Hello Everyone,
It's me, DanigirlinVA. I am at my cousins college for the night and I can't remember my password and can't check my e-mail from here, so I had to make a new account for tonight.

I wrote this earlier tonight.....
Well it is Saturday at about 7:45 pm. My cousin and I are driving to Vermont from Virginia and then tomorrow I will go to Maine. It is her turn to drive and I am like going crazy inside my head so I thought I would write and save it so I can post when I get back.
I have been in Virginia since Wednesday night. I went to court against OW on Thursday. She called Wednesday and requested a continuance on the case because she lives in Maine. Since I flew to VA for the case and I had the proof of the continued contact, the request was denied. She was fined $2500 and the bill will be sent to her house in Maine.
When she got the summons in the mail on Tuesday she called WH and told him that if I go to court and got her ‘in trouble’ she would press charges against him for the assault. Thing is, she uses threats for everything. He of course asked me not to go to court, and I told him that I had to do what was best for the kids and I, and he didn’t question it again. He did ask how court went Thursday night and I told him that I didn’t wish to discuss it.

A lot has happened since I posted on the board. I am sure I will get some 2x4s….. At this point I feel like jumping out of my skin, so say whatever you wish. I really don’t know what to do, but I am just doing the best I know.

Wednesday I called my MILs house and WH was there. He answered the phone. He was defensive at first because he thought I wanted to ream him out…. Once he realized that I wasn’t going to yell at him, he calmed down.

After we talked a bit, I made the choice to go to his parents house and see him. I brought him his suit for job interviews. He is really focused on getting a job right now, which is a good thing. He doesn’t have a resume and he asked me ideas about that. I told him to check out the FFSC (which helps military personal). He made an appointment for Monday at 9am and then asked if I would go with him. I am so confused right now, about what to do, how to act, etc. Before I went to his parents house on Wednesday he made it clear to me that he no longer wanted to communicate with the OW. He is intimated by her right now though, because he has his trial on June 30th and as of now she has told the case manager the truth (different from her first statement made to the police) and WH is worried that if he ‘pisses her off’ she will testify against him. She uses it to loom over his head. I brought lunch to his parents house and we sat together and talked. He acted distant, but nice and caring. He is pretty beat up. He has cuts from the tip of a knife on his head, neck, and arm. His arm has a big gash from a fishing hook type thing that the OWs 13 yo son got him with. His shin is all kicked up, and he has a bloody lip. I felt bad, but he knew she was like that and continued to accept it and choose to live like that. He said that I am the only one who still believed in him, and he appreciated that. He hugged me and held my hand for a minute while we talked. I tried to joke around but he is very serious right now. I moved fast and he jumped, like I was going to hurt him. I looked at him weird and he said ‘sorry, I am just used to getting things thrown at me’. I told him that I have never and would never hurt him. He made a statement that he didn’t realize people could be ‘like her’. He admitted that she is an alcoholic. He said that he always hoped she could go to counseling and change, etc. He said ‘she can drink 30 beers in one night’
I had to cut the visit kinda short because I had to catch a 7 pm flight to VA. When I got home he called to check and make sure I got there OK. I couldn’t find the keys to my car in Virginia and he helped me think of places that it might be and when he sensed that I was getting stressed out he calmed me down.
Since then we have talked on the phone a few times. He said that we have changed so much in the past 8 months that before we can decide if we can work out our marriage we need to learn who we are now and become friends again. I made it clear that we couldn’t have any communication or relationship if he was still in contact with OW. HE said ‘I know’. He said that he realized I wanted more then a friendship right now but he isn’t ready for that. That is hard for me. He is a nervous wreck about court, not having a job, etc. I feel so clingy and needy…and I know he isn’t attracted to that. I feel like I need to be with him every minute. Partly to make sure he isn’t in contact with OW and partly because I miss being with my husband. If I say I love you, he says ‘I know you do’…so I stopped saying it.

