I am an American who has been married and living in Europe for the past 19 years. I have two children, aged 17 and 10. My husband has been having an affair with his best friends wife (also Godmother to our youngest and a colleague of my husband's at work) for the past 3 years.

After employing plan A unsuccessfully and my husband stating in therapy that he needed 2-3 more months to decide whether or not he was willing to recommit to our marriage and still insisting that since he is no longer sleeping with the other woman, that there is no need for him to end his friendship with her or stop working together with her, I have switched to plan B. I tried my best to do plan A, but after 3 years of suffering from an affair that he kept denying and I was not able to prove, I have been suffering from post traumatic shock syndrome. It is not easy to appear stron all the time when you are suffering from panic attacks. I asked my husband to move out until he was willing to recommit and completely cut off all contact with the other woman. My husband is the boss of the bank branch that he works in and his boss who is a mutual friend and aware of the affair said that it would not be a problem for him to transfer the other woman to a different branch if she and/or my husband made that request.

I am two months into plan B and am in psychiatric care with medication to compat sleeplessness, depression, and panic attacks. There is one month more to hold on until my husband reaches the deadline of three months that he has set. There are yet no signs of a transfer for the other woman to another bank.

I despair when I think of the future. Beyond giving up my own financial independence to look after my husband and children, I have completely adjusted my life to fit my husband's culture, language, family, friends, etc. etc. As the children became older, I started investing more time and energy in my career, and although I still work part time and do household chores without his help, am the primary caretaker of our children and set aside LOTS of time for him, he blames my career focus for his affair. Sometimes I think that instead of being happy for me and my career success, that he felt threatend and neglected.

I am frightend about the chance that my WH may not recommit and go NC with the OW. I know that I can not live with a man that is not honest with me, keeps secrets and continues a "friendship" with the woman he had an affair with for approximately 3 years. A new start in our house without my husband, next door to my mother-in-law, across the street from my sister-in-law, and just down the street from the OW would simply not be possible for me, despite the fact that I have always got along with my in-laws fine. If our marriage fails, they will put me at fault for not accepting my husband's continued "friendship" with the other woman for the sake of the children. Uprooting our children and returning to the States would be devasting for them and is simply not an option. Just thinking about the future divorced from my husband puts me in an emotional mess. I try my best to concentrate on my daily tasks and although I have the support of a few very good woman friends, I could use the support of my own family as well.

What do I do if he is still undecided when we reach his promised time limit for a decision in a month?

Sometimes I think that I did not do plan A good enough. Is there any going back or is it sink or swim now?

Pretty outrageous, isn't it? You suffer the nervous breakdown while he goes off to "decide" between the two of you.
We will be married 18 years in June. My D-day was 8 years ago when I found a letter he wrote her. I regret not ending the marriage right then and there. He continues secret contact with her (I snoop) and I feel like a nutcase.
Honest, I understand where you're coming from. What meds are you on?
Finally, you aren't to blame for his having an affair. Had you not gotten interested in your career, he would still be able to rationalize having another woman. Had you poured all your energy into your marriage, he might still have found a way to blame you for his affair.

You are "auditioning" for him, and he is using your Plan B to his advantage. He has full freedom to indulge in his affair without your interference. You must feel like bats in your belfry.

Are you 100% sure you don't want to uproot your kids and return to the States? Really, really sure? I believe in stability for kids, but I still think back to our D-day, and wonder if I shouldn't have moved back east with our son to where my family and extended family are. Things did not improve by my hanging in there.