Hi, it's me again. Ugh the last couple days have been rough.

I had been trying the suggestion of working on a project together, so I went and bought stuff to redo the bathroom. He's the decorator in the family, so I went to the store and purchased the things he'd been eyeing for the bathroom and we painted and put up wallpaper border. Everything seemed to be going along well, until the project was finished, he asked my opinion on whether he should re-hang something on the wall in the bathroom. I said "I really think it looks nice now, I think anything more would make it too busy" he had a confused look on his face, so I went on "Well, the border is busy already, so I think any more would be overkill." Well apparently he doesn't want to hear my real opinion, I'm supposed to just coddle him and tell him what he wants to hear (I've tried just being non-committal about these things and saying "Whatever you think" but that makes him mad too). So he starts yelling and saying "I don't give a *F* what other people think, I like it, and if they don't like it then they can just leave" I said "Okay, if you don't want my opinion, don't ask me for it" He said "F-you, I was just playing" (He so wasn't, he likes to do this to make me feel like I'm over-reacting) then he proceeds to further berate me saying "Besides, I'm the decorator in the family, you know you suck at decorating" I said "If you don't want my opinon, don't ask me" (again) to which he flipped me off, he continued in this confrontational way (I had walked away from him) walking through the living room saying "What the *F* is your problem?!" I said "I don't have a problem"

This morning about 4:30 am I wake up to him crying out, like he's scared. I paused for a second to try to figure out what was going on, and he continued crying. So I put my hand on him and said his name, he about jumped through the roof, but didn't wake up, I shook him and asked him if he was okay, he seemed confused and said he was. When he got up this morning I asked him if he remembered that happening, at first he said no, then he said he did, that he saw something in his dream that scared him....but he wouldn't comment further. I think...okay, no big deal....I can't really claim rights to know what's in his dreams.

The morning deteriorated from there, he made some derrogatory comments to me (He baits me like this all the time) I didn't bite, I simply said "I really don't know why you have to be so mean" he laughed it off. Then I was telling him about the cat jumping into bed with us all night long and laying on my feet and then proceeding to clean herself...shaking the entire bed, to the point where I have to kick her out of bed. He said "She's mad, it's her bed" (Like I'm not supposed to be in it), I said "Alrighty then" and I walked away. He said "Where are you going?" I said "Away from you" He muttered some things under his breath that I couldn't hear, and don't care to know about.

I guess I'm just venting, every once in a while I need to get out the injustice of it all to people who understand. I think about him telling me he's not in love with me anymore (He hasn't said it recently....but it's obvious that's the case) and I think "You know what....I'm not in love with him either" I love him...but I don't really see how anyone could be *in love* with a person who is this unhappy with himself and everything else. Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe I just love being married....or *loved* being married is perhaps a better term.

I'm not ready to give up, I know that it's gonna get worse before it get's better, but sometimes I honestly feel like throwing in the towel....this is so hard.

Oh my gawd, he actually had the audacity to sit and watch that damn *Cheaters* show last night......I didn't say anything about it, but I was thinking...."Wow, could he be more insensitive?!?!"

*Sigh* Okay.....getting it off my chest feels better, and as always, I'm leaving this all in God's hands.

-Caren

Hey Caren....

I can see you are in the "wonderful" throes of recovery. Welcome!!

In His arms.

Thank you Mortarman....I think, LOL.

So this behavior seems to be pretty par for the course, eh?

It's frustrating, hopefully not insurmountable, but frustrating.

I have been doing absolutely everything I promised I'd do, the house has been spotless, dinner is cooked for him everynight, I even pick up the slack on some of the things on his *To Do* list, like take the trash out if he forgets, and bring the trash cans back after it's been picked up. I've said it before, he is really reaching for his complaints. I swear sometimes he's walking around the house *looking* for something wrong.

He acts like when I call him at work that I'm bothering him...he doesn't say that, he just acts hurried, but if I don't call him he asks why I didn't. Today he asked me to drop something off to him when I picked up DD10, so I did, he didn't even come over to my side of the car, just talked to me through DD10's side...I acted vaguely bored with what he was saying, and said I needed to get to the store. DD10 called him after we got home, I didn't ask to talk to him, and she got off the phone with him really quickly, so he called me a 1/2 hour later, he said "What are you doing?" I said "Nothing....." He said "Why not?" I said "Well I'm talking to my friend on the other line" He said "Oh, well okay, I'll let you go." I said "okay".