I told him that I didn’t do plan B because I didn’t love him, I did it because it was too painful to communicate with him. He said ‘I know, I acted like I didn’t care, but I kept all of the letters’. He said that he used to think that the books I read (SAA and such) were BS, but now he knows they are true… I am thinking about giving him a copy of SAA.
He said he knows he can’t communicate with OW, and that the facts are there.
He said he never lost love for me and still does love me, he just lost interest. He said ‘I hate to say this and I hope that you don’t take it the wrong way, but I didn’t think we could work out or relationship and I couldn’t be alone so I found OW and left’…

He asked me what I planned to do about our sons last night (our son has my WHs step fathers last night because my WH went by that when we were first together). Anyhow, I said that I planned to change it as part of the divorce proceedings. WH paused and said ‘if that is what you want I can’t stop you’ AHHHHH! For months you have been begging me for a divorce!!!!
He says things like that, but then he doesn’t want to work on our marriage either….

I talked to a mutual friend tonight who said ‘I told him to kick her to the curb a long time ago’ and ‘the question is, do you want your marriage’. My answer ‘yes’
The friend suggested WH, him and I all getting together tomorrow afternoon and hanging out and talking. I don’t want to push my WH, but I don’t want to be led on…

The dilemma….
I don’t have any way to know if he is calling OW or not. I don’t trust him and he understand that. I also don’t want to keep asking ‘so did you call her today’ etc…
I know until he gets in with his public defender and probably until court is over he will have some contact with her because he is freaked out about going back to jail…
I am still keeping my guard up. I haven’t told him our address or too many details. I am still staying on track to protect myself and the kids...both legally and financially.

I thought about suggesting to him that the kids and I could stay at his parents house for a few days this week to spend time together. It is over 2 hours between my house and their house. He made the comment that he feels like he wouldn’t recognize our daughter if he saw here in public. I don’t want to be too pushy but I don’t want him playing me either…..
He doesn’t have a cell phone and can’t get one due to his credit. I could add him one to my plan, but why enable him a way to call the OW…..nope.
I am taking such a risk and I don’t want to get hurt yet again, but if he is serious it is sooo worth it. Ideas? Suggestions?
I have not talked to him all day today. I did call his house a few times but he was out with his younger (15 yo) brother, which is a good thing.

I feel like calling him every 5 seconds, but I can’t…
Danielle

I wont throw any 2x4's at you so you dont have to duck.....yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I am glad for you that your wh is FINALLY showing some kindness to you. But I also have some reservations about him saying he just doesnt want to piss ow off because of court, yada yada and so on, to me that just smacks of excuse-making as to why he cannot go NC. If he is as beat up as you say, she should have no case. And didnt she already tell the truth? How many times can she change her story? Does she have marks too? Thats the only thing that would worry me. Dani, I really want this to work out for you, not trying to bring you down, I just have been there before, and my H's excuse for not wanting to go NC before we moved back in together was that he put his truck in her name so he couldnt afford to "piss her off".... You see where this is heading right? He just wasnt ready at that time to go NC. Be wary of him right now, watch his actions. I like the fact that you were trying to crack jokes & such. As for you breaking your plan B, I have nothing to say, I couldnt even bring myself to do it even tho I know now it probably would have saved me a lot of suffering. I'm pulling for you & your family Dani, good luck tomorrow.

Dani,

Though the fog seems t/b clearing a bit, still.... be cautious. Think about keeping your distance and don't let your emotions take over and ruin any recovery chances.

Right now he needs to deal with his consquences. Let him.

You go and take care of you and your children. He can't help you right now. He needs to face his issues on his own. You keep your court date regardless of what the OW threatens. Even if he lands in jail cuz of her, let that happen. That is probably the worst that could happen unless one of them gets more stupid.

Stay out of that drama. Keep interactions to a minimum and via a 3rd party as much as possible. Speak to him in a nice but firm way. Do not allow any manipulation.

No phone privileges yet. He has not proven worthy.

Proud you are holding up under all this duress.

take care,
L.

Danigirl,

Have to agree with Orchid. WS has not earned any priviledges yet.

He is bouncing from ow to you.

You need to do the 180. Nice plan A that you brought suit, etc. However, he is still in alien land. I might bet that he would go straight back to ow if she said all is good.

Right now ow is threatening to take ws to court on abuse if you don't drop charges. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries and doing what is healthiest for you and your children. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I keep up with your posts. My one thought has been to ask you if your MIL might be open to the fact that your WS is possibly bipolar. If she is she might be able to get him to get an evaluation, because it sounds like he has been manic and ow fits right in with that. You don't fit in with his manic episodes.

