Hi all

I've got a couple of posts going on here. (Please can someone tell me how to link?) Marriage vs career, and words vs actions.

What I wanted to ask, is since Plan A sets clear boundaries of NC, how do I deal with situation where H HAS to work with OW - until July at the earliest (teacher notice period)

H says he has broken all A contact and friendship contact, but still has to speak to her at work because they are in same dept (actually job sharing a school role), and is trying to maintain civil working relationship for dept/pupils sake. I very much want to believe that his statements about no A/friendship contact are true, and at present I don't have any evidence to the contrary (although I'm keeping looking, in order to prepare myself for the worst).

But I still see the situation very much as contact, whatever he says about its context/content. The question is, how do I deal with this? Can we really use Plan A in this situation? Do I just need to wait it out until he can find another job? And what if he isn't able to get another job for September (teacher) How long is it reasonable to have to wait for him to really have NC with her? How to work with the NC boundaries, when it isn't actually possible?

Thanks to all posting on the 'can they still be friends' post for useful comments. Any more wise advice out there? I really feel like I'm at the bottom of my pit presently, with no way out.

Thanks

unhappy_badger

You will just need to put off recovery and live in hell until contact ends. I am sorry to say that, but it is the truth. There is just no way to pretty up that picture, because it is ugly no matter how you look at it. Recovery is impossible until contact ends. That is the cost of placing one's job before his marriage.

Thanks M - I guess I was worried that that would be the response. Next question is how to I survive this hell? Not sure I can?

u_badger

Well, the first thing to do is inform the school administration of the affair. Under the circumstances, I think the administrators could come up with some ideas for separating them.

-AD

Head of department knows about A - H told her when the school offered him promotion. He talked to head of dept about what to do re looking for another job and possibly taking the promotion for next year. I think a couple of other teachers know about it, and I'm sure most have guessed.

Unfortunately, head of department advised him not to consider just 'any job', but to take his time and look for the right one. She wants to keep him in the school next year - he is a good teacher. OW isn't going to move - she has just been offered head of subject post in the school. Unfortunately head of department advice just keeps them together!

H doesn't seem to have any idea what the 'right job' for him is, and no real inclination to do anything to find out.

There seems to be no way out of my pit, except leaving or staying and just taking the pain ...

Help ...

u_badger

I would suggest that he be perfectly honest about each time he speaks to the OW. He must tell you each night about the events of his day, that way there are no surprises if someone makes a comment. KWIM?

Can you start meeting him for lunch at the school to make a point about how you're most important in his life? What about having him call you each day at certain times?

Cat

H has gone out - the department that he teaches in are having a 'curry night' out. He said that he would just go for a drink then come home - I think his way of trying to show me he is thinking about my feelings.

She will be there. As will about 20 other people.

I very calmly and politely asked him not to speak to her AT ALL. He said he would TRY, and gave me a look which to me screamed of 'you are being unreasonable'. Should I have been firm about the fact that if he went I should go too? Anything else I should have said? He just doesn't seem to get it.

I want to think he is trying, but everyone here seems to be of the agreement that NC is really NC, and that this situation definitely isn't NC.

I'm trying really hard to deal with the fact that they have to work with each other until the end of term (although there is a closing date for a good teaching job elsewhere, tomorrow, and no sign that he is really going to get an application done in time!) But I'm having an even harder time with the fact that he is still going to social events where she is involved.

having a really bad, down day today. Going to see doctor re ADs tomorrow, so that I can at least try to do some work, and not lose my job - the only thing that seems good in my life at the moment.

