hello,first post, been researching the site and lurking for the past 2 weeks, looks like a great place to be!!! Having some trouble copeing...... checked cell phone records wich started suspicion, one thing led to another..... found definate proof of emotional/sexual affair....... my wife denies everything.......has been counseled by a member of the co-dependency movement....she is at a point in her life to make a drastic change to seek happiness, with an attitude of "take care of myself first, do what I want, when ever I want to do it"........ I'm deeply in love with her and have been totally depressed for the past month......14 years of marriage, no children (joint descision made years ago, maybe she want's a child now? I told her I would get reversed)....the most beautiful woman in my life, meeting her definately was the best thing that ever happened to me thats for sure...... from what I can gather from our present comunications, and no apalegy for aldultery on her part...the sneaking around and lack of truthfulness, and outright attempt to conceal the truth from me, ( I know she is only trying to protect me and my hurt, but I prefer the striaght out truth) .... I can see the big D coming in our future......I hate the thought of that...... every conversation we have leads to emotional breakdown for both of us, I hate that too........I can't see an effort from W to reconcile her feelings and try to save this marriage at all....... all the clues up to now had led me to believe that she was having an affair, but I do know that I have pulled away from social/mental/emotional/recreational doings over the past 2/2.5 years..and she has been free to do as she please's when she please's.... my fault there I know that has what brought this on.......... comunication is a problem.......lack of effort on my part etc. etc........I'm horribly crushed at the sitiuation at hand, so much that I feel she has passed away instead of left me ....... copeing with emotions couped up here all by myself with no one to talk to has left me depressed and mentally at the bottom of my chain....getting some meds and hopefully counseling set up later this afternoon........I can't stop loving her, she means the world to me, is there any possible way to win her back? I cannot loose hope of maybe the two of us someday working on this "as a couple together" but from what I can judge by her current state of mind, that isn't going to happen anytime soon........look forward to your input.... Thank you all for your time.......

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WOE
Member


Reged: 11/23/04
Posts: 48
Re: hurt so bad [Re: need_A_miracle]
#2695458 - 04/26/05 03:23 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Miracle, slow down! I well understand how this feels as does just about everyone on this site. Your W is likely in an A but don't make the leap to "inevitable divorce". If there really is another man he could have very limited interest in her. I'm not going to go to far with this line of thought, but understand that there are all kinds of affairs and all kinds of different endings.

Getting the meds is a great step. Read here, vent here and try to take care of YOU; eating, sleeping, excercising etc. As you have probably read already, don't argue with her. Don't reason with her. You will end up getting very frustrated. Try to gather the proof you need and then do whatever it takes to end the A (assuming there is one). That means confronting her, OM, OM's wife. This is all done in steps and you can get lots of consistent advice here before you take any steps. I think you will find that nine out of every ten responses are fairly consistent. Consistent because they have been proven effective not because they sound good. You also may want to post in the General Questions area you will get many more reponses. I don't post here much anymore but I'll try to watch for your response. But please move your story to GQ II. Hang in there it does get easier and you can surely survive this. In fact the odds are in your favor.

WOE

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To talk of bulls is not the same thing as being in the bull ring.

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need_A_miracle
Junior Member


Reged: 04/26/05
Posts: 2
Re: hurt so bad [Re: WOE]
#2695463 - 04/26/05 03:27 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



woe, hey, thanks for the reply, any reply means alot to me right now, thanks for that.....the leap to the big D is not my choice, I want desperately for my W to rekindle her previous feelings for me and rebuild this marriage to point of strenth it has never seen before........ W is the one who shows no interest, the grass isn't always greener, I try to tell her that, she isn't very willing to give it a chance at the moment........ well, I have proof, DNA male identity proof, in wich I am not a contributing factor in the male DNA that has been tested by a forensics lab.... thats proof enough isn't it?.........dunno how to move the post, how would I go about doing that? Can you do it for me? Thanks so much........

Edited by need_A_miracle (04/26/05 03:30 PM)

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NAM, welcome to the best club in the world than nobody wants to be a member of <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The best thing I know how to do is point you at the 'new BS toolkit' post that I pulled together - it has the wonderful advice I received when I was in your shoes.

And my baby is now in my heart, my house, my bed and my life loving me.

New BS Toolkit

Have faith, you life WILL get better and you have many tools tpo help you.

Breathe, pray and study.

All blessings

I will be watching this topic closely. I am in an identical situation. She is 30 and has reached some kind of milestone that is causing her to seek independence that a married woman just shouldn't have and is ready to end our M. I too am lonely, frustrated and on the verge of some kind of breakdown.

SH, you too. Read the new BS toolkit. You will see you are not alone and you will get a plan.

Life WILL improve. You are NOT powerless.

All blessings

hi friend
I understand wholeheartedly your feelings as I was in the same place not to long ago. My suggestion to you is to first effectively try to get the lines of communications back open. I would try this in 2 ways, first take her away from home and work to try to break the ice. At times, when we feel like the victim, me included, we negate the feelings of others. Try to listen and compromise, try to understand her side and feelings first. Before responding, allow it to absorb, place yourself in her shoes, and give a reasonable, unconfrontational response. Show her that her feelings and opinions still matter and find ways to communicate that. Hopefully in this time, you will find out her feelings and desires. Does she feel like the marriage is reconcilable? Is she as well willing to work at it? I read somewhere that it only takes 1 to make a marriage work. Well, I don't believe that, I believe it takes 2 willing committed partners to make it work. I hope in some way this helps.

well, thank you all for the input....... at the present time, my W is showing no remorse for what has happened, ......trying to stay away from "truthful conversation"...... I think , in an attempt to prevent futher damage to the pain and suffering she can obviously see she has caused to me..... lost 14 lbs in less than a month..... emotional sistress beyond belief...... we just spent a short together this evening...... it hurt me dramatically to see that she is dead set in her descision to move out (hasn't been home for the past 3 weeks) and to carry on in manner that will eventually lead to the end of this marriage....... I have been striaght up with her as far as what my intentions are...... is too bad she doesn't share the same feelings as I do....... I guess if she doesn't accept all the love and goodness I have to offer, sooner or Later.... I will meet someone who will..... she will have a rude awakening when the men she meets ditch her in the end and finds out that she has secumned to the feeling of curiousity of what the world has to offer..... her loss, not mine.... all I can do now is to move on in a positive manner to heal myself and improve my life..... I will miss her dearly........