Okay, that being said, please please be very careful. Ow is dangerous to you and family. I know you love your WS, but do not call him. Let him call you, then do be nice, but don't commit yet. There needs to be boundaries. Just plant seeds for now.

Am praying for you. Be wise as a snake and innocent as a dove. Keep your cards close to your chest, and be wise.

Yours WS is still in the fog, and using you for his en's to be met right now.

Realise that you are in a very serious and scary situation right now, that you need to protect your life, as ow is a stalker and WS is not thinking straight right now, he is not protecting ANYONE but himself right now.

My vote is not to stay at MIL's. Your WS has some thinking to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Stay away from the LB's when you are with him, but keep your distance right now. Ow is LBing plenty. You be nice, but distant.

Don't be so needy or clingy with WS right now, just get on with your life like he wasn't there, because he ISN'T THERE YET. Heis still really hurting you by saying he doesn't want to commit to you again. So you have to make your plans without him right now. And this is protecting you and your kids from this drama. It is not yours, it is theirs. And you can't make WS do the right thing.

God Bless you Danigirl, step back from the drama. Think about what is healthiest for you, children, and for your life.

MVHO.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I agree with Orchid. Tell him he needs to be away from OW and at a distance to you. You can still meet his EN a little, but while in withdrawal, SAA says staying apart isn't always a bad idea since you really can't meet those needs. Your WH has a list of things he needs to do to prove himself. It starts with NC. It sounds like a promising start. Set the hook and reel him in, but don't get anxious.

Danigirl....

wow...way to go on some on your actions...

padded two by four...for your own fog about wanting a strong emotional connection with a man soo very twisted and damaged right now....
be wary of getting what you wish for...cause lordy...he's a mess right now...and if he were to come back in to your life full force not only his own chaos would come...but dang you and your children would be at great risk for more court dates.....

the way your husband has to get through this is that he MUST figure out how to undo the damage...
and for his re-emergence in to a man able to have some autonomy he MUST do this himself...

if you save him
if you bail him out
he will not feel nor be the man....

he;s got a lot of things to fix...

He doesn’t have a resume and he asked me ideas about that. I told him to check out the FFSC (which helps military personal). He made an appointment for Monday at 9am and then asked if I would go with him.

perfect idea...perfect plan...I love that you did not jump in and say I'll do it...I'll write your resume....
you may want to reconsider going with him...let him go by himself and see how it goes...be soo nice and supportive about not going...

hey dear..I can't make it Monday with ya...but I know you'll do fine...remember to add this and that to your resume cause you were really good/interested/competant at that...
call me later...

let his do this alone...
without you holding his hand...

His arm has a big gash from a fishing hook type thing that the OWs 13 yo son got him with

This is the sign you need to mark how unwell this whole situation is and how much you need to protect yourself and your children from him and them...

horrific is it that a thirteen year old child was caught up in some sort of out of hand chaotic situation that came to this....

horrific is it that this was with his own mother and strange man that is supposed to "like" his mom....


this is what and who you must protect yourself from....

you need to lead with quiet grace..
you need strong boundaries

you need to ask him what is thought about that chaos...
what is his thought about his partipication in that
and you need to figure out ways that encourage and demonstrate full accountibility....

with out emotional musings of love

I find it hard to be emotionally mushy with a man that interacts with violence with a thirteen year old...use these types of visions to empower you...
not that he can't change...
he can
you can
I can
we all can...
so there is more hope to go around....

back off
be supportive
be supportive in redirecting him towards honorable thoughts and acts...
be available to direct to towards help BUT DO NOT DO OR HELP
he must accomplish this alone...

your husband has lots of things to heal that are more important than his current battle scars...

you may pray for him
you may gently prod him
you may steer him..
but you can not do...

I am proud of you for sticking to your own guns
I am worried for you and your childrens safety from the OP chaos....
go dark on all chaos
be safe
be well

Dani do not lose ground on how much you have grown and how much strength you have gained even in your mastery of the legal system.....
do not forget your financial chaos
and your own perserverence...i
do not drive yourself crazy about contact with a crazy OW...she is toxic and dangerous and chance are he will and must be in contact with her to escape a bullet to the chest...

he's gotta figure this out
and it most likely aint' gonna get prettier as she escalates her chaos...

