ok what an awful weekend... sat night he picks an arugement with me telling me he feels uneasy etc. that he is unsuer of his life and a whole lotta babbling. we talked for about 2 hours. I actually felt we had gotton somewhere in teh conversation so he'd know it is not my responsiablitly to fix the thigns going on inside him, its his responsiablity. Well then sun. we had a busy day palnned. but he has a drumset and can only play when me and the kidsa re not at home (too loud) when he used to be talking to tghis ow all the time almost everytime i left so he could play he'd email her or something that i'd find! Well... this past year or so since we've been backt ogether, i've gone out many times and he has never emialed her or anything that i know of. well yestrdaywe were getting ready to go adn he said b/4 we go do you want to take the kids out so i can play drums (he hasnt played in like 2 weeks). I said ok i have to go clean outm y car so i'll take them! so i lave the hosue and i was trying to think of a gas station with a good car wash. (i was at a 7/11 w/ no car wash) so i call him. i accidently (out of habit) called his cell.. it was turned off when i left. It rang. he answered. I asked why it was on. he said he was text messaging me (that was one of the things i had said thenight b/4 that he never text's me anymore. he siad he wanted to apologize for the night b/4) it was believable. ( i didnt think he'd text her on his phoen because he knows i'll see it on the bill..) Well I still had this gut feeling. i kept t hinking he was picking a fight the night b/4 now he watned to play drums. so when i finsh instead of going to a car wash we go home. when i pull up i see through a space in the window hes on the ocmputer. as soon as we pull up he's out the door!! he is nervous looking like he doesnt want us in the house. so I finnaly go in i kept asking what he was doing, why he isnt playing drums. he says he went to the potty then checked the draft online. we go in. he gets online again. i said can i use the computer. he starts trying to claer the histroy first (while i'm standing thre...) i turn the computer off. i get on it finnaly (hes real mad ) i look in the history:
He went to www.attwirleess.com which brings you to cingular (since att is bought by cingulra) Well we have cingular. OW has attwireless... So I siad oh you were textmessaging her right.... as i'm looking in the histroy he struggles wtih the mouse and gets it away. i had seen enoguh i just got up. he erased the history. he claims he went to cingular.com and it was showing up attwirless.com (DUH I"M NOT AN IDIOT) that he was going to text message me b/c he coudlnt do it on his cell phone we get no singal in the house. (which is true...) Well we get into a big like 3 hour discussion. which the end result is this:

I basically say i know you tried to text her. He wont admit it. he promises all the same promises of how he'll make it work etc. hes holding me crying, loving me etc.

by the end of the day i feel like he's already back to his normal self. I dont know what to do. what do i do now. and does this mean hes been in contact with her all along or just starting contact (b/c if he'd been in contact with her all along wouldnt he know not to go to attwirless.com just to go to cingurl..) any ideas? pleas someone help guide me!!!

Mylife, now that you have this what do you plan to do with it?

I dont know if i should plan A . or if I should throw in the towell or what. i want my marriage to work. i admit i've sitll made mistakes but he is making the choice to contact her an d i can nOT controll or be responsiable for that.

any help guys?

Hi there - for whatever reason, your post is sprawled across the page and is very difficult to read (for me). Don't know if it is the same for others which might be why people are slow to respond.

Hi Mylife, TT is right , can you edit your signature to be shorter so it doesn't scroll the page to make it unreadable ?

Then we can read it and see how we can help you ! Thanks !

ok i fixed it , I think. it looks fine for me.

mylife25,

I would put a spyware on the computer to log everything and shut up for now. Now aside from this, you have not answer FF's question. What do you want to do ?. If he did and if he isn't. As you know, 99% of the time BS is right on the money.

-rh-

I want my marriage to work. but not sure what the rigt solution is. As for spyware. i have no clue about computers. He knows tons more then me. he has all these programs like zone alarm etc. wont't it detect the spyware??

Mylife

An obvious thing I learned on here and through my personal experience of infidelity is that people with nothing to hide hide nothing.

I am sure there are some people out there who behave suspciously for benign reasons but I haven't met one or seen one on these boards yet.

So I think you can release yourself to the fact that an EA at least in ongoing.

Proof will STILL be required however because active WS would lie that poop was chocolate on a plate if they thought it would enable their A. They can;t help it for a while.

Also you need to find out the OP so you can expose.

Like redhat said ( HI RH !) a key logger may be useful. At this time in your relationship sneaking is good and noble, even though it makes your WH mad.

If he hates you for it, explain that if he were to behave in a transparent and open manner you would have no suspicions.

be strong, its not a nice thing to do, or situation to be in. But I suspect your boil is about to be lanced.

All blessings.

mylife25, good. However in order for your M to work he has to come to a point where he is willing to do 4 rules of recovery, Fillin ENs, Avoiding LBs, Spending Q time, and Radically Honest. Right now he is not and all you got is possiblity of renew contact. Bob, (hi Back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), is absolutly correct, you think of the worst. Minimum is EA and probably more. He is relapsing again. You have to snoop to find out about this A. I don't know what computer you have but check this software, I am pretty sure there are people on MB will be able to help you out. I think spyzone would detect it but again I never use it. Second you need to find out as much as you can about OW. Is she married, who is she ?. You need all those information to make a decision.

Meanwhile, check Questionairs. Fillin like he does it for you, i.e. from his view about it. Hang in there for plan A before you rushing out.

