This is my first time in here. Dont really know what Im looking for, other than some outside opionions on my situation.
My wife and I met our junior year of high school. We instantly became best friends, started dating, and fell in love a few months later. We have been married for 5 years, together for 7, and have a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. I was in the army for nearly 5 years, but we were lucky and had to deal with little separation during that time. I am now a government contractor and have spent all but 2 months out of the last year here in Afghanistan. It was a decions we both made to get our family ahead.
Other than a few problems during our first of marriage, our relationship truly has been wonderful. We are both very loving, caring, affectionate people, and have done a good job at showing each other how much the other means to us. While the separation of this job would be enough to destroy a lot of relationships, up until a couple of months ago, it really brought us closer together. It made us realized how much the other meant to us, and made us both love and appreciate our relationship a whole lot more than we already did.
I got to go home for a month or so over Christmas and New Years. And things were absolutley wonderful. We had such a good time together, and there was so much love and affection that neither of us really could have been any happier. We even went on a Caribbean cruise. For 5 months leading up to my visit over Christmas, we had talked about getting out more and doing more things together. I am the one that brought this up, but my wife seemed just as excited about bring the dating phase back to our relationship as I was. That was something that we lost focus on after our first child was born, and something we totally forgot all about after having our second child. We talked about going out to the bars and clubs, movie theaters, even things as simple as eating dinner by ourselves. We both wanted to spend more time together, alone.
But when I got back home, she made sure I got to make up for the all of the missed daddy time with my children. she didnt want to go out or do anything we talked about doing, and i fgured that would all take place on our cruise. we still had fun and did things together, we just did them together as a family. but on the second to the last night on the cruise, i was practically begging my wife to loosen up and go out and have fun. she refused. i didnt let her know that it really bothered me then, because i didnt want to ruin the rest of our time together. she has some self-esteem problems and insecurities, where i know if i would have mentioned it then, she would have been hurt and upset and felt like I wasnt having any fun with her and it would have created a huge mess. i was still having a good time, just let down that she made no attempt to do any of the things that we both said we wanted to do for the last 5 months.
when i got back out here, we got into an argument a few days after Valentines Day. Our 5th year anniversay was 12 days later. She later said she was just joking and didnt mean it, but she told me that she felt we didnt need a relationship together other than one to raise our children. that killed me. so i let her know i was upset and disappointed that we didnt do any of the stuff we talked about doing. told her i still had a good time and had fun, but the fact that we didnt go out once, or didnt have one day where all we did was show each other how much we missed each other, made the whole trip a litle disappointing. i was just trying to get her to realize how important it was to me that we went out and did stuff together, and brough the dating part back.
right then she starts defending herself of how she is who she is, and shes not going to change. she said that i didnt love her, i just loved some made up version of her i had in my head. if she didnt make me happy then, she never would. it was that reaction that made me keep my mouth shut on the cruise- i knew thats how she would take it and it would ruin the rest of our time together.
then, out of nowhere, she says she doesnt love me and she wants a divorce. she doesnt want to talk about, try counseling, wait and see what happens, or anything else to try and fix it. she just wants a divorce and wants it as soon as possible
i have done everything in the world to show her how much i love her, how happy she makes me, and try and remind her of how much she loved me and how great things were when we were together. she says it doesnt matter. she has determined before hand that nothing i say or do will make a difference, will mean anything to her, or will change anything. she says she was in love, wasnt having any doubts, and was incredibly happy when i was back...she even said things were perfect. but for some reason, that doesnt matter to her.
my guess is this. the only reason that, and everything else, doesnt matter, is because she will not allow herself to let something matter. if she opens up and allows something to touch her, to have an impact on her, to mean anything to her, then she will remember how good it was and will realize that this divorce is wrong. i know it is wrong, and if she would give it a chance, she would see that it is wrong, too
when we get along for a few days, or even a week at a time, she is open to talking about it or seeing what happens when i come back. she even agreed to check out marriagebuilders.com, do the questionnaires, and read His Nees, Her Needs. but the second we get into a fight, she takes all of that back and says she doesnt anything to do with me.
im trying so hard because i know that all of this is so wrong. we are always so happy and so in love with eachother, and nothing has really happened to make her shut off all of her feelings for me like that. normally, she is the sweetest woman in the world, and would never do or say anything to hurt me. but since this came up, she has intentionally hurt me several times. she will say things like she got rid of all my emails, letters, and pictures of us. she has been having doubts for a long time but was just to scared to ever say or do anything about it. she doesnt want to be friends afterwards, and doesnt even care if ever talk again. but when she cools down and we get along for a few days, shell admit that she just said all of that to hurt me. she still has all the emails and letters and pictures of us. shell admit that she was never having any doubts or second guesses, and that was so in love with me and things were perfect. shell say that she cant imagine not being best friends with me after all of this, and that i will always be an important part of her life
with all of her ups and downs, i think she might be battling depression, or maybe even that she might be bipolar. i know i cant mention this to her without her screaming at me. a week or so after it came up, i told her i thought she might be depressed, and she screamed at me "IM NOT F*CKING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!" Anything about that is taken as an insulut, instead of me being worried about her and thinking she might need some help.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated. I have been so close to giving up a number of times...but this isnt my wife. I know deep down that all of this is wrong, and if she would give it a chance and consider that she might be making a mistake, she would realize that, too. I thought we were getting somewhere when she agreed to read the stuff on this website, but the day i called her to talk about it turned into a huge fight, and so I know all the progess we had made was just lost. There is a lot more to this, and if anyone wants to talk with me about it, please get ahold of me, either through her or by email at [email]goodie_mobbb@hotmail.com.[/email] Im going nuts because I dont know what to do. I dont want to give up, but by not giving up, I keep putting myself out there and maing myself vulnerable, and she keeps walking all over me and making me feel like crap. this woman is my best friend and the love of my life, and we have always referred to eachother as our soulmates and planned on growing old together. but again, she says none of that matters. how can it not matter? my answer- because if she let it matter, she would see that she is making the biggest mistake of her life, and she has no clue on how to go about rebuilding a relationship once one person has mentioned divorce and has said that they dont love the other person anymore...
please, let me know if i should just give up and try to move on or what. i want this to work more than anything, and i know that no matter what has happened, we can get through this...but i cant get through it on my own, ya know?