so my h and i went to therapy yesterday for the second time. there was alot of screaming and crying. he does not want me to nagg him so i have agreed not to do it as much but i have also requested that he needs to tell me where he goes even if it bothers him.

the therapist asked if we wanted to separate and we both said no that we want to work things out but my h said that he does not think that i will ever get over this enough to trust him. i the more days that go by i think he is right.

we have booked a trip to go away next week but i don't if it is the best time. i think it would be good to see if we can get along and see if we can work thing out. but i just don't know

my h is the type of person that only sees black and white. he fiqured that since he told me that i am just surpose to deal with it and move on. i wish it was that easy.

he does not like to talk about what happened but i feel like i need to know. i want to understand how there friendship turned into so much more. He tells me that i read more into what happened then what really happened.
it is hard not to when all he says is that it was a mistake. and it should have never happened.

i have also told him that maybe i should tell her husband but of course he is not happy about that. but why should i be the only one that has to suffer? he tells me that if i tell him i should be prepared for what may happen. the problem is if this comes out to many people will end up being hurt.

my family, his family and her family. my h and ow work together with my family and it will be a big mess if it comes out.

i am tired of having to go through all these feelings by myself. i feel like the only one that is suffering and don't know what to do.

i love my h but where do i go from here? he has told me that he is sorry and that he want me and the kids and worries that i will leave but can i really stay? my friends tell me that i either have to deal with it or i have to move on because he is not going to take much more of this. but at this point i really don't care what he is going to take much more of.

the thing is i can see my life with out him just as he can see his life without me i think i am just scared

Hi mjr

It's a horrible situation to be in, isn't it? I found out about my Hs A of over a year a couple of weeks ago and I feel in a very similar place to you.

I don't really consider myself to be a good person to offer advice, but my big advice to you is listen to all the other wise people who post here. This is a good place to get support, and it is also a good place just to write things down. I have found that writing here, and in a journal that I leave around for my H to read if he chooses to, have been very therapeutic for me. I'm not saying that it is easy - far from it - we've also been through a lot of crying and screaming recently (see my other posts) but we're hanging in there. I do believe that we can get over it - maybe you can too? In some ways I think your friends are right - perhaps you need to think about whether you really want to fix it, but I would seriously caution against doing anything in too much of a hurry. A lot of people here have said that they are relieved that they made a decision NOT to do anything drastic until a certain time (I think I remember 6 months?) That sounds like a really long time though, doesn't it.

Hang in there, and try to take good care of yourself!

Anyone else around here care to chip in with more informed advice?

unhappy_badger

You need to tell the OWH. If you have any proof, provide it for him. Do not tell your H ahead of time because he may inform the OW and she may make you out to be crazy.

OWH has a right to know. You would have wanted him to tell you had he found out first. These are the consequences that should not be ignored. This is whether or not the A is actually over. Other exposure is not be necessary if you really believe that the A is over.

Your H is not approaching recovery fairly. This can't be swept under the rug. I hope he will be willing to follow a proven plan for recovery so that you both can have a better marriage than pre-A. The Harley's have that plan in their books and materials. Get His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair. See if he will read them with you, or highlight parts of each for him as you read them. He needs to be actively involved in recovery with you if he expects you to heal.

I am sure exposure is going to be hell for you. I am sorry for that.

I will give you the "big-picture" overview of what would need to happen... in general terms.

You find out. Done that already
You decide what you are willing to do and arm yourself accordingly. Meaning... if you want out(some BS's do) then do that. If you want to work it out, you are best served reading the principles here and doing the question-thingys. He must participate. Willingly.
If the A is on going, exposure ends it. WAT is the exposure guru, but I do think that if the A is over right now, it is still prudent to inform the OW's H. He has the same rights as you in the "I get to know" area.
Once the A is ended, and an NC letter established, he has to divulge all details he can think of, remember... all of it. There is a wall of secrets between you and him if he does not do this. The wall of secrets must be gone to make the M work.
You have to be reponsible for your actions when he does tell you secrets, details... whatever. You have a right to your pain. Your feelings. You do not have a right to abuse him. Your mileage may vary on the interpretation of that... but abusive behavior towards a spouse is well defined in the Love Busters area in this site. Read them... know them. They are important.
Again... he needs to participate. Having him post here would be a good start. People will talk to him and tell him the deal. He can't keep all this inside and/or expect to just "bypass it" because it is uncomfortable. He has to tell you everything. He has to face it. There is so much more to it.... but getting info is the start.

I wish you luck and prayers. I am an FWS, so include that in your accessment of me. All I mean to inform you about here is use the information available. I am sure people more in the same shoes as you will post.

I am sorry you are dealing with this at all. Take care