JUST TRYING THIS POST HERE



I start at the begining. It started a yr and a half ago.

First it was all the porn he'd been hiding in the house. I was fine with it as long as he wans't hiding it, I like porn too but Its something we should do together. after months of fighting about it he finally got rid of it all.

Then it was the phone calls from and too "friends" that I knew nothing about. That stopped or so I thought

Then on V-Day last yr while I was at work ( as a firefighter working 24hr shifts) while he was supposed to be out getting me a gift, he asked the girl out whom sold him my gift, told her if was for a friend. and the day before Vday while I was at work again he took her out on a date. ON V-day he called her and told her that he had to go out of town and wouldn't be able to speek to her for a few months. never admitting he was with someone else. I had to call and talk to her tell her the truth. she said " I really liked him"

and NOW its the 800 900 #'s always calling sex chat lines. he says its just to have someone to talk to. I've caught him so many times and he again says I'll never do it again.

when I ask him why he does these things his answer is always " I DONT KNOW"

What am I suposed to think? Do? Say? I'm lost. I've never delt with this before. and I am still so in love with him. I used to think he could never do any wrong. he's a smooth talker and seemed to be a great guy all these yrs.

You didn't mentioned whether or not you are married to him. I am going to guess that you are living together.

If you aren't married to him then I would rethink whether he is really the right guy for you. He certainly isn't able to prove to you that he is on board for a monogamous relationship with you.

It sounds like he is a sex and porn addict and not ready for a real commited relationship with one person. His actions say that he is a 'renter' by Dr. Harley's definition in his book 'Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders' or 'The One'.

Were to be married in one year, and Everytime I have tried leave he goes on and on about how he loves me and I'm the only women for him that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...so on. Its very confusing.

He would have to want to understand why he is acting out as he is if he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He needs to understand what his personal bounderies need to be. Don't ever just take his word or anything but look at his actions.

You should separate from him until such time that he has fully dealt with this addiction of his through counseling and or SAA...(like AA for sex addicts)

Get Harley's book 'The One' a field guide for relationships that last.

Harley doesn't believe that living together before marriage is a good thing at all. Those couples are setting themselves up for more potential problems down the road because of a renters or independent behavioral mentality.

If you marry this man before these issues are fully dealt with then the behavior will only get worse in time and not better. Don't set yourself up for that sort of heartache. You think it is bad now...imagine if you are married with a couple of kids and you discover this stuff going on.

He is not marriage material in his present state.

This is an excellent book. I read it not too long ago.

Jesaka,

With an addict you have one choice - leave. Tell him to call you in three/six months and let you know how his recovery in a 12 step program is going. Otherwise not to call you at all.

You are confused because you are dealing with an addict. Or at the very least someone who is not able to be in a real relationship with a real person. Or maybe they are one and the same when dealing with porn addicts.

You have an incredible job, you risk your life to save the life of others. You don't need this.

I am sorry.