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aislinn Offline OP
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[color:"purple"]I'm feeling purply today...I have not worn my pants in some time (Idiots know what I'm talking about)...so excuse me if this color is obnoxious...Anyhoo....


There is something I have been discussing with another poster here lately..and it's along the lines of the things in your life that make you happy...

Why is it not o'kay to feel like you need to have someone in your life to make you complete...to make you happy? It is the one thing that is stressed....MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY..make it so that you're happy alone...and *then* share that with someone else...

Well...why the heck isn't it o'kay for it to be another person in your life that makes you happy?

Finishing an education..that's okay to make you happy...
Finding a fulfilling hobby...that's o'kay to make you happy...
Getting that dream job...that's o'kay to make you happy...
Being content with your own behavoirs...that's okay to make you happy...
Finding someone to share your life with..that is not o'kay to make you happy...it's only o'kay to *share* your happiness with that person...

So why is that?

I am *content* being alone. I enjoy my privacy and enjoy my "alone" time. I'm accomplishing something with my education, making new friends, changing behavoir, finding things that make my life enjoyable rather than just livable. But ya know what? "Content" is not happy. "Peaceful" is not happy. I want someone in my life. I want someone to love and someone to love me. That is my fulfillment..that is what makes me feel complete. So what is so terrible about that?

Discuss, please.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
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~*~My Old Signature is too long~*~
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I'm with you on this one. It's scary to me cos it's 86 years since I last went on a date (at least!). I don't feel I need anyone to share my life with but I want it. There's just a feeling that something is missing. TT

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Hey Aislinn! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Love the color! Well, I agree with you... all the "sucesses" in life aren't nearly as meaningful if you don't have someone to share them with...

As painful as all of the A's and all of the time rebuilding has been, I know it would be infinitely more painful to know that I couldn't share my good times and my sucesses with Mrs. RIF.

For me, I was determined to stick it out... granted, most of the first 13 years of our M were VERY unfulfilling for me... but I just couldn't see starting over. I guess I was just avoiding the conflict that I knew we'd one day have to deal with...

I don't know how long you can "wait" for your H... only you know that. I can tell you this, nobody here will fault you for divorcing your H. His actions are horrible and you don't deserve his treatment. I would suggest that you first divorce your H before you persue a new relationship... To do anything else, will just complicate your life and it may cause more unhappyness than you planned for...

Aislinn - You DO deserve to be happy... I just wish that your H would realize what he's about to lose, 'cause I can sense that you'd much rather share your happiness with him than with some stranger... again, once you decide that you've had enough, nobody here is going to say that you haven't given it your best shot...

Now go try on those pants! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,
RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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86 years <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> that's pretty amazing, tucktummy!! lol...I like this name a lot better, btw, even though it's not much different. It's cuter somehow :-)

RIF...I am not waiting for my husband any longer. It's foolish for me to do so at this point. It would take some miraculous epiphany on his part to start working on things and at this point, I'm not sure that I'm willing anymore. I wrote him an email the other day...I know, I know..Plan B and all that...but whatever. Told him that if he filed before June, I'd fight it (I need the benefits right now), if he waited in June that I would not fight it but would not help him do it either. But I'm rethinking that.

I know that I still need to be alone for a *little* while. It is too easy to ignore red flags right now because I'm lonely. I'm not quite at the place yet where I can DEFINITELY set good boundaries and enforce them. I'm *almost* there..but not quite yet. I think that lack of boundaries was the biggest issue in my marriage and I sure as heck don't want to make *that* mistake again!

But I'm ready to stick my toe in the water of the dating world. I want to be kissed...I want to be touched. I want someone to be excited for me that I did good in school last quarter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I kind of hope that once filed, my divorce goes quickly. I'm ready to start "practicing". I've got a whole new outlook on what I want and what I need in a relationship...I want to meet someone...and be able to say to myself, "nope, not good enough...not settling..too many red flags"...so I can prove to myself I can do it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyway..but yes..I want to share my life with someone. Being fulfilled all by yourself is good and all that...but I want to share <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


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[color:"purple"]I want someone in my life. I want someone to love and someone to love me. That is my fulfillment..that is what makes me feel complete. So what is so terrible about that?
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[color:"blue"] [/color] Hiya Ais! {{{ais}}}
Been thinking alot about you...you really do sound to be in a better place.
You said something so important that I didn't quote: it's YOUR responsibilitity for your own happiness. You said it, you understand it. I'm beginning to "get it."

