 21 years and married almost 15 yrs.

I keep picturing it in my mind and am
just screaming at him "DON'T DO IT!"
"DON'T DO IT !"

It never goes away and I do not know if
I will ever make it thru this.

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts.

I read your thread and wanted to share another POV. Since this 'co policy' of sorts is common practice. your exposure may cost your H his job. While exposure is usually recommended, in this case exposure as previously suggested c/b detrimental.

What is the current status of your H? Is he willing to work on recovery? Can you do phone couseling with Steve H @ MB to get a solid recovery plan for both of you?

As for letting his company know, realize that if you choose to send a message to his company, your H could become subject t/b a laughing stock from 'the guys'.

Ask Steve for his suggestion.

If your H is remorseful, there are other ways of resolving this issue without jeporadizing your H's job.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
He is very remorseful and we are both in MC
and IC. He has done everything I have asked as
far as my 'boundaries' (the drinking mainly) Our MC has a good plan that
we are trying to follow.

We have MB books and have read them.
We are trying to meet each others EN's....

I also am aware this could cost him his job if exposed. I would have to do anything anonomously (sp?) He has told his
manager he cannot travel and others are going instead right now. He also told his manager he would have to possibly look for another position with very limited travel or no travel. They said they 'would work with him' on this issue.

There is always the possiblity he will HAVE to travel again
(no matter what job he has) and I do not know how I will handle that.
Right now I am just trying to get thru the day
much less worry about any future trips.

Like I said, I know this stuff goes on, but I have to tell you how foreign that life is to me in my business culture down here in Texas. In fact, I took a bunch of executives and their wives to Hawaii last year. But, I call on the kind of buyers [I represent a soft drink company and call on a major Texas grocery chain] who say things like "MEL, WOULD YOU GO AROUND WITH YOUR BELLY BUTTON SHOWING LIKE THAT???" when presented with a Brittney Spears promo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SORRY FOR THE THREADJACK!!

Hi all,

Unfortunately this is all too familiar to me....all of it. I'm surprised Melody that here in Texas (I'm here too right now!) That you aren't more familiar with some of the very common practices of the oil field. The good ole boy network has been reimbursing "entertainment" and providing it, for all of the twenty years I've been around. Lap dances, prostitutes, vacations with mistresses or other benefits...all reimbursed with big oil money. I could share stories that would curl your hair....but I've seen first hand what goes on and what the companies either provide, encourage, reimburse, or just turn the other way.

tlmsi,

I found a receipt out of Thailand for "Madame Doms Escort Service"....and yes, the company reimbursed the expense....so I know how much this hurts. We have recovered, but it took a long time. In some ways, it is both harder and easier than an affair. On the one hand, there was no emotional involvement....on the other...it demonstrates a lack of ethics that is devastating.

hugs!

Ditto to what Star says. It happens in other parts of the south too - I found myself unknowingly entertaining clients at a strip club in Atlanta on a company-sponsored and paid-for outing. I was the only female present, but was expected to be one of the hosts for the clients. I didn't know where we were going until we arrived - nor did any of the out-of-town clients, who were as embarrassed as I was.

Gr-r-r-r-r <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Star, yes I am very surprised to hear this since DH is a petroleum engineer for one of the largest oil well service companies in the world, stationed in Texas. My dad was in the oil business and my uncle is the Vice President of Land Management for an oil company out of Tulsa, Okla. He is an oil company lifer. My mother was a Sr. contract specialist who worked for an oil company. I have been around the oil field culture most of life and just don't recognize the picture you portray.

DH tells me that the worst he has seen over the years was once when they had to buy a client a case of whiskey, but the kind of behavior you describe is just not recognizable in my experience or his.

I have no doubt it goes on at some places, but it is hardly prevalent. Now, the same could not be said 20+ years ago when the term "oil field trash" was quite accurate. But I think things have changed somewhat over the years, albeit some exceptions. That kind of behavior wouldn't be overlooked at my DH's or my Uncle's company.

And as a female who operates in the good ole boy network every day, I never see it. Thankfully.

Star*fish,
Good to see you back on the boards. Since
you went thru the same thing...you have been so helpful.

For Star or anyone:
I have so many questions in my head regarding
the details of this night. How it all transpired,
what happened, who, where, etc.
Is it helpful for me to KNOW all the details?
Should I just move on ?

Melody,

The "good ole boys" don't rat on each other...they don't talk about this stuff especially to wives..its the code of the west chere. My H has been in the oil field for over twenty years...not just here, but all over the world. H is third generation oil field and he's been in the business for over 20 years...so I've got more than a few stories. I lived in South America, the Carribean, Europe, South America, the Far East...and American men are at the top of the totem pole...they get wined and dined and "entertained" at company expense all the time. For instance, the last time I was in Venezuela there was a manager's meeting planned in Baraloche (sp)...a ski resort in the mountains of Brazil. Wives weren't invited. Turns out several upper execs brought their mistresses from work and several of the other single secretaries went as well. One wife decided to buck the system and go on her own dime (her H was later fired btw)...and came back and let the rest of us know the score. Another meeting was held at a beach resort and the team building activities included beach volleyball with some swimsuit models. This is some of the tamer stuff....it only gets worse. I always thought it was because it was overseas....but I get the same kind of stories from wives here.