Arghh - how long will I feel like this?

unhappy_b

UB, As I've said before, he "doesn't get it" yet. And NO, you are not being unreasonable. It doesn't get better until he gets off the fence and really sees that he is hurting you by having any contact with her. The fact that he is going out when he knows she will be there in a social situation is inconsiderate of your feelings. He is showing you that your needs don't matter to him. It is immature and self-centered. It sounds like he may still be in the fog regarding her and sees you as trying to control him when it is actually him trying to have the control. As for him saying he "will try" not to speak to her, that sounds like fog talk too. He has a choice. You do too. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries for yourself. Have you and he read any of the books together? Shirly Glass's Not Just Friends is a good one. There are many others. Sorry to say it's a long slow process.
Take care ---render

You will feel like this until the affair ends. As long as he is still in contact the affair is still going on. He has no intention of stopping contact, he has made that clear. And there is no reason for him to stop since you have absolutely no boundaries. I am just amazed that he is so far from a place of recovery that he would even consider going to a social event where she is. That tells me he is not serious, UB.

UB, I want to alert you that you are setting yourself up for a death of a thousand cuts because you want to avoid conflict NOW. Instead of taking a tough stand now, you will die slowly and painfully. This situation of them working together will never work. He will never recover and you will never recover until contact ends. Not protecting yourself by insisting on no contact is the 2nd biggest mistake that BS make, because you are damning yourself to a life of hell. The affair is likely to be off and on for some time because he cannot withdraw from her. Every time he sees her puts you back to DAY ONE of recovery.

UB, don't do this to yourself. Expose this affair and tell him NO MORE. He must find another job, because you can't be expected to live like this. Personally, this is a condition that I would divorce over just because of the absolute hell I have seen other BS' endure over the years. Don't settle for this mess, UB, you are paying dearly now and you will pay dearly for years to come.

U-B

Sorry you are where you are, chick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mel is absolutely right.

NC is absolutely vital. Its vital to end the affair ( there will alway sbe 'electrictity' between WH and OW if they stay in contact says Harley). Also it svital for the protection from hurt of the BS.

For the WS keep in touch is unbelievably disrespectful, selfish and hurtful to the BS.

Squid thought the A was over when she was only talking to OM until I exposed, but they were plotting together.

Now other posters here will tell you its possible to have almost NC at work because the job is important, but to me no job is worth the humilation and risk of constant contact.

I don't believe your WH can't get another teaching job in the UK - he can work anywhere he wants right now. He's at THAt school because he wants to stay in touch with OW.

all blessings

I sure won't tell you that. I'd say quit and the sooner the better! No amount of money is worth this pain. You would be better off with him delivering pizza than having daily contact with her.

I'd have to say that I disagree with you. I don't think he was considering your feelings. Had he been putting your feelings first, he would not even consider going for a drink where she will be.

This is not staff development or a requirement for teaching.
This is downright insensitive.

Blessings to you but I'm afraid it is not going to get better until there is no contact between them. Been there done that! (and quit the job!)

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

UB,

My two cents.. I agree with Mel, Mr. Pure and the rest.

Your H has totally disrespected you by going to the party. Why didn't he invite you to go? You should have gone.

Is the OW married? If so, expose ASAP to her spouse. He may yank her out of the school. If she is not married is there a sig other or family that would cause drama?

You must be pro-active and strike now rather than suffer the death of a thousand cuts, so aptly put by Mel.

One of them has to go elsewhere. Or maybe you do.

k

Unhappy_badger,

I’m sorry to hear your H was so inconsiderate & insensitive of your feelings last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Its indeed clear that he doesn’t “get it” and isn’t serious about NC at all... He thinks because he “stopped the A” (in his opinion) it’s still okay to still deliberately talk to her and see her at work and to even go to events where she is also present and then say to you he will TRY not to talk to her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> This is NOT okay! With this kind of contact and him not “getting” it, you, him and this M will never be able to recover. If your H was real dead serious about NC at work (according to the guidelines I posted to you on another thread), then I would say yes, maybe there is hope in this situation while he is searching for another job, but it’s clearly not the case with your H here. If your H was really serious about NC in this situation, he would take the following 2 most important steps:

1) NOT going to ANY social event where she is also present and if it is compulsory for him to attend social work events, he would INVITE YOU ALONG!
2) He would avoid talking to her and seeing her AT ALL COSTS… Even if it would mean to discuss the situation with the head/principal at work and seek solutions on how to reduce professional contact at work to the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.

