My H was upset this morning because he found out that while at XOW's house, OC has been spending an overnight or two a week with a sitter. My H feels if XOW is going to get a baby sitter for the night, he should be asked to babysit first. He feels that XOW would be very upset if we ever let OC stay overnight at a sitter's house while we had OC and that XOW would insist OC come home with her (I agree).

What do you all think? Should my H get first option to baby sit OC on nights XOW needs a sitter?

If so, how would my H approach XOW about this without making her feel as though we're attacking her?

And if not, why?

Thanks,
AVNL

AVNL, good question. Unfortunately, I can't give you any answers. That's one of the issues H has brought up also. H is a firefighter who works 24 hours on and 48 hours off (so he is home several days during the week) and so he made the suggestion to XMOW to allow him to watch OC on the days he's off instead of her taking OC to a babysitter. NOTHING has been established between the two of them in regards to C with OC (so there's been virtually no C except for when the A was still going on) but we're hoping to get that particular issue resolved on Tuesday when we tape our Dr. Phil follow up show. Anyway, I'm sure the issue will be brought to the table at that time. HOpefully we'll get sound advice that can be shared with everyone who's in this situation.

I definitely feel the other parent should be given the option of babysitting before a 3rd party is called. I don't think that can be enforced legally, but that is just my opinion. I am hoping that H and I can have that type of relationship that I can call him when I need a sitter.

OW use to let her mom babysit overnight before H ever had an overnight visit. That use to bother both of us.

YES! IT can be done LEGALLY-it's called FIRST RIGHT OF REFUSAL.

It means that if a babysitter is gonna be required for ANYTHING the parent must notify the other parent FIRST & give them a chance to have the child.

Its' just plain STUPID to leave the child w/ a babysitter IF the OP is available!!!!

You get this in your order.......most judges will approve it & WHY NOT? It would be stupid for any OP to refuse to have this in the order & I think the judge would be suspiscious if they fought this.

I had never hear of a right of refusal before. It makes sense to me. Then again think about who we are dealing with? Our WH and OW's didn't exactly have a lot of it otherwise we all wouldn't be in this BS. JMHO

Why is she leaving the OC with a sitter OVERNIGHT? Is it work related or PLAY related...MY kids have never been with a sitter for an overnight stay...I can count on ONE hand how many times my kids have been left with MY PARENTS for an overnight stay...

As far as DAYTIME...I believe the child should be KEPT in the daycare atmosphere at all costs...so the child can get USED to a routine...there is enough turmoil in the OC's life as it is...but for onvernight stays...that is WRONG!

Kt...what about if the GRANDmother lives with the OC and the MOTHER wants to go out for the NIGHT...should the OC's father have the RIGHT to keep the child over the GRANDmother?

[color:"purple"]LEGALLY---YES! THE PARENTS get first priority over grandma, grandpa, aunt--whoever!

The only exception we had in OUR order was if OC was staying overnight w/ friends for fun but anything else, ANY other time a sitter is needed--the OP gets PRIORITY!

I think it is just STUPID to put a child in a daycare setting IF a parent is available (no offense mt3b). Children do best w/ PARENTS not day care workers....I don't care what day of the week it is.

Unless the OP is deemed UNfit....I see NO reason why a judge would NOT grant this.

xoxoxoxox
kt[/color]

We have it in our papers as well. She agreed to it, so it was pretty much cut and dry. And she does use it! Try to work everyones schedule and make it best for all. Most of the time!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />Sunny D

Guess what? XOW DOES live with her MOTHER and most of the overnights are with her. Funny you should bring up that exact situation!

No, these overnights are not for OC's play, these overnights are so XOW can go out with her friends and not come home until morning. At which point, the sitter or grandmother, drops OC off at daycare.

My H and I believe that the Preschool/daycare environment is a very important part of OC's development, so we wouldn't even consider taking her during the day. But, the overnights with the live-in grandmother and other sitters really bugs us.

