My H and I have been married nearly 17 years. He has been unfaithful in the past. I'm currently trying to decide if I'm being a paranoid idiot or if I have reason to be concerned.

He hired an assistant in October. She is eight years older than him and not exactly pretty. She is a pleasant, intelligent, efficient lady. They "click". They spend a lot of time together. They share an office and take day trips together. They also went on a four night trip together.

A month ago I confronted both of them with my feelings. Basically, I said I felt uncomfortable with the amount of time they spend together and was hoping that they might make some adjustments. Nothing happened. They set off the next morning at seven and didn't return until ten that night.

Because this further upset me, H said he was seriously considering a divorce. He said he was tired of being with someone who didn't trust him. So the next month was spent trying to come up with a separation agreement. Now, things have calmed down and he acts as if he's not sure whether he really will leave after all.

To me, a huge consideration is whether or not anything is going on between these two. One minute I really think there is, the next I'm afraid I'm just being stupid.

As far as history,at first she acted as if she was my friend, wanting to e-mail me and talk to me whenever I stopped by the office. In the past couple of months she has spoken less and less to me. She acts uncomfortable when I am around. When H calls and she is around, he always seems short and distant. He does not act this way when his other employees are with him.

He says his attitude has developed because of my accusatory nature. I don't want to be falsely feeling something. I just don't have a clue what to think. Any thoughts on this?

my biggest concern is his lack of realizing what his actions are doing to you. what the heck are his boundries for himself....after being through this its as if he hasnt learned a thing....that alone would scare the beejeebies out of me...

Exactly... Let's just say best case scenario is they're totally innocent. He still doesn't seem to care that I'm hurting. He just gets upset that I'm questioning their relationship. He doesn't care to do anything about it.

That in it self is a huge concern. So that still leaves me wondering what my response to him should be. Do I just go on his claim of innocence until something manifests itself as being different than that? He considers her very essential to his business right now.

How many times that you know of? When was the last time you know of? How did you deal with his infidelities as a couple?


You know, one does not exclude the other !

LOL



And the message here is ~~~~ your feelings and discomfort are not important. Not to her. And , not to your husband. Why is that? What was your manner of expressing your concerns to both of them?


Let me get this straight. You are not supposed to communicate any uncomfortable feelings you have to your husband? Is this just about it in a nutshell? Or was the way you communicated to him not-so-good?


Does this mean your husband saw an attorney? Was this a mutual way of thinking that you agreed with, or did your husband do this on his own?


Is this perhaps because you are now behaving correctly ... and you understand that under no circumstances are you to communicate your discomfort to your husband?


Well, that's important too. But, please do not lose sight of the real issue which gives your marriage it's current lack of satisfaction ... there seems to be no mutual respect.

Does your husband respect you and your feelings?

Do you respect your husband and his feelings?

Is this balanced respect between you vs an imbalanced situation?

Somehow, I think this is the real issue. He does not respect that you are hurting. He could easily make changes to make you more at ease, but he choses not to .... EVEN IF you have zero reason to be suspicious. He should care about you enough to want to make sure you feel comfortable when he is out of your sight.


Feelings cannot be stupid. They are just feelings, not facts.

You have legitimate reasons to be very attentive to your husband and his activities. I think so ... because he apparently does not care how uncomfortable you are and he makes no bones about that.


I think there is disrespect, you know this, and that hurts you.

Why don't you hire a PI to have him followed.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Pep,

As usual, you made some excellent points. You have nailed the nail on the head with the "real" issue- respect. There is a tremendous lack of it in this relationship.

I guess I continually question how much of that disrespect is justified? I've tried to be a good wife yet I never seem to meet the "impossible standard". When he gets angry about my distrust, I feel guilty. Maybe he's right and I shouldn't be questioning his relationship with his assistant? Maybe, I haven't thought the best of him and I've been too accusatory and suspicious. Even though he initially destroyed my trust, I believe in second chances.(And third and fourth...) I wouldn't want to misjudge someone.

Let's see in answer to your questions... He has been unfaithful several times. Two of the times, he moved out, ended the affair and then came back home. There have also been several questionable "friendships". With H, it seems his affairs are typically of the emotional variety. There was one which was also sexual.

We have been to counselors, but I don't know that we ever dealt with the "root" problem. Most of the counseling was done as individuals. At times, things were good for us but then eventually, things would deteriate.

My manner in communicating things to them... I was calm and kind in my conversation with her. I told her I felt she was doing an excellent job as H's assistant. I was not condeming in the least. I just said I felt I needed to express my concerns to her.

I was the same way with my H the first time. After I spoke to her, he became angry and distant. So when we next talked when he was with her on their trip, I was upset. At that point, I said, "This is the reason things do not work between us. You are treating me so coldly while she sits right there next to you..." That conversation did not end well. So maybe, I didn't communicate so well that time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

As far as the PI idea, possibly. At this point, I think if there's anything at all, it's probably emotional. The "I think you're wonderful" We're working towards the same goal of building the business...etc. etc. So the PI probably wouldn't find much happening between them, just conversation which isn't adultery. Legally, that is the only thing that counts.

Anyhow, thanks so much for writing. Your words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

Let me ask you a doozie hypothetical:

Let's say you come to the conclusion that you can no longer live with this level of disrespect, and you recognize your husband is not motivated to change.... pretend for a moment you are there

what is your next move?

Pep

Great question, Pep. That is where I am. But I don't have a real plan. Please excuse me for being rude, but please see my thread, if you will?

