My husband has not been enthusiastic about following the POJA, but he has used it at times. On October 1, 2001, he used it to keep me from calling the husband of the woman with whom in fact he was having an affair. I called the husband on April 22, 2002, and the husband got the truth out of his wife and told me on May 4, 2002. It has been a rough few years, to say the least. We got the MarriageBuilder home study program, and he has dragged his feet. Now we are going to a marriage counselor who says "The POJA is la la land." And yesterday, he invoked the POJA to ask me to not go on the Forum or to listen to Harley's radio show.

I have concluded that the POJA is absolutely essential for our marriage. Affairs come from neglect, but we had a different problem: abuse. The affair was really an extention of his abuse and his feeling that he was getting the short end of the stick in marriage and now it was his turn.

As a result, I am going to follow the POJA except in two cases: he violates it first or for reasons of safety. If he violates it, for whatever reason, I am separating. I spent years asking myself "Can I tolerate this?" in my attempt to create a great marriage and what I was doing instead was setting me up to be the enemy when I said No. I got more and more neglect and violent abusive treatment when I said No. I won't go down that path again.

This is a leap of faith for me. Since I am willing to give up whatever he feels is negative, he does not have justification for doing what I feel is negative. In marriage, both win or both lose.

My love for him is completely gone. I can intellectually decide to show care for him by eliminating what he thinks is negative and trying to meet his emotional needs. Dr. Harley, in his program, wants couples to spend 15 hours per week together giving undivided attention to each other as a way to build love. I believe he is right, but I have the consummate Reluctant Spouse. I need to start with the POJA.

My thanks in particular to:
- Pepperband, who woke me up long ago to the fact that a broken arm is a significant problem.
- KMEJ, in whom I have seen so much of how I felt during the years of violent abuse, with the difference that I told no one, and
- Believer, whose willingness to separate in the face of inconsiderate behavior by her spouse while remaining committed to her marriage vows is an inspiration for me. I am at peace knowing that I am and will always be faithful but because I cannot control my husband's behavior, my choice is to separate if he doesn't want to have a marriage of mutual care.

Thank you so much. I expect to return to the forum, probably very soon, but it will be for one of two reasons: we have separated, or we are going through the program.

Please pray for us!

Cherished

Cherished,

Are you ok?

This post is just hanging here...without an obvious purpose.

committed

edited... I see that the original post was not complete. I am glad that you came back and posted more.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Cherished,

I'm not sure that you are very 'enthusiastic' about this POJA to break from the forum. Be sure that your H is not using the concept of POJA simply to remove you from the board or isolate you from valued advise. The POJA is a valuable tool if used properly.

Good luck.

Hi Cherished,

I want you to know that I always saw something in you. Even when your situation was at the most extreme, I could see something in YOU that told me you were going to find recovery and healing, whether your marriage survived or not.

Take care Cherished. I will keep you in my prayers until I see you again.

I just realized that so far I'm the only one who is not confused.

"I expect to return to the forum, probably very soon, but it will be for one of two reasons: we have separated, or we are going through the program."

I see the crossroad she is at, and I understand her decison to leave MB although I wish she wasn't taking this path.

Please keep Cherished in your prayers that she can find her way back when she needs to. The decision she made is a rough one to live with. Pray that she quickly discovers and ACCEPTS what she will learn by leaving MB and that she acts on it even quicker.

Take care Cherished

Did my post appear as though I was confused? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Cherished -

I hate to see you go, but completely understand your reasoning. Since your husband does not agree that you should be on this board, POJA requires that you cease.

HOWEVER, (you knew that was coming, right?) POJA requires that he also do his part. I will keep your marriage in my prayers.

I hope that he will work on the MB principles with you. If he does not, come on back for support. We won't forget you.

You are doing the right thing, otherwise this would always be a problem. Take that leap of faith.

Thanks, Believer. I think this is the only way our marriage can work. I guess I'm a Believer, too! And now I am off to use the MB concepts I have learned to create a life that works for both of us -- And if not, then separation, and back on the boards for support.
Cherished

My update is that my husband lost his job and took another one which involves extensive travel. He's currently gone Monday morning through Friday night. We are talking on the phone.

We both have developed physical reactions to the negativity in our relationship. The separation is definitely not a Harley ideal, especially after one person has had an affair. I remember Harley saying that 20% of marriages end in a long-term separation and ours may be headed that way.

On a positive note, he is willing now to work on conversation. Does anyone have suggestions on books to help a couple with conversation? Couples communication seems to be more focused on problem-solving. What I think we need is books on intimate conversation.

Oh, and we have an agreement for me to be able to be on MB for a few days. Thanks.
Cherished