I'm going to play semantics here. *You* are complete. No mini-me's here. There may be something missing in your life, something that would make your *life* complete, but *you* are. There's nothing terrible about what you want. Don't second guess yourself.
I always have to keep reminding myself that it's not necessarily my timing. But I have to keep doing the right things, keep progressing. And keep reminding myself that it *will* come; all of this work, pain, hurt, gritting of the teeth, will be worth it. (We're still waiting, and it keeps piling up, but I can only shovel one scoop at a time.)

Keep at yourself, your goals. Keep achieving your goals and make yourself happy. (Some of your goals haven't been achieved yet, right?) Don't force the subject of "sharing" this all. You're an intelligent, down-to-earth, pretty woman. Your time will come when you'll be able to share this someone else who reciprocates. There's nothing wrong in wanting this!

Don't know if I made any sense--really just wanted to give you a vote of confidence! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


[One's] ability to still love me has absolutely nothing to do with my worthiness to be loved.--FL
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I want to be kissed...I want to be touched. I want someone to be excited for me that I did good in school last quarter


Hey Aislinn - Well, I can't help you with the first two... but I sure can on the third! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

***Way to go Aislinn*** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> We're all very proud of you! Engineering isn't one of the easiest courses of study... keep at it and you'll soon be finished. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

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Hey Maddy:

Have not been too active on here lately - a lot going on with DD and work. Been thinking about many of you though - you included.

I have a strong opinion about what you're going through and want to share a few thoughts with you.

God made man & woman for a reason. To interact! We are also social beings by design - which means we are supposed to be social and sociable with each other. So my belief is that we should not-be-alone! Now, having said that - I waited until after my D to "date". In fact; I waited for months after D to date. And this was the right thing "for me" to do. I am still taking it very slowly as I want to continue "clearing the cobwebs" from D. However - I have become very social with friends (of like & opposite sex) and family. And it's working for me. Do I miss the companionship? YES. Do I "feel" a need to be with someone? At times I do and other times I don't. But I can tell you that the "need" is real and natural. So I understand your "need" and agree with you.

Do I think it's right for someone else to make me happy? NO! I cannot give that away to anyone. However - I can allow myself to be happy while being with someone else! Do you see the difference? The first makes me reliant on someone elses actions - the second makes me reliant on my actions.

I hope this helps. I have some great articles on this subject; if you would like I will send them to you. Send your email address to: jmpersonal@prodigy.net and I will forward what I have.

Take care of yourself!

FR

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. Challenges can be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. It’s just a matter of how you look at them. The purpose of life is to live it, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience
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I agree, it is not natural for us to be alone. We were meant to share our love with another.

And after being through such horrendous pain, we all still have so much love to give.

Maddy,

You have a lot to offer another, and when the time is right he will come along. In fact I think there is someone out there just waiting for you, and when you are ready you will find him.

We are happy alone for the most part, but we need someone else to complete us and share that happiness with.

I believe that is how it is meant to be. And if any of us end up spending the rest of our lives alone, we will be okay and even happy. But I can't help but think it would be a choice to be alone because there are just so many out there in the same boat, wanting to share their lives with that special someone.

Well I'm babbling, but it's good to see you posting once in awhile Maddy/aislynn girl!

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Why is it not o'kay to feel like you need to have someone in your life to make you complete...to make you happy?

What happends when you have that person .... and you don't feel "happy" ? Are they responsible for any unhappiness you feel?

Pep

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I think, at least for me, the needing someone is because for so much of my life, WH was a part of it. I'm accustomed to having some backup. Not that I could always count on him or everything was always good but when the chips were down, he'd be there.

I agree that people are not meant to be solitary. That people need companionship. We make a lot of compromises for this. We put up for WS and unsatisfying relationships. We keep really busy and have lots of friends. But ultimately, IMVHO, we want an intimate connection with someone. Someone to hold us, to tell our deepest secrets, to share our lives with. This is the gravy, the frosting.

Have you ever made a cake from "scratch"? (I know a lot of people haven't.) If you don't do a good job baking the cake, when you spread the frosting, it's going to look like crap or crumble apart. You figure out the analogy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.

Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!

5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...

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