The cel phone bills do not lie. I approached my wife and she admited that she was having an emotional affair with another man.

Backstory...

my wife and i met in 1991 marriend in 1997 have on 4 year old son. She met this man at a photo conference that the family had to struggle to get her to.

The marriage was not unpleasant but according to her, she was not getting what she needed from me.

I am looking for kind words of support form anyone that has been throug a similar situation as I am having a hard time keeping the distance. It has been about 5 days and she is in the worst shape I have ever seen her and I cant do a darn thing to make it better. I am really trying to be the best person I can and to not be angry but she really is hurting and so am I. She commited to try and rebuild the marraige and to cut off the OM completeley. She is not the type of person to ever do this type of thing and it is really out of character for her.

I suppose I am looking for any support and help in this trying time as I am having a very difficult time dealing with the reality of this situation.

We are going to see a MC next week and I hoe this helps. She is totlay withdrawn and downright angry at me It is so hard to watch someone you love go through pain and not be able to be there for them.

Thanks in advanced for any support

Ryan

Hi Rdripps,

I'm sorry you are going through this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .

Your wife is in withdrawal from her other man right now, that's why she is hurting so bad. As time goes on and if she truly cuts off all contact with him she will feel better.

In the meantime, it would probably be best if you just give her some space. Be there for her if/when she is willing to accept it. Don't expect much from her though right now (I know you are hurting too!). When she is no longer in withdrawal you two can start working on repairing your marriage. It sounds like you are already doing all this though, just be patient?

As far as her not getting what she needed from you, have you read The Emotional Needs article on this site? Probably not now, but when she's feeling better, you two could maybe explore each other's emotional needs and fill out the questionaire? It can be an eye opener.

I wish you both luck! I hope the marriage counseling goes well. I feel very optimistic for you two...she has expressed a desire to repair the marriage and is willing to end contact with the other man, as well as go to marriage counseling. And you are trying hard to be there for her even though you have been hurt, and want to repair the marriage as well.

Sio

Ryan,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I was just about to post my similar story and noticed that you have the same DD as I was about to post. I caught her via the cell phone bill as well. This is my WWs second. I went through it in 2000. It was gut wrenching. We read Surviving an Affair (highly recommended) and followed it to the tee. I went straight to an Attorney this time, determined I wasn't doing it again but I love her and we have kids so she's agreed to cut it off and give counseling a try.

But you probably have a better shot than we do if you'll get the book or read the principles on this site and commit to work hard at it.

Best of luck.

Chris

Sio

Thanks for the positive response, it helps to hear that there is hope. We have gone through the EN questions, it is just to early I guess to start as she is in bad shape and needs space right now. Hopefully she wont fall into a deep depression during this time of space. I am trying to encourge her to talk with friends for support. We shall see. Today is better that yesterday, I pretty much am trying to take it one hour at a time.

thanks again for the support, it really does make it easier!

rdripps

Chris

The only thing keeping me from total despair is to try and focus on positive things and work to make myself a better person. Easier said than done when you are on a emotional rollercoaster as I am finding out. I have used a lot of this event as a reflection on myself and to see that perhaps I was not living my life as happy as I should have been. In turn working on making myself a better person. If she wants to work it out she will have a much happier person to come back to.

My heart goes out to you and good luck.

Ryan

Sorry RD. About 11 months ago I found out about an EA my wife was having by noting her change in demeanor, attitude, attention to appearance, and just inconsistencies in her behavior.(I think the ws is in such a fog that they never notice that they have changed.) This led me to check cell phone records(felt silly and guilty) and I was shocked to see the number of times and time length that she talked with other man. It was/is unbelievable-I didn't/can't understand how a busy, working, mom and wife could have so much time to hang-out on the phone.

That first day and for a few days afterward, I felt like I had a concrete block in my stomach and felt like I was going to die-and didn't care if I did. The terrible feelings diminish over time as you confront the betrayal and just wear out the emotion I guess. I would have thought that my wife would have been the VERY last woman on earth to have an EA/PA ect. I is SO out of character. That made me feel guilty and somehow responsible. I don't feel that way any longer.

We have two young wonderful boys that are beautiful and bright beyond any expectation. The boys are the main reason for me not to move on- I loved her and love her very much but if that love, trust, honesty, and respect is not returned, my nature would be to move on-after all why bother?

She was very angry and withdrawn from me the first week or so-no crying or remorse shown-just an angry face. Her justification was 'he never touched me, it was just talk' so what is the big deal. Actually the ws gets 'mad' at the bs for upsetting the wonderful fantasy life they have found through the phone, computer, or whatever. In my case the EA didn't lead to a PA(pretty sure but can't really ever know) because it was early in the course(6weeks). I think a PA would have happened-after all she was incrementally changing her behavior and doing 'things' that she would never have even considered 'before'. She didn't want to talk about the EA and the conversations just saying they were unimportant and didn't mean anything to her. Basically she just wanted/wants to move forward and forget about the whole thing. I asked her several direct questions to which she lied. Close inspection of the phone records and an old receipt from a gift revealed those lies. I can see that in an unpleasant situation lieing may appear to be the best option but it is not. It has slowed my recovery after this EA significantly. After a period of time she did become, I think, geniunely appropriately remorseful and realized how much damage she has/had done to our relationship. And, in my opinion really, cheating on me is not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things; but a ws actually cheats on the kids/family unit and that is the far, far greater tragedy.

