Ok, I don't want any 2x4's please.
It's been 10 months since my STBX left and I can hardly wait for the DV ro be final. Well, I have been out with a friend and chatting with him for some time now. Well, we went out "as friends" Saturday night and we ended up kissing. It flet wonderful. I really like this person a lot. He is also interested in me but wants to take things very slow until I'm divorced. I respect that very much. My question is....why do I not feel bad at all about kissing him? I know I'm still married but I also know I'm definitely getting divorced. I don't feel any love for my STBX anymore. I guess I've emotionally detatched myself from him. It's funny because my STBX called to talk to our son last night and I answered the phone and was nice to him....it didn't bother me at all. I don't understand what I'm going through right now and was just hoping for some words of wisdom. Please don't jump on me for kissing this other person. I've been trough a lot as many of you here have and I actually feel good for the first time in a very long time.

No 2x4's here. Yes, you are married still but it's more legal than emotional now. It was just a kiss. Maybe that's still too much for some people but you didn't have a SF.

Probably the biggest thing is that mentally, you have crossed the line. It's kind of the same line that WSs cross. You are moving passed your marriage to another place. You've had a few of your ENs fulfilled. You've had independent verification that you are a beautiful, desirable woman. This has given you some armour to deal with WH.

Good luck. Take it slow. Now you can start reading books about making good relationship instead of fixing bad ones.

Thank you grapegirl. It was just a kiss.....no SF. I wouldn't let myself go that far until I'm divorced. I know I would feel awful if I did that. I will admit that I didn't feel bad at all for kissing him. It was nice. I know there are others out there that will blast me...that's ok. I can't take it back and wouldn't if I could.
I'm just so ready to move on with my life. I feel that I am emotinally divorced and have no intereset in saving my M. It's over. I'm a good person and I feel that I deserve some happiness in my life.

That was a big step for you. You're at a point where your M is done. Happiness is good. I just suggest that you try kissing a lot of guys before you settle on the one. It's a good sign that this man is cautious about jumping in too.

Good luck!

Yes, I agree....I'm not planning on jumping into anything serious right now. I just want to find some happiness. I'm actually happy with who I am and know that I have a lot to offer someone. I've had a lot of time to figure things out in my life. Even though it's only been 10 months....I feel like I've come a long way and have grown tremendously form this experience. Thank you so much for your support.

hiya Tree !

OK, so now you have proof that you will one day be somebody's everything !

So don;t play with fore already ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Smile smugly to yourself and don't play with this decent man's affections until you're divorced at least, preferably till you're in a place where you can have a healthy relationship.

Remember not to do anything that won't reduce you incamerons eyes if you explain to him in truth. He needs to have undying respect for at least ONE of his parents.

You deserve happiness tree, but not at the expense of your self-respect.

You're doing GREAT ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bob

You don't feel bad because you're intoxicated by another person. How lovely. My guess is that you really don't let go of a marriage, no matter how good or bad it is, unless there is someone else to give your heart to. Treelady, you have been reading and learning here for ages. You will have so much to offer the lucky man. Good luck. Does he have a friend for me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good for you..... You sound happy and accepting of your divorce now that in itself is great... Just remember that though you are feeling great this week - something could set you off in awhile without you full being aware that it is happening.. I wouldn't feel guilty about kissing someone - Even if you are divorced you could still carry some emotional baggage from your marriage that even you are not fully aware of ... But you do what makes you happy.... And don't feel guilty - you are upfront and honest with this "friend" then no one will be hurt.... Stay happy...

BobPure, Tucktummy and Maw64....thank you for responding! I am feeling so much happier these days. I have met some wonderful people and know that I can be happy again. I will take it very slow with this new man. We're just friends and he totally is understanding about my situation. He knows everything. I can't believe how respectful he is. I think that's what attracts me to him is that he wants to do the right thing. He refuses to go any further with anything until after I'm divorced. There aren't many men like that out there.
I finally feel like I can get through this DV without losing it. I've come to the realization that my STBX just isn't the person I'm supposed to be with. It just wasn't meant to be. God has something better planned for me. :-)
I agree Bob....I will do nothing that would make Cam look at me in a way that isn't acceptable. I will always put him first!!!!!!

