Hi All,

I am new here and feeling my way around. And, don't even know if I am posting in the right manner. So please forgive my ignorance if I am doing things improperly.

I am here to both work out my own problems as well as (hopefully) being able to help others work out theirs.

I am a hurting husband who was betrayed by his spouse, more than 20 years ago. And, still suffer from the pain. However, I think I have finally reached the point where I can finally see that my love for her can supersede the pain and bring us closer than ever before.

I know that many of you are in the initial stages of betrayal, hurt, anger, resentment, rage, need for revenge etc.. Thus, I hope (as time permits) I will be able to glean things from your partciular circumstance that will help me and that I as well may be able to offer something that will be of benefit to you (during your process of healing from the pain/hurt).

I would (in particular) like to hear from husbands who have been betrayed (their feelings etc)and how long it has been since the betrayal.

I have much more to write. But, at present, I cannot continue to do so, due to work schedule etc...

All My Best,

Ned

I recently found out that my wife has cheated on me. She has slept with another man on one occasion but was seeing him at he bar prior to that.

About 3 days before she told me I left my wife after a night out with her collegues. I left due to a drinking problem. A problem that she now says is under control. She has been drinking rarely over the past month or so, but I not at all convinced this will stay as the norm

I have pushed her to tell me all the ugly details and have continued to hammer the situation becuase I thought she was not telling me the truth. And now I have found out 2 more times that the incident was the worst kind of sexual sin that I can think of. I now know from finding out from the other guy.

Now to put some perspective on myself. We have been together for 10 years, and have been married for 5. On top of that my wife is the only women I have been with. She on the other hand has had about 10 sexual lovers.. Now 11.

I have always held a high value on our intimate relations and I now feel so destroyed as a person. I have made her very aware how much I do respect this area of our marriage and feel she is punishing me in the worst manner.
My anger runs so deep that I can't seem to function at anything. I moved back into the house about a week after leaving in the first place and I think I am feeling reget that I did. We have 2 young children that I simply refuse to give them up so easily. To put simply If it does't work I want my children with full custody, which she would not want.

My wife has been on a pattern of going to the bars and drinking scenese for over a year, but has always told me she comes home to me and would never of course cheat. She told me this before and after the affair. (hid it for 3 months).
So the lies have been many and too long, and now I am still seeing that she continues the lies.

It seems every step forward I take I get ripped back to the beginning of the lies. I have been lied to 3 times over the same affair. How do I ever trust again?

I have asked to her to leave a couple times and not to return unless she is going to tell the whole truth. And just tonight I got the truth wish (I think..).. but she said she was leaving anyways. I once again begged her not to so since I asked for the truth and her to stay. But I am still at conflict ...

I just don't know what to do or what I want, do I want her or do I move on. Then of course my biggest fear is not having my children, which I fear she will move to the other side of the country. I question if I am staying just for the children or maybe the idea of the marriage or just not to go through the terrible child custody and divorce. The fact is the whole 'night life' scenes has been devasting to herself, me and my children.

Several times I have stopped her from leaving, she always wants to leave for good when I bring the affair, but I believe I need the whole truth and facts to move on. I want her to be angry and ashamed but it drives her to leave. I keep questioning that I am letting the decision be made easy and let her leave but am to affraid to let it happen.


On top of that, I sometimes just want to leave the house and have done so a few times. She sees this as me leaving her again, but I feel that seems to give me a little more thought. But perhaps she has just fearing having to make it on her own which she has never had to do. Meaning financially and living by herself. On the otherhand, I have been very indepentant since I was 15, and am now only 30. She has said to me that I don't need her, and I have tried to explain to her that I want her, but no I do not NEED her, just as she does NOT need me. We will live if we are not together, it is ridiculous to think otherwise.


Sorry for the ramblings and inconsistant writing..

Please help!

Hi rbell,

Sorry that this post is so late in response to your plea for help. However, I have not checked this site in quite sometime, since I posted my initial post concerning "Hurting Husbands". Because, there was never a reply until now. And, it was just on a whim that I decided to check it out tonight. Thus, finding your reply/post.

Anyway, I am so sorry that you had to experience the unfaithfulness of your wife. I fully understand your pain and anguish. Adultery is a devastating sin which rips to the core of your being. The trust you placed is broken. Your self-esteem is crushed. The love you thought was true is now a lie. You're sick at your stomach, your head/mind cannot fathom all the lies and deceit. You feel as if your head will explode. The visual thoughts of your beloved with another man fills you with jealousy, anger and rage.

I know you want to understand. I know you want to know why. But, with each probing question, each lie uncovered, you let yourself in for more and more pain and more questions. Which, lead to more and more pain. And, thus, more and more questions. It is a vicious cycle that will consume you. I know!! I have been there. Done that. And, got the T-Shirt.

I was wasting away (physically and psychologically). I went from 180 pounds to less than 120 pounds. My skin color changed to yellow. I became a split personality. For, in one moment I could be proclaiming the gospel of Jesus Christ and in the next I would be in a rage, beating my knuckles bloody, on a wall, demanding justice and wanting to be the Avenger of all who had been done wrongly, of all who had been betrayed.

Finally, one day, I decided to end it all. I could not live with the pain of betrayal any longer. I picked up my 44 magnum, loaded it, cocked it and placed it to my head. I started squeezing the trigger. My phone rang. Being as courteous as I usually am, I answered the phone. A voice which I barely knew called out to me. Brother Ned, how are you doing? I said, fine. She said, "No you're not. You are sitting there with a gun in your hand getting ready to blow your brains out." I was astonished. How could she have known? She knew next to nothing about me. She could not know anything. For, I have told my pain to no one It could only be that God was intervening, through her, to preserve me for a greater work.

Is my pain gone? No! Do I still have visual images? Yes!

But, the Greater One (Jesus Christ) abides(lives)within me. And,Greater is He that is within me than he that is in the world.

I fight these things everyday, my friend, and it is only through God's grace (unmerited favor) that I write to you today. And, it is my prayer that you lean on Him to get you through this trying time in your life.



All My Best,

Ned