Hey everyone,

Its been a long time since I have been here - thought I would pop in and say hi, read a few and tell you how it's going. For those who don't know me, I am the FWW.

It's been a little over 4 months now since DDAY and 3 months since I finally left the fog.

My H Sprint and I visited these boards alot in the early days of our recovery - full of love and hope.

Things are still going well for us - better for me. I have come a long way. I have read alot of books such as The Self-Confident woman, Torn Asunder, Healing from Shame - all christian based books that have helped me come so far.

I have been reading my bible, everyday and am full of prayer everyday, and bit by bit, I am starting to forgive myself for the things I did. Somedays are hard though - how we live right now, is not what I ever intended or wanted for us, and it's a reminder of how badly I screwed up the life I loved.

I realize that after having 3 surgeries in 6 months, the last one being a hysterectomy at the age of 27, I hit a big depression, and of course during that time, I thought I had it all figured out. I was very resentful to my H, and dwelled and obsessed with the negatives. Eventually this set me up to be in the perfect position to have the affair.

NONE of this was Sprint's fault, although in the early days of recovery I said many things, and blamed him for so much. This was all a depression where I obsessed and picked fights and made things out to be what they weren't. He was having a rough year, I was having a rough year....I cycled down to rock bottom and he tried to be there for me, and all I did was push him away and resent him more. What a horrible person I was then.

This is not me today - this is not me now. But the concequences and results of my downward depression are everywhere.

Sprint is doing the best he can. He is suffering from depression of some sort, which is to be expected with all I have put him through. He got to a point where he was having headaches everyday and couldn't remember what he even did that morning. He has reached a point now where - since he loves his job, he works as much as he can.

He is honest with me, he loves me - but now he feels that maybe the things I said in the fog were true - that maybe something is missing. He feels like I did then - that we are just roomates.

He had an opportunity early on for an affair, but couldn't do it. It is not in his nature perhaps? I am very grateful to the Lord he didn't go down that path, as I know the pain it causes to the adulter...

He is trying very hard to get through each day. I don't know what his thoughts of every moment are. I know he thinks things about me he doesn't want to. I told him he needs to get them out - and if he doesn't want to say them to me to hurt me, he has to say them to someone. he has to accept that he feels those things. He gets through one thing, then has another mountain to climb.

The hardest part for me is findng the balance. I am so in love with this man - my husband, the same way I was before I entered into my depression, and I want to express my love, but sometimes it's too much for him. So I try to just be his friend, and listen when he needs me to. He has been avoiding me alot the past week.

We had a really nice talk on the weekend though, and he was very comfortable with me - this is when he told me that he wasn't sure how he felt anymore - even though he still loved me.

He wants to be here and work it out and I am so grateful. I know it's going to take alot of time. We were so lovey dovey in the beginning, I think we may have rushed it on his part.

God gives me a tremendous amount of patience and strength and continues to help me heal and become healthy again from the depression. It's a hard struggle, as the results of my actions are everywhere all the time.

Right now I am going through a period of hatred - as much as my H wants to go kill the OM, right now I want to. I was out of withdrawl very fast, and was angry and didn't like him much, right now I hate him so much. I am sure this will pass as well as I continue my healing path with God.

Anyways - we are doing pretty good, and slowly and surely we are headed down the path. I am not going anywhere - I love my husband so much and with the help of my family, and God, and being through a major depression, I now know what to watch for in my personal thoughts and feelings, and I talk to my mom daily so she can watch over me, to avoid heading down a road of depression again.

As long as my H needs to heal from this, may it be 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 30 years, I am not going anywhere. He is what I want and I see that as clearly as they day I knew I wanted to marry him.

Anyways - that is my update - and this has almost been theraputic writing this out.

I may start coming back here more and more to get some advice, but I want to make sure my H is okay with it.

thanks for listening and I hope you are all doing well.

-deeplysorry

DS,

Welcome back. It is very good to hear of your recovery and how things are turning around. You mentioned that you are only 4 months past d-day and 3 months since the fog started to clear. That is not a very long time and you have done remarkably well in your recovery. Your H is very likely to take a lot longer, as he has to rebuild trust in you.