ARK^^

Make sure you document carefully these threats by OW. When H is facing the court, the fact that she offered to drop charges against him if you dropped charges against her is very serious and your H should definitely bring that up.

I know things are chaos right now and maybe you feel like you have little to be happy about... but it seems to me that things are progressing down the right path. So, be strong. Stay the course. You are doing well.

dewt

dewt

Dani,

I have no advice, the people who have already posted to you are brilliant! Just wanted to chime in with my support.

Dobie

Is your husband an alcoholic too?

Do you know if he drank with her?

If you think he ~might be~ an alcoholic, go online and find a place where you can order "The Big Book" .... and buy a copy.

Send it to him. But do not bring it up after you send it to him.

Pep

dani, it's me peachy.

the ow is outta control. please make sure the authorities are well aware...

if it were me, i'd make wh know that b/c of the serious events and threats and potential violence against you and the children, until the threat is gone (big time), you cannot be involved in this situation at all.

he is cake eating and fence sitting all the while with the cuts and bruises girl. if your wh were about reconciliation right now, he'd not spout fog talk out back at you like "i am ready to not have contact w/ow, but not ready to work on our marriage." I heard the same things ok? many of us here did. right now karma is smacking him and ow right in the face. he has no job. he has a violent and intoxicated ow on his rear...and both have one thing in common...they are pressuring you to get them off on their bad actions. yea, even your wh as of a few days ago tried to get you to drop charges against ow. who's side does that place him on? she most likely went bezerk after he told her he couldn't convince you to do that.

i am gently giving you the 2x4 because of the dangers here. if your wh is or was at all concerned b/c ow is a s alcoholic capable of violence and committing violent acts in front of her child, then he'd move heaven and earth to keep you away from that and the kids away from that.

right now, ow wants him out. she's madder than hades at him and so he runs to his family. they are probably wanting this nightmare to end in all honestly. and they think if poof!we can get danielle to just talk some sense in him, all will be right with the world. it doesn't work like that honey. you're still addicted emotionally to an unwell, unsafe man and a horrible situation.

when you see it for what it really is, you'll shudder and run away. I oughta know. i went to dinner a month or so ago w/a guy and at dinner it hit me...he had same characteristics as my xh. and i also found out he divorced his wife under some strange circumstances...can we say I flew outta the restaurant at warp speed? it made hair on back of my neck stand up.

as a good mom, you gotta keep your kids safe. as a wife, your wh is not anywhere near close to true repentance right now...

his words are out of personal desperation. it was decent to bring the suit. but I'd cut contact from that point on and talk to his parents and carefully say that until the situaion is safe from all sides (wh gets psych/counseling and makes sincere decision over time to work on marriage and agrees to permanent nc with ow and takes RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS HORRIBLE HORRIBLE ACTIONS)(ow is brought up on charges and is no longer a stalking threat to you and your babies) then there would be no talking with wh and the divorce is still on.

I am sorry. It is not right. Your wh is not acting out of anything but SELF SERVING PRESERVATION.

please do not get sucked in.

if he is all about repentance and change, his actions will match his words and it will come about in time...change does not happen overnight ok?

if you allow this man and this danger into your lives now, you are not being a good mom or a good wife. you're being a passive bs. read bob pure's post on this topic...you're falling into this pit and I don't want to see you do it.

I am not for divorce. but I am not at all in favor of tossing good judgement aside so somebody can get a "fix" and jump at the whim of their ws either...yea , I know it was what you wanted to hear. but was it really? no it was not. You see a glimmer of hope and you want to mistake it for the real thing. he can't rebuild this in a day. he may in time, or he may not. he has shown his character.

if this were your best friend, and she had very small children and was in this dangerous situation what would you have her do?

I think ow is going to really go off the deep end after the court thing this week...and you did do the right thing.

but here's what is sad to me. your wh was with her during this. he was supporting her emotionally through this. and yes, it was criminally wrong to do that. only after he could not get YOU to change your mind thru manipulation did he suddenly "see her for who she is"...does this sound like ws talk? sure. ws will lie to their lovers and on a dime turn around and lie to their spouses too. it is all about them. it's still not about you and the kids.

