My xW called me yesterday and asked me if we can move the summer visitation around this summer to accommodate a trip she’s taking with our boys and her mom (and OM, I beleive). The trip is part of a medical mission she works in her native country so it’s a great opportunity for the kids to see her side of the family. Problem? In order to make this work logistically, the boys have to leave the Friday before Father’s day.

She’s missed most of the Fathers Days b/c of the mission--I was fine with that while we were marriaed--but now she’s asking me to sacrifice my first, post-Dv Fathers Day to accommodate her desires.

In that same conversation, I had to tell her about my firing , as it affects the benefits I provide the boys. Her reply? ‘Good luck’

I’m really trying to do right by the boys, but sometimes this sitch makes me feel handicapped and bound. It's like my life was stolen. I know that's an illusion, but this journey from married, secure and employed to divorced, broke, and unemployed can rally affect one's vision.

Opinions?

I can suggest some questions to mull over:

Do you need to celebrate Father's Day on Father's Day, or can you do it a week earlier? It's okay to say, "It needs to be on the actual day when everyone else celebrates it", but if you can celebrate a week earler, that's one solution.

Would you feel differently about the trip and want to be more accomodating if OM weren't going? Again, it's perfectly fine to say, "Heck, yes, that makes a big difference". (I've noticed that for some reason whenever I ask questions people seem to take them as statements. I don't know why they do, but I've come to accept that as reality. These are questions, and to guide your thinking only-I don't need to know the answers. Whatever your honest answer is is fine.)

Is there any way that you could get the boys to wherever there mom is the day after Father's Day? I don't know their ages, the distance, and your comfort level, so this may not be a safe option at all, but if you can do it, it's a reasonable compromise.

I'll be thinking of you on Father's Day. It's my birthday and a big one at that. There's scant hope of the aliens returning my H before then. On the other hand, I know what kids that are home are going to be with me. Before D-day, my mom scheduled a family reunion/retreat up in the mountains. Most of my siblings, their spouses and kids will be there. I guess I'll get a birthday party after all.

Try to schedule your Father's Day before the real day. Would it make a difference to your WXW if you made sure she had a decent Mother's Day. No tit for tat? I'm not suggesting that you don't let her have the kids for Mother's Day but rather make it a pleasant day for her. Would it even cross her mind to return the favor?

She sounds like a real prize. Make a goodwill mission to another country while screwing over those closest to you.

Sure I could--and will celebrate Fathers Day b4 they leave. We share 50/50 custody so the exchanges are every other day, except for two weeks each in the summer. I could--but won't--get them to Jamaica after Fathers Day b/c they would have to catch up to the mission independently (not comfortable doing that with a 3 and 6 y/o).

But as I sit in church that Sunday w/o my kids, w/o my family, I will still feel the missing pieces in my life. People, relationships and experiences are not interchangable. It's the knowing of that caveat that pains me.

Okay, let me explain what I mean by "question". It means "I don't know the answer and you do". It does not mean "Do this".

I wouldn't be comfortable with a 3 year old and a 6 year old traveling without a parent or trusted grandparent, either. They certainly wouldn't be allowed to fly solo by the airline.

And if it really has to be Father's Day to feel right to you, then look at your options for having them with you on Father's Day. Can you insist that they be with you that day and leave it to their mother to figure out how to work her plans around that, or would that go against whatever custody agreement you have? My X and I had it written into the agreement that I got Mother's Day and he got Father's Day. We were able to be fairly flexible but either one of us could have invoked the agreement if we had to.

Your first post gave me the impression you were asking, "Should I let them go or not?" Now it sounds more like you are saying you have to let them go and want to know how to deal with that. Can you clarify?

dlc:

What country?

Is it allowed, in the DV settlement, for one of you 2 take your sons out of the country before they're 18? Some countries, that would not be a wise thing 2 do.

-ol' 2long

El:

I got it that you were asking questions and not giving instruction. I’m frustrated b/c the trip in and of itself should be a good experience for the boys ( 6 y/o went two years ago), but again it’s something that works for everyone but me.

2long:
The country in question is Jamaica. I’m ok with them going, and the settlement allows any trip with mutual permission.

One thing that would make it work for you is if your ex-wife left the day after Father's Day with the boys. Is that a possibility? Sure, she won't like it, but are the rest of the missionaries going to refuse to let her participate if she shows up a few days late? Or is it the sort of thing where transportation would be impossible for her if she doesn't leave as scheduled?

It just seems like if she created this situation; she should bear the brunt of the inconvenience.

I'm having some very politically incorrect thoughts right now. I'm wondering just what this mission is about. Medical? Missionary? Some time at the beach?

I guess one of my reactions would be that people going to a less-developed country to do good works dilute their energies by taking little kids with them. I've never been to Jamaica but I've been to other less industrialized countries. I've also traveled many, many miles with my kids at all stages of their lives. I suppose grandma is coming along to watch the kids while mom helps the poor folk of Jamaica. Why take the kids? Is the point for these little kids to be exposed to another segment of society? To be with their mom and OM? To visit WXW's family? IMVH, completely uninformed opinion, I don't think they belong there. I could be quite wrong. I don't know what the motive is.

My gut reaction is that if this is a medical mission, would I want my kids around people under treatment. If it's a religious mission, are the kids being used as some kind of prop. (Sorry, I have some issues with religious prostelization stuff.) If they are building houses, a construction site isn't the place for kids. Wouldn't your kids be just as well off staying with you so the helping hands aren't chasing after little kids?

I know nothing but half of me thinks it's a scam to get a little resort time in with OM. I hope I am completely wrong.