I told WH to move out tonight. Actually, I told him not to come home tonight & to come get his stuff tomorrow while I am at work. I put all of his clothes & toiletries in two big black plastic garbage bags.

The cell phone bill came today. Loads of calls from OW on there. He told me he hadn’t spoken w/her in the last week & a half, what a lie!!!! He spoke w/her on Monday, the same day he said that! It is sad that the calls are all her calling him. I could just scream! She may have another phone # he is calling her at that I can’t identify on the bill, but I don’t see her # I know of on there at all.

So far we have had 3 screaming, cussing conversations on the phone tonight, MAJOR LB’s all over the place. I am a total failure at the MB principles! I can’t control myself! I just want to make him hurt as badly as he has hurt me!!!!! I just got Rx for AD’s today, so I know that it will be at least a week or two, maybe more (4-6) before they kick in. I will probably pull out all of my hair by then!

WH did not even apologize or beg me not to kick him out. He just kept saying that this is not about OW, not about her!!! Right. He is so lost in the fog that he can’t even see the foglights! He hasn’t even made one attempt to try to work this out. He wants a huge pat on the back because he is the one who suggested counseling! Ha, ha ha! I truly think he did that just so he could tell our families that he tried!

Here is the best part, he tells me tonight that MC’s specialty is Divorce!!! I had this horrible feeling during the past two sessions that she was not pro-marriage. When I asked her she said that she does not specialize one way or the other. I guess I should have taken that w/a grain of salt! I feel betrayed even by her! Any good suggestions on how to find a pro-marriage counselor? And is it too late to start over w/a new MC? I don’t even know if WH will go again now! He has appt w/MC tomorrow, he said he is still going. Well I’ll tell you, I am not going to my appt w/her next week! I will spend the next few days trying to find a pro-marriage counselor in our area if that is the last thing I do! WH laughed @ my suggestion of phone counseling w/Steve Harley.

Molly, do you want to save your marriage?

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Melody,

I am so infuriated right now that I don’t know which end is up. It took every ounce of strength to get DD to bed w/out losing it.

I love WH, but right now I see nothing good coming out of him. He has not said one kind word, not made one gesture toward saving this marriage. It is like he just put on the front of “I’m trying” to please everyone. I don’t think he ever made it more than one week w/NC. He keeps telling me over & over that this is not about ‘her’. He says it is about him wanting to be happy & we are not happy together.

I tried meeting his EN’s for the first 6 weeks, but the past two have been really bad. I knew that the contact was taking place again just based on his behavior, very withdrawn, stopped w/the ‘I Love You’s’, etc. Acting just the same as he did when he asked to go to counseling the week before D-day, when he was deep in the throws of the A.

I know that LB’ing is not the way to save anything here. I am so angry that I did not ask to get on AD’s to help level my emotions out back in the beginning of this entire mess. Now I just started taking them today & I am a total basket case!

It may even be best for WH to go elsewhere until I can get my head on straight & talk some sense. I feel like I am in fog right now.

Molly, I know your emotions are wrecked right now, but ask yourself this: who looks more attractive about now?

a) lovebusting, shrieking Molly who just tossed WS out on his [censored]...

b) sweet, understanding OW who is standing by with loving kindness and sympathy

If you were WS, which one would you choose?

Do you really have the luxury to lovebust and give into your emotions, especially when it only serves to make you look bad and the HB look good? Whose side are you on? Yours or the ho-bag's?

Melody,

Ok, so I see your point! LOL! I am just a total wreck! He said tonight that we need to talk tomorrow about what we are going to do next (I assume he means seperation). I just can’t hold it together when I know that he hasn’t even given our M a real try.

I feel like the only way to avoid the LB’s is for us to be apart for a while. He can’t stop talking w/her on the phone, so I can’t keep putting up with it! He even went as far as to say that she never talked to him about leaving me. Then WHY DO THEY KEEP TALKING? And it really pisses me off that SHE keeps calling HIM!

I feel totally used. WH is a serial cheater, he has had several ONS, and now this EA/PA. And I am the one paying the price! Ugh! And I sit here thinking that once he is out on his own for a while he will see how good he had it here & that the grass isn’t any greener.

The other thing that is bothering me is that if MC is not pro-marriage, why was she so encouraging on us ‘growing back together’ and having date nights, and trying to make WH see that he needs to change is shift at work or give up his job to spend more time w/me? I think he is confused. Either that, or she really doesn’t specialize one way or the other.

Chilly out, Molly! There's a lot of us MB failures out here. I can't keep my mouth shut for anything. LB is my especiality.

These WS all follow the same script. There are more experienced people on this forum who can probably tell you exactly what your WH is going to do next. He won't apologize. He won't talk. He will probably almost thank you for kicking him out of the house. My WH left our house and slept on somebody's "couch". He wanted me to make the decision for him to get an apartment. I wouldn't make it for him but he got an apartment anyway. He probably loves you but isn't IN love with you. That you've drifted apart. That he's been unhappy for a long time. Yadda, yadda, yadda. They all mouth the same words.

If you're serious about your R and the man isn't driving you too nuts, put his stuff back up in the closet and start over.