So every situation is different and I think 'we' are doing well. She is back to being the wife I had and knew for the 13 years before; however and this is a big 'however' our relationship has been changed, at least for me. How can it not be? It is not so much a loss of trust on my part but a diminished level of expectation I guess. It is difficult to put into words. I still think about the EA every day-I am looking forward to the day I don't. There are triggers than remind one that are difficult or impossible to eliminate. Emotions are like a roller coaster with ups and downs going from anger, guilt, understanding, loving, apathy, and others and then back again. The ups and downs seem to be having less amplitude.

I still have questions and will bring them up occasionally and she tolerates this pretty well. I feel like I am torturing her but the EA is/has tortured me. One thing that bothers me is that she never brings it up-I wish she would. I would like to hear about any incidental contact with om(traffic light, gas station, Walmart, whatever) so that I know she is being honest with a difficult subject. But when I ask she says there has been no incidental 'sightings' for lack of better word. This seems unlikely given our small town environment. Or just 'how are you doing with my EA and its effects?' or something like that. Maybe that is too much to expect.

I hope this is helpful for you in any small way. It is helpful for me to write some of my feelings. Best of luck in your situation and I sincerely hope everything works well for you and your family. TNman

HI RD and TNman

my heart goes out to you both and all of us that has been through this....
M H had an EA (online line) and it is a very painful experience. a part of me wished it was a PA a one night stand crap he could of fed me and that was it.. but an emotional one is far worst. to me at least.. this deals with the heart and when he gave that part of himself to OW well it killed a part of me... he took a year away from me and our children and gave all of his time and energy to her... the emails i read has sicken me so. and he still misses her... still need to "talk" to her... they have this "bond" that i use to have with him.. he has done something wrong... and denies it... I do not know why i stay with him... I hope that this fantasy goes away. and takes the knife out of my heart when it does...
its all the lies.... to me and himself and yes to HER!!(OW) all the times he has told me it was over.. after one year i do beleive it is.. but i will always know that she lives in a part of his heart... and I will never be enough for him..
just thaough I'd share my thoughts on EA and what it has done to me...
good luck to you all
and may we all heal!!!! and love again

HurtinHeart-Thanks for the kind words of support and the same to you.

Any affair is very damaging to a relationship and more personally crushing to the BS. As bad as an EA is, for me it wouldn't be as bad as a PA that existed over time. Maybe a one time situational whambam wouldn't be as bad, but I think recovering from an EA would be much more possible for me.

I found out about the EA before it became a PA as I am confident it would have. I think my wife didn't want a PA but I feel that was the motive of the om and he was just preparing her like a stalking predator.

My wife has been very understanding and wants to rebuild our marriage/relationship after the initial 'madness'. I feel fortunate in that regard. The EA has changed our relationship inevitably and I am certain that whatever gratification she gained from the EA has been offset 1000x by the distress it has caused in our family.

Did you contact the ow or her husband?. I did contact the om after a week or so(time to settle down and talk like a reasonable human being) and he was 'nice' over the phone just telling me that he likes to talk and talks to a lot of people/women. I did not tell him/them to break off the EA saying instead that they are adults and will do what they want anyway-and had already. I did tell him it has caused much distress in my family and was a huge issue for me. He is married too and I told my wife I was going to call his wife just to inform her, but I never did. Om told his wife before I called evidently as my wife told om I was going to call his wife in one of their hopefully last conversations. I told my wife I had spoken with om and she called him to see what I had said-I guess that is to be expected as the EA is evidently difficut to end. The ws feels like they can 'talk' with their EA significant-other more than to their spouse-and that is the root of the problem to begin with.

Again thanks to all and good luck with your emotional hurts. MB was helpful to me and just writing down my feelings is cathartic.

Happiness, Honesty and Integrity to all. TNman

wow... i found out on the 18th as well.


i checked one of his email accounts to see that the girl he said he didnt know had written him... 5 times. at least to THAT account.

and he lied about the phone records.... and the fact that when i went to go pay rent, the lady said to me, "oh, i thought you were a blonde" and the fact that the girl had a blog ABOUT MINE.


so, i am trying not to ask everyday all the questions that pop into my head... because i dont want to be THAT WIFE.


he still hasnt broken it off with her, yet. but i think thats coming this week (if I have anyting to say about it)


so, just be there for her. let her know that you love her and sypathize with the fact that she is going through a hard thing. hopefully she will realize that you are stronger than she ever imagined and it will be easier for her to rely on you and rebuild trust if she knows you dont hate her all the time.... (not saying you do, just wouldnt we all love to?)


best wishes.... and lets make calendars WITHOUT april 18th on them, deal?

~jupiter