Brief history;

W 43
Me 47
5 kids
married 8/2/86

I moved out of the house 2 months ago. We have both been reading on how to save this marriage. For the last 3 weeks things have changed drastically, for the better. We get along, are pleasant to each other, do things for each other that we haven’t done in years.

One of my other posts was “Is this coddling” prompted by catching my wife bathing my 12 yo son. In a nutshell, she would wake all 4 of ours boys one by one, wrap them in a blanket, carry them to the breakfast table, fed them, then carry them back to their room and dress them for school. Then carry them downstairs and put them in front of the TV. She did this till they were about 7-8 years old. I would at times catch her dressing the boys at 10 and 12 y/o, while they were still in bed. I have asked her not to do it, turned it to scolding her for doing it, and have full-blown misfits when catching her doing it.

Anyway, my wife sometimes works the night shift prompting me to stay at the house with the kids. The other night I stayed and cooked them all supper. During supper, my oldest son wanted the honey out of the cupboard, which he was 2 feet from. I was on the opposite side of the room yet he demanded I get up and get it for him. I figure that’s because that’s what my wife would do for him. I told him to get it himself and he wouldn’t budge. I made the dreadful mistake of getting it for him, only because I need to get the salt and pepper in the same cupboard a few minutes later.

And now to today. Wife is again working the night shift. It is Saturday night. Kids have been at activities all day and played outdoors till nightfall. Didn’t get supper because they either weren’t hungry at the time and/or wife had to get some rest before her shift.

Now comes 12:30 am. I inform the 2 of 4 still awake that it is time for bed. The oldest (13) says he’s hungry. I had just fired up the grill and had a late night snack. Told him there was burger in the fridge, all he had to do was make a patty and I would show him how to cook it. He told me there was a law that stated the parent was to make the children supper. I laughed and he got angry, went to a phone and called his mother. I picked up the phone in mid conversation, told her hello, and the first thing out of her mouth was “how come you won’t cook him a hamburger”. I told my son to hang up and fired back with the need for our children to learn independence. Well, that didn’t go over good with her and now I think it’s going to be “one step forward, two steps back” kind of thing.

Gees, I feel like I am being overly strict (maybe not the word I am looking for) while my wife is being overly motherly.

Thanks to any that have read this, I needed to vent. And to any with suggestion/criticism, thanks to you too.

When you said "fired up the grill" did you mean a propane barbecue grill? At 13, some of my kids were cooking complete meals on the electric stove, but not one of them was using the grill. There is too much danger of hot grease spatter, not to mention the open flames.

He's been through boys scouts, knows how to start a campfire. I know he is perfectly capable of grilling a hamburger on a propane grill safely.

i am not an expert at anything but i was cooking formyself at the age of 8 as my parents divorced and i was a latch key kid...13 is old nuff to care for himself....hopefully he will have better luck at relationships than us folk on here...

((( BurrHead )))

Curious, what’s behind the name?

Anywho, great vent, I’m going to narrow my comments to strictly your actions as I understand them through what you’ve said. Afterall, there is only one thing you can control in this situation and that is you…PERIOD

“”” I had just fired up the grill and had a late night snack. ”””

Regardless of what’s been going on in the bathtub or with the honey bottle let’s look at what happened here. I’m presuming you went over around 10:00 to watch the boys. You have full knowledge that they didn’t eat. At least 2 of them are awake when you take the time to start the grille and cook yourself something to eat. Why didn’t you offer to cook something for them at that time? If your wife was there, would you have offered to cook something for her? Do you realize how selfish that act seems? Common courtesy and the situation never arises….

“”” I would show him how to cook it. ”””

That’s great but I have to ask, do you really believe that 12:30 in the morning is the best time for a cooking lesson?

“”” I told my son to hang up and fired back with the need for our children to learn independence. ”””

This may be totally true but I have to tell you that anytime you “ fire ” anything towards your wife, you choose to communicate poorly and ineffectively. I’m willing to bet that she viewed the conversation as controlling, disrespectful and full of love busters. So what ever your point, which it may have been valid, was lost expressing it improperly. If you haven’t yet, I hope that you take the time to read through the “ BASIC CONCEPTS ” on this site paying particular attention to the “ Love Busters ”. In that section it also talks about “ selfish demands ”, “ disrespectful judgments ”, and “ angry outbursts ” along with some other things. But in my opinion, these three items are instrumental in taking control of yourself to allow you and your wife to communicate.

If you haven’t figured it out yet through your readings, much of this starts with you taking responsibility for and controlling your actions. I totally believe that and that is why I took all those things you wrote and broke it down to your three actions.

my handle is an old nicknameI was given. I used to have a natural afro many black folk were envious of.

Once again Lost, you are right. That's what I like about you, you see through the lines and call a spade a spade...I will stop and give my actions more thought. I have read through LB's etc..it's just old bad habits are hard to break. I guess a person just has to keep trying.

The relationship has improved 80%. I just need to keep working on it.

A side note, she liked the 2 roses I put by the bed after 2 great nites together.