Strange advice from a MB screwup indeed.

BTW: my IC/MC sounds a bit like yours. She encouraged date night, family meetings and talking. But in the end, her words were what made WH walk out of MC. They were perfectly correct words. They described the him perfectly but he left the session never to return. Not that much was happening anyway... My counselor had been a BW. I think she brought a lot of that anger from a zillion years ago into our sessions.

However, the bottomline was that WS didn't want to be there anyway and there wasn't much progress being made.

Miss Molly - Of course you are failing and crumbling. Your WH is acting like an addict, and you are expecting him to be clean and sober. Please give yourself a break, and stop expecting ANYTHING from him. You won't get it right now.

I'm glad you are on anti-D's. They really help. Stick with us, and we will help you get through this.

Molly, it may very well be that it is time to seperate since he is a serial cheater, however, you are in no state to make such a decision right now. Please do not see or talk to him for a few days until you have thought this through calmly. You might not feel the same way in 2 days when your emotions calm down. But I suspect you are a likely candidate for Plan B very soon here, since unmet needs are not the issue with a serial cheater. Plan A can't change a WS's personality, only they themselves can do that.

For now, concentrate on keeping your emotions under control because they can only HURT YOU right now and HELP the OW. Remember that whenever you feel like lambasting him: with every angry outburst you only make the HB look more attractive. So choose your side, Molly, are you trying to help YOU or are you trying to help the HB?

Molly,
Its true the aliens have abducted your H and addicted him to OW. You are not crazy. They all seem to have the alien script...maybe its some kind of genetic code. It is WH saying and doing these things not the H you married. Keep posting. Vent here not to WH. Take this time and look at what you can improve for yourself and your family, to please you. Set small goals, hour by hour, day by day. Don't look to him for praise or acknowledgement, the aliens won't allow it. When the fog lifts a little and he realizes you are not looking to him for approval he might start to pay attention.

I have been on this roller coaster ride. Emotions all over the place. Especially before I had proof of A just a "feeling". I recently found out through exposure to a mutual friend OW had told her "I'm so worried about K. she is so paranoid. She is a mess the poor thing she is imagining all kinds of things about me and M." Fortunately the friend had the same "feeling" I did about WH and OW. But I wonder how many other people she said the same thing to. I WILL NOT give her the satisfaction of being the crazy wife. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

First off, thanks to everyone for the support!!! This has been the night from hell. Almost worse than d-day. I have been up sick the entire night, I don’t think I even slept for 2 hours and had ½ of a Pop-tart since lunch yesterday.

Spent 2 hrs on the phone w/my mom, from 1 am to 3 am! Nice time to be having conversation! My parents had a previously planned trip here for this weekend, they live approx 10 hrs away, and are going to come earlier today than planned. They were totally supportive.

With regard to the Aliens, I absolutely feel that WH has been abducted. I am actually furious w/MC because she has brought up in my IC sessions that she thinks WH is either ADD or Bipolar, and said she wants to have him evaluated to determine this. But after a month or so of C she still hasn’t brought this up w/him or asked him to see the dr’s in her office for eval. WTH?!?! I totally feel that this is playing a part in some of his actions. Even some of his friends have come to me to ask me if I think he has an illness. All I can do is shrug my shoulders. Anyone out there have experience w/either of these disorders as part of their or WS’s A? I am wondering if things would start to look up if he were medicated.

All WH can say is ‘I don’t know’ to answer any questions I ask him. Right now my biggest fear is that he spent last night at OW’s house. That will just throw me over the edge. He claimed he hasn’t seen her in person in over 3 weeks, but I totally do not believe that, if they are still talking by phone they are surely still seeing one another. I have caught him in lies in the past week & now I feel that he was covering for seeing her again. UGH!

MIL spoke w/some of my family members back home, said she loves her son but just wants to kick him in the A$$. Well stand in line! I feel better that the in-laws are supportive, but I don’t think that makes any difference in WH’s mind. Right now he is acting like a total addict, w/denial & everything!

Molly,
You need to take a nap and take care of yourself. He is not worth risking your health!
Did he stay out all night???
Calm yourself, make a plan it will give you some control back to your life instead of reacting to the responses of the alien. It sounds like plan B is not far off. Get your ducks in a row. Keep posting and listen to the experts (I am not one of them). Check out bOb Pure's tool kit for MB it has tons of great advice.

I am so sorry. Is the OW married? If so, expose it to her Husband and everyone you can think of that might possibly help put an end to contact. Have you read Tough Love by Dobson or the 180 degree list? It is good to be loving and meet his needs, but when we are precieved as clingy or needy it tends to just push the WS farther away from us. If you feel you can not live without him you are entitled to your feelings, but I would not shre that with him. Part of the attraction to the OW may be that she is precieved as strong, independent, she wants & desires him, but does not need him. In the movie Closer there is a scene where the BS ask why do you want her and not me and he responds "she does not need me".

If you are a Christian I would recommend a Strong Christian Counselor who can give you references of couples he has helped save/keep their marriage together. Many Christian counselors are very strongly against divorce. If I remember your other string correctly he may have a drinking problem. If I got it wrong I apologize. If so look into attending ALANON groups. You will meet many people you can relate to and they will help you grow strong. Sometimes when a spouse sees how strong you have gotten and they fear maybe you won't put up with their "crap" any more or fear they may lose you so then they start to change.

