Hi, everybody. Haven't posted in a few days, but I THOUGHT I was getting better. Not as much crying since he left last week. Actually cleaned the house and did laundry. OK, so I fell apart. SIL called Thurs to tell me he was happy and to go on w/ my life. MIL called Friday to say he was unhappy and loved d and me. OW is a b**** and she and Pop hate her! Hang in there. He finally called today. First time I've heard his voice since he left. Says he'll call Tues and maybe come pick up some of his stuff. (most everything's still here.) I asked how he was doing, he said "It's hard." I don't know what that means. I was shaking so badly I could hardly hold the phone!<P>He's living w/ ow - supposedly platonic (according to MIL). I feel sick. The sound of his voice just did me in. His voice sent me back to last week when he walked out the door, holding me and saying how he couldn't bear to say goodbye How do I handle this first visit? What do I say? How do I act? I want this man back. I want my marriage back. I found out from his sister that there were a number of indiscretions after the attack (previous thread, he was attacked about 7 years ago). He told me the night he left that there had been so many lies in the last 7 years that he was ASHAMED to stay married. Could that be why he kept changing his mind about counseling and a second chance? There are things he never wants me to know? Doesn't he know I understand what the attack put him through, it shook the very core of the masculinity of a fiercely masculine man. I was with him through his nightmares and anger. I held him when he finally fell apart about it. Even though he tells his mom he misses and loves us, he can't bring himself to call us. He tells her this is something he has to do. He told me he was falling in love w/ ow. <P>I haven't committed to Plan A or B. Haven't been able to think straight enough. Should I let him know that I CAN forgive everything? Should I be happy when I see him? I have so many questions, he left quickly and we never really talked a lot out between discovery and leaving. I need him to talk with me. (And come home, and hold me, etc.) <P>I'm afraid I will faint when I see him. Not really, but cry my eyes out anyway. Said he might make it Sat so he can cut our grass (5 acres - I've sorta let things go) and fix the front door (it won't lock), get one car to the mechanic (doesn't it seem like everything falls apart at once - right with my marriage). <P>I hate days when I don't work. They seem so long. D is looking for a friend to sleep-over w/ AGAIN - says she can't stand to stay in this house. I've managed not to cry in front of her, but I can't say I've been full of life.<P>Somebody please advise me. I need to prepare myself for his visit on Wed or Sat. I need to get through tonite. After hearing his voice, I feel just like I did when he left.<BR>

Boy, don't I know how you feel. Just when you think you are doing ok then bam! they throw you another one. The first time I saw my husband after he left was one of the longest days of my life. It felt so weird to be that uncomfortable with the person I used to feel the most comfortable with. I acted calmly and sort of cold to him wich didn't make him real happy but I felt it was better than crying. It took every bit of strength i had to hold it all together but i did. I was actually glad when he left so i could relax some. Right now my own feelings are so mixed up I can't offer alot of advice just a shoulder to cry on and a ear to vent in.<P>Jill

lostva--<BR>Good to hear from you again, I'd been watching for your posts...worried about you.<P>I sure wish I had some good advice for you. I have NO idea what I'd do in your situation. I hear how very much you want to make your marriage work. And how it seems he's determined to leave. I think he needs counseling, with you, and of course, no one can make him go.<P>I probably wouldn't believe the platonic aspect of living with the OW, but you know your H. Could it be true? <P>I have two weird, very off-the-wall ideas. Since you want him back, you could try the talk with him, when he comes over to do the yard work, etc....telling him you're aware of past indiscretions and you're willing to forgive him--come back home so you two can work on your marriage (with the understanding that once he's home, no more lies, etc.).<P>Or...seems like it was Bozos Deb?--who said she actually waltzed into the OW's home, to tell her how to make H's favorite dishes, about his medications, etc., like a well-meaning friend. I thought that was FABULOUS. It brought reality into the situation, for the OW...what H had left behind. And it gave W the opportunity to have a better idea what was now going on. Maybe a little talk WITH the OW...you might be able to mention H is telling everyone it's platonic...how odd, you might say. Is there something physically wrong with her, anything you can do to help?? Well, dear (heh, heh), unbenownst to him you are aware of many affairs he's had, just prepare herself for standing in your shoes some day....and that you really don't hold it against her. Boy oh boy, talk about being the calm, forgiving soul in appearance. I know, a lot maybe to pull off right now. But worth some thought!<P>Keep posting. Look out for your own interests and that of your daughter's.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

