Super-short synopsis. D-day 2/12/05, had already been on Plan A for 3 weeks by then w/o knowing it, has been very effective in restoring affection but A continues under host of lies. My Wednesday post on the other thread was prematurely optimistic. After he M/L to me last nite, he went and P/U the OW to take on his business trip. The 2 of them are now on their way from that job to work the afternoon together at one of our company's sites & will get done about 10:30 PDST. Should I jump into B or ride it out & wait to see what happens re exposure? Want to just bludgeon him & get it over with, but that would be so unproductive. Help!

Have you caught him yet? If not,it is a good thing but don't do it by yourself.

just bumped up my other thread so it will be easier to reference.

Her car has been in her driveway all day, he left the house about 1am today, spent the nite in pleasanton, ca, went to san jose area for an installation, & is on his way straight to vacaville with her along. tho no pictures, it's pretty clear cut.

Edited: I know I couldn't do it on such short notice like this without help from my family. I have the flu right now and have been lying down all day, just propping enough to be on the computer. My sister will help me if this is the way to go.

No you do NOT jump into Plan B.

Remember this is a stategy.

Now I know you read Arks "the ART of Plan A" post, so you know that contact is expected.

You need to calm down and figure out your strategy notso.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

You are not ready for Plan B.

Thx Weaver for the reminder. I was getting extremely frantic. I know there's been contact, but this is the first time he's left me to go spend the nite with her in a long time. Deep breath, I will go back & reread that again.

Then next question: should I do or say anything at all? To him or to her?

notso,

You will not be comminicating with him until morning, correct?

I don't know what you can say so I will let someone else jump in here.

I just want to say stay calm and do nothing right now.

Know that this means nothing in the big scheme of things.
Actually it is good, as they can spend their time together and part of the mystery of the attraction will dissipate.

He will have more than he can handle internally when he is faced with your very good plan A.

You can get through this, and we are all here for you.

I'm sure I will be asleep when he gets home, tho I usually wake up & just chat for a little.

"He will have more than he can handle internally when he is faced with your very good plan A." Please tell me more. I think it will help to know I am making it hard for him.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thank you so much for the support.

No Plan B. You can't even THINK about Plan B until you're living apart.

What's up with exposure?

Yes, tell him you know about where he's been and with whom. Calmly.

You: Hi Hon! How was your trip!

Him: OK

You: Anything you need to tell me about?

Him: No

You: OK, so did OW enjoy it?

Him: Huh? What?

Then he'll either go into total denial or get offensive. You stay calm. Just explain that you know that he was with her and any single detail you can reveal that proves your case. DO NOT reveal your source.

WAT

My plan B, had I done it, would be to be gone when he gets here & let him know via phone or letter that he has 48 hours to either pack & leave or agree to NC.

Question about exposure: since one or more of his friends are going to talk to him, should I let them tell him, or perhaps tell him right now while he will be spending the whole rest of the evening with OW?

Also tx for the advice about confronting the lie. One more question, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Obviously STD's are a concern now. At first I believed they had only slept together once & used protection, then I began to suspect there was more & thought he might be lying but still pretended to believe him, & now I know he's lying about the sex. Is there a way to handle this without a big confrontation?

Thanks, everybody!!!!!

And suppose he said no and no. Then what?

I always advise folks that entering Plan B is unwise prior to some legal separation that ensures you will be living apart. Simply put, you can't Plan B under the same roof. And unless the BS is willing to vacate their home - strongly ill advised - you have no choice but to wait for the WS to leave on their own THEN get a legally binding method to keep them out of the home. The corcumstances can vary depending on if you rent vs own and whose name the rental/home is in.

Now, back to the case at hand: Tell who what? I'm confused.

WAT

Sorry again about being confusing. Hopefully it's just the flu, but I doubt it. What I meant was to tell him about the exposure (which took place without me due to him hiring her & someone-not me-telling the employees she was his girlfriend when all of them know & like me.) He will find out very soon about the gossip, if not from me then from somewhere, & I have no problem letting it go until then, unless it is important he hear it from me.

