That would be ~moi~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Queen Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I did great yesterday. Kids and I had a great time hanging out together. Last night we all watched a movie together. WH seems wary of me, but I am not going to say anything I am just going to continue focusing on me and my kids. I read some more of my book last night.

So Susan, are you offering to let me study your queenly manner? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi FF,

good for you!!! keep it up.

Update...

I found out Monday at MC that WH had never told OW the A was over. He finally ended it on Tuesday. It took 4 weeks after dday for him to end it. Unfortunately my behavior during this period of time has convinced him that D is what he really wants so the D is moving ahead. We went to the attorney yesterday to discuss the financil aspects of the D and custody/visitation. All very calm, fair etc. between both of us. My attorney said if more people were like us he would be out of biz. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WH and I had a very open and honest talk after the meeting with attorney. That is when he finally told me he really does want the D. He knows what he did was wrong, he knows he hurt me horribly, he knows that his lying is what caused me extreme hurt and anger but he does not want to be accountable to anyone. He does not want me looking over his shoulder anymore. I am so confused, hurt, sick etc. I don't know what is up anymore. I want to throw up because I knew my behavior was killing his love for me and I didn't stop. I guess I self destructed. Why with all the MB in my brain could I not stop what I was doing?

I think I need to go back to IC but now I can't afford it. I am barely going to be able to keep my house. I will have to cut way back on everything but will get by. I am having anxiety attacks and my depression is really bad right now. My meds are not even touching it.

Your WH is a serial womaniser, wants a divorce so he can continue without accountability or responsibility and you STILL manage to find some way of blaming yourself ! * sigh *

FF, this could be the first honest thing your WH has said in years. Its all about HIM, HIS desire for independence and no accountability.

Nothing to do with you at all.

You need to build on the groundwork you've put in - the new you, mentally and financially independent and work on healing your heart.

Bearing in mind what he has told you HOW could you be better off with him in your life ?

Back off and calm down darl'. Nothing's changed for the worse. Only clarified.

You have all teh tools you need to be strong and happy.
{{{{{{{FF}}}}}}}

Oh FF, I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.

Bob is right IMO, this the first ray of truth you have rec'd.

And there was nothing, NOTHING you could have done which would have made a dif in your WH's lack of character.

The only thing which can change him is grace, and you must let go both for your own sanity/happiness and so grace can visit him if it is fated to.

I'm sorry FF, I sure wish I had some magic to take away your pain.

{{{{{FF}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{FF}}}}}}}}}}

FF, I'm so sorry.

Some people just seem to be missing something in their hearts. As time passes, it becomes more and more clear to me - it really is about them, about this emptiness they share.

GC

This is pretty clear.

Be careful what you wish for WH ....

Well, FF, give him the respect of honoring his wishes.

Distance yourself.

If he does not want to be accountable, he does not want to be intimate.

That is the underlying value he is expressing here.

He distains true intimacy, which is accountable.

Pep

I know, bob. The self blame is so deeply imbeded in me it is hard to stop. He told me over and over yesterday it is not my fault but all I could see is the last bit of his love leaving his eyes over the past week. I know you are right. Just give me some time to process the idea of being a single parent. I want to throw up at the idea of telling my DD that we are getting a D.

Weaver and GC, thanks my friends for the hugs. I really need them right now.

Ya know what, Pep? I think this is the root of the problem of our entire M. So true, and I know he will miss the love and care he gets from me. I am so thankful for the friends I have made here. Thank you.

To be deeply loved is to be transparent to your lover.

This (apparently) is not something your WH desires. For whatever reason.

Is this something YOU desire? To be deeply loved as you stand transparent, seen "as is" warts and all?

Not everyone really wants this. It's harder than it sounds.
Pep

Yes, it is what I want. There was a time in my life that I could not have done that nor truly desired it. Now I do. As I have learned and grown this past year I found out that my real friends still love me when the see the "real" me. I have become real to them and to the people here and have experienced the awesome feeling of being accepted and loved anyway. I want that in my life. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I have been lonely the entire duration of my marriage.

Hi FF,

I don't know if I have posted to you before, but I ahve read alot of your threads. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am hurting too and I get tired sometimes of coming on here and seeing all the pain.

I don't really have any advice for you, just want to give you hugs and relate a little.



Pep is right as usual. This hit me!!, maybe true for my H. This is one of those times, it shows (for me and all) that it is good to just read here.



Me too. There is something desperately wrong with this! My H shuts me out and I really resent it and it gets me depressed now!!!!

I also understand about the "spewing" venom. Guilty here. That is one of the reasons that I had to separate. I can be nicer now!!

Many hugs to FF!!

jls

JLS, thanks for the hugs from a fellow idiot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Sorry that you are in the sitch you are in too. It is painful. {{JLS}}

Really having a hard time today. I woke up in extreme emotional pain, hard to breathe and just having trouble getting through the minutes. I cannot understand how my life got to this point. I did finally get from my WH how the 3rd A started and FINALLY got him to understand what I meant by crossing personal boundaries. This woman was a client, my H is very personable to a point of being dangerous in my opinion, and add a very lonely MW to the mix...she started calling him and he said he had a few moments of wondering "why is this person calling me?" but he never stopped to think that he was crossing the line by letting her continue to call, to being sucked into her life, her drama which eventually led to an emotional connection for her and sex for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I was able to get him to understand why that was inappropriate behavior once he told me the whole story. So , yes at this point he is right he is not trustworthy in almost any situation.

Sorry, just rambling.

FF I think your pain comes from the inevitability of a huge life change for you.

'better the devil you know than the devil you don't' is a reason a lot of spouses put up with unfulfilling or abusive relationships rather than move away from the pain and on to a new life.

We develop emotional calluses against the damage of our crap marriages so we limp along OK.

Your own boundary says thats not acceptable to you. Listen to your boundary.

Change can be good. Make sure you do it DELIBERATELY however. Don't just 'let it' happen else you may develop and retain a victim mentality.

You'll be fine FF, and I suspect you know you will too , deep down

{{{{FF}}}}

I know you are right, bob. I just am having trouble dealing with my husband looking me in the eye and telling me he really does want a D. It pains me but as we go through the process I will protect my heart and my kids.

FF -

Are you on A/D's?

If not, will please be open to using them if you need to? If they can alleviate some of the pain and anxiety for you they would be well worth it for a few months.

You sound pretty good really, but I remember how awful the "dark" times were after I asked my ex to move out.

I'm a little concerned about you girlie, and just want you to be able to get through this with as much help as possible.

FF he is not rejecting you. He is pushing away his conscience. Squishing Jiminy Cricket.

You are a constant reminder of repentant goodness, duty, love , care and use without abuse. You are teh straight edge that shows up his crookedness.

You are the recovered adulterer to his uncontrolled adulterer. You chose repentence and recovery, He chooses to lose the police.

Imagine what your example does to him.

Read any book about infidelity, this is not about you. you and the kids are collateral damage.

Shrapnel casualties not sniper targets.

depersonalise it FF you have to. Don't be letting blame not due you stick to you.

You'll be fine.