We just got the test results back that my H is the father of OW's child.

I am looking for advice on we tell out children who are 15, 10, 8 and 6.

I thank God for this web-site - where else could you go and not feel so alone like you are the only one going through this situation.

Kids know nothing about the affair. We were separated for about 4 months after finding out, but the kids did not know the reason other than we were not getting along right then.

So please give advice on how some of you handled this.

Thank you in advance for helping me and my family.

How old is the child? Do you plan on having C with it? If so, then you aare going to have to tell the children at some point...did H suspect this at all? It looks liek the A was 4 years ago...is this a child from THAT affair? Why did OW/H wait so long for this to be established?

Striving, I'm really sorry for your pain. Very sorry you're in the 'club'.

Excuse if you've heard my shpeal before--I've said it often.

One of the marriage counselors we had in the first year was really good. He had 30y experience and knew many cases like this (mostly military families). He recommended: do not tell under-13/14yo unless there is going to be visitation; do tell teens prior to adulthood, before they hear it from others, before they make similar mistakes.

Little kids look to blame themselves for things. If there's no visitation, there's no need to disturb their minds, just as you rightly did not specify your marital problems to them. Too confusing.

Counselor told us of a family meeting with him, to tell their teens about an 8-9yo OC. The kids were 14 and 16 and the dad did the telling. He apologized for setting them a bad example which went against their church teachings and he cried over hurting their mother and for a child he could not parent. The teens understood that it was wrong thing to do and yet could forgive him just as their mother was doing, plus the counselor was there for all of them. Counselor said it was a very positive experience.

We've talked on these board many times how patterns repeat themselves in families even when the pattern was unknown to the kid!! My husband did not learn until after his adultery that both his parents had As too, and the parentage of one of his brothers is in question. He says maybe if he'd known of their mistakes he would not have repeated them. We intended to tell our kids eventually even if there was no visitation.

We started limited visitation last year after years of my kids (12, 6 and 2) not knowing. OC is 6. Our situation is different from most in that this is a 3y temporary military duty and then we'll be long distance from OC again. Our kids took it surprisingly well and enjoy OC.

However, H and I agree that if Xow cannot respect our boundaries, no visitation. So far, she's behaved; probably helps that she's remarried!

I'd be happy to answer any questions if it helps you.

Best wishes,
"Jenny"