A quick note: telling him a bit in advance was definitely the right thing to do. He is stressing hard my departure from the norm. (Sneer.) "Where are you going with [a male friend]?" "Something's up. This isn't like you." "I hope you know what you're doing..." "What time did you plan to come home?" Etc. Tis a small comfort after what I just saw, but a comfort nonetheless.

Hi notso,

It sounds like it's time to start working on your Plan B letter. Post it on your thread so that the Plan B Letter experts can help you refine it. It will be your last relationship contact with WH until he is ready to dump OW, so it's very important that it is near perfect.

Plan A/Plan B are the two different parts of ONE strategy--to end the affair.

Plan B is to protect YOU from the day to day hurt of an ongoing affair. You go to Plan B to protect your remaining Love Bank balance so that there is enough left for rebuilding after the affair has run its course.

No Contact is very important in Plan B. It forces OW to meet ALL of WH's needs (which she can't do) because you will be meeting ZERO of them. Plan B after an excellent Plan A is usually the beginning of the end of the affair--it's only a matter of time.

Since FWH seems to be so upset over you going out without him knowing where and with whom, it might be a good time to seriously consider Plan B so that he knows NOTHING of your days and nights, and frets about it, while he is stuck with OW trying to meet all his needs while his mind is on what in the heck is notso doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Go to Plan B before you start to LB. LBing is a Plan A killer and makes the OW look better than she really is.

Start working on your Plan B letter. Do you know where the directions are in the info pages? Do you know where examples are in this forum?

Take care

So, Notso -

it seems you've come full circle since you started this thread. I'm sorry you are here - I know you had hoped the things you were doing would prevent you from arriving here. But sometimes that's the way it works. At least you know you did what you could do. Whatever happens now, you tried, you made the effort. That's to your credit.

Take care! (((((notso)))))

I agree wholeheartedly with WEAVER's posts to you so haven't chimed in.

Just to let you know, I got excellent advice during my PLAN B from MORTARMAN. My thread is on CC46's PLAN B thread. I hear that it is 200 pages or so. Of course, I haven't been able to read that nightmare. However, you might find it helpful as my FWH was a CAKE-EATER!! He also "LIVED IN THE CAKE"!

He is a truly repentant FWH, I think as a result of PLAN B! However, there were false recoveries before then.

Whew! It's been a long night and day! My version differs considerably from WH.

Hers:
Shortly after 6pm, BAMOABS gives her a ride to her sister's, as her car is still in the shop. Sis is gone, but is expected back any minute so Notso waits, groaning as she has to use dialup to access the MB site, looking for a way to pass the time. Also, growing quite chilly in her spring dress, she wishes she had changed before she came. Around 7pm, still online, she sends a slightly vague message to WH informing him she will be out for the evening to "see some friends and stuff". At 7:30 she gets the first of several calls from WH, the one discussed a few posts up. Then WH calls her, very angry, saying he is on his way home from work (4 hrs early) to get the kids, and it is all over between them. Notso is taken aback, and the only thing she is able to guess is that perhaps WH did indeed find a tracking device on his car and is blaming her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> She waits and wonders.

His:
Shortly before noon, WH receives a mysterious call from an unknown male asking for Notso by a pet name commonly used only in pre-college days. The UM hangs up abruptly upon finding out Notso is gone. WH's suspicions are aroused, as Notso knows he will be gone to work that day. Then, when he tries to call home that evening, only Gramps answers, saying Notso left in a hurry & is not back. WH tries to call SIL's house, with no luck. (Notso is on the hated dialup, remember?) Then the vague message arrives from one who has always had a tendency to over-explain, and suddenly it all adds up: Notso is going to sleep with someone else to punish him for his transgressions. He must race home and at least save the children from her evil clutches!

SIL is still not there upon his arrival at 8:30. Notso is not dressed appropriately for the weather, still in the same dress from church. He wants Notso to go and do...whatever it was she was going to do, but she calmly says, "Oh, that's all right, I already called [my female friend] and said I would just come another night." He winces. So she still plans to go, but at least not THIS night. Completely eluding him is the irony of watching Notso like a hawk to prevent her from doing the EXACT SAME THING he had already planned to do that EXACT SAME EVENING!!!!

Oh dear friends, that was such a long discussion. We both remained calm, which was to the good, but I never in a million years expected that reaction. He at least knows very clearly that I still believe he is sleeping with OW, but that I still love him and want us to succeed in working things out. He was even clingier than the other night, holding me all night and all morning, being extra loving and giving until...