For some reason he seems more receptive to me if I'm more aloof.....caring but not smothering, I guess....it sure is a fine line.

-Caren

Hey... Caren,
At first I just wanted to say "Hi and I'm thinkin' about ya!"
But then I read your post again, and now I want to add one more thing...

Are you remembering that this isn't about you?

From the way you describe your H's behavior, I'll bet our gas bill to Idaho (no, I have NOT forgotten <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), that whatever he's "going through" doesn't have anything to do with you.

You know what I mean, right?

Caren,

Check out my thread about the roles of husbands and wives. I finished the men last week. Starting to post the women stuff tonight. What you just asked about being aloof, etc will be covered there. And about how a man wants to be perceived...what he needs from a marriage relationship. Basically, Dr. Harley is right in all of those ENs being met. The issue is that men and women need them met in a different way. So, check it out. It might answer soem of your questions.

In His arms.

I hate to ask this BUT. Are the safeguards in place against NC with the OW?

TQT- Yeah, I know it doesn't have much to do with me, I am just venting when I'm here, and trying to decide how I'm supposed to act until my husband starts acting like my husband again.

Mortar-

I actually have started to read that thread......very interesting, I actually just started reading it, but I have enjoyed what I've read so far. You are a wise man Mortar, I know that I can learn a lot from you.

Mimi-

Yes, there are safeguards, I turned off the cellphones, and it is pretty infrequent that he's home without me to call from home. She called here non-stop the night he broke up with her, but he wouldn't answer, I finally answered about 1 am and she hung up after hearing my voice, and hasn't called back.

So other than that, I don't know what to do. I can account for all his time. Thursday was his day off...and I had to work, I have been trying to schedule our days off together, more to spend time with him then to keep him from contact, but I don't suppose it hurts, but my work schedule got messed up, so they scheduled me the last 3 Thursdays of the month, I called him in the morning, and talked to him, then I called about 1pm, and no one was home. I wondered about it, but I didn't obsess, then I got home about 8 pm....still no one home, again.....I wondered, but refused to let my mind drift to thoughts of him with her. 10 minutes after I got home, he called, from work....they had called him in at 11am, and he was calling to let me know where he was. (I think this is a step in the right direction, since his attitude before was "I'll do what I want when I want" when I first moved back).

I hope I answered your question.

Things aren't bad all the time, I only write when I'm frustrated, things have been great the last couple of days...he's his old self....but I'm prepared for the return of fog man.

Thank you all for Caring <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Well, the kids spent the night at my Mom and Dad's, they took them to a church picnic today, so H and I got some alone time last night.

I stopped by his work yesterday, before I went grocery shopping. I parked my car right beside his, he told me that he wanted to wax his hot rod after work, so I knew he was leaving work and going to the car wash. After I was done at the store I came out (about 10 minutes after he got off work) and his car was gone, I put the groceries in the car and got in and he had bought me some really pretty bamboo, it was sitting on the front seat of my car. It was all corkscrewed, it was really neat. The kind you just leave in a vase of water. I made sure that I complimented him on his choice, and told him how much I liked them, he also took me for a ride in the hot rod after he was done waxing it, and we watched a movie, I made hot subs and we had some, ummm interesting SF...LMAO, lately he is pretty interested in *spicing* things up in that department....LOL works for me.

The night before last he bought some portabella mushrooms and had them marinating in italian dressing, when he came home from work he was making them, I have never done this with portabella mushrooms, so I asked him where he got the idea to do that, he said "Oh from cooking on my own" I laughed and said "There is no way you just thought this up on your own" (He doesn't cook, his idea of food when we were broken up was cutting up hot dogs in a can of baked beans). He started laughing, and said "Uh huh...I made it up." He knew that I knew WHERE he got this recipe, and I was initially uncomfortable with the deal, my mind has a tendency to automatically think "Oh I'm sure the OW would be so smug, thinking 'Yep, I taught him that'" But then I thought....wait, he's sharing something with ME, it makes no difference where he got the idea.....he's making them for ME, I ate them, they were very good, and I complimented the heck out of him, telling him what a good cook he was...I was proud of myself.

So, as you can see.....some days are getting better. I try not to analyze everything...but I usually do anyway, I guess as long as I think it all the way through before I open my mouth.

-Caren