UB, I think it’s time to have a serious talk with your H about this and make your boundaries VERY clear to him.

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Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks again everyone

It just amazes me that you are all there.

Seeing doctor this morning re ADs, and might ask if she can sign me off work for a bit - just remove the additional work pressure.

We had another 'episode' last night, when he got back. I asked whether he had spoken to her. He said 'there were loads of other people there, for heavens sake'(stroppy) - does this sound like a politician answer to you? I have enough evidence to believe that he isn't contacting her by text message, or by instant messenger like he was, and I want to believe him that he isn't having any direct contact at work, but we all know that he is.

He keeps using her hurt/attitude towards him as evidence that it is over between them!!!! (although I've obviously not seen this myself).

I left him a note saying that I was sorry 'keeping up appearances' was so much more important to him than my feelings, then left the house - in the car. He was obviously worried, and didn't want me to go (tried to hold car door open) - worried what I might do. In the end he couldn't stop me though. I sat in the car on the side of the road about a mile away from home for a couple of hours, had a good cry, then went home. He let me into the house, and then went to bed - he was in shock I think. Planning to discuss the 'rules' again this weekend.

Will let you know what happens next. Hopefully one day I will be able to pass on all the support you have given me to some other poor soul in this awful position.

Take care all

u_badger

Unhappy_badger,

I see both of us have almost posted on the same time this morning, so I just want to make you aware of this in case you have missed my post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I’m glad you’ve let your H know how you feel… Things can’t continue like this. I don’t think he realizes how serious this REALLY is and you have to make this VERY clear to him...

Please take care of yourself...and let us know what the docter says.

Prayers to you,
Suzet

Unhappybadger, please take a pro-active approach to this situation rather than a reactive one. If you simply take a reactive approach, you will only be at the mercy of an alien. You are at a serious crossroads in the path and the path you take now will very much determine where you end up. If you take the hard path now, your life will be immensely easier in the future and you may save your marriage. If you take the easier path, you entire trip will be hard and you may lose your marriage.

I know you desperately want to avoid the conflict that would come with insisting he leave his job, but if you don't face that conflict now, your future will be uncertain and full of conflict. The way it is now, there is no recovery, UB. There is years more days like today. And your H will never learn frm his mistakes. Why should he if there are never consequences?

unhappy badger,

How long will you feel this way? The end of the affair may or may not end your suffering (recovery even after an affair can also be very painful)....the only way to truly feel better is to take back your own power. When "curry night" is more important than your feelings or the marriage...you must face the fact that your WS will not protect you in his alien state....and realize that it is up to you to protect youself by enforcing good boundaries. Protection means gaining control of your emotions so that you can make the decisions that will logically separate you from the chaos he's created. Enforcing boundaries can feel scary....but when curry night came up....you had an opportunity to defend an important boundary. Defense of that boundary would have gone something like this:

H, Our situation is no longer comfortable enough for you to participate in social activities that include the OW....and they never will be again....that is the reality of affair dynamics that destroy trust. I can't keep you from going, but the message I will hear if you go is that "curry night" is more important than our marriage. It is disrespectful and hurtful for me to be expected to sit at home while you attend an event that includes your affair partner. It is unacceptable to me to continue to feel this way.....so it is your choice to go, but if you do....I will do what I must do to stop the pain and separate myself from this heartache. I have reached the limit of my emotional tolerance in this matter and I'm respectfully requesting that you begin to use empathy and care in the decisions you make. I remain uncomfortable and unhappy about the work situation. I have been patient about the time it takes to extricate yourself from the mess you've created...though that's wearing very thin. I do NOT have ANY tolerance at all for outside social events....nor should I. It is a slap in the face, and affront to me as a person. If I tolerate it....it means I think so little of myself that I will allow you to treat me badly. I won't do that. I can only make decisions for myself, so I'd like you to know that your continued contact both at work and outside of work is destroying the love I have for you. I will separate from you before I will continue to feel this way or lose love for you.