I think MC & IC is the ideal. I think it can be awesome and wonderful. I will say in my situation (my Husband has so many issues to deal with from his childhood and life) we are staring with IC. After about 6 months (we will see how it ois going) we are going to regroup and try MC. Hopefully, in IC he can deal with himself and start to see that our marriage problems are more symptoms of personal problems, struggles, immaturity, and selfishness that he needs to deal with and work out. We tried marriaeg counseling before, but he would just get angry and want to blaim me for everything. For my Husband I think in IC he is less likely to put all of the blaim, anger, and fault finding on me. I am not sitting there for himmto target every sec. Our marriage is still in huge shambles (to many problems and issues to try to write about), but I do think his IC who is a strong Christian male and pro marriage is helping him some. The other day he told me about how his Dad use to take him along when he visited OW (there was more than one) and threaten to beat the s*** out of him if he told his Mom what he was really doing. He even told me one of the oW had a son about his age that looked like him. I asked him what made him think of that and decide to share it with me and he said it came up when he was talking to Russel (that is his counselor) and that he did not not know why, but he wanted to tell me about that. I promise you (for us) if we would have been in MC together he would have been to busy saying hiw much I nag, gripe, and how clingy I am (spent the whole time venting at me) to ever talk about that. I also think that it helps that his counselor is a male.

I thought it is time for an update now that I am more rational. (I am currently taking Lexapro, Xanax, and Ambien to sleep, no wonder I feel so much better!)

Anyway, Wednesday night is when I told WH not to come home after receiving our cell phone bill & seeing that he has been speaking w/OW for the entire month, and lying to me saying that he hadn’t had contact w/her in two weeks or so. I told him he cannot keep talking to her & coming home to me. Can’t have your cake & eat it too!! He told me that I just can’t see that this is not about her. I told him that I know it is about him & that he can’t possibly be working on himself as long as he is w/her. I told him he can come home if he can meet 3 conditions: NC w/her, No bars & go to IC. I told him he can stay in our spare room on the other side of the house & we don’t even have to talk about us at this point, but that he needs to meet those 3 things to come home. Needless to say, he spent the night at her house! He swears that nothing happened, I don’t believe it. He also had her drive him to our house yesterday morning to pick up his motorcycle so that he could go get his motorcycle license! I am so disgusted that he let her come to my home.

We met at the MC’s together, he had the first 40 min by himself & then I joined them, mostly to talk about how we will handle our home, child, finances while we are deciding if we need to legally separate or just ‘take a break’. WH sat on the couch w/his head hanging down & when I asked if he felt he needed help w/his depression he said ‘there’s nothing wrong w/me, I don’t have any disorders’. I just wanted to start laughing, but just nodded my head.

Here is what I don’t get. After we left MC’s office he asked me to come watch him take his motorcycle test, then took me to get the oil changed in my car & then wanted to take me out to lunch!!! He said that I need to eat or I will be sick. He even offered to come watch DD at the house so I could get some sleep. I was totally in shock. I went to the motorcycle test & oil change w/him, but declined lunch & the babysitting because I felt like if he came to the house he would try to stay the night again. What is up w/the mixed signals? He knows I know he was at OW’s house & pissed about it.

WH then came over this morning to take care of his dogs. I told him that if he does not get them out of here by tomorrow I am going to take them to the shelter because I don’t like dogs & don’t want that responsibility while he is not around. He said he will have them gone tomorrow & plans to come do the yard work tomorrow also.

He looked pathetic, said he slept in his truck last night & took a shower at the house. I said, you told me that you are two people, the one you want to be & the one you have to be; now you can be the one you want to be. He just looked at me. He said I’ll talk to you tomorrow & left. My mom was here & said she thinks he is starting to wake up & have second thoughts. I told her that I am not ready to let him back yet, not after one day away. He needs more time to get a real taste of what he has done. I also am in no shape to talk to him seriously yet.

Stormy,

I know that you have suggested ALANON a few times. I am not sure that this would be helpful for me. WH is addicted to the bar scene, as far as I can tell, not the drinking. He has been known to go to the bars & drink water & soda all night, no alcohol. It is just the social setting. I have spoken w/C about this. She says it seems like he uses the bar scene to escape reality. He says he is comfortable there, no one there is judging him & they look up to him. I know that WH has other problems w/his self esteem, etc. MC thinks he is either bipolar or ADD. But he will not admit any problem. So until he does, I don’t see much chance for change in his behavior.

Also, WH has said he might come here tonight & sleep on the couch. I am not sure that I am OK w/this because I threw him out. Just because he does not have anywhere else to stay doesn’t mean that he can come back here & sleep on the couch! He slept in his truck last night & he has his two garbage bags of stuff in there. I think he should just keep sleeping there for now. One night of suffering isn’t going to be enough to get through to him IMHO.

By the way, OW is not married, no kids. Perfect for him to escape reality of our responsibilities with! Ugh!!!!!