Hi all

Haven't posted for a short while - been busy and away with work which has taken my mind off everything at home, but today I'm back at my desk at home and feeling bad again. Spent a sleepless night with everything just going round in my head - H snoring quietly next to me!

Still not sure how to link to my previous post, Saving M vs Career,

Basically, to update, he is a teacher and has been having A with other teacher at school. Found out a couple of weeks ago, but really knew for quite a while.

He now says there is NC other than the fact that he has to work with her in school, until at least the end of this term. Agreed that we need to move house and he needs to get new job. Then he was offered promotion at current school - revealed A to head of department (a step forward I think, and I hope I gave enough support here), who suggested accepting the promotion, but making clear to the headteacher that he was looking for another job at the same time.

Now, however, he seems just to be wanting to sweep everything that has happened under the carpet - just carrying on completely as if everything was normal. Although he says that he will find another job, he only has a couple of weeks to find one for next term (Sept), and there is no real evidence that he is actually doing this. I have looked on the websites for him, and made some lists of possibles for him, but he seems to have an excuse why every one is not right, and also expresses concerns about the difficulty of selling the house. I'm obviously concerned here that his actions don't seem to fit what he is saying, and that if he doesn't really want to get another job, then he won't - obviously. How should I try to support/encourage without coming across as too pushy?

He also doesn't seem to be going through any of the withdrawal symptoms that others here describe - although cell records online suggest that he hasn't texted her recently, which was a big part of their lives. I'm obviously worried because there is still contact every day at school, and very worried that he's not active in looking for a new job. For the first two weeks he seemed much more sensitive to how I was feeling, but now things seem to have gone back more to how they were before - me working hard, washing, ironing, making food ... us not spending enough time together - him watching football all the time. He seems to want to push my hurt to somewhere where he doesn't have to face it at all. It is just being ignored now mostly.



HELP (again!) how should I approach this - I'm not doing so good in Plan A but I'm trying - I'm finding it very difficult to deal with my own hurt (and trying to hold down a stressful job!) and trying not to constantly bring up the A, although I still have a mountain of 'sick' questions that I want to ask just to make him face up to what he has done to me.


Sorry for having to lay all this on you all again, when most of you are still in your own difficult places. Hope some (most?) people here are having a better day than I am!

Take care world.

unhappy_badger

Hi UB,

I recall your story. Sorry you are still feeling down in the dumps. See if you can call Steve @ MB. As for the sweeping it under the rug and moving forward without consquences, of course that is what a WS would want but not your real H. So get with Steve and get a plan.

Review Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs along with taking the EN questionnaire again. ok?

L.

Unhappy_budger, I was wondering about you and this situation and I’m sorry to hear things aren’t going well… Here is a link to your previous thread (if that may help):

Saving M vs career

I remember on the above thread you said you’re going to suggest to your H that he can take the promotion, on the basis that he would look for another job for next year AND with the proviso that the A should be exposed at work (in their dept, and among the teachers).

What happened to the exposure at work? I doesn't sound if the A was exposed to anyone at his work at all... I think this is the first thing you must bring under your H's attention but please make sure you read the last post I've send to you on the previous thread (on the 2nd page).

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks both of you for your replies.

It's just good to know there is someone out there.

I suppose what I'm really feeling is that I just don't know whether we are moving forward at all. There has been a lot of talk, and I did feel that H speaking to his head of department and exposing A to her was a positive step, but I feel that that is as far as it has gone.

His words say 'we need to move house, I will look for another job, I will accept the consequences of what I have done', but the actions seem to imply 'I will do this at my own speed, selling the house will be difficult' which I (perhaps as a result of my heightened paranoia at the moment) read to mean 'I won't accept anything but a perfect job, and none will match up to what I have at the moment, we won't be able to move, so it is going to be impossible for this September'. Meanwhile I have to deal with them at work together every day - they even job-share a management position in the school!

For a short while he was being extra sensitive, remorseful etc, and now it just isn't mentioned unless I mention it. He is willing to talk about it, but I can feel that he is getting fed up of me asking about it, so I am trying to give him a bit of a break.

The fact that he isn't suffering the degree of withdrawal described by many others here, and the fact that there clearly is still contact, even if it is just professional, makes me worry that the A isn't over, even though the cell bill suggests he isn't contacting her that way at the moment.

I just feel so suspicious all the time, and also sad that after two weeks of spending more quality time together he seems to think that everything is fixed.

At least Relate have rung with an appointment for counselling starting on the 9th May. Maybe that will help?