After my nap, I was still very sleepy and came out to where he was working on the computer to sit down and rest my head on his knee, as I often do, when he was just downright rude, telling me to go back to bed if I was that tired, and he was too busy for this. Translation: I am in the middle of IM'ing OW trying to make amends for blowing her off last night, and setting up our next meeting (probably going on right now), and I don't want you to see any further proof that I have been lying to you." For somebody with astigmatism, I can see pretty well.

LovingBoundaries: Thanks for the info. I will start my letter today. It looks like the big confrontation re the company will probably take place next weekend, and I'll try to be ready by then. Mimi told me where to look to see her B letter advice.

DejaVu: Of course I remain very optimistic, but can handle it if things don't end well, either. Part of me hopes he will agree to my boundaries immediately, but most of me hopes he will at least take a little while and find out what he'll be missing if he leaves me.

Mimi: Thank you, I have the bad feeling that there will be more than one false recovery here, too, because they are very deeply entrenched in each other. At least I know what to expect, and have a good idea what to do about it - back to Plan B!!! - and as recommended, move if nothing else. I still keep hoping she'll move back east again, that would definitely make things easier.

One other choice tidbit from the phone conversation.

WH: Do you really think I'm the kind of scumbag who would go up there and have sex with OW, and then come right back to you and have sex with you, too?

Notso: I love you, and would never want to put labels like that on you.

Not much to say after that...

Not So:

It seems that you are getting this but I want to say it "out loud" for you.

I've learned this from my FWH, the former ultimate "cake-eater, during some recent discussions. Of course, I didn't understand this THEN as I do now. He has shared that during the "cake-eating time", he didn't really have a time frame on it. He wanted it to last as long as possible, enjoying both her and me. It just FELT SO GOOD, sort of like an alcoholic binge getting 100% of his ENs met. So he was telling me what I wanted to hear and telling her what she wanted to hear, having us both dangling on a string. YUK!! Then, when he would commit to me, he would want her-break NO CONTACT - then FALSE RECOVERY!! PLAN A resulted in the attempts to break it off with her. However, he was too addicted to do this without the emotional pain caused by PLAN B.

It was PLAN B, having to be with her 24/7, with NO CONTACT with me that did it. It was not so much the thought of me being with someone else, though. I also was encouraged to go out by folks on the forum, etc. He almost liked that idea of me doing that because the OW was telling him that I would go on without him, that I didn't love him, that I would do the same thing as him, what he was doing
wasn't bad, etc. He didn't get concerned about me moving on until PLAN B when he began to want me back and was unsure whether that could happen.

What happened during PLAN B was that she could not meet his needs. She failed and he learned what she was "really" all about. He continues to steadily come to a realization of her. The FOG is incredibly thick!!

Hang in there!!

I also recommend you look ahead to Plan B - depending on the affects of pending exposure.

But you cannot do what you alude to above - go to Plan B if he doesn't leave (unless I am misunderstanding your intent).

Plan B is not available to you until you are living apart AND there are sure things in place to prevent him from moving back in. Didn't we go over this once already - or am I confusing you with someone else? Could be my oldstimers disease. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So what's the latest with the pending exposure?

WAT

WAT - no, it's not old-timer's. You did indeed ask me about it, but the house where we live now belongs to my BAMOABS, and neither of us have our names anywhere on it. Our right to be here is with the permission of Mom & Gramps. Our other property would not become an issue except in the case of a D.

So yes, I can ask him to move out & initiate B all at the same time, and make it stick. Can - and WILL! Our VP gets back today from his mini-vacation and begins the investigation. He hopes to talk to WH by this weekend.

Mimi - Thanks for sharing the insight from your FWH. That really describes what is happening here. He has gone from occasionally responding to her nauseating messages but brushing her off a lot of the time, to drooling and slavering, sometimes responding lustfully 2 or 3 times to one of her messages. It went downhill very fast once it started.

Here it is. Thoughts? Comments? WAT, I stole shamelessly from the helpful info you gave Pebbles.

My Dear Husband,

Everything I have said to you about how much I love you, and the hope I have for the restoration of our family has been true. Even with the revelations I have received, I still love you with all my heart and want for us to have a chance to repair our relationship. You have been able to see the changes I have already made in an effort to make our family stronger, and no matter what happens I have become a better person for it. Though I am not perfect (yet), I have made many improvements in the way I run the household, make time alone with you a priority, and you know very well about my new lack of inhibitions in expressing my love for you. You can help me, and together we can build a new and better marriage that will be a solid foundation for our children, and a source of joy for the two of us. We owe it to our family to try.