i would proceed ahead imho...in many states (know this b/c my xh broke into my home and also was abusive at the end)a spouse will not be jailed if even separated, they gain addmittance into the home of the other separated spouse. it's not safe. my then wsh, was not jailed for breaking and entering, but for criminal trespassing because of this issue. plus you need child custody right now dead solid and the whole "who gets visitation" placed in a lockbox b/c of the danger of the sitch...and you're way in the clear for full custody due to the danger, alcohol, past violent acts, adultery and abandonment. if your wh wants back in your life, it must be on YOUR terms and ones that are safe and in best interest of the kids now. Your kids come before your heart does ok? I say make this life safe now. Make it crystal clear that you're going thru with it. that he has choice to change or not. and that even if it's final, he can continue working on himself, read mb principles, learn here, and can when he is right with himself and his soul, come back if he is sincere and it is proven. Until that time, he has earned nothing from you but being seen as the biological father of your kids.

in fact, i'd place your wh right up there with my xh in the mb all time horrible ws's. Yea, he's right up there w/the sith lord.

Danigirl:

I am gonna come out and just say these things because frankly I don't have the skills to sugarcoat them any other way (did you really expect any different from me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) . I think you should really look into some serious and intense IC for yourself and children. Have you ever talked to someone about co-dependence? You are a walking definition of it.

I reread some of your other posts, and it is my belief that there is no doubt whatsoever that you actually thrive on the co-dependance of your WH. You may not realize it, but you are more stable when you have the drama from him going on, then when you don't and there is NC. YOu need to feel "like he needs you". You actually thrive on fixing his messes.

Some here may cheer you on to "save your marriage" with your WH, but I feel you are just about to "fall again" and go back to the extremely dysfunctional life you have with him. I am not really 2 x 4'ing you because frankly girl, if you go back to your WH like you are indirectly looking for support to do here now, then you 100% deserve everything that you get. He has done the unthinkable to you and your children MULTIPLE TIMES, and yet your extremely low self esteem and extreme co-dependance on him has you essentially on cloud nine because he is treating you with a modicum of decency now. He says he is over the OW now..well we will see about that. The extreme dysfunctionality of that relationship would argue against it.

He is cake eating, and yet you are here basically letting him eat from the table. You may call it love, or whatevr, but it is truly a dysfunctional dependance you have for him.

Once again, at the risk of getting alot of $hit here for being "unsupportive", I feel it is worth it, if you at least read my post. If you don't agree with what I am saying, please just ignore it.

You wanna call it fog, or alien behavior or whatever, but your WH is who he is, and you better realize this when you subject yourself and your children to him yet again. I sincerely hope the price you and your children are paying are worth this man. It is your life and you are 100% responsibile for what happens to you. YOu are spending all of this time worrying about a court order againt the OW....forget her. COncentrate on you.

Call me uncompassionate or whatever, but at this point, I could bet with near certainty what will happen. But, in the end, that doesn't matter. You are an adult, and will be held accountable for your own actions here. Goodluck. I mean that with sincerity. I feel bad writing to you in this post. I know that this isn't what you really want to hear. That is ok, I understand. In my honest opinion, I would be doing you a disservice if I wrote the things I think you deep down want to hear. Now that would be uncompassionate.

With best intentions,

LM

DING DING DING.............I nominate this post for post of the day.

LM

Hi, Dani girl.

You have been given excellent advice. Please listen to these folks.

In some games, when the ball is in play and it rebounds from the wall, you catch it.

In this game, DO NOT CATCH THE BALL on the rebound. Let it bounce until it is completely still and and has expended *all* of its energy. Only then, should you approach it.

All the best,
Gimble

Dani

JP suggested I take a look here. You may know the OM in my situation was a European karate champion with a short fuse.

My sit was very different however because he was not violent towards Squid ( my FWW) and being a large man i could prepare to respomd to his threats in a different way than you can.

OK. I can only advise from my own experience.

In some situations, marriagebuilding comes second to self preservation and good parenting.

I read you have an unstable and malfunctioning WH who if I read the sit correctly is about to crash as the consequences of his actions become undeniable to him even in fog. and you have an alcoholic, violent, needy and unstable OW, who is probably not predisposed in your favour owing to the court case.

OK.

The best advise in this thread so far is from yourself IMO:

I told him that I had to do what was best for the kids and I

DG you have to step back from this chaos. I am no MB wise 'lifer' but I have seen tens of mutually needy, dysfunctional and violent affairs explode when critical mass of reality is reached. Collateral damage can be high.