However, the bigger issue is trust in himself. I think if you were to ask him, he would tell you that he failed you. Yes, you made your choices, but he failed and he cannot trust that he is good enough or smart enough to know if you were to do the same thing again.

You can see where this is a complex thing and it will take time for him to sort this out, for he is the one that must heal. However, I believe that your current attitude reflects that you have the tools to help. Do get him to talk, touch him when you talk to him, or just go by him. Hold him when you can. Physical contact is a big thing.

But, you can do something else and that is start to discuss the future, and the lessons learned from the past. He may NOT want to discuss the times during your A, but I am sure he needs to hear what you have learned. What you see in the future for the two of you. You can gently, and carefully stear his mind to better things, which will gradually lead to him trusting again.

In the 4-6 month period it is often seen that the BS shows anger. if they avoid anger, the depression because they KNOW the marriage can make it, but they are now faced with the problem that THEY ARE THE PROBLEM. You are ready to go and rebuild and he is uncertain. Sort of a switch isn't it?

In any event I do hope you do start to post again. I hope your H comes back here again. You two are doing pretty well considering the time frame. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks

I have been very determined to get healthy again and be not only the person I was pre-depression, but someone better. My first focus has been myself, and my faith, and suprisingly I have discovered that it also helps how I feel about my husband.

The first month or two were hard. After 3 weeks of lying - which in my fog mind, was to protect him - he didn't need the full truth in my thoughts...I finally came out and told him everything.

For many weeks after that we had late nights and he had many questions which he forcd me to look at and deal with. I am so grateful he did. I believe had I been allowed to forget about it and bury it like I wanted to, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I truly believe that the A isn't the big issue for him right now. I believe that he is struggling more with the belief that he was wrong about me - the disappointment and pain he feels. He can't forget the things I said to him in my fog (not that I am asking him to) and believes that many of the things I said were true. In the early days of recovery I may have even agreed with him

Now - I see so clearly that NONE of this was his doing, none - it wasn't his neglet in the marriage, I made the neglect up in my delusional depressed mind. I created situations in which he would act a certain way, only to further my delusions.

I just hate to see him in so much pain and turmoil. I love him so much - no one wants to see the ones they love feel this way.

I know it will take time...I am not planning on rushing him. It's just nice to talk about it I guess. He is still very good to me - he never calls me names - or has angry outbursts - he is just very distant during this time. I am always reassured by remembering how much he does love me, and that he is still here - and he is just sorting things out.

-ds

DS,

I think you will do fine. Just keep reassuring him, and guiding him with your actions. You are clearly on the right path. While an A is NEVER a good thing, there is a depth now that wasn't there before isn't there? You two can talk about anything now and even know what it truely means to protect one another.

When you feel the distance in him, ask him how he is doing. When he says "fine" us guys are soo good with words. Give him a hug. He'll know many things from that.

God Bless,

JL

DS, Welcome back and thanks for posting to Froz. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

^bumping^

Hello DS ! Good to hear from you and to know you are progressing ! I posted up a 'paging DS & sprint" thread a while back but no reply !

You guys had an excellent and promising start to recovery, but its a rollercoater for everyone.

Tell Sprint I can empathise and sympathise but tell him life DOES improve. The road rises and falls, but always goes up out of the pain.

All blessings !

Thanks Bob! How is squid doing? When we left you had just found a councellor through the church - how did that pan out?

I just called Sprint at work and told him what you wrote - he said thank you. We had a good morning. He read my post last night and I had also sent him an I miss you an e-mail. We cuddled last night and as we fell asleep he told me he just wasn't sure about anything anymore. This morning we cuddled and had a little fun before he left for work, and he discussed his fears. He still has a hard time understanding how I could have chosen someone else no matter whether I was depressed/sick or not. He has alot of doubts.

I told him ultimately he is absolutely right. But that I am not that person anymore, I am the person he married. And that now that I have been through a major depression and know what kind of person I become in those major cycles of negativity, I can watch for signs in my moods and thoughts to avoid that ever happening again.

