After 42 days it really HIT hard today. I have been trotting along dealing trying to Plan A my butt off and today I feel like P*** on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I got some GREAT news last night. After MONTHS (& months) of my 13 month old son being sick we got word we have been waiting for...See you in 6 months, he sound GREAT. (He has had SEVERE lung infections one after the other & they thought it was asthma since August.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyhow...the stress of Hunter getting better lifted and NOW i am feeling the ANGER and DEPRESSION of my H affair.

Last night while in his truck (Which he keeps IMACULATE) i opened the glove box to get something & there was an empty pack of cigarettes. (His brand when he smokes Brand name & not generic – I just got him 5 packs about a week ago as a treat.) Well, I asked him when He started using his glove box as a trash can and he said “I didn’t” and looked the other way. I SWEAR I seen a [censored] smirky grin. I KNEW what he meant but said. Well then whose are they and he just covered his mouth & looked away. I COULD HAVE THROWN HIM OUT OF THE DANG TRUCK ONTO THE HIGHWAY!

He swears he has had NO contact with her that I do not know about (she called once after he broke up with her – in front of me). I am so full of anger, I don’t trust him, He is looking for ANOTHER job (he quite the one they worked together at) and to be honest, I like to be able to pop in whenever. I do not want him working at a LARGE gambling place with HOTEL rooms.

HOW am I going to let this go? HOW long do I give it before I realize if it is going to work? I know I will NEVER trust him again, but come one. It has to get easier and right now is the HARDEST week since it happened.

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Married: 10 years on June 30
Together: 14 years
DD 6.5yrs; DS 13 months

D-day March 10 (Mine & DS's Birthday!)
PA - almost 2 months
BW (me - 28 the day I found out)
WH (29 on May 18)

Angi

It is sad we BS have to go through this this type of intense pain and confusion. If we want it to work out that is what we do. I have read through your past postings and find it quite disturbing that your husbands maturity about commitment is limited. Perhaps he has not really committed himself or even worse does not plan on doing so until he truly feels the loss within his life as you are currently feeling.
Counseling is needed but you Angi also have to protect yourself and your child first! You must plan for your future in support of yourself and your child. Work on your self esteem, your wounds he inflicted and then provide him with the thoughts of how you as Angi and your child will do just fine if he does not grow up and take responsibility for what he can control. This avenue is hard because you stand to loose the security you thought you had but he has already taken that from you and forced you into suspecting his every move. This is not good for you nor is it good for your child. We betrayed spouses can help our wayward ones return to reality but only when they the WS's are willing to do so. Currently he is still walking in the fog and I suspect he feels he has the upper hand in this situation. Could be turning the tables will jerk him out of his stupidity into something you two can work with.
Take care and I hope you three the best!

SM

We have started counseling with the pasture at our church.

For the past 8 years, I have been main financial support for our family. Financially, I wouldn’t have many problems supporting our children (DD 6.5yrs, DS 13 months). My self-esteem, well that is in the doghouse right now. He had not SAID anything but I just think something has to be wrong with ME for him to do this. I have lost 16 lbs. since all this started. Yes, I could have stood to lose some to start with; I did just have a child who has been too ill for me to leave a daycare so I can go to the gym. If I lived somewhere where I can take the kids out for a walk in the winter that would be one thing but WV is not the best place for that.

I have a notebook I write in almost daily, I have asked him to do the same but before yesterday there were only 2 entries in the past month. Yesterday he apologized again about everything. He said he DID NOT laugh when I looked at him, it was a look of worry if anything, he was HOPING I wouldn’t ask whose they were. He said, he knew he couldn’t lie to me about it because I would put up walls and never let them down again. That he knows he HAS to tell me the truth REGARDLESS of the consequences.

He said he is very sorry for all of this and he wants me to become his best friend again & he will do what ever it takes. I guess I should be happy that he didn’t lie about them. He could have easily let me believe they were his but he told the truth.

Things seem to go so well, and then I get mad about an old bill. He has shown me that he loves me & wants to be here, but I wonder if he is just pulling the wool over my eyes & laughing behind my back. It is TOO big of a change from the person he use to be. EVEN when I caught him before, he NEVER cooperated this much. I am just waiting for the door to slam in my face. I have told him this & he said because he realized he was truly going to lose me this time & he does not want that. When I found out I was so numb, I never cried a tear, when he did, I told him he had no right to cry, just leave. I didn’t beg him to stay; I call her and said GOOD luck & wished them happiness. He said that is when he realized I had enough and better straighten up or it was over forever.

I am not sure I will ever be able to tear down my walls again! HOW in the world do people do it? Will I ever really trust him again?

How about proposing to him that both of you practice mutual accountability? Granted that he is the one who broke your trust with his affair and must work hard to regain it but if he knows that you are an open book with nothing to hide, might it not help him to become one himself? Just a thought.

TMCM

TMCM

Everything I put here I have written him my personal notebook at home. I leave it on the table every time I write something new in it (Not open DD can read too well.) I have told him to I WANT him to read it. He does and then replies either in his or after my entry.

I have been perfectly honest about my feelings, even my doubts. I do reinforce that I LOVE HIM, all the time. Yesterday, I told him, If I didn't love him then it wouldn't hurt so badly.

I actually wonder if I write about my doubts too much because I don't want him to think there is NO chance. How honest is too honest when it comes to that?

angi