Leah,

I have concerns with my H and coworkers, mostly because he lies about his interactions with them and I don't understand why, unless there is something to hide or compulsively lying.
Will your H go back to MC? It sounds like that helped some. It sounds like the Harleys could really help you. Do YOU believe that you are too suspicious?
Why do you think that your H ignores your concerns? Do you have a problem with boundaries? Do you have self-esteem probs?
I am not trying to quiz you to death, I am trying to understand better. I myself think that I have a prob with boundaries. Not explaining or defining, but enforcing!!

I hope somone else jumps in here, cause I still don't know what the "right" way is to enforce boundaries.

jls

Leah,

I see that you are still giving H all the power. Why is he the one who is looking at separation when surely it should be you??? You've needed to be in Plan B forever, but he's got you so scared that you'll be penniless/powerless that he can keeps repeating this same destructive pattern over and over. He is incredibly disrespectful towards you. Please consider trying something new chere....what you're doing has not changed a thing. hugs!!

Hi Starfish,
Thanks for popping in. Yes, we're still struggling. I've been to see a lawyer. The whole situation is quite complicated. I'm trying to do something different. It's not going to be an easy process. I just want to be sure I'm not making an unfair judgement of my H. But, you are right that things need to change. Thanks.

Jlseagull,
Yes, I have problems with enforcing boundaries. At times I can be indecisive and unsure of myself. I am working on all these things. I wish you the best in your journey.

Pep,
Your question is one I've been trying to answer for a long time. I've found myself at the point of feeling I could no longer accept the disrespect here but about then, H will change enough that I'm still here.

I believe if I were "all the way there" I would take the girls and leave. But with that decision would come a whole lot of pain and heartache. I've thought long and hard about all of it, and know there would be a HUGE price to pay if I make that decision. That is a decision I might be forced to make. Thanks again for your input.

Jlseagull said:


The right way to enforce boundaries is to throughly know yourself. If you don't , you aren't enforcing anything.

When raising children, don't you set limits? How do you decide on limits for children? By recognizing when certain behavior is NOT in the child's best interests. This could mean a limit to eating sweets. Or a limit to watching TV. Or it could also mean not allowing a child to sass their parent, because it is not in the best interest in the child to have that sort of power .... to scold or belittle the parent.

And what happends when a child crosses over the limit? There is some sort of corrective action taken by you, the parent. Something to set the child back on course. And whatever the corrective action is, depends on the particular child as well as the circumstances. You know what I mean.

Now here you are, wondering about how to enforce a marital boundary that is needing enforcing.

The first step is to recognize where your limitations of power are. You cannot change anyone by nagging, or re-explaining for the 1000th time how you feel, or yelling. This is not how to enforce a boundary. This is how to make yourself into a tiresome nag. It is unattractive, and does nothing to grow love or respect for each other.


Understand your boundary first. Really think about it. Write about it. Then get it down to an essence where it can be explained in very simple terms. Like in one sentence.

Then communicate your boundary in strong terms. Such as: "I will not live with a man who is cheating on me."... or... "I will not stay in this house if you are drinking." Be specific. This is why it needs to be thought out very completely before it is communicated.

A boundary is not wishy-washy and vague. It is an important declaration of who you are, and where your level of personal protection is drawn. Very important stuff.

And there must be a plan of what you are willing to do if the boundary is not honored. This is something you do, NOT something you expect someone else to do .... for instance, removing yourself either for a little while or permanently, you decide.

Have you ever tried to really know and love someone with little or no self respect? It is tiresome isn't it? A person who sets no limits, or sets limits then moves them because they don't have a real sense of self respect .... that person is not easy to admire. Just easy to use.

So

know and study yourself
communicate clearly
have a plan
follow through

that's pretty much it

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Leah,

My FWH had a LTA. It was on and off, with some periods of no contact for a few years. Over the past two years in my quest for information, my own reflection, and much reading I have learned alot about affairs.

I don't believe that we are usually "paranoid" for no reason. Especially after previous infidelity or when it involves someone in the workplace. In is a "gut" instinct. Some people (like me) have stronger instincts than others. Over time I learned to distrust mine since I was told I was distrusting, insecure, paranoid, etc.

I don't think it even matters how the other person looks! It didn't in my FWH's case. Many affairs (especially in the workplace) begin as genuine friendships without any physical attraction. Or they are fueled my the time spent together, especially if one of them is a good listener. The understanding they find transends looks.

The fact that your H got defensive (even threatening divorce!) over your questioning about their relationship I think is also cause for concern. Dr. Phil says, "Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior" and he has cheated before, right?

I can understand your need to know. I think you should do everything in your power to find out if he is cheating. Certainly for your own piece of mind, no matter what happens with your marriage.

Although your suspect an EA, I think the fact that "she" is avoiding you speaks volumes and would point to guilt and a crossing of the line. Since it would be harder to discover a workplace EA, maybe you should look for signs of a PA first.

To that end, there must be some way you can discover the truth. I have no idea about your life, so don't laugh at my ideas. Get creative! Can you drop in his office unannounced after hours? You can weave this into something plausable if you need to, "I was at .... and thought we might be able to sneak off for a drink/coffee/dessert...?" Check the parking lot to see if they are there? I am a rather imaginative person so I'd have plenty of ideas, lol.

I don't think I will ever let my guard down again after what I have been through. This includes a polygraph if I deeply suspect further infidelity. Keep your chin up and don't feel AT ALL guilty for your suspicions!

BTW, we sound very similar in personality and I can see that my FWH's personality is very similar to your H's. I am understanding and overly empathetic, poor at setting boundaries, easygoing, and tend to see the good in others. FWH is able to compartmentalize (work, home, etc), has high expectations, orderly, super dependable, and very honest (except about fidelity). We have changed over the past two years since DDay, and FWH is more empathetic and less rigid in his expectations. I feel he has been humbled by this and I can see he is less judgmental of others and more understanding.

I am curious, how did you discover the other affairs?