Thanks again for your support

unhappy_badger

Yesterday, I listened to Joyce Harley's radio program with Dr. Willard Harley. He told a caller that real recovery cannot start or happen until there is NC between the A partners ('lover's') for life. He did say that NC is necessary even if there will be serious financial repercussions.

He says that in Surviving an Affair and all of his materials. You can't just sweep it under the rug and continue to see the A partner -at all-. He is fooling himself if he believes that it is possible to work in the same school as the OW and still recover his marriage.

Hello, I understand your feelings all to well. My husband also had an affair with a fellow teacher. I have read your posts and can empathize with what you are going through. My husband also acted in a similar way that you describe until “he got it.” I could not heal when he still worked with her (the trust was gone). Also, there was a long period of time when he was still talking to her and she was giving him support and admiration while we were having problems because of the affair. This slowed his ability to really understand the severity of his actions and how it affected our marriage. Counseling is really a must and hopefully you will find a good counselor that will address the issues. He needs to get that his affair has a cost and that cost is your peace of mind. He should be actively doing everything he can to help you. It sounds like your gut is telling you that he may still be involved. This is likely given his attitude and lack of initiative to set things right. When my husband was still seeing OW (even after the physical part had cooled) he just wanted it to “go away” and didn’t grasp the fact that could not continue as if things were normal. He needs to fully face why he had the affair and make amends to you. This is your right. He needs to feel the full remorse of what he has done. You will see the difference in his behavior and attitude when this happens. He will be the one working hard at trying to restore your trust and faith by being an open book and realizing that your trust has to be earned with whatever it takes.

Take care of yourself and remember that you have needs too.

I'm here again

Thanks for all your thoughts and ideas so far.

We had a really bad night last night. Got into discussion about the job situation, and the fact that I didn't feel his actions were matching his words. He said 'this is how I've always been, you know that' (this is true!). He asked why this was just a 'one issue campaign' (reference to UK election tactics here) - and that it always comes down to him not having done enough to move job, and why didn't I notice all the things that he was doing to try and fix what was wrong with our marriage before the A. I tried to get through to him that I recognise and am very happy about the fact that we are spending more time together, that he has joined the gym I go to, that we are a bit closer, but that I find it personally very hard (impossible?) to deal with the fact that he sees OW every day at school, and this causes me hurt and paranoia that any day he could choose to pick up with her where he left off. (I am trying very hard to believe him when he says that it is over). He does seem remorseful for what has happened, and the hurt caused - but at the moment that remorse is split fairly equally between the hurt he has caused me and the hurt he has caused her!!!! 'I've hurt the two people that I most cared about'

At some point, I don't remember exactly what it was, I lost it, and said, relatively calmly that I couldn't do it anymore, and tried to leave the room. I needed to have a good cry, by myself, but given my mental state (and previous mental states) H was obviously concerned that I might do something stupid and refused to leave me alone. I cried like I've never cried before - just complete wailing, screaming - he just held me, and I think he cried too.

I think maybe now he is starting to understand the hurt that I am trying to get over, and that is getting in the way of me being able to deal with everything else that I know needs to be fixed. When we both calmed down (a long time later) we agreed that I would help him to start thinking about how to apply for a job. He's still not confident, and feeling pressured into it, but maybe things will improve from here - who knows.

I don't think I've been doing well at all on the Plan A idea - I'm just feeling so hurt and angry, and feel that he should be doing more of the work, to make up for what he has put me through.

Going to try to get appointment with doctor to go back on ADs - been on them several times before, depression one of the root causes of our problems ... really struggling to try and do any work - I work from home, so am not surrounded by people, and it's very easy (as now) just to sit at computer in dressing gown, not really working at all.

Better go and get something done - at least clean teeth and get dressed. Thanks for listening to me waffle on ... any other advice or thoughts very welcome

still very unhappy_badger

Hi, sorry you had a bad night. It's good that he was able to see your pain without getting too defensive and that he has agreed to find another job. It is frustrating that he still cares so much about the OW and her feelings. She knew he was married and what she was getting into but you had no choice. Whatever problems you had in your marriage does not excuse or justify his affair. It sounds like you are taking on too much of the blame. Not that those issues shouldn't be looked at but his affair HAS caused a situation where his choices have caused his situation there to be unbearable to you and rightly so. He says he cares about the "friendship" he had with her. That is NO friendship. Friends don't have affairs with friends. Has he explained the extent of his relationship with her to your satisfaction? Do you know or want to know the details? Has he told you why he turned to another woman and how it happened?