The company he works for now (like the ones it sounds like you've had experience with) don't go for that stuff (one of my stipulations for remaining married was that he find a more marriage/family friendly company)...but I can promise you that I have witnessed these practices first hand and while things may be changing...it is VERY prevalent in the oil field...maybe not your little corner of the world....but it's a great big world outside of Texas. The company he works for now is smaller...run by a family...a very religious family who always includes wives and does it's best to protect family....but it's been dang hard to hold this marriage together...and the oil field isn't the only place where this kind of stuff goes on. I have friends whose husbands work in other industries where they have to travel overseas, schmooze prospective clients, or recruit new employees and I've heard similar stories. Shoot, there are sex scandals in the white house, the priesthood, the Boy Scouts....why would corporate America be any different???

tlsmi,

Well, I needed the details....but they were pretty hard to dispose of once I had them....still...I needed the kind of closure only knowing the truth could provide. I needed alot more than that too. I wanted a plan to find another company that was more dignified in it's practices. I wanted my H to explore some spiritual avenues that increased his level of ethics and conscience. I wanted a solid plan for enforcing better boundaries. I'm not on the board much these days...drop me a line and we'll talk sometime! hugs

starfish4729@gmail.com

Dear Tlsmi,

Sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing. My husband went to China on business trips as well and went to the same province (Guangdong). I tried to send you a private message, but PM has been disabled at this point. Please feel free to e-mail me at embrew75@hotmail.com
I would be glad to share some of the things I have learned about what really goes on there and happy to show support for you. I'm not trying to sway you from forgiving your husband, but if you are like me you just really want to know what happened so you can try to move on. It's hard not having SOLID proof & to make them admit what really happened.

Tenn25,

Please please post what you know -- my husband has also started traveling to China. He goes to Shanghai. Is that in Guangdong? Many of us here are in the same boat with spouses who travel internationally.

Thanks
Mulan

I find this thread interesting, in a clinical sort of way.

My FWW and I both work for a large aerospace company that also has many government contracts. We both travel internationally for work.

I am required to attend a security briefing every year and the subject of prostitution, especially in Asia, is brought up regularly. Some governments, including China, use prostitutes to intentionally compromise people and make them susceptible to blackmail.

Many espionage and foreign transfer of technology (it is currently against the law to give any technology away, military or not) cases were initiated by a foreign government blackmailing a business traveler with sex. Even Israel and France have been caught recruiting and handling Americans this way.

Any person working in a technology intensive company is a hot target.

As an aside, my FWW’s A started while on a business trip to Indonesia. It was with another company employee rather than a foreign person, but the easy availability of male and female prostitutes was obvious. She says that it was so pervasive and just “in the air” that it helped lower her resistance.

A

Dear Mulan,

I would be glad to share somethings with you. I do not want to get into too many details, I have already erased all of my previous posts from last year. I did that because I was trying to work things out with my husband & thought MAYBE that he would come here for insight. I bought His Needs, Her Needs & asked him to please read it for our relationship. So he could understand that I just need the truth to get over things that happened while he was China. It's been almost a year since I asked him to read it & he only read the introduction!

Your husband is in a different area then my husband was. Shanghai is in the East, but the areas are not that far apart. My husband was in Foshan City in the Guangdong Province. It's near Hong Kong.

Shanghai is one of the most populated cities in China. Were as Foshan is more rural, but it to is growing rapidly. I think almost all of China is growing rapidly. I won't elaborate on how America has helped with this & caused many problems to our own economy!

Again, I really do not want to go into details here. I really wish the private messaging was working on this site!! Please Mulan, Tlsmi, or any one else who has questions regarding what business men or foreign men do in China, write me at [email]embrew75@hotmail.com.[/email] I do not check it on the weekends though.

One thing I will say is that you can get more information looking things up on Google. Look up KTV hostesses & China or Prostitutes & China or Karaoke hostesses.

Yes, Karaoke is a big thing in China. But what your husband's will not tell you is that majority of them are fronts for brothels. It called play for pay (P4P). Alot of executives take their new associates or new business partners to show them a GOOD TIME. They can pay alittle just to have a girl or girls sit with them. Pour their drinks, light their cigarette or cigar, sing for them, cuddle with them, etc. Pay alittle more & they get touchy feely with them. They can grope the girls, kissing, maybe alittle more depending on the place. Or they can pay the full price & screw the girl in a private room there or take them back to their hotel room for an hour, a few hours or all night. Some of these girls will give the men their numbers so they can keep the money for themselves instead of giving a cut to the house. Yes, I do believe that some of these girls are mistreated, but I think there are far more that do it for the money & have a good time with it!

As for what Tlsmi husband told her about the Chinese company paying prostitute (a gift). I would say that might not be far from the truth. From what I understand Chinese men think nothing of having a mistress, girlfriend, or female companionship besides their wife. They see having a beautiful women beside you as giving you power. It makes me sick!

To date, I still have yet to be told the HONEST TRUTH by my husband. However, after so many lies and so many changes in his stories I know in my heart that I'm not crazy for thinking things I thought. I have found alot that backs up crazy things that I was SUPPOSEDLY IMAGING. Sorry for the rant, I'm still very upset by this whole thing and will be until he finally admits the truth and stops playing me for an idiot. He wants me to just drop the whole thing, that's why I have yet to get past this.

Instead of writing to the CEO, write the letter to the CEO's wife...then it won't go ignored...