Thanks for the tip on the First Right of Refusal, KT! I will make sure that my H is aware of this and see how he feels about bringing it up with the judge.

IMO, our XOW is very selfish, immature, and irresponsible. Normal parents under normal circumstances do not allow many overnights during the week at sitters' houses or otherwise, but I am not XOW and we do not share the same parenting skills or techniques.

Thank goodness there is legal recourse. OC should spend as much time with us as humanly possible.

Thanks,
AVNL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I feel the bio-parent should have the first dibs if the other is not going to be there. It's just the way it is. My SH (seperated husband) and know that if he has to work really early the next morning that he just brings them home that night or visa versa. Kids are with a sitter enough in the day and should not have to be at night as well. Now sometimes I would say okay we both have this going or they really want to stay there, but bio parents should have first option.

As both a parent and a daycareworker, I find most parents are very good with their children.
I have met a quite a few parents of children at my daycare and unfourtunatly a few of them don't have a clue, For Example we have a couple of biter's one parent took care of the situation(great parenting) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> the other could careless who or why her child bites and has done nothing this same mother sends the kids to daycare in dirty clothes, without bathing them, thier hair uncombed etc. Yes, she has been told many times about her child's biting and the condition she brings all her children in and she could careless. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Thank God not all parent's are like that!!!
I just want to say some daycare workers are parent's too!!!
So, I would say it depends on the parent's parenting skills as well as the love of the child(ren) that should go into deciding who cares for the child, OP or anyone wise: then if they are great in those areas (parenting skills & love for the child) then yes, give them 1st option to care/babysit the child(ren).

I have a little different angle on this situation than most of the other posts but since you asked for opinions I thought I'd throw it out there. I think it is somewhat commendable that she actually made her own arrangements and didn't try to use your visitation to her advantage ( ie -- free babysitter) I know that was a concern of mine with the OW in our situation -- that she would only agree to let us have him (since legally until he is over the age of 3 she has some control over when and how long vists are) only when she wanted to go out or spend the weekend with her boyfriend, etc.

Anyway - like I said it was different angle on this thing.
I hope you are able to resolve it (legally like KT suggested) and can work it out where H can have OC on these overnight outings of hers.

Beth

Trying, I can see where you're coming from on this issue. In the begining, OW would only allow us to have OC when OC was sick and couldn't go to daycare. OW didn't have anymore sick leave so H would have to take off work to care for her, or I would do it w/ MIL. We didn't mind since it did give us time to spend w/ OC, but we did resent the fact these were the only times she would give us w/ her. We could say no, if it wasn't possible though.

Now, we have a pretty set visitation and try to be a little flexible. OW has just agreed to give us a night during the week because H wanted to take OC to her 1st baseball game. There are times that OW's mom is caring for OC that I know it bothers H he wasn't asked. He keeps offering and reminding her that he can take care of her when necessary.

We have struggled for so long just to get ANY visitation at all that we would be happy to babysit OC whenever it's possible for us to do so. As it stands, we get an overnight every Weds and from Friday p.m. thru Monday a.m. every other weekend. It seems odd to me that OC would be spending overnights with Grandma or other sitters on average two nights per week, as my H and I have OC for an extended period of time every other weekend....I can't believe XOW needs so much time away from OC. And if it's truly necessary, why not at least give my H the option to sit OC instead? Nothing says we MUST take OC if XOW offers, but she could at least OFFER.

I think KT's idea is perfect. The first right of refusal would give us that option - a choice.

I have written many, many posts about XOW's parenting skills. This particular issue is just one of many. I get so frustrated sometimes. The only thing my H wants is to be a great father to his little girl, and it seems all XOW wants is to keep him as distanced from OC as she can.

By the way, his hearing is on June 1st!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So, by the time my H and I are boarding a plane for our first vacation.....this whole mess will be clean and legal!!

Thanks for the posts!

AVNL