I asked him too, to think over the next weeks whether he wants me to do something for our anniversary or not. may 22 is our 6 year anniversary...I would love to do something, but I also know he may not be feeling up for it. I told him I need to take my cues from him. He told me he appreciated that and wanted me to know that if he chose to not acknowledge it - it had nothing to do with his love for me, or whether or not he wants to be here. I told him I understood that, which I do.

Ups and Downs...everyday I am just grateful I have the chance.

Anyways - thanks for the posts back everyone! And the thoughts!

-ds

DS you are going to need patience, and to keep yorutaker locked up for a while yet.

IME one spouse always takes the lions share of work in early recovery. WIth you to it looks like its you.

All blessings

God gives me amazing patience <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He keeps my taker pretty quelled.

And as for lions share of work, I don't know if it's me - I think he is climbing HUGE personal mountains...perhaps towards the relationship I am - but I know he is trying as hard as he possibly can too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know one day we will be doing great. I have my parents who are 8 years post A (and 21 years married) now that are doing fantastic as encouragers to me, and a friend who went through horrible post partum depression 5 years ago and left her baby, H and had an affair, and is now 4.5 years into recovery and they are finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel...took 2 years of alot of pain...then another 2 years of recovery...and at 4 years things are becoming normal again for them.

I surround myself with pro-marriage christian people like these, and it's making such a difference on my heart.

It's one of the main reasons I came back to these boards too. I said a little prayer for support and felt an urge to come back. I truly believe God uses some of you here to do his work in repairing people and marriages.

I know God has forgiven me, and is working on helping me forgive myself...and one day he can help Sprint forgive me too...

Baby steps! But all are steps!

-ds

DS,

Time and patience, sounds so easy, but as you pointed out you have seen the fruits of using those seemingly innocent things to heal a marriage. I hope Sprint does as well.

I do have a couple of questions though. If you were to feel the depression coming on, would you seek medical help to thwart it? Have you figured out how you gave yourself permission to have the A in the first place? These are important things for you to understand and know.

Here is why I think that. You told Sprint you are back to being the woman he married and from everything you have written it seems you truely are. His fear will be that you might change back to the woman he did not marry. He has no control over that, but you do IF you understand things and have a plan to deal with the onset of depression. It might even include him via an agreement that if he sense you slipping into it he will ask you to obtain medical help.

I don't know for sure, but anything along that line will help both of you avoid these things in the future and probably give him a sense that he has some "control/say" in the evolution of the marriage.

Just some thoughts. I really have high hope for you two.

God Bless,

JL

Hi DS,

I have been married for 10 years got into an emotional fling which lasted 8 days, got slightly physical( I ended kissing this OM). My H knows about this and its also almost 41/2 months for me. I had a few questions for you. I had no issues of withdrawl etc.

1. I live in a constant phase of anxiety just obsessing what my H is thinking.

2. I feel totally remorseful and I am crying all the time feeling miserable for messing up my family but I guess I should have thought before I acted.

3. I am totally ashamed of myself. When I go out I keep on thinking if people around me knew what I did they would never respect me.

Does such thoughts come to you? How do u deal with all these emotions?

Hi JL,

I know that by the time I had the affair, I was so negatively thinking of my husband and so rejecting him, but yet needing attention, sympathy and searching for who I was in that depression, that OM was feeding that - it was mostly online, but we did meet in person a it was PA twice, and I had the OM and his family up for one weekend too. By the time I was caught online, I desperately wanted out - in fact I had even tried to end things with OM but stay friends, as I wanted desperately that attention I felt he gave me during that time. But within days of just being friends, the conversation went to the sexual side again...

I was so relieved when I was caught as then I had my H's help in cutting OM off as strange as that sounds.

Withdrawel took only a few days...and after a week, I only wondered how his family was doing...and after a few weeks I didn't even wonder that. At one month post Dday when I had all the truth finally out - H and I called the OMW together to inform her - as OM had had 2 affairs before she knew about, then 1 before me she didn't know about, and then me. I felt she needed to know - not to harm her or OM, but as part of my own therapy - making my own ammends if that makes sense.