I honestly see absolutely no medium or long term future in your WHs affair - it will either explode like 'Sid and Nancy' or just crumble from lack of healthy interaction and you won;t need to do anything to cause it.

You need to protect several things while this falls apart:

1. Your kids and your own physical safety. Document any threats against you and any evidence of violence between OW and anyone else with dates. And the first SNIFF of a threat to you or yours, call the police.
2. You own emotional well being. Stay the heck out of trying to discuss anything with this entirely malfunctioning alien being WH and his crazy OW. IME ative WS are incapable of logical rationaliation or moral absolutism.
Other cleverer people than me may advise differently, but I would "plan B" immediately. Remove yourself from the chaos while it burns out.
3. Protect your own self respect.

You will live in your skin for teh rest of your life. You deserve to be treated with respect. Enforce boundaries that protect your self respect. These will NOT push WH away from you. It NEVER EVER does this. It just feels like its going to.

I had a boundary of removing myself from any situation where I was being treated disrespectfully after giving notice.

" Your calling OM is knowingly disrespectful and hurtful to me in a way I do not feel I deserve an dis damaging to my ambition of rebuilding our marriage. I will not stay here while you call OM. I am taking the kids bowling".

Protectng your self respect also makes you appear very attractive to your WH.

DG, your kids and you come first. You have no marriage if you live in fear of OW.

All blessings

For an update…
Yesterday on my way home from VT I stopped and had lunch with WH. We talked and it was overall a good meeting. I made it clear that I need his honestly. He said I had it…so we will see. He called me this morning, but said he would call later and hasn’t. I had planned to bring the kids to my in-laws to see them and him tomorrow or Thursday but I am not going to push it. If he doesn’t call and ask me to again, I may not. I don’t know…. I am not calling him tonight. I really want the best...and want our marriege to thrive...

For the replies…
Shelly,
As much as I would completely love to believe the only reason he “was” (so he says) talking to the OW is to keep her on his ‘good side’ for court, I don’t believe it and I don’t have any reason to believe it. I have told my WH that he needs to get his public defender lawyer and get the case in order so he doesn’t have to worry about ’keeping her happy’. According to him, he hasn’t talked to her since he told me he would stop. The officer did take one photo of the OW, and she had a red mark on her face from his hand. He was beaten up quite badly. She ’supposedly’ made a true statement of the story on tape to the case manager. I don‘t believe anything until I see it though. I really want this to work out too….in the worst way. You are right, he isn’t ready to ‘let go’ of the OW, or commit to NC long term. I need to accept that for what it is right now and try to make myself attractive to him. I have been to ‘needy’ and ‘pushy’ and he has even commented on it. I know what I need to do, sort of, but I just need to do it. (I know it sounds stupid).


Orchid,
How do I not let my emotions take over? I feel like there is a flood gate and the waters have become too high for the gate to stop the rush. He confuses me so much I want to scream sometimes.
Some WH statements lately…

‘I know this may sound stupid, but I was thinking the other night, maybe we should get divorced and get remarried, and have a really nice wedding this time and start over’

‘OW knows that unless she gets counseling for both her and the kids, I won’t go back’ (WHO CARES WHAT SHE DOES!!, oh yea….WH cares) ‘OW has been abused, and needs counseling to be a better person. I feel like it is my mission to put a leash on her and change her. ’

‘I love you, just not like I used to’

‘I want to show you this really nice house plan I was looking at. I was thinking we could build it ….and goes on talking about this house we will live in….’

‘All I want right now is for you to be my friend, Danielle. Help me build a relationship with the kids. Just be there for me and listen. I will do the same for you. I am not ready for anything else right now. I don’t want to hurt you again, so I don’t want to take it too far. Maybe I just want to be alone.’

‘Your really beautiful’

‘OW has a nice [censored] though, I can’t deny that’ (HUH, did you JUST SAY THAT TO ME???’

‘I never really got on my knee and proposed to you. I want to do that one day’

We were sitting in my car, and he got out to smoke. I moved into the drivers seat and turned the car on to get a CD out. We were parked at a restaurant. He looked at me and started to walk down the road. I got out of the car and yelled ‘Where the heck are you going’ He thought I was getting in the drivers seat to leave him there. We were not even arguing. He said he is used to being left places….
I got a bit upset with him and told him that *I* have never hurt him, or left him places, or hit him, so please associate the person with the action. He apologized.

