Hello all, I want to thank you ahead of time for taking the time to read this, I know it's lengthy, but I really need feedback.

First, I think it would be best to give background information on me and my fiance. I'm 22, going to college for an RN degree. My job is in cellular sales. My past is a little rocky, didn't grow up with alot of money, had enough to get by. I had heart surgery when I was 12, forced me to grow up early on. Had my heart broken bad around 16, so more growing up early on. I've always been extremely self sufficent. I've always paid for vehicle, insurance, cloths and so on since I was 16, even graduated 5th in my class with tons of awards and a scholarship. I used to have alot of insecurites, I spent a year and a half in seclusion, no friends no going out or anything, this was about from age 18 to a few months after 19. I emerged a much better person. No one influenced me and the real me came out. I've never drank smoke or done drugs, I dont go out and party and I never really slept around, never been involved with the law, a few speedin tickets but thats it. I'm not religious, I just believe in being a good person. I'm not the least bit jealous, and I'm extremely trusting.

Now my fiance's description. She's 19, she is very beautiful and intelligent. She grew up in a wealthy family, she was given almost everything she wanted, but it wasn't all cake for her. Her mother and father didn't get along and her mother left when she was 5 and moved a few hours away and married a doctor. She lived with her dad who loved her more then anything, and is such a great man. But he had to work for his parents, who are very prominent business owners. They really push him hard, and when she got old enough she was brought into the business. I mentioned she grew up with everything she wanted, but when she had to work for them she didn't get paid much, and her grandmother and aunt were always talking down to her. When she was 15 she was 5'8 and weighed 135, and they talked her into going to weight watchers. When she graduated and was going to go to college, they got her a 04 envoy, and let her live in one of their rental houses. She wanted to move to my town so instead I moved down there drove an hour to work and school everyday and an hour back home.

Now for the problems. We met through friends on messanger, everything was great in the beginning, from the first time I laid my eyes on our I knew she was perfect. She was so gorgeous, sweet, and nice. The first six months were great, I worked alot and had school and she lived an hour away so we only got to see each other a few days a week, maybe three or four times. Summer came, we got engaged, I changed jobs to a cellular manager, and moved down to the rental house.

Then the problems began. She found porn on my laptop. It was sizeable amount. I had a computer since I was around 13, so I had seven years of porn accumulated on that computer. She seemed a little disgusted, nothing serious though. I cleaned up her laptop for her, I even found porn on her computer, she wanted me to clear it so I cleared it, I was getting rid of my laptop so i transferred it onto hers, didn't really think it would be a problem. She didn't like the idea, eventually I deleted it all. I still looked at it occasionally, I've never been an addict, I would look once a day, sometimes every 3 or 4 days, just depened on how busy I was. Sometimes on saturdays when she was at work I would look. I know that probably was not the right thing to do, it upset her that I looked. But let me clear something up, I've NEVER cheated on anyone, and I NEVER will. I've NEVER even flirted with anyone since me and my fiance have been together. She got upset because an ex called me a couple times, I swear each time I told the ex and was like look, i'm engaged and I'm happy, please stop calling, yet she still called and I just stopped answering the phone. Yet one night when me and my fiance had a fight she called her ex for advice. Honestly, it didn't bother me one bit, I wouldn't of done it but to each their own.

Now back to the "porn" problem. We started to have fights over it, I couldn't understand why she had such a problem with it, I'm never gonna cheat, I NEVER chatted with anyone, I just looked for a few minutes and then turned it off. I never sat there for hours and looked at it. I honestly dont know why I did it. I had looked at that stuff since i was a kid, just seemed like it was something normal for me, and my friends did it alot more then I did. We had several fights, and finally we hammered out an agreement. She had alot of insecurites, when we went out in public she watched me like a hawk. In public I looked at everything in the resteraunt, people walls, I just like to notice the area I'm in. I look at both guys and girls. Not on a sexually level, just on a interst level. She would always accuse me of looking at girls. Even when we drive down the road and glance over at the drive next to me, she accused me of looking at girls. Even though I looked at guys just as much. Even when we watch TV, if a girl is in a bikini she'll turn the channel. If girls are on TV and their in a bikini or a lowcut shirt, she calls them whores nonstop and that's all she talks about. When I pick a movie like Blade, she says I only want to watch movies with whores and sex in it (the only bad part of the movie is the first when it's a rave party and everyone is fully clothed and their just dancing, yet she still says whores and that I pick dirty movies). I really got irritated because every time I turn it on a movie she starts throwing a fit saying I just watch whore movies.

Anyway back to our swears, I stop looking at porn, and she stops jumpin on me about lookin around in public and the movies I watch (we never watched porn or anything like that, they were just guy movies with a little nudity, no sex scenes or anything). Long story short, I kept my swear for a week or so, she NEVER kept hers. I broke it and she found it. I know I was wrong, but it was hard for me to break that, I had done it for so long.

So we made another swear because we both broke ours. I kept that swear for 6 months, she didn't even keep hers for a day, yet I still kept mine, it really made her unhappy so I kept it. But every day she still had those insecurites. I did everything I could to try to help her over those, I asked questions, asked what I could do, looked up ways to help on the internet, and nothing worked. Her insecurites got worse, she would go through my stuff, and check the internet every day. During those six months I would play video games, I used to play games religiously, but hadn't since me and her got together. So during those months up to january I played an xbox online game called Halo 2, and she hated it, she complained every night that I played and threw a fit. I got fed up with our relationship so many times because I tried everything to make it work, but she wasn't willing to budge on her end. I tried to leave several times and she got on top of my car and wouldn't let me leave, when she got off she said she would follow me. I'm really close with my mom and told her what was going on and she said I needed to leave. But I kept going back trying to give her another chance.