It feels like doormat ... it is, but you have to hang in there until you figure out about the A and OW.

-rh-

Ok Thanks for responding. Heres what I feel and what I need a lot of advice on. I do think the worse i have been thhinking for months that he has been in contact with her but honeslty he probably just started it up and i've been worrying nonstop. I am working on letting go of my worrying inside my head. I will still look at the phone bill etc. but he has not called her from the house/cell and I dont think he will. The times he could/will contact her are times that i can not do anything about like if he is at work. I can not check out what he does there. and if he is deleting the computer at home.

I can install the spyware BUT i need to know if he'll detect it and what do i do then??? I mean I'm not very computer smart and he works in the computer field. any help on this dilema?

as for the OW. she was married I think she is seperated. i've already exposed back when it started EVERYONE knows what happend and what continues to happen of the times he has and does break contact. I dont know if she is still seperated, back to gether or divorced from her H she has one child.

The part i'm having the most difficulty with and probalby why I have never been good at Plan A is that I have trouble fulfilling his EN and I dont get much in return. like i'll hold his hand and he'll hold mine back or kiss me back . but the past few weeks its me making allt he moves. and hes still in this thing that he only wants to havs SF if I initiate b/c he says that He has intitiated everytime in the past year. (not exactly true though he does initiate more then me). i've benen having trouble with this.

so i'm willing to hang in there and try a good plan a this time. but i will need some advice and guidence i ahve failed at plan a everytime.

Mylife, give a call out to BobPure, ARK and a few others for help with a good solid plan A. I think you are correct that it is at least an EA and if you want your M then plan A is where you should be. I think you may have to forget the spyware for now if your H is in the IT field. Anything else you can do to get proof?

There is no other way I can think of to get proof becasue like i said i think the only ways he could be communicating with her is 1. at work on the phone. 2. at work email. 3. at home on the ocmputer while i'm at wokr... which would be eliminated soon since i'm off all summer. i'll only have to worry about options 1/2 .

mylife25,

I am sorry I didn't know your story. How did you take him back ?. Did he promise NC, put proper accoutanbility and working on M ?. What is the time frame ?

-rh-

We seperated from oct 1-jan 24 or so . we seperated b/c he refused NC with ow . I took him back after he proved (via phone bills/accountablity etc) that there was no contact for like 2 months. we got back together jan 04. thoruhgt the past year and a half since we got back together there have been about 4/5 times i've found contact. he did nc letter, he worked on marriage went to some cousnling etc. but he has contacted her that i know of in 3/04 , 5/04 , 7/04 and the last time being 9/04 . those are the times I KNOW he contacted her. as of now he claims NC. he swears he wants to make our mariage work BUT he is very moody, has a problem with lying. and i'm having a hard time with plan A b/c i have a hard time giving and giveing when i just get attitude/not much return. this feeling has returned in the past few months. Which i had posted the letter i recived form him. every year around his bday he gets extremely depressed and dobuts everything in his life.

Ok here is my latest dillema. Last night things wre going pretty good but when it got later i was gettin gtired and I was trying to initiate SF by inviting him in the bedroom with me not to sleep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well he said thats not coming on to me. That is just saying what you want. i want you to seduce me. so i'm feeling fustrated inside but trying to keep it inisde i feel like no matter how/what i do it is not good enough. is this just the state of mind he's in ? I dont know what the problem is, i feel like some times hes fine others he grumpy. misserable and not my H i know.

Then this morning i'm on the phone with him talking about nothing important at all. we were just on the phone chit chatting and one of my students came in for help. so i said hey let me call u back a students here for some help. he said fine. i said i love u bye. he said bye. click.

So i called him back an dsiad is everything ok? he said I knew you'd call me back. i said what does that mean? he siad i knew that you'd call back. (hes miserable sounding. i said is everything ok. he said yea. i said ok i gotta run. i love you and he just says bye and hanges up.

NO i'm falling into the trap of analyzing in my head and going over it again and again i feel anxious and upset I have no reason why he is so upset??

At this point if you think there may have been C and you are back in plan A then you need to work on YOU. Stop analyzing everything he says and does. Don't react when he acts grumpy, just keep acting cheerful, you may even want to look up some of Orchid's reverse babble for those situations. It sounds like he is trying to draw you into an argument or make you feel to blame for what is going on inside him. Be the best you.

I use the famous line of Dr.Phil. How is it working for you ?. Definitly you have to change your plan. Stop focusing on him but yourself. I would make physical & attitude drastic changes to mark it. I would change hair style, hair color, or nail color that you always want but not doing it. Don't care about the money, let him pay ... this is new you. Go and buy a very sexy victoria secret undie but wear 'em at night but don't even give him a hint that you want any physical contact, hold back and say "I have a headache" line. LET HIM FOCUS ON YOU. Go to the gymn, activities that you wants but never have a chance or time to do it. Let him take care of the kids at home, it is good for him. Basically you have to try 180 degree ... I plagerized it here:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than anywords you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Try one or two actions first and see the result, if he starts getting confuse you have to press for more.

mylife25 ... don't try to follow WS logic, it is like trying to guess where a DUI person is heading.

-rh-

Thanks guys. i'm still having a hard time wokring on me and not worrying aobut him. and his moods!!!!!! just like today he cleared the history on the computer (One of my pet peeves!!!) he syas its a surprise i was shopping for our annivesary. could he have been.. yea. but could he have done anything else... yea . but i just said oh and elft it alone and that was hard!