I think I need to get WH out of the house. We are still moving forward with the D. He is talking about where he will live but we are still living together and he is still in C with OW3. I am fast becoming someone I hate. I do fine for a while then start cussing at him and saying hateful things. I am like a volcano that erupts spewing ugly garbage and it is unstoppable. I really hate myself when I am like that, it just is not me.

We have at times discussed the possibility of reconcillation IF WH gets the help he needs to stop this pattern of infidelity but I think we need to be apart. Am I just part of an abusive pattern in this M that I can't see because it is too close? He won't leave until he is ready to and I can't just change the locks and throw him out.

I need help mentally separating myself from him. Any suggestions?

hi faithful....its ka or now ka1...how does this site work...

Is that you knowalibis? We missed you. Read the front page of the forum there are some tips for navigating around this new site. Come on over to Idiotville and say hi to everyone.

Though our sits are a bit different, I'm facing the same issues. I need to 'detach from my emotions'. I'm able to post through my emotional lows whereas previously they have been known to inspire me to some phenomenally self destructive behaviours. I don't really have any advice, just and empathetic show of support.

dewt

Dewt, do you find journaling of sorts helps? I have thought about just writing those ugly, hateful thoughts down on paper. Maybe even writing WH letters that I won't give him. What do you think?

Hey FF - Mrs. RIF and I never separated... I thought about sending her home from Europe when I found out about the "first" A... but her parents wanted her to stay and 'work things out'. So she stayed and had more A's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So, it sounds like your H is going to stay for a while, and you're having angry outbursts that aren't helping... right? If so, that's pretty much what I was dealing with when Mrs. RIF confessed to the additional A's in Dec 00.

I'd decided that I was going to fight for my M no matter what it cost and that we weren't going to separate. We started MC and our MC suggested that I journal my anger...

I filled up tons of those little composition notebooks with all of the hateful feelings that I had for the OM and all of the anger and pain that I had for Mrs. RIF... Our MC also suggested that after writing down the hurt and pain that Mrs. RIF had caused, that I try and write at least 5 "good" things that I appreciated about Mrs. RIF.

I also had a good Christian friend that I would talk with... and that helped me release much of my anger.

There's nothing wrong with being angry... You should be angry at your H's actions... but you need to chanel that anger into somthing other than your H... a notebook is a pretty good place to put it...

I finally reached a point where I didn't need to journal as much... then I reached a point where I was ready to turn the rest of my hurt and anger lose. Mrs. RIF and I burned all of my notebooks and I haven't looked back since...

I'm praying for you FF... I know this isn't easy stuff.

Semper Fi,
RIF

FF, I treated it like a work project. Wrote a project and quality plan. Resource assessments. Even Did a gantt chart !

Helped me detach and injected some purpose in what I was doing.

OK, I understand the journaling part. Yes, I can do that. I really would like to use the time we have left together to let us be friendly and co-parenting instead of enemies. Bob, can you explain the plan/chart thing to me. Sounds intriguing.

I had lunch with a g/f today and she suggested that every time I have a bad thought about WH to think about something else and every time I get angry and want to yell or curse at him to go do something else. So, I am going to try these things. Still could use some ideas of emotionally separating myself from him while he lives here. I am still functioning as a wife and it is very confusing. BTW our children still do no know about the D. Any ideas how soon before WH moves out that we tell them?

faithful, I do something similar to what your g.f. suggested only I have private code words for myself (myself only).

When I want to tell Phil I love him but don't want to actually say it to him, because then he really would think I'm nuts, I say: "hi!" and then he says something like what's up? And I say, oh, I'm just saying hi.

When he makes me want to scream at him that he is a rotten, lying selfish rat-b*sta*rd and I hate him for running out on me and what he said about his family thinking I'm crazy sucks (and so on), I say "Hey Phil?" and then he says what or yeah? And I say, oh, nothing.

Sometimes I have to do this a few times in a row until we're both smiling. It's not exactly Plan A congenial but he doesn't know I'm secretly cursing him out...

"Hey Phil?" yeah? oh, nothing.

"Hey Phil?" what? nevermind, it's nothing.

"Hey Phil?" stop it. Yeah OK!

"Hey Phil?" what? Does my nose look longer to you? :-)

Sally

Thanks, Sally. You just made me smile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i would love to give advice but i cant do anything right n these matters so i am not confident of my advice to you....

U R prime for plan B. But r u really ready for the reality of it?

What are your boundaries?

L.

FF, I used be a project manager. PM gives you a bunch of tools that you can use in order to sort out what to do first,next and so on when you don't know what to do or you aren't motivated to do anything.

Its starts with laying out the objective, and all the tools and factors affecting on 'mind map' or 'readiness plan' or whatever you call it.

A large sheet of paper with lines drawn to connect related things in my case.

So now you have a big mess with so many hurdles theres no point even trying to run the race right ?

