I've been posting here for some time now under a different screen name. I have a suspected WW. I can't pin her down on an affair - no smoking gun evidence, but plenty of circumstancial evidence. Now I'm guilty and too shamed to use my real screen name.

My exposure to OMW has caused me nothing but heartache since. I'm beginning to think my marriage can't be saved.

Now I'm guilty of the same thing I suspect my wife of. I've found an on-line female friend. Things almost immeadiately switched to telephone coversations. She lives nearby and last night I happened to be in her town and gave her a call. I stopped by we ended up at third base before I decided to go.

It felt so good to have someone hold me again. To be stroked and carressed. One part of me just wanted to stay another part said I have to get home.

I didn't feel guilty though. I just had thoughs of I'm doing the same thing that pissed me off. This can't be good for my marriage. But the biggest thought was how do I explain staying out to my wife.

She doesn't talk to me much at all anymore. I don't get any affection at home. I guess my taker is taking control after some much time of my needs not being met.

I'd tell you stop it right now. But I don't know what would happen to me in the same situation. Honestly one part of me envies you.

BUt in all honesty it can't be the right thing to do. Also think of the OW's feeling as well. Say this develops too far now you'll have all the issues of an affair from both sides. Doesn't sound like a good place to be.

Thanks Mark, but I am so confused at the moment. I was great to feel loved. IN some way it gave me some insight as how easy it is to get involved with someone else, gave me an appreciation of what my wife went through. A learning experience. Part of me still wants to see her again. She's single and knows all about me. Maybe it's denial that this won't hurt me or maybe it's my exit affair. I am so confused.

You are playing with fire, my friend. You are so vulnerable right now that you could fall in love with a tree if it waved a branch at you. Stay away from this woman!

And go home and tell your W what you have done. She needs to know that her own selfish behavior is destroying the love you have for her and that something needs to change. While she is sitting around trying to decide if she wants her marriage, it is going down the toilet. After awhile of this, there may be nothing TO SAVE if she keeps up this game of limbo.

Go lay your cards on the table and don't talk to this OW again.

No, you aren't confused at all. You just don't like the right answer. Go do the right thing and step away from this nonsense. Your self respect and your marriage are not worth the sacrifice of a few moments of feeling good.

Cruz...is that you? I really hope not...

If not, I'd like you to think back for a moment and remember that SICK feeling you had in your stomach when you first THOUGHT that your possibly WW (PWW) might be having an affair...it surely sucked didn't it? It sounds like you don't KNOW that PWW is actually having an A unless the OMW told you they were having an A.

Now, let's assume for a minute that PWW may NOT be having an affair...by your actions with that girl, you inflicted that hurt on her...and that ain't right.

Like Melody said, put ALL of your cards on the table with PWW...your suspicions AND you poor behavior with that girl, re-affirm your committment to your M and seek pro-marriage MC quickly.

Honesty is really the best policy.

Cruz, if this is you, now is the time to file for a D...your story breaks my heart every time I think about our similarities and how we both have made por choices in life.

Don't let this be another in a string of poor choices.

End it with WW and move on in your life...I am REALLY pulling for you!

If it is you, please PM me.

WNB

Listen to Mark. Unlike Mel and I, he's in the throes of being a BS like you and still knows the right answer.

This is a Marriage Building site.

How can we help you? Are you interested in building your marriage?

Susan

OMG Cruz, if this is you, you know better guy.

This is how your last marriage started and first marriage ended. Remember?

And if you are not Cruz, then please don't spread more pain and heartache around. You think you need the arms of another woman around you to make you feel better. What you need to do is get into a Plan to either save or end your current marriage, so that down the road you can have a great love with someone.

And maybe with Plan A/Plan B it could still be with your wife.

Please, no more pain and destruction. The buck stops with you, it has to.

First off I'm not Cruz.

I spent my lunch hour sitting out in my car with cell phone in hand. I called OW but it went to voice mail. I then went to call WW (FWW?) at work and I couldn't ask for her. I don't know what to say. She is just very short wiuth me and I think it bothers her if I call at work just to ask how her day went. I dive around looking for a friend that was home - no luck. I just need to cry or something. All my confidants at work (2) are not in today, when I need them most.

I can't stand the fence sitting my wife has been putting me through either. She draining the desire to go on from me. I am not happy. I forget what happy is. I got some temporary relief last night and I had to peel myself away.