No, don't tell him about the exposure. Let him find out however he does, which will make him wonder who else knows and what they know and how they know.

Can you say "paranoid?"

How about you not signing the checks? What came of that?

WAT

WH's co. is now signed up with a payroll service, so that is no longer my job. I can't make any great moral stand anymore when it's not me, but at least I don't have to do it. And paranoid sounds terrific!

In the matter of housing, the place we actually live belongs to my mom and elderly GP, since I live there to take care of Gramps. We have other property of our own, but the house is not his or mine.

I just scanned your thread. My DDay was 2/27. Slow down girl. Plan A your butt off. Have you read ARK's old Plan A thread? Plan A

I didn't see that you had exposed the A yet. Get the evidence and get on it. If you can copy the text messages from online to a word doc. Do that. A neat little piece of software I found last week was keylogger. I got my WW personal E-Mail PW and have been able to download all her messages between OM and her.

We've been tossing around actors and actresses who did a good plan A. I've heard Grace Kelly in the movie rear window trying to lure Jimmy Stewart, or Cary Grant in His Girl Friday, or just about anything else.

Hope you feel better.

Hope you are doing okay this morning notso. I know you probably didn't get any sleep.

What I meant by him having enough to deal with internally with you Plan A, is that he is has to have major guilt going on right now. Because of this guilt he will have to justify his behavior by trying to blame it on you. You can not give him any reason to blame you even more than he already is.

When you react calmly, he cannot say you are a psycho *itch. This is what they all do, so you must be the calm in the storm. And you must keep your home as choas/conflict free as possible. Your kids need you to do this also.

The better your plan A, the worse his little affair is going to look. Let OW become the psycho nut case, not you.

I think you said you exposed to his/your parents. How about OW's people, is she married? Does she live with her parents?

This is a time for you to become the lighthouse notso. Read all that you can of ARKS posts on Plan A as others have suggested.

You can do this notso. Focus as much as possible on yourself, and keeping your kids out of any chaos.

You need to become the attractive choice because of your calm, loving spirit. Any LB's/DJ's need to come from the OW.

I know how hard this must be right now, but you just hang in there and remain strong, okay?

You asked about having SF with him now. Everyone is different about this and STD's are a real concern. I would say to him that you are not comfortable having SF with him while he is sleeping with someone else. You can still be affectionate if you want to with hugs and such.

Gimble has given a statement for the BS to use as kind of a mantra like this -

I very much want to remain married to you and am willing to do whatever it takes to recover and change the things which made you vulnerable to an affair as soon as no contact with the OW has been established.

Even if your H's company is doing payroll with a payroll company, you can still request the checks be sent to you for signing.

How much say do you have in the OW working there? How close does she have to work with your H? While you don't want to jeporadize someone's employment since most need to work, compromising the integrity of one's business is also a serious manner. Remember the incident of a business exec who recently was dismissed partially due to the fact that his A showed that he lost his ability to have sound judgement in his business decisions? Showing favoritism to the OW over the other employees is demoralizing and can have fatal consquences.

Can you contact Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling? He will help you get a plan of action for you.

Also, read Suriving an Affair (Dr. W. Harley) and Love must be Tough (Dr. James Dobson).

Your H's business trip was right where I used to live and work. Sorry to hear about this mess.

take care,
L.

Orchid, Weaver, & Sleepless,

Again, thank you. I tried to post one last time before going to bed that I felt much better, but kept getting an error msg even with Mozilla. WH finally dragged in just after 0230, and unlike usual did not wake me up to say hi. I pretended not to hear as he tiptoed around, but when he got in bed I rolled over and patted his cheek. Even in the almost-dark I could see from his posture that it made him feel verra verra bad, so I rolled over & fell asleep again with a smile. Okay, really more of a smirk.

I may have to read ARK every day, or several times a day. Surviving an Affair is on its way, counting the minutes till it gets here. Well, going to try and sleep for a little longer - not as sick today but still with a low-grade fever. I appreciate all of you so much - you're great!