I do know that I fell into a horrible depression where I obsessed about negatives and dwelled on resentment towards my H being too busy to be a part of my major surgeries....I dwelled so much I started thinking things that just weren't true at all, striving for attention that my H probably was giving me, but due to the depression and negativity I wasn't feeling. I have no doubt he was still giving me that attention, I just wasn't seeing it.

I did tell him though that if he sees me repeating any behavior that scares him to let me know immediately.

He told me I am fine right now - it's not how I am acting now - it's how I acted then.

I do have quite a plan too - with my mom's help. I know that immediately I need to talk about things from now on with someone. That it's very important I do not tackle things on my own. Also to use God as my tool.

For example - the other day I started getting frustrated and thinking very poorly of myself and started to feel down. I immediately recognized that this is not good and enough of this and I may not get back out (although I know it takes a lot more than one down day) So I did my positive affirmations, thought about the good qualities about myself, did some prayer and felt alot better. Plans like these I hope will help me.

I know that I had never experienced depression before. I had an appendectomy in Feb of last year, a breast reduction in April, and in Jun, major pelvic reconstruction with removal of my uterus - was in the hospital for 6 days out of town, and I am only 27. I thought I could handle it all. After that last surgery I felt small and down, and didn't tell anyone, and I started resenting my H for not being with me. And the cycle started...and only went down from there.

Anyhow - I am so good at rambling lol - i go on and on and on...Sprint is very scared I may fall back into that - if it happened once it could happen again - I can't deny that - but I also know it took 3 surgeries to being on the depression, and one thing I wont be having is 3 surgeries in a row...I also will tell my docs before hand to watch me afterwards, as depression after surgery might be something I am prone to.

I have high hopes for us too. And I am so excited for the day he has those high hopes again too.

-ds

Hi Grave,

1. I chose not to let the remorse get the best of me.

When I let the shame get to me, I cried all the time, I took the blame for everything and just couldn't shoulder it all.

I knew that if I was going to get healthy I had to figure out WHY I had the affair and change myself to let it never happen again.

I also realized that this was the only way to also heal the damage I had caused my marriage. My marriage wouldn't get better if I didn't.

I don't obsess with what my H is thinking as I put all my Trust back in him again. I beleive that if he is thinking he will tell me, and so far he has. And if he doesn't tell me what he is thinking, then I don't wonder. I thought - how can he begin to trust me - if I don't trust him.

So I took the leap of faith and have 100% trust in him and do not wonder what his thinking. Sometimes in the way he talks, I worry he might leave me...but then I remember he is just being honest with me - He told me he loves me and he wants to stay, and I have to trust him. And so I do trust him and get that negative "he may leave me" thought out of my head.

I also accept that anything he is thinking, he has the right to think. After all - I was the one who betrayed HIM. He needs a chance to think those things. I don't worry. I believe he will tell me if those thoughts are worth telling me about.

2. Funny how we think now, and not before. H asks me - how could you not have known this would happen. And as pathetic and mean as it sounds - I didn't think. It was all about me - and what was making me feel better as I was constantly negative and blue during that time. Sometimes I just want to strangle myself for not thinking clearly as I do now.

It's only been 4.5 months for me too, but I decided not to let it get the best of me and become a better person. I still have my bad days. When H is having a bad day about it, then I have one too - I start to think what a horrible no good person I am...and start to feel blue.

If it lasts more than a bit and I can't talk myself out of it - I go hop in the bath, clear my head and tell myself, yo u know how you got there, and how you got out, and you aren't doing it again. You made a horrible mistake (it's hard to simplify it with a word like mistake, as it's MORE than just a mistake, but it's a word I chose to use in htis case) But life HAS to go on. I need to be the wife and mother my family needs, and being low on confidence because I beat myself up isn't going to set a good example to my children, nor is it going to attract my husband. He didn't fall in love with a woman who hated herself. If you are a Christian - there is a book called "The Self Confident Woman" by Janet Congo that has REALLY helped me.

Since the A I have been reading all the Christian Self Help books I can to help myself. This one has been the best for me. It teaches how co-dependency and independence can be harmful and ruin your esteem and teaches how interdependence with God can make you a better person and better in relationships. It talks about healing from your past mistakes and sins and not letting them effect who you can be. It's really help me learn to like myself again and have confidence in who I am.