I don't know how it is on the "other side of the pond" but I do know working in a school situation like that is very intimate. My husband thought others at school didn't know about his affair but found out that most everyone either knew or suspected. Human nature sucks sometimes and his coworkers felt some loyalty to them as a "couple" since they knew both of them and not me. It's pretty impossible to hide that kind of relationship from others. They sense the "glow" from the interaction. My husband had to leave his job, not because he was having problems working there, but because I could not heal and feel comfortable with the situation and the constant reminder of the hurt he caused me by his bad choices. He had a good job, good pay, seniority, close to home but when I thought about the future and how I would really feel about him staying there, I was honest enough with myself to realize that I didn't want to live with such an uncomfortable situation. The fact that he made the effort and found a new job (even though it wasn't as good a situation for him) has gone a long way toward our recovery.

I know it's hard to trust your gut when you want to believe him but if I learned anything, it was if something was really bothering me, if the doubts didn't go away, there was usually a good reason for it. We want to believe the person we love, loves us enough not to hurt us especially when they see our pain but often they are not as concerned as they should be. It is selfish to have an affair and until he really see it for what it truly is, he will not be able to help you feel safe.

As far as exposing the affair at work, I thought of that too. I even wrote a letter I never sent since he changed jobs. The secrecy creates a situation that bonds them to the OW and excludes you. It creates an atmosphere that too easily enables the affair to continue or start up again. It seems that all you have is his word that it's over and his word hasn't been all that trustworthy.

My husband admitted that even though he wanted the situation to just "go away" and thought he had dealt with it, he didn't understand the full ramifications until he got into counseling and really took a good long look at himself which is still ongoing. He had a lot of growing up to do.

Hang in there! These boards are a lifesaver.

Help

I just can't concentrate on my work today. Important deadline pressing for a piece of written work - I know deadline is there, and I just can't settle to do it.

All I can do is cry, or sit not taking anything in. Just can't think. I'm feeling that this is real depression now (I have history), and don't know what to do, or how to cope.

Am seeing doctor tomorrow, but what to do about work today - I've told my line manager the situation, but he is away at the moment (on honeymoon!) and won't be back until after the deadline has passed. I work at home, so there is very little other support or personal contact.

How can I get happier in myself, or at least, how do I get through the immediate crisis and get some work done - I don't want to lost my job - seems like only good thing I have at the moment

very unhappy_badger

U-B I was a hopeless mess at work after d-day too. All I can suggest is that you tell a trusted manager at work and see what they can do to help you.

I asked my BIG boss and it transpired she was a FBS ! She empathised, gave me GREAT advice and a month's sabbatical on full pay.

I never dreamed I'd get that. Even now she is fantastic, asking privately how its going and offering advice from experience.

Try U-B. Don't let it get desperate. Take some sick time if needed.

{{{{U-B}}}}

You can try taking Sam-e, but you can't use it once you are on prescription Anti-D's. Also, there is something called Happy Camper. I've used homeopathics too. You can take Omega 3 Fish oil. If you are prone to depression that is not just situational (A related) then eventually you may want to look into the nutritional approach. Some supplements can't be used in conjunction with a anti-D meds. So, run it all by your doc.

Most of us BS's can totally relate with what you are going through. We've been there, done that. I remember feeling like I was going to curl up and die...couldn't eat, sleep, etc...felt like my whole body was shutting down. That is when I went to the Dr. for several months (about 8 months..a couple different times) of anti-d.

Thanks for your support ...

Trix - thanks for the meds advice - I think this time might be permanent ADs though - doctor says that taking, then not taking is worse for me than just taking all the time. We discussed if I had another major episode that would probably be it ... just keep taking the tablets.

Bob - thanks for the advice re work. I did explain to my line manager - and he suggested I take a day off work, which I did at the start. Now a couple of weeks down the line and still feeling really bad. Don't want to let my colleagues down, or land them with a lot of extra work (I'm part of a very small team, with very tight deadlines). Did get the directory out to ring human resources person, but in the end couldn't bring myself to. There isn't really anyone else I can talk to - only started this job in Nov, and work from home, so don't see people that often.

See my other post for details of tonights 'contact' installment - still feeling really down, and not handling it well, but hanging on ...

As others have said to me, these boards really are a lifesaver. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have all of you to talk to. Thank you for all your help.

u_badger

UB...I cried everyday for a solid 5 months. It helped me to tell myself that I could cry when I wanted to. When I had to get stuff done, I shoved my feelings down and became very cold knowing that it was temporary and I would be able to feel again when whatever I had to do was done. Cried until I got damn sick of crying and still cried. My counselor said the feelings had to come out but it was exhausting and I'm not totally out of the woods yet. Do something physical even if you don't feel like it. That helps some. Pamper yourself and be a little selfish even if you don't think it does any good. Sorry your in this hell of a limbo. It does get better.
-render