Nah. You start mapping the hurdles and resolutions onto a time line ( I used a Gantt chart cos thats what I used as a PM).

You sequence things, and keep resequencing things until all the prerequisite things are in place FIRST and there are contingencies for likely or possible failures or difficulties.

I gave myself four months or plan A with a one month contingency. That took me to the end of 2004.

I maintained project documentation just like for a customer sitch.

Sound wierd ? Yes ! but these are weird times.

It gave me a 'zoom' facility: so that if a conversation or sit was going bad I could 'zoom out' and realise that it was in the context of a much larger project. What were the ramifications of this sit going wrong ? What contingency had I set ?

It was comforting to know that not every engagement and sit with Squid was the world cup final. A sequence of prereqs to achieve the end of Squids affair, thats all. There are always problems but if managed right, it just makes the project plan stronger.

I can't explain further how I managed to detach myself from lovebusting and speaking in the disrespectful manner I was instincted to do.

Such gestures have no place in a project , so i just didn't.

I wouldn't call a stupid customer a f'king idiot to his face because it progresses NOTHING towards the project objective.

Why would I do the same to Squid ?

The project analogy was so good fr me that when I started to busk it as we progressed into recovery, life got harder.

Dunno if that helps, FF, I guess not everyone has experience of progressing projects unemotionally. Whatever works for YOU though, try to make your relationship with WH more formal and professional.

Worked for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All blessings.

Know what? Despite our previous conversation, I now think you are not ready for a divorce. You are still very emotionally married .... and not ready for a divorce. I hereby formally take back what I said to you privately ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



No, putting it more accurately, you are fast becoming someone you do not admire.... an entirely different set of circumstances.



It is you. A part of you trying to get your attention. So she screams. What do you think the message might be?


Perhaps a vacation?


so.... go on vacation. Even if you vacation under the same roof.



Separate resting spaces for sure. Sleep in one of the kid's room if necessary, but move out of the bedroom.

Build yourself an in-house sanctuary ... even if it's in a closet. A space where you put all your favorite things. A comfy chair. A lamp. Books. Music. A soft blanket. A mobile. A stuffed animal. Your personal retreat ... one you don't have to get in the car to get to. Something on the door to signal when you don't want to be disturbed.

Wear a rubber band on your wrist. When you want to *snap* .... snap that band 3 times ! Then go to the mirror and look at your own face 2 minutes ~before~ you say anything to anyone. Looking at the woman in the mirror, give her permission to be stunning. "I give you permission to behave with grace and *queenly* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> elegance. " Correct your posture. Re-apply your lip gloss. Then glide gracefully back into your family, feeling you ~are~ what you decide to be.

If you cannot do this for any reason, go back into your family and say,

"I am going to need a time-out for 20 minutes. No one is to disturb me because I need this time out."

Then go sit in your space and relax with some soothing tea, and listen to un-singable music, like classical.

If after 20 minutes of rest, you still feel like the volcano, call your pre-warned girlfriend .... and say "Come get me. I am about to explode and I need to be rescued."

Then go.

Give yourself permission to take care of your personal needs .... and the desire to take a verbal switch to the back of WH's bare nekked legs will eventually subside.

When you treat yourself better, you will feel better.

No one will die if you do this. This is guilt-free permission. Comprendo?

Pep

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bob, yes I understand and I will put a project together for myself and my personal growth. I think I need to take WH out of the pic when I do this and work on ME which is real plan A right? I do PM at times and love it so this should work for me.

Pep, See this is why I need you around <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Yes, you are right..I am still very married to him and love him dearly. I think I need to 1. acknowledge my part in this. 2. respect myself and treat myself as thus. Part of me feels I sold myself out to his behavior. Does that make sense? I will do this. My DD's old bedroom can use some cleaning up anyway and I can make that my "vacation" space. Great idea! Hmmm..queenly...maybe I need to study the Queen herself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Excellent idea and I have the perfect friend for it. Pep, thanks very much.

To add to this post I found a book in the Christian Bookstore for wives that need to heal their hearts from their husbands sexual sin. Just one chapter into the book I saw clearly my part in this mess of a M. I apologized sincerely to my WH for originally bringing deception and sin into our M. I apologized for putting up those walls to continue my lies for so long and acknowledged my part of the downfall of our M. I did tell him though that I will not take responsibility for his choice to have 3 A's. That was his choice and his responsibility just as my A was my choice. I told him I was not sure I was ready to D, but it is up to him to do what he needs to do. How was that?

I will check back in later. My kids and I took a day off from church. Did our own worship service at home, are going out to breakfast, shopping and then "going to the movies" in my DD's bedroom. Popcorn and all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FF, concentrate on YOU because YOU are the only thing you can change for sure.

But that is REALLY powerful.

Thanks, Bob. That is exactly my the beginnings of my "plan". To change ME <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi FF,

I'm just seeing your weekend posts now. How are you doing today?