just found out a week ago what i new for four months to be true that my h had an affair with a friend/someone he works with.

for 4 months they both lied to me i even went to her because she was my friend and talked to her. It is every clear that they had a emtion affair that then truned physical.

it all came out becase her and i had a big blow out and two days later when my h was tellingher that he did not want her and that he wanted me and our family.

it has ended but i just don't know where to begin to trust him. he has wanted to be physical and i try not to want him and he a agreed to go to therapy. but how do i get that back to where we were?

I'd like to suggest that you and your H get into counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Jennifer Harley Chalmers or her brother Steve Harley from the Marriage Builders counseling service. If cost is an issue then you may want to consider The Marriage Builders Home Study Courses. Your recoveries can greatly be helped if BOTH of you are on the same page and follow a plan based on the Marriage Builder principles embodied in Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters' and 'His Needs, Her Needs'. Calmly, quietly, and respectfully suggest this to your H.

TMCM

Thank you for your reply it is just so hard to deal with everything. I do want to work things out with my h and keep my family together. I just feel so hurt. He was so emtional attached to this other women and I know that he misses there friendship.

but just sometime wonder if i am selling myself short of love. how do i know that he wont do this again? i guess i just have to trust him?

i just don't understand how he could let this happen, how could he become so involved with someone and then realize that what he was doing was wrong?

i just want to know that we are going to be that close again
i just want to stop trying to figure out why this happened and try to figure out how to make it work

Dear mjr,

I unfortunately am in the same place you are right now, I found out about 4 weeks ago, and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions, your going to feel ok one minute and feel like curling up in a ball and crying your eyes out the next.(unfortunately, today was a bad day for me, I re-read some old e-mails between them) You have to stay strong and find a therapist right away, you might have to go through a few before you find someone you are comfortable with. Read through the posts on this site it will help, many I've run across felt the same way we do, and they made it through. Post often, we are here for you.

Goldenpups

Thanks for the support. Last night and this morning have already been very bad. Over the past week he had been in my face asking if i am ok and calling and letting me talk about what is wrong. But then yesterday he was in a bad mood at work, and he tells me it is about work, but i just don't know if i believe him. i made a comment to him that maybe there is someone out better for me out there who will love me and respect me more then him, and now that i have said that he tells me that it is good to see where you head is at.
he then went on to tell me that when he is in a bad mood that i should just leave him alone. (i did that for the past few months and he got emtional and physicaly involved with someone) so I think i am going to be a little hesitate about just leaving him alone. he then stated that this is no longer about what he did that it is about how he is not going to "kiss my a$$" that he know what he did was wrong and if i think that he is going to call me hundred time a day then I should think again. because he has a lot of work that he need to focus on right now.

I told him that he expects me to deal with this in a week, i told him that it is very hard to deal with and that when one moment he is all over me and then the next he dosen't even want to talk, doesn't help. When i said that he then tells me to pack his stuff and he will leave because he is not going to deal with this every day. so i said i guess thats all your going to try, your just going to try for a week and thats it?

I am so confused! He told me that our marriage is strong and that we can get through this, but if it was so strong, why did this happen?

There just seems to be no end to all this, we have appointment to go to therapy today and i don't even know if he is coming. He wants me to wake up in the morning and not think about this but how can I? it is easy for him because he got it off his chest but now i have to deal with the pain.

I understand the rollercoaster ride of emotions your feeling, we didn't purchase a ticket for this ride, we just have to hang on.

I told my H that I don't care how bad of a mood he is in, that I am his partner and I care and that it is ok to vent (as long as he told me that he was venting, I wouldn't take it personally).

I explained to my H that my need to talk about everything was not to punish him but to help me desensitize myself to the anger over the A. ( I compared it to a well known police beating case, the more you see it the less you are affected by it) does that make sense to you? That way when we went to therapy I could talk rationally (and not cry) and try do work on what was wrong with us.

Go to therapy if he show's up great, if not work on yourself, learn how to deal with him without upsetting yourself. I pray for you that he does come. Let me know how everything goes, I care and I'm there for you, My fellow BS.

GP

While we went to therapy and it seems that we both want things to work out but i just can't stop thinking about what happened and it is hard not to ask questions. Yesterday I saw the ow and she even had the nerve to give me a dirty look. I went into my hasbands office and just started to shake. I thought i was going to be sick.

last night was another night were he tries to test me and i seem to fail everytime. but why is it i am the one being tested? the therapist even told him just to be honest and don't play games. but he does not see it that way.

he told me that the headaches that he has is because of all this and that he regerts telling me. Because he that i could deal with it. but it is clear that i can't.

i think they my friends and h are right when they say that i am not going to get pass this. the thing is i try to say to myself that i can but i really don't think i can. and what is going end up happening is that I am going to keep talking and asking questions and being depressed that then he is going to throw up his hands and say forget and that he can't live like this.

this morning he is in a bad mood because of work and i am very depressed because of what is happening but i have to be in a good mood when i talk to him or his is not going to call.

last week he was being very caring and now he is just being a jerk. he hasn't even told me that he loves me.

i sound like such an idiot. the thing is is that i can't believe that this is my life right now. I can't believe that this is happening to me!

i have been with my h since i was 16 i don't know anything else. and i don't know how i would be with out him. we have to kids that we love but i can't even believe that he would do this. Last night at dinner he tells the kids how much he loves them and the my son turns and says that mommy and daddy have to take care of us.

it seems that we get along in front of the kids, because they have already seen to much.

i am suppose to go to therapy on my own tommorow and even the therapist asked me if he was coming because he wants to work on the marriage or if i am forcing him. he tells me that it is because he wants to work on the marriage.

but who really knows

has anyone here separated for a while and then got back together? maybe we should try that? maybe i will be off if we are apart for a days or weeks?

we are suppose to go to new york next week end for our 6 year anv. i told him i am going whether he comes or not.

Help need some help today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

mjr -

Oh, please, you're just supposed to get over all of this is a week? Tell your husband I have bad news for him. It takes months and months, and sometimes even years to get over such a betrayal. And that is when the betrayer is willing to work on the marriage.

However, we can support you in doing the things you need to do to begin recovering. Please keep reading here, and start in Plan A. Usually WS's are not that sorry, or helpful right after D-day. But if you take care of yourself and follow the plan, it may be easier for him to "get it".

Read all about it here. When your husband "has a bad day", you can be understanding. But it cannot be all about him, him, him.

The Harley's also suggest that you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together. Are you able to do that?