You guys always get me through! I'm such a mess - can't stop my head from spinning. Stopped posting for a few days to have a mini breakdown - didn't help.<P>Crazy or what - I've been thinking about you so much and reading your posts (ok I've been lurking, just not writing). I feel so badly for you. You've gone through so much and handled it so well. Thanks for your words here, you've always helped me through. I used to think I LIKED roller coasters!<P>Lucks - talk about confused. MIL and SIL have invited ow over. All hate her (and SIL wanted to love her). They all say there's no warmth, no touching, no gentleness in this relationship. Not at all like my H. THEY believe it's platonic, even if I don't. He's telling all of them he still loves me and d. Just can't go home, can't stand to be here. Wants to see me, just can't stand to be here. I don't know. Now no one's sure where he's staying. He goes to his mom's to do his laundry, has most evening meals with mom or sister and spends weekend days at mom's but leaves at bedtime. Shouldn't he be building this new relationship of his? His money is gone, not here, of course. But he's had to ask his mom for gas money. Did he give it to HER? <P>I've thought about your first idea. In fact, I've written him a letter. Haven't mailed it, though. Everyone has a feeling that what's happened is he's been carrying around a lot of guilt for a long time and my dad's death sent him over the edge. He's been upset ever since. MIL seemed to think that the things from my dad's house that we have here are making him very uncomfortable. They brought comfort to me, but maybe not to him. He's talked so much about what a disappointment he would be to my dad (they had a special relationship). That he's not good enough for us, never was. MIL says every time my name is mentioned, he puts his head in his hands or on the table and just stays there for up to an hour. I don't know what to do or what to think.<P>Isn't Deb the greatest?!!!!I don't think I have her nerve. She's much more creative than I could ever be! I can't even bring myself to face ow. I'm afraid I'll feel even more insecure (she could be my daughter, you know). He told MIL that he wasn't in love with this girl, she just needed some help and, since we didn't need him anymore (huh?) he could help her. I don't know what to believe or what to do when I see him. MIL says let him know I want to see him, even if I meet him somewhere else (she's pushing for a date a week) and to let him know I love him and forgive him for anything. <P>I KNOW the attack has a lot to do with this, and the earlier infidelities (if that's true). As a rape victim myself (I was 20), I know you don't get past these things without help - not really past them. And for a man! There are some differences - in what happens, with whom and pride. That's why he refused to seek help and why they need it so much more. I don't know. We both need counseling but he would never go. Push it down and push it aside and go on with my life. Guys are so stupid sometimes!<P>Darn it! I always write a book and there's always so much more to say. Then I feel like I'm imposing on everybody (that's why I stopped posting for a few days - 'til I couldn't stand it anymore!)<P>Anyway, thanks for your help, guys. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. All the advice so far has been terrific and helped me through the worst thing I've ever been through. <P>Lori

Dear Lori Lostva, <P>Don't you feel bad about posting, and worrying how WE are going to get fed up or anything like that. That is absolute nonesense.<P>You post, and no more mini breakdowns! We care, that is what we are here for. You just post post post. <P>Understand?<P>

Thank, TnT. I only talk w/ 2 or 3 people, my brother, a friend in CA and MIL and I try not to bother them too much. And, of course, you guys! I've always hated whiners, never let my daughter get away with it and that's what I feel like a lot of the time. (Funny, though, I don't think of anyone ELSE here that way!) ]<P>Still don't know what to do if he calls tonight and is coming Wed or Sat. MIL says all he says, over and over, is "I've made such a mess of things, I don't know what to do." I mailed the letter. Just gave him some calm insight (5 re-writes) as to what I was thinking about all the things he's said to me since 6/28 (the date engraved in my mind forever). I told him how I felt, how I knew he still loved us from the things he said to me, how we could forgive each other anything and that there was nothing that couldn't be fixed. Shared some good news about daughter and new school and let him know that, although, she told him never to speak to her again, she cries every night. I felt he should know that. He told one sister he was staying at hotels - not ow's (I prefer OG -girl, not woman). Maybe that's where his salary's going? She's also fighting to regain custody of her children, maybe THAT's where his money's going and why he's not there. MIL says he still acts exhausted all the time, like he's not sleeping (OK, I got a little satisfaction from that since I don't remember what sleeping all night is like). Still goes on about our not needing him anymore, that he's never been good enough for us. I don't understand. Maybe that's the problem - I need to understand. If he doesn't love me, ok. If he was crazy about Sweetie Pie, ok (but wouldn't she be fixin dinner and doing laundry and spending time w/ him???)<P>Oh, I don't know. I'm exhausted and frustrated. I used to know him - better than anyone. I'm the only one he trusted to tell about the attack (eventually anyway). Now I don't know what to do or what to say. My brother says "this is not all played out yet - there's a lot more to come, be ready for anything." Maybe he's right. <P>Any thoughts, anyone????<P>

Well.....if OG (I like that) is fighting to regain custody of her children, the addition of a live-in man isn't going to balance the scales her way. Wonder why she lost custody.<P>How about..when you hear from him...a talk away from the home. Maybe meet for soda or coffee somewhere. That idea was sparked by your comments about your dad's things possibly making H feel uncomfortable.<P>Chin up!<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>