All of this happened back around december, her grandmother who always tried to make her life a living hell, decided to make it worse. She always held over her head the fact she they paid for her car and house. She decided to start charging us 400 a month in rent for a little 2 bedroom house, yeah great grandparents, they wanted to control everyone in the family because they could pay for everything, well not me, I took my fiance and she got away from them, they weren't going to control me or her. So I decided to move back to my hometown which was alot bigger. We moved in with my parents for a month. Our fights got so much worse and horrible. I got my mom in the middle of it. I know it was stupid but she's a 3rd objective person, and she had been through alot more, she tried to get my fiance to realize how stupid this stuff was and that it's not worth fighting, the only thing that came out of that was her resenting my mom now. I tried to leave again several times, but she swore up and down she would change, she never did. Our fights would last from the time we saw each other till when we went to bed and would start fresh early in the morning. It finaly got so bad, stupidly at work I had put some porn cds under the counter from 6+ months ago, I had long forgotten about them, I watched a few minutes clicked through them, and turned them off. Really didn't interest me anymore. Yet she would check the computer everyday all day. She found that stuff and went nuts, starting smashing the computer and threating me, we got physical and we shouldn't have, neither of us were hurt though. she was flipping out, i said lets go, so we were walking out of my work and I thought maybe if i lock her out for a bit she'll calm down, I locked her out and she KICKED a whole in the front glass window. I freaked out and panicked and we jumped in the car and left, it was later blamed on kids, I felt so bad. It's been a long twisted journey. My sister and law had a rental house open, I decided to take it my fiance wanted it bad and it was within our range. It's a nice 4 bedroom house, 2 story, 650 a month and I'm getting it financed. But our problems have gotten even worse, after that last stuff she found on the computer she got 10x worse, she watches me like a hawk nonstop, checks everything, I play an online game called everquest2, and she reads my chat logs and flips out when I group with female characters, 99% of the time it's a guy playing the female character, but she still flips out, I dont know what she thinks I'm going to do, I just feel like this is ridiculous.

Prior to us dating I was a very sociable person, always hanging out with friends, I had alot of female friends, but that's all they were is friends, i NEVER dated my friends, I was like their big brother, I watched out for them. Yet when we got together she didn't like me hanging out with my friends. She doesn't even like the fact that I play my online game at home, in fact we made a pact to where I can only play it when she's not here, and she has to quit jumpin on me about stupid little stuff.

I quit going out and talking to my friends, I dont play everquest at home, and I dont watch porn, period. I stick to all of these. I only go to work and come home, that's it, and I dont even get to watch the movies I want to. I wanted to go see that new Sin City movie, it's got alot of great actors and looks like a guy movie, but she wont let me see it because she says its got nudity and she doesn't wanna go watch a bunch of whores, and I shouldn't either.

Now we're to today, we recently found out she's pregnent. We're still engaged and I dont know what to do, her family is pressuring us to get married. Yet we still fight nonstop, she gets mad at me when i yawn, seriously she screams at me to stop yawning she says it annoys her. Also If i drink water too fast she says oh my god quit drinking that damn fast. The insecurites about girls and TV are worse then ever, we have several fights a day about those things. One time I felt like i was having a heart attack, i'm under nonstop stress, I had my mom take me to the hospital and I refused to see my fiance. She flipped out, and kept calling, after I got out she was so shaken up and crying and said I promise I'll change it'll all be better. She said that night alone was the worst night of her life and she never wants to go through that again. Two days later everything was back to normal. Same stress same problems, we get into fights we scream and yell, and she breaks down and cries and promises to change.

Yesterday she linked me this article about this doctor that gave advice to this couple so this is why I'm writing this in hope to get some good advice and help.

Please leave your feedback, maybe that will shed some light on some areas I haven't thought of, thank you.

I have a few things that I would like to say in response to your thread.

First - I do not like it when my fiance looks at computer porn. I didn't mind it in the beginning of our relationship (we're at six years now, to be married next month), but once we started getting serious I didn't want that to be a part of our lives. I know that it was hard for him at first, but he has stopped looking. I'm glad that you've at least put forth an effort to stop looking.

Second, I'm a little appauled by some of the behaviour that you've described. It sounds like your fiancee can be abusive, even if only verbally. Would she consider some therapy? I sounds like maybe she has separation anxiety and a fear of abandonment.

Also, many of the people on the board will tell you that issues you have before marriage will only be multiplied when you get married, so they might suggest that you get out before making the commitment, but I see that she's now pregnant, so that complicates things.

Can you two get some pre-marriage counselling? Maybe she's got some needs that aren't being met and that's why she lashes out??

I won't condone her behaviour, or tell you that it's your fault that she behaves this way. These are choices that she makes. Are you willing to live with that?

Cat

Marriage will only compound these problems, it will absolutely guaranteed, *not* solve them.

I am not saying cut and run, but both of you need to get some therapy, you need to read, absorb, and practice the MB principles, and get them firmly established in your psyche.

The fundamental roots of this relationship need to be seriously examined. Why are you even with this person in the first place? sweet, cute, and beautiful are all fine in and of themselves, but beautiful doesn't make a relationship. It's just a bonus. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trust is a serious issue in this relationship. If you look at the porn situation, it's appx equivalent to infidelity to some people, so reviewing some of the material on infidelity on this site, and how to restore trust would probably not be a bad idea.

Of course, the screaming, DJ's, LB's, all that crap has to stop, or no healing will ever take place.

I'd start with BC, then Q&A, it probably woulnd't be a bad idea to get HNHN, and it would definitely be a good idea to get some pre-M therapy.

Before you get married and take a bad situation and turn it into a disaster. Marriage is work. Hard work. *nothing* broken before marriage gets healed because of it.