So have sites that talk about telling yourself you are good, and counting what is good about you. One beautiful quote the book uses came to mind and may help you if you are Christian.

A forgiven Woman

Yes it is true that when you stand before the Lord to ask His forgiveness.

Your dress is ragged and tattered because of ugly sin.
Your hair is thickly tangled with the web of rebellion.
Your shoes are torn and muddy with your past failures.
But God never sees any of that!
He sees you as Holy.
He sees you as perfect.
Because you are dressed in His righteousness.
And He has covered you with the full-length cape of His love.
He sees nothing else!
Even when you explain how you really look underneath, he hears, but He forgets forever.
The dimension of His forgetfullness is as far as the East is from the West.
And it endures past all eternity.
(author unknown)

I figure if God can forgive me and love me, then I need to forgive me and love me too. And if I can't do that, then how can I expect my H to forgive and love me? I am asking him to do what I can't? I have to be able to do that as well.

3. The ashamed feeling is awful. I think more people know that probably really do, due to the fact that I doubt OM has kept his mouth shut now that his marriage is probably on the rocks, and he, even though living out of town, had similar groups of friends. So now when friends are busy or not paying much attention I feel it's because they know and don't want to be around me. But then I realize, those who do know and love me and are around, are my friends and they are not ashamed of me - they are disappointed in me and hurt by me, but they love me, and so I need to try to do the same.

I remember that many of them probably have their own shameful secrets too. And that I can't define who I am based on this, I need to over come the shame and define myself based on WHO I WANT TO BE.

-ds

DS,

When you had the pelvic reconstruction did they remove ovaries as well? If so, then I would bet that a lot of your depression had to do with hormonal embalance. I am not in the med field, but I have known more than a few women that have had such surgeries and getting hormones balanced again is NOT trivial.

I ask this because if they did this, then your H has to understand that some of this was truely due to your surgery. Yup, you still had to make the choices, BUT...there were reasons you did that did NOT have to do with him specifically.

Nevertheless, you two are only 4-5 months into recovery and you do seem to be right in line with everyone else. With one exception and that is your withdrawal was very very short. That is a good thing.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

No luckily I kept my ovaries. But even then - depression post-hyst can lead to depression due to the fact that a woman is loosing quite a big part of who she is - if that makes sense. I felt I was prepared for it, I don't think I really was. I think I was hiding from alot of fears I had.

Anyhow. I am not complaining about Sprint, I hope you know - the fact that he is still here, trying and healing with me is amazing. he could have left, he could have moved on - and he had every right to. I am grateful he is going through this for us, for me and he can take as much time as he needs.

I will continue to get stronger and heal while we work on our marriage and he works through what he needs to get through...and eventually it will all come together.

This scar will always be here, just like my surgery scars, so I wont ever forget what I did, but it will also serve as reminder so that I never do this to him, to us again.

-ds

DS,

I am not sure how anyone really prepares for the type of surgery you had. I also know you are not complaining about Sprint. You just would like to seem him smile, and show contentment.

You said something that struck me and wonder if it would help to discuss it with Sprint. You said you felt he was trying to help you, but you pushed him away. You felt he wasn't trying but you feel that he was, you just were not receptive to it.

Now think about this for a moment. Think about how you would feel IF the situation was reversed. Would you be mad, hurt, feel rejected, not love, disrespected,etc. ? If so, have you ever talked to Sprint about his feelings during this time. I am not talking about the A, I am talking about when he was trying and could NOT get through.

I know this seems odd, but I would bet that in someways this hurt him as much as the A itself did. Do you see my thinking here? If you think this line of thought has merit, talk to Sprint about it. Why? The best recoveries I have seen on this board are those where the WS starts conversations about things and starts to focus on the BS's thoughts during certain times.

Just another thought. Not to rush you guys (he says tapping his foot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ). No actually you are doing fine, but this is an area where you might find that Sprint is struggling. Most men want to help their W's and when that fails they feel they failed. I would guess he feels his efforts were not even recognized.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your blessing and thoughts!

-ds