It is hard, for me, to let him be depressed and not try to help him. I know he is depressed, he sleeps until like 1pm and wakes up ‘tired’. There isn’t really anything I can do for him though…


Miss M,
OW is BEGGING for his return. She is so unstable…he sees it one minute and makes excuses for it the next.
I did not drop any charges against OW, and will never. In fact, I have advised WH to take out charges for submitting a false statement to authorities on her. I am making that a clear boundary.

My MIL doesn’t want to accept that my WH has a mental health issue. His biological father is Bi-Polar and his Mothers - Father was Bi-Polar with psychosis. My WHs Grandmother on his biological Fathers side has already made the statement that she believes WH is showing signs of Bi-Polar disorder. WH has been diagnosed with ADHD and dysthymic disorder as a child. That all being said…..if he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder it would not change the way I feel about him or my family, in fact if he was able to seek treatment it would make me more willing to work on our family.

OW is dangerous, and WH admitted that he understood that yesterday to me. He said that he never realized how dangerous she was, and he would never allow her around his kids. How long he feels that way is debatable.

I have gotten to close to him and the drama over the past week…and that is my mistake.


Sleepless,
I may give him a copy of SAA….he seems to have a lot of time on his hands right now.


Ark,

“padded two by four...for your own fog about wanting a strong emotional connection with a man soo very twisted and damaged right now.…” 2x4 taken, maybe it shouldn’t have been padded….
I did not go to the meeting that WH had for this morning for his resume. In fact, neither did he. He called me at 8:45 and said he had fallen back asleep and was sorry. He asked for the number and called to reschedule for tomorrow at 3pm. He is very depressed.

He understands that the OW and her children are unwell and dangerous. He makes excuses for it though.

I still have the RO against OW, and I know when she gets the court papers with her 2500.00 fine for breaking it, she will go off the deep end… I will probably hear it from WH as well… He knew I had to do it…

Dewt,

Thank you for the kind words. I have advised WH to bring up the issue of the Ows threats about changing her story…and he seemed to listen. We will see how it all plays out.

Dobie, thank you for the support.


Pepperband,

Let me put this the best way I know how. WH did not drink until he left me. Since then, he drinks too much. When they drink, they get violent. He is on a no alcohol order for bail. I ordered him the book today. He can take it or leave it. Thank you for the advice


Justpeachy,

The police and sheriff in both WH/Ows area and my area of aware of the Ows threat, and aware of my RO against her. I will not back down on that…. It seems to be my one strong boundary right now. She is not allowed around the children or I. In fact, the children haven’t seen WH yet either. I am scared to let them get close, to someone so unstable. He wants to see the kids and I haven’t said no…I just haven’t brought them to him yet. He has no idea where I live, and I like it that way….for now. He asked if he could move in…I said no. He is all about self preservation, you are 100% right on that one. He is all about him…he is King…


Lemonman,
Me? A bit codependent? (sorry to sound sarcastic)…
Yes, I do feel better when I am ‘helping him’, and ‘taking care of him’. I get a rush out of him saying ‘I love you’ and almost block out the other harsh things just to hear it again. Sad….I know it is…
I actually had my first IC session last week, since we ended our MC in November.
In all honestly, beyond the instant gratification that I get, I do want my marriage to succeed and thrive. I know it can. Sometimes I stop and think ‘can he really be everything I need him to be, is he even capable of it?’ But….I know he is. He was, and can be again….maybe. (Wow…I sound really sure of myself don’t I?)


Gimble,
Great analogy, I like it….


Bob Pure,

Thank you for your post, I admire you greatly.

It has become clear to everyone (hopefully even WH) that their affair will not succeed. They have nothing to build on, besides hurt and violence, oh yea, and sex.
They are both really smooth talkers and manipulate each other though. Sick, and sad.

I have not filed for a divorce, but I have done everything I can to protect myself and my kids from the OW…she is dangerous, and WH is dangerous when he is around her. He does whatever she says to do, no matter who it hurts.

Danielle

Well for a 'you could have seen it coming' update. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yesterday WH called me and asked if I would look up something on salary.com for him and call him back with my results. I tried to call him back around 2pm and no one answered. Okay...no problem.