I wish I could just be on a desert island right now, I don't want to deal with the world.

I can never confess this probably much the same way my wife cannot not admit anything about hers, if she even had one. But why all the secrecy?

All I though about last night is how long its been and how good it feel if it was my wife doing this.

I just want everything right - right now.

Oh, YES you can confess this to your W. You need to knock this crap off and stop with the self pity party. You know what you need to do and that is to stop calling this OW - who doesn't give a CRAP about you anyway - and tell your W the truth. Your marriage doesn't have a hope in hell as long as you are BOTH keeping secrets, Mark.

So suck it up and start thinking about how you can tell your wife. Believe me, I know you are worn out, but there are saner ways of dealing with this than an affair with a some bimbo who doesn't give a damn about you.

I have a strong suspicion who your alter ego is, but that's not important.

It's clear you're in crisis mode and you need some direct help. Please consider contacting a crisis center. Get a referral to a shrink. This is a sign of strength - not weakness. It takes a strong person to admit they need help.

OK?

WAT

I'm on anti-d's and in therapy (IC).

I'm just having such a hard time with things. This woman and I have been talking on the phone nearly daily for a while. Last night started innocently enough. I sat in a chair while she sat on the coach. I just found my self getting closer and closer until we were holding hands and eyes were real close.
Then....

Do I want this woman? Not at all sure. I think I want what she represents, but I want it from my wife.

I logically know I have to stop this if I am to survive...

Do you think if you talked to your WW (?) about this she would understand that your marrige is seriously in jeopardy and might begin to change?

It most definately is not the OW you want. End it with her completely before more people end up hurt. You want your WW (?) to treat you like the OW does and to be intimate with you, as you have said.

I'ld let her know this meesedup, she deserves to know and you deserve for her to have a chance to wake-up before you really do get yourself a divorce.

And there is something very cleansing about having a good long cry. Maybe you could get yourself a good latte or chai tea and go park someone private and have a good cry.

Hang on messedup, you can handle this and do the right thing both.

If yuo want those "things" from your wife, I can GUARANTEE that you won't get them from some woman you met on the Internet.

If your REAL goal is to get those "things" from your wife, having a PA with a near-stranger is taking you in the WRONG direction!

Life is about CHOICES! "Do or do not...there is no try". STOP all contact with your OW and put ALL of your cards on the table with your wife! One way or the other, dealing HONESTLY with your problems is the ONLY way to fix them. If they are unfixable, at least you will have closure, KNOWING that you were HONEST and things still didn't work out.

There is NOTHING good to come from an A...EVER!!!! As my name implies, I WAS a WH, now I am a BS and you CANNOT imagine the pain that such LYING, DECEIT and DISHONESTY brings to a relationship with someone you love.

Get help...be honest...repeat

I hope you make the RIGHT CHOICE...

WNB

I think my WW would use this as her final excuse to leave. It makes me a terible hypocrite. If nothing else it has been an eye opener on how easy it is to fall prey when your needs are teribly neglected.

With all this therapy going on I now start asking myself if I want to precipitate my divorce. It's not what I want, but listening to my wife saying how our whole marriage was wrong that she never really loved me and put up a front for all these years. It starts rubbing off on me too. I can't see how me and my wife will ever be happy again.

Maybe I'm insuring myself a soft place to fall.

So you plan on lying to her in order to keep her on the plantation when you think she would choose to leave if she knew? In other words, you want to manipulate her into staying by lying to her. Just where does one get that kind of power?

Ouch and to the point. Now for the courage. Think I'll join WW tonight at sons little league game. Better than calling OW yet again.

OK step one complete. Broke it off with OW. Did it in a way to make her angry at me. In other words I burnt that bridge behind me. This way I can't go back.

Spoke with my IC about this episode in my life. He called it another attempt to sabotage my marriage. Told me to watch out for OW feelings and 'Fatal Attaction' came up.

If my marriage ends this is not how I want to out.

Not me WNB, but thank you so much for your concern.

No matter how bad my situation - and it is pretty bad - I will never cheat again. I will not even put myself in a situation where I might meet some one so long as I remain married.

MessedUp - PLEASE listen to these folks. Take the high road. No matter what ends up happening with your marriage, you NEED TO KNOW when all is said and done that you still have your integrity and self worth. Without those things rebuilding your current marriage or starting a new life will be that much harder. Tell her what you did MU. Look her in the eyes and tell her what you did and why.