Here's the edit: I request that every MB-er out there spend the next couple hours silently but fervently urging me with Plan A. You're right, I can do this but if I have your thoughts with me it will be...better. I'm tying a blue string to my wrist to help me remember.

WH is coming to take the pictures at BS's GF's house. Tonight, while prom is in process, DD and I had planned to have a little dinner and go to a movie. There are no decent PG movies out there, so it's probably a light PG13. I've asked WH to come with us. He's giving me the "we'll see". Everybody over age 2 knows that that means "no". He probably has plans. Well, I guess I have plans, too.

I will be a lighthouse. I will Plan A. Cross your fingers for me. Pray for me. I will find strength knowing that you all are behind me. I'll try. I'll keep my big mouth shut. Why does every contact with this man throw me into a tizzy?






It's prom night. There's all the hoopla that goes with it. DS would like his Dad to pictures. That's one of the thinks he does, take pictures. It's a way of detaching himself from the situation.

WH wants to come to DS's girlfriend's house to take the pictures. DS would like the pictures even though everybody else there is perfectly capable of taking pictures.

Think WH ought to come?

Bear in mind that this is the first time he's called or made any attempt to see his children since DS's jazz band concert on MONDAY! Hasn't attended softball games or soccer games. No questions about how the kids are going or what school is about. He just wants to be there for the big things. I feel this is a family activity and is he really part of this family? No. I find this style of cafeteria parenting unacceptable.

Quick! What do you all think? I need to work through my emotions on this.

GG,

U R asking questions about how a father s/b there for his child. Not about R or M stuff.

If this is what you child wants and it is a reasonable request, then both parents should do what is best for the child.

Put this in your WS' hands and let him give his decision to his child. This will pull you out of the emotional issue and let him handle this with your son.

The Prom is a big event for your son and it s/b. If a WS marrs it in anyway, make sure it is not because you tried to stop or hinder the WS from being a parent.

You are stressing but need to put it into your H's hands and let him act like a father. Can you do this?

L.

gg,

This is DS's night. Let it be the best for him. If he wants his dad there to take pictures, let him come.

Now is not the time to be making a stand.

After graduation in June, you get to make your stand.

Have more to say, but trying to be quick.

I know, I know. I'm just be emotional. The man cuts me to the quick.

I asked DS why he wants him there. He says for the pictures and because it's his Dad's obligation to be there. Interestingly enough, DS is the only one of our 3 kids who is even scarely in communication with their dad.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A

Grapegirl - You have gotten excellent advice. This is your son's night - let Dad take pictures.

Stay in Plan A. You can do this.

Hi grapegirl,

I agree with the others.

It sounds like a reasonable request from your son to his father. I believe that it should be decided between your son and his father.

I know that at times it can be very difficult to differentiate between our feelings and what is in our kids' best interest. I can tell you that I don't regret the times that I erred on the side of caution when it was questionable whether I had my feelings/wants in mind or those of my kids. I would definitely regret erring in a way that I was actually using my kids as pawns even if it was unintentional.

It gets easier grapegirl.

Take care

I will definitely be one of your silent fervent supporters grapegirl. You CAN do this! You CAN!!

"I'll try. I'll keep my big mouth shut."

Re-applying lipstick or chapstick helped me. If I started to open my mouth, or if I felt like I was getting close, I re-applied my lipstick or applied chapstick if I wasn't wearing lipstick.

I still carry chapstick in my pocket, but I don't go through it nearly as quickly as I used to : .

Take care grapegirl --- You CAN do this!!!!

Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly, Grace Kelly. I can't think of any good modern examples.

Keep that sense of humor. It's critical!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Okay, it's over with.

He drove up to DS's GF's house just as we were starting to go inside. DS's words were "It's about time you got here." Her mom, sister and the two of us took a bunch of pictures (WH more than a bunch) and wished the couple a fun and safe evening.

WH had purchased a new virus protection thing and came to our house to install it. DD was at her soccer game. It was very quiet at our house. He installed the software and didn't say much. I didn't volunteer anything. If I felt like saying more, I'd tug at the yarn I tied around my wrist. It was kind of like those times when you have a repairperson at the house. You want to be near and you watch what they do. When DD got home from soccer, it was even quieter. The first question WH asked DD was "Did you hit a homerun?" DD refused to talk to him.

Since DD and I are on our own tonight, I asked WH if he'd like to go to a movie or do something with us. Several times. Made it clear that we were open to most anything. He took a cursory glance at the movie listing and said he didn't like any of them. He didn't make any suggestions but said he didn't have any plans. DD still refused to talk to him.

Finally, the program was downloaded and everything checked out. He made a move to leave. I asked if he wanted to come with us and he said no, he was going back. To his apartment, who knows?

My only semi-LB was to say in an open,unaccusing voice, "Nobody really believes you don't have plans."

He said,quite defensively, "Believe what you want to believe."

I said, "Well, after you start lying to people, they have a hard time knowing when you are telling the truth. It just the way it is. Perhaps if you did some things with us, DD would talk to you."

I kissed him and said "goodbye"

So, no scenes, no tears, no big LB. I am not a train wreck. Grace Kelly lives. I am keeping the yarn around my wrist. If WH doesn't like his daughter not talking to him, it is not my problem. And my computer is reprotected from viruses.

On the other hand, while he was there, a goldfinch smacked into the front window and fell near the basement window. WH climbed down into the window well to see if it was okay. He cupped it in his hands and said it was still breathing. My suggestion was to leave it there because it was probably stunned. After WH left, the bird flew away. How does one reconcile such a gentle action with a person who treats his family like [email]cr@p?[/email]

Thanks to everybody for their moral support. Whatever it ws, it worked. Off to the movie.