I didn't hear from him all night.

He rescheduled his appointment on base for the resume at 3pm today. I had his Smart transcript that he needs and he asked me to print it out for him. We had never set up a time for him to get it though. My DS 4 had a dentist appointment literally next door to my MILs work. I called my MILS house to see if WH picked up. If he did I was going to have him meet me at the dentist or my MILs work to pick up his papers. I got no answer. After the dentist my DS and I stopped in at my MILs work. She asked me when the last time I saw my WH was. I said two days ago, when I was at your house. Apparently, my MIL came home from work at 3pm yesterday and my WH was not home. He didn't come home last night or this morning at all. She asked me if he had kept his 9am appointment yesterday and I told her no.. She looked very disappointed. She said she had hoped he was out taking care of business when she got home from work, but then when he never came home she got worried. I left the papers with her. She said 'well I will be here until 3, so unless he comes here to get them, I won't be home in time for him to get them for his appointment' I just shook my head and said 'well I don't know anymore...'

Anyone have a guess to where he might be? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am kind of upset with myself right now. Maybe if I hadn't have been so clingy and pushy when I was around him he might not have gone back to her....
Danielle

2x4 for blaming yourself for him going back to OW, Dani!

It's all one huge co-dependency triangle. You're saving him, he's saving her, you're all playing off of each other in different ways. He's loading you up with a mixture of insults and compliments to keep you off balance. She's trying to use him to make you do things.

Focus on your children and practice ignoring the chaos they create. It won't be easy, but it will get better with practice. Quit listening to him and his babble. It only hurts you and slows down any chance of him breaking through the fog, as you're still meeting some of his needs.

Dobie

Dani,

I don't know if I have posted to you before - but sometime I read your thread. I think you've been getting some good advice. The further you are from this drama, the better.

You said...


He went back because he wanted to - and it had nothing to do with you, IMHO - unless it simply is that you are too good for him - and he knows it. Honestly, there may come a day when you are glad he went back there - and stayed away from you.

I know, you love him. When people post to me and tell me all the negatives about my W, it annoys me - since they don't know her and have only heard the negative things that I have said - and reflected them back to me. You might feel the same way. I told my w about your H and she said "well, at least we're not like that."

You've got to separate yourself from the drama. You can't help him. He's got to save himself from this madness. Leaving him to it is the best thing you can do for him.

-AD

Dobie,
Thank you...
I need to come up with a plan...now...

AD,
You are right. Everyone tells me that I can do so much better (even WH). He tells me I deserve so much more then him...etc. Thing is, I want the old HIM. ...only time can tell if he can be him again.

As for a plan....I need one...

Right now I am in this limbo, getting used, and accepting so little, while deserving and giving so much phase.

I can Plan A (I just read Arks 'art of plan A while expecting contact' post.) I can try and show him my attractive and mature side while expecting he has contact with OW. I can stop bringing up the R talk and the NC talk. I can 180 and not call him, wait for him to call me, and try to be very nice but not pushy or clingy. I can just give and not expect. I can bring the kids to see my in laws knowing he may or not be there, and if he is, just be pleasant.

I can Plan B. Send him a letter via mail to his parents house, and wish the best but plan for the worst. I can not bring my kids to see my inlaws because WH may be there. I can not communicate with him about jobs or his trial or anything for that matter. I can let him fall and not be there.

I can Plan D. I can file for a protection order from WH. File for a Divorce..

Or I can cry...

Suggestions? :*(

Danielle

Dani,

You don't need to come up with a plan. You are already supposed to be in a plan. It's called Plan B.

Sweetie, people keep telling you to stay in Plan B, but you don't listen.

This man is dangerous. The OW is definitely dangerous.

I wouldn't be suprised if they figure out where you live. Please get some pepperspray.

As I posted through Orchid on your other thread (this is the first time I have been able to post since the Great MB revision), this one is likely to end in a hospital or a morgue. We don't want you or your kids to be in either.

Please take this seriously. The situation is a violent one. Your husband, by going AWOL, is refusing the psychiatric therapy he desperately needs.

This isn't a question of getting a new hairdo to convince him you are worthy. You need to protect your kids. Stay off their radar screen. You don't even want them THINKING about you. They have a propensity for showing up on your doorstep when you cross their minds -- even at 11 p.m.