I need some advice. Currently, at least until DS's graduation, I'm doing Plan A. WH has been uncommunicative and distant. Not that that is anything new.

Indications are that WH is feeling very depressed. He TM-ed me a message to that affect. He called his parents last night on his own initiative for the first time in a long time. He told them that he was feeling depressed and burned out at work. He didn't speak to his parents of anything except his work and sports. Nothing about relationships. I think he's lonely and overworked. I have a feeling that perhaps OW isn't around as much.

Oh wise MB-ers, is this a time to open the door? How would I do this? Should I do this? Our kids have a great deal of anger against their dad. I'm tired of the lies but I also wish for our family to be back together. Maybe this is a point where he is vulnerable and Plan A might make a difference.

Thoughts? Strategies? 2x4's?

OH, GRAPE!!!

Take the kids out of this! This is between you and your H. He is calling out to you for help. This is the shadow man who now seems willing to open up to YOU about his feelings. It is your job to try to NURTURE HIM. You of all the people in the world know best how to do this. So look deep within yourself, ask help from the SPIRIT, use your intuition. How can you best help him right now? YOU KNOW THIS!!!

Mimi, I'm glad you answered. I feel so uncertain. It was a weird week. Saturday was strange. I'm sure you've read those posts. I've felt stronger.

I'm not sure where to start. I fear rejection. I fear my reactions. Should I ask him out? Should I tell him about DS getting accepted in his college? Should I ask him dinner.

A few clues here. My inituation is shut down. I'm need some divine guidance.

help!

I would invite him out to a place where you can talk. FEEL THE FEAR (of rejection) AND DO IT ANYWAY.

The key word is NURTURANCE. I hear that's what he wants right now. He wants you to take care of him at the time when you least want to. I know. It doesn't make logical sense. The OW does not have a clue about how to do this. You do. I think you will know what to do and what to say when you are with him.

Bob Pure gave you some great advice. You need have courage enough to invite him home and tell him that you want to work on your marriage and that would be the only way to do it. This is PLAN A. Definitely not time for PLAN B yet!

Remember my quote from Eleanor Roosevelt (A BW, BTW):

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Better yet, can you invite him over to the house, with the kids gone, having cooked his favorite meal? How about a HULA DANCE? (just kidding- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) That might be a bit much!!

However, a toga and pink sunglasses might not be a bad idea!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I just took a long walk and have been thinking about what to do. I don't have a lot of free time without kids right now. He's suppose to be very busy right now, too.

Here's the one plan I came up with. Suggestions and mutations welcome. My instincts are all caught up in emotion.

I think I'm going to TM him. Texting is new to us and I think I can deal with it. Not too impersonal? I'm not sure I can handle talking on the phone right now. I'd email him but he told me he's getting like 300 a day and can't keep up. Here's what I texted: "I'm very concerned about you. Would you like to talk?" Or the same but say Would you like to meet at XXXX at X p.m.?

I could send it now and try for a meeting tonight. Or, I can send it later tonight for him to get at a less busy and perhaps more vulnerable time.

HELP!

OK. Text:
"I'd like to meet with you at X at XXXX PM to talk" He'll say YES. Don't leave it up to him. He's an alien. Not thinking clearly.

Okay, I just texted, "I'm very concerned about u. I'd like to meet later to talk." Too vague? I'm only free this evening between 5-6 and after 9 (and DD won't go to bed without me around these days.)

AHHHHHHHHHH We'll see....

DD will need to get over that. Didn't you leave her and go to London? After 9 will do....

Will check back after the gym. Let me hear from you.....

Nothing back yet. Usually, he gets a little break around 5. The guy is really busy. His place of employment defintely gets more than their moneys worth out of him. We will see. If I don't hear anything, I'm going to give him a call on my way back from my dance class. I can talk to him in the privacy of my car. If someone TM that they are very depressed and you never hear back from them, I'd say it's cause for concern. I will use that as a pretext for my call.

Who knows, I may just get have to leave a message.

BTW: my poor DD is flipped out about many things. She doesn't like to be alone in the house at all. She's been sleeping with me since WH left on his trip. While I was gone, I think she slept in her brother's top bunk. I'm hoping it's just a stage and try not to get to bothered about it. As she becomes more of a teenager, it will all change. I do like to be home early-ish on school nights.

It's morning and it's getting stranger. Last night by 9, I hadn't heard anything back from WH. I called both his cell and work phones and left a message that I was concerned and could he please call me.

About 10:30 pm, I got a TM that said, "I need a few days of separation from you, XXXXX (his work) & you know who" Interesting. I had my cell by my bed (I don't usually) so I got the message right away.

The tone sounds a bit desperate. I sent texted back asking if he knew what his plans are and did he need someone to talk to? Then I left a voice message on his phones.

Too much? I'm not going to contact him again until he calls me.

This is the effect of exposure. He is feeling some shame about his A. It is loosing its thrill.

I would suspect that he has gone to spend sometime with her in order to try to get his high again.

He knows you care, wanting to cake-eat, therefore, he is pretending that he is not spending time with her. Unfortunately, he probably is with her.

Yes, leave it be. You did the right thing.

Enjoy your sweet kids. He is fully aware of what he is losing. It's his choice. You can't save him from himself.

Thanks Mimi. He could be at Slimeball's. She works too. According to his parents, WH was disturbed and depressed when he called them. He has a lot of things to think through.

I am enjoying my kids. Later today, I have an appointment with a local university counselor about taking classes there. We'll see.

Here's the latest TM from WH as of yesterday evening. "I'm okay. & just need time for myself."

I've put myself into a wait-and-see pattern. I have not answered this TM and I'm not going to call or email him. I'm going to let him take the next step. WH can be the one to contact me next. It's a shame he hasn't called. We have some really good news to give him about DS.

Meanwhile, life goes on as usual. I'm thinking about what it would take to let WH come home. Counseling, STD tests, complete openness and accountability and more counseling. Major outreach to the kids. If he decides to live the life he's doing now, well, I've been planning a course for that.

WELL, ALRIGHTY, THEN!

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