ok this may will be 2 years since the A started and D day. wow what an up and down 2 years!!!! well in the past couple weeks i've come to a few understandings. One of them being that i have NO clue whatsoever still if there is contact bewtween him and ow. 2. I have spend about 90 percent of the last 2 years letting her preoccipying my brain even if she is not a part of it. 3. I am codependent. and countless other lessons learned! But at this point in my life I can not contunie feeling this way everyday. i have been working real hard on my codependency issues. and i dont know if there is any contact with him and OW. so for now i need a break i need to give it up and let god take care of it. i feel like i found out the first time for a reason i'd find out again. I will still be watchful, observant and journaling away. BUT what i'm doing is not working. i realized this bluntly after yet another arugement with him when i suspected he was at work late to talk to her on the phone. but i cant prove it. so i need to let it go an dhave some peace in my self for awhile. If i finid osmething else I will go from there. but for now i have nothing just some suspiousns that seem to obsesess mymind. i need to let them go. I dont know if this would be considred something like a plan A. but i'm going to work on me and be as civil/nice as possiable and focus and me. I am done trying to make him happy everysecond. i'm busy wasting my life. i'm not going to do that.!

Hmmm. It concerns me that you have no idea if there is no contact or not. No wonder you are not feeling safe. I think some counseling is in order - or won't he go?

This is not something that can be swept under the rug.

Believer, here is why I have no idea and dont think i'd be able to find out about any contact. I know for a fact there is no contact on the cell phones. I know for a fact there is no contact on our hosue phone. I know he is not "missing" or unaccounted for. What i dont know: i dont know if he calls her from work... How would i ever find this out??? that would be the only contact or if he emails her while hes at work again,s omething i could never verify. so why/how can i sit here consuming my life worrying and trying to analyze everythign down to the color of underware he wears to the way his voice sounds. i'm just driving myself NUTS> an di'm missing out on my life trying to control everything. I cant find out if hes talking to her while at work. So i have to let it go and work on ME> we will be going to counsling. starting the first week of JUNE> i just dont feel i have any othe roptions. he will never admit weather or not hes tlaking to her at work. and there have been some wierd things that i have susoiups of BUT i have a tendendcy to turn anything into suspious.

Believe it or not, this is when you can make your move. Learn how to use tools at your disposal that if you are strong enough to handle the truth can help you move forward.

See the fact that you don't feel safe as Believer stated is a tell tale sign that the A is still alive (even if only in some contact). The EA c/b still active. Why? Because you don't feel safe.

It is your spouses job to make you feel safe and when he doesn't, then he isn't doing his job. The M suffers. You are not in recovery but stagnant.

Tools: reverse babble, his needs/her needs, phone counseling with Steve H., emotional needs questionnaire, establishing your boundaries and implementing them, plan B, etc.

The goal: Feel safe. That's for starters. Later goal: feel secure. Then, feel loved.

L.

Well you could definatly be Right I dont know . but here is my biggest dillema WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING.... i dont know how to implement a plan a with a plan B date because I cant say we need to seperate until nc because i dont know if ther eis any contact!!?!?!? Then a lot of me not feeling safe/secure has been a recurring issue through out my life and has to do with two things. 1. being my codependencye which leaves me feeling unsafe a lot and 2. my H used to be like this also he just isnt always the nicest person i guess, and this was how he used to be awhile befoer the A also. Here is asn example: he used to work hourley at work and had to put in 45 a week. he then for the past year have been on salery and only had to work 41-42 hours. so normally he would get off on we/thru/fri at 9 and then sat at 8. well this week he started back on hourly. he kept saying he was going to work late b/c he feels we need the money (we dont) this is hard for me b/c its reminiscient of when he was in contact with OW (except now i can find him at work where he says he is then i couldnt) WELL here is our conversatin that just happned;
H: i was just calling b/c i was looking at my hours i have to stay till 8:30 tonight.
ME: i though tyou werent staying late on Sat.'s
H: its only a half an hour (angerly sounding)
ME: oh
H: i left early last night
ME: you left at 9:30 you normally leave at 9.
H: i know have to work till ten again I have to work a 45 hour shift again (this is th efirst stime i've heard he HAD to work the 45 hours i've just been told he wanted to work more so we'd have more money)
ME: Ok , I dont know why you sound so angry
H: because I dont need an attitude from you(practilcally screaming)
ME: ok bye.


i'm just fustrated. ughhh. i just ndont know what i should be doing.

Mylife -

It seems you have a lot of work to do. What is it that you LIKE about your husband? He had an affair and now is not treating you well.

If I understand right, you have been married only 2 years, and he had an affair 2 years ago. Is that right?

You deserve to have someone who cares for you and respects you.