I am a little worried about you based on this comment.

The concept of earning our way out of the marriage includes knowing what we personally did to contribute to the environment of the marriage that caused it to fail.

If God plans things about our lives, I think it is by allowing us to suffer in order to learn lessons about life. God does not hand us happiness, just opportunities.

In what ways are you going to be different from here on out?

Just pushing you a little bit, because I think that the intoxication of a kiss from an admiring man is distracting you from the lesson.

Pep

TR

I remember my first kiss after the DV <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's awesome that you feel good after so much sorrow and sadness. You deserve every good feeling you have right now.

There is life after DV - and it's pretty darned good.

Pep....I understand why you would be concerened but I've done some soul searching (way before this kiss). I do realize some of the things I could have done to save my marriage. All I meant by that comment was that I have to pick myself up and move on. I am a Christian and I belive that things happen for a reason. What that reason is....I don't know right now. There is nothing more for me to do but to accept that my M can't be saved and move on. I've tired....believe me I've tried. I just know now that he isn't the man I want to be with anymore. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I found out so much stuff that my STBX did during our M. I could never take him back. He doesn't want to come back anyway.
I'm taking steps to make my life better for me and my son. That's all I can do now.

into the black....yes...it was a nice kiss. I do deserve happiness just like we all do. I will find that happiness one day. I have faith and am aiming towards making my life so much better.

I'm not talking about saving your marriage ... I am actually talking about grieving a very profound loss. This marriage was not a brief thing, you were married a very long time.

grieve properly

That's really what I am meaning to say

And part of the proper grieving is to pull out the meaningful bits and examine them and understand the meaningfullness of all of this ... the pains, the joys, the mundane... all of it

You don't really think you can just move forward and never look back do you?

So, take your time and properly grieve. You are suffering a real loss here. Not just your STBXH ... but the loss of all your hopes and dreams and the future plans you had made together .... things like sitting together at a grandchild's graduation holding hands, etc.

These losses are inside you, don't pretend that this is a meaningless marriage you are leaving/losing.

Or perhaps I am wrong, and you are not grieving these losses at all. Time will tell.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep...I understand what you are saying. :-) Yes, I am still grieving all of the loss. I do still cry from time to time just thinking about all the dremas I had with this man. It is a very sad thing and I'm sure it will take a long time to heal from all of this. I totally understand what you are saying. Thank you!!!!!!!!

TR, I can only draw on my experiences post-D and how I handled my pain and my life. I think what Pep is saying is to make sure you are being honest with yourself and your feelings. That you have accepted where you are in life. It's good advice.

I'll agree that there is a certain amount of grieving to be done, but in the end you don't want to hang on too long. How long is ultimately up to you. Everyone is unique.

You learn from your past and become a better person because of it. Pain has a way of making you grow as an individual. At the end of the day, you have to be able to look at yourself and know that you did all you could to save your marriage without sacrificing who you are.

I think you've done that, don't you?

It is true that you do not want to immediately jump into a new exclusive relationship, but I don't think that's what you are doing. You will find that the first breakup after your D is actually quite painful as it brings back all of the feelings and doubts you had before. Trust me, I've been there done that. It's just something you have to go through. If you don't take risks you will never move forward.

As a BS, I was married for 13 years, together for 18 years. My original post is out there somewhere - let me tell you, I didn't think it was possible to cry that hard. And yes, I grieved for all the things that I thought were lost.

It turns out that a lot is NOT lost. I have my girls and they have me. We do as much if not more together now than before. I have met a woman who is wonderful, a former BS herself. Sure, my xWW isn't there to share certain "moments". She made that choice. Sometimes I realize that it is sad. However, I have learned to not only live with it but thrive.

I think you should be proud of yourself for moving on. Of course, you don't want to forget how you got here, but neither do you want to hang on to something that is gone. Your marriage is over. You know it. You feel it. And you've realized that there is a whole life out there waiting for you to live it.

