KarlM,

No problem, my whole story is pretty much here already.

Eventually my STBXW hooked up with someone who she thought was "the one" and moved out of the house to live with him. After that I started doing a little digging and mostly through some of her now ex-friends found out about the other A's.

When I approached my W about the other A's I did so in a very confident manner. I made her think that I already knew exactly what had gone on and when, even when I wasn't sure. That was very effective at making her come clean on things.

Of course I don't know that your W is doing exactly what mine was. But if she has stepped out of your M as much as you say some sort of shake-up is going to be necessary to get her to think about what she is doing and what she wants.

starman

Just an FYI.
It is possible to obtain your wife's work cell phone records.
www.phonebust.com
You only need to know the company name, address , provider and her cell phone number.

You may find this to be a real eye opener. I know it was a VERY worthwhile service for me.

Starman,
Thank you for your story and words of encouragement. Atleast you finally got the truth revealed in your situation. Congrats on that.



wittlewifeypoo,
I just placed my order. Thank you for the link.

Karl, does she make you feel like the bad guy when you snoop on her?

Melody..U hit the nail on the head there. She lashes out and really gives me hell about it. Even on times I have not, she has accused me of it. For example, this past weekend she was helping at a kids lock in thing. I came by once to bring them some things and went back home. She acted as if for some reason she did not want me there. Later in the evening I decided to go back by and see how things were going. Once there, I thought about her reaction earlier and decided to not go in and leave. While leaving she came out to get her phone out of the car and saw me pulling out of the parking lot. She called me on the cell and asked me what I was doing. I told her that she made it pretty evident earlier that she did not want me there so I decided to not come back in and go home. End of conversation. Next morning she comes home with the kids all pissed. Tells me she know I was checking up on her and she did not like it at all. Hell..this time I actually was not trying to check on her.

ok, this is what I suspected and it will be up to you to change this paradigm, Karl. She gets away with this abuse because you allow it. Her goal is to bully you into inaction by making you feel guilty for protecting yourself via snooping.

First off, no one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. She is not entitled to secrets. She is not entitled to the privacy to destroy you.

In the past she has destroyed your trust by acting untrustworthy. It doesn't sound like she has done anything AT ALL to rebuild that trust. She continues to act in a secretive manner and then DEMANDS that you afford her the trust you would naturally afford a trustworthy person. She does not deserve trust and needs to be told this.

Trust must be EARNED, Karl. It is not an entitlement. She seems to feel it is an entitlement. You need to change her thinking on this.

So here is my suggestion the next time she accuses you of not trusting her. Explain to her that you do not trust her because she is an untrustworthy person. Only an insane person would trust an untrustworthy person. She destroyed any trust you had for her with her affair. Trust must be earned and if she wants to be trusted, she must exhibit trustworthy behavior.

If she wants to earn your trust, then she should open up her life, ie: cell phone passwords, constant contact, no more secretive behavior, etc. But, it is up to her to earn trust and you are under no obligation to give her trust that she does not deserve. Don't give her what she doesn't deserve.

Don't let her make you feel guilty for not trusting her, Karl. You should not trust her. The next time she accuses you of not trusting her, then AGREE WITH HER. Tell her that, of course you do not trust her, she is untrustworthy.

Don't say this part to her because I don't want you to show your hand:
On the other hand, you are entitled to protect yourself and your children from her untrustworthy behavior. Therefore, you are entitled to snoop on her if you feel it is warranted. And until she establishes trust, you will do what you feel is right.

You are exactly correct Melody. She is a master at mind games and when we discuss and issue it always ends up with the simple fact that "Karl" cannot admit he has done something wrong. I admit to doing things wrong..when I have and when I am. But it makes her extremely mad when I confront her with any wrong doing or action. For some reason the table always seems to try to turn in my direction from her end. She will not speak for days at a time when confronted in which she knows really frustrates the hell out of me. I constanly have told her that on order for our lives to progress in a positive manner communication is a key.

I wouldn't go out of my way to confront her with things, but by the same token, allowing her to manipulate you like this only emboldens her to continue this behavior.

It also diminshes any respect she has for you, Karl, and women do not respect men they can run over. For me, at least, my feelings of love are very connected to the level of respect I feel for my H. Just remember, she will treat you with the level of respect that you demand. If you demand none, you will get none.

You probably think the better you comply with her tyrannical wishes, the greater the peace and the more she will love you. And if you just try a little harder to please her you will surely get some approval, right? But somehow, you always fall short, right? Surely, you can see this does not work? Because the problem isn't your performance, its that she will never be happy with any level of performance. She needs to find fault with you in order to justify her affair. She needs to make you the bad guy so she won't have to focus on herself. Bad bad Karl doesn't make her happy, therefore, she is justified seeking happiness elsewhere.

Truly, you can't afford to be bullied into silence by emotional blackmail. That is not a marriage, Karl. Tolerating shabby behavior just to keep the peace is not a marriage, it is a prison and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.