I told you from the beginning that I would not pressure you into a timeline to make your decision between ***** and me, and I am not doing that now. You may not realize what I have endured because of your decision to continue your relationship with *****. Yes, I know that the difficult situation we are in now is just a symptom of the problems that already existed in our marriage, and that we both carry a share of the blame for that. Still, nothing is so wrong that it cannot be fixed if we both work together.

It has become too painful for me to continue to see or talk to you while you continue your relationship with *****. I love you so much, but that love is being terribly damaged by the pain of knowing you are with someone else. Thus I am separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain until you are ready to commit to rebuilding our family, free from your entanglements with another woman. Again, this is not about assigning blame, or me rejecting you. I am still willing and eager to be your wife, but only when you can be exclusively my husband.

Until you decide to recommit to our marriage and family, please do not communicate directly with me. You may see and talk to the children as much as you like—email T*** at my email address to set this up (she uses it more than I do anyway), or make arrangements through your mom. J*** can be our mutual contact for anything regarding the business.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way, but please remember at every moment that I would much rather rebuild our marriage. The children and I are the ones who can help you learn to be truly happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent part of you, and we have so many good memories to carry us through the hard times ahead. I look forward to the time when we can reach out and meet each other’s needs, when you decide to recommit to our marriage. The door to my heart is open to you whenever you are ready to come back. The path is simple: end all contact with ***** for the rest of our lives, (I will help you write the letter and send it), and then we can talk about what it will take to shape a secure future for our family, one in which we will never need to separate like this again.

I want to be your best friend again, always there when you need me. I want you to be there for me, too, and I eagerly wait for the day when that hope can become a reality.

I love you dearly,
Notso

Sounds great. I want to remind you to specify his need to write her a NC letter, which you (NOT SO) can read and then, you two, mail together, stating that he will never see, talk or communicate with her ever again in his lifetime.

Good letter, 'neak.

Two comments - one easy and one not so easy

I suggest this read, "Until you decide to recommit to our marriage and family....." Don't dumb this down to a simple "choice" between your family and marriage and the 'saur.


All the stuff regarding the business is bothersome to me in this context. Can you handle this stuff ahead of time and keep it out of the Plan B letter? This detracts from what the overall tone of the letter should be - a love letter about your marriage and family. I suggest you not mix business in to it.

OK, one more easy one:

Not "if and when..." Just "...when..." Be courageous and optimistic.

WAT

How about just simply listing J as the business contact and then discussing the particulars with J at another time? You're right, it is kind of a pbl-jack. I'll edit your very good changes into the above post.

Yes, I guess it makes sense to simply specify a person in the business to be the "business intermediary." I suggest trying to minimize details in the letter about it.

Good move not to refer to OW as the skanklyosaur.

WAT

{{{{{{{{LOL}}}}}}}}}}

It was tough, but I didn't want to break my so-far perfect record of NEVER EVER saying anything derogatory about her, at least not to him. Taking the high road has meant that on more than one occasion WH found himself defending me to OW, who was/is convinced I am the personification of evil. My tongue may have deep tooth marks in it, but it was worth it....

Another of life's little ironies...

The other night WH told me that at first he could hardly stand to touch me when we had SF, but now he desired me more than ever. But right now for me, knowing details of what he is doing with OW, I feel just like he did at the beginning, and probably worse. I am swallowing my bile with effort to maintain a very strong Plan A until the very last second when I am ready to implement B. If he weren't so busy having phone sex & worse, he might notice that I can't help being a bit more distant. Ugh!

I can't imagine anything that would build character/emotional maturity more than a strong Plan A.

I don't really think I could do it. Even though I see and understand the value. Not just as the first part of a plan designed to bring a WS back into the fold, but as part of an exercise in personal growth and healing.

But you, YOU are doing it. And doing it well it seems. So good for you notso!

Stay strong by keeping the big picture/goal in mind.

Thinking of you notso,

weaver

Thank you, Weaver. It's really hard right now, I find myself getting all teary in line at the store, or just going about my day-to-day stuff. There are no more whiny messages about her getting the silent treatment, just a never-ending flood of filth (including a hint of possible threesome activity). It hurts so badly I just want to be dark!

Yesterday I was reading in Exodus where Moses went and complained to God. "God, I went to Pharaoh and did everything just like you said, but now we're worse off than ever before, and You're not doing anything! What are You trying to do here, anyway?"

"Calm down, Moses. What happened to your faith? It's time for you to stand back and watch Me work. You're very impatient, but it has only just now become the right moment to deliver My people out of Pharaoh's hand."

I suppose it's only logical that the last few moments before standing back would be the hardest.

WOW! Those are words to live by.

Faithful, I know you know how both of us are feeling right now, and I just want to say I really appreciate your words of encouragement.