I have seen first hand how grief and sorrow can destroy a person's life. In fact, you can see it here on this site where some people continue to live in a sort of emotional limbo, paralyzed by sadness, in the vain hope that something will change. Meanwhile, life passes them by. I think that is terribly sad - affairs are truly sickening in what they do to people.

For me, I waited a year before I began dating again. Not because of some formula in my head but because I realized one day that I was wanting to date as opposed to "needing" to date. Does that make sense?

What you are doing takes a lot of courage. You should be proud of yourself.

Kind regards,
-ITB

ITB I am glad you are happy after your divorce. Most peopel are not happy after D. Not spouses not kids. Not pets. Nobody.

However this is a MB site, and a marriage is active before God until it is dissolved.

Tree has worked SO hard to be reasonable while her H is not, but she isn;t out of gas yet I think. There is hope in recovering a marriage until the divorce is final.

I am uncomfortable with such divorce evangelism as your post seems to be. Sorry if I seem a bit anti. I am PRO happiness but anti giving up on marriage too soon.

Tree is doing well. She's putting Cam first that means giving her M the extra inch as long as she can. her H doesn't deserve her, the pillock.

Why don't you feel bad? - Because you shouldn't.

I think that I understand what Pep and others are saying. Don't use crutches. Make sure that you deal with your loss! I really understand this, I have been guilty in the past of acting like I was over something and i wasn't, only to have it come back to bite my a$$ later.

I am sure that you know this TreeReich, you have been self-analyzing for a long time.

You are brave, Tree. I have read many of your past posts, and the big D is never easy. You deserve to be happy, I wish you and your son well.

jls

Bob, I agree with what you said. I've had that same feeling about divorce evangelism, and I'm getting it from this thread. Divorce is necessary sometimes, certainly. But when I feel normal again, someday, I don't believe I'm likely to tell people that my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Tree, I've always thought you weren't as DONE as you said you were. But maybe it was just your writing style - "WHY am I crying over this IDIOt?!"

And this A was his 2nd, and I think you're saying there were other things he kept from you.

I'm glad you had a chance to feel good. So, kissin' only - is that the plan?

GC

Thanks everybody for responding...I had responded to each of you seperately but something happened it everything I wrote dissapeared. UGGHHH!

I am putting my son first no matter what! No man will come between me and my son!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy is a very nice man and I really like him as a person. As far as if there will be more....I have no idea. I'm taking things VERY slow.
GC....as for now...yes just kissing. :-)
I know some people might look at this as crazy but I am confident that my M is over...there is no hope. My STBX cheated on me more than 6 times that I know of. I could never forgive that and don't want him back. I know in my heart it's over. I do mourn the loss of the M and all the dreams I had but I have to pick my chin up and move on.
It will always be painful to think about what could have been but I will survive!

[color:"purple"]Hey there TR. I don't come around the boards so much anymore. Too much of the same ssdd...know what I mean ?
However I did want to jump in here.

I for one think it's GREAT you found a connection. It means your moving forward, with all that's happened it could easily turn into a relationship, but I think you're smart enough to know better.

As for the divorce, you and I knew long ago that he checked out. It was sad, devasting, unforgiving, and you followed every plan in the book. Sometimes, the decision to divorce isn't ours...and in your case, that's precisely what happen.

As to what you've learned from this ? I can't really say you had much to learn. You were one of the few that WERE meeting your WH emotional needs. You were a good wife, a good mother. Although I don't blanket statement anyone, and this statement refers ONLY to YOUR WH..is I think he has major character flaws. Your are young, beautiful, sweet as candy. You two brought a beautiful son into the world.

These are HIS issues.

I have NO doubt, that you'll move on in life, and never second guess yourself. You are one of the few BS that have their head screwed on tight.

Look ahead..always... WH...has put you through the wringer...and back again. His attempts to minimize the situation, in the meantime, working together with his trashy OW..to destroy the person that YOU are. Don't ever let ANYONE do that to you. You have a kind gentle spirit, and it doesn't deserve to be broken by anyone. NO matter what vows were taken.

Hugs to you TR... a kiss...is just a kiss in this case...but it was a stepping stone you needed. [/color]