Hi all,

It has been some months since I have posted here. I hope you are all well.

To update, my husband has broken up with the ow. For those of you who don't know our story, they started as friends three years ago, a kind of no strings thing, (in his mind at least).

It turned out she had more in mind- she was looking for a father for her 5 kids, commitment; the usual.

Had he wanted that, he would have had it with me, but the reason this all started was because he didn't want the intimacy or responsiblities that come with marriage.

Anyway, it is over except for a few loose ends.

He is spending time with our daughter now on a regular , almost daily basis. She has had a very bad time of it the past two years.
She has no family or friends, and she was being bullied at school, so when he abandoned us it really messed her up. I confronted him about her a month or so ago and that was the main thing that woke him up and prompted him to end it with ow. It wasn't going anywhere anyway. There was no way he was going to move in with her and be a father or husband.

I am trying to figure out where we go from here. I don't know what or where we are, he and I, relationship-wise. We are focused on our daughter and her needs, and we get along okay. We are still living apart.

I want a clean slate- I need to talk about things so that we can put it behind us and move forward.

This has been the worst nightmare of my life. I want it to be over and for us to love each other and our child.

How do we get there from here? How do we start talking?

Shul

Just wanted to say "welcome back" to you Shul. I am sorry about the difficulties with your DD. I don't really have any words of wisdom just wanted to say hi.

Shul,

At some point for a marriage to recover we all find ourselves at this very question....How do we start?

In my eyes you've already started.

When my wife ended her R with OM we were separated. She didn't tell me when she did it. Later when she did tell me and talked about working on the marriage I was scared senseless.

None of the issues between us had been dealt with. I had dealt with my own though IC but I wasn't sure if I was ready to incorporate "ours" into the mix.....I was barely balanced as it was.

Really it was about my W "proving" that she wanted to be married. Just what your H is trying (hopefully) to do. I wouldn't rush anything. I mean its been two years of crap whats another couple months of paced work.

Communication will need to be at the forefront. You both will need to be able to express pain and hurt in a safe way. We started with phone calls. We had spoken maybe 20 minutes in the first couple months we were separated and it was hard for me not to want her just to move back in. The telephone was easier because we weren't face to face. If things got too intense we could just hang up and talk later. Being apart probably helped in this area because if the conversation upset me I could end the phone call and be by myself. No avoiding her in the house or adding anymore stress to our daughter's already stressfull life.

Going to church together would be a safe environment to spend time together. Meeting for lunch or going to a school function together.

Everytime my wife and I met I had to make myself slow down. I always wanted more than what she was giving. But the point was, that she WAS giving. It was small at first but she was taking a risk just like me. I had to show appreciation and affirm the steps she was making. They seemed small to me but they were pretty big to her.

I hope this helps in someway.

God Bless,

Doug

Shul, I posted to you over on Prayer Requests.

Thankyou all for your replies.

It occurs to me that his breaking up with ow does not automatically mean that he wants to be with me, ( or anyone, for that matter..).

At one point in this he said that he was done with women peroid; that we were both making him nuts etc. Demands, commitment, expectations and so on.

I am content that he is making an effort with our daughter.

Scratch that. I am not content at all. I want us to be a couple again, but a real couple.

I feel that we need to start over fresh- as though we were meeting for the first time after a long time.


We see each other every day, sometimes several times a day, but it is always about work or the car or some mundane thing. It feels so dry, passionless, ie. when he kisses me hello/goodbye . He mentioned the other day that whenever he gives me a hug I am shaking like a leaf. May whole body trembles uncontrollably.

Doesn't he understand how all this has been for me? I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.

It is exhausting.