OK..mostly I post on the Infidelity GQ thread, but I have a question for the men out there.

Over the past 12 out of 14 years of marriage I have always struggled with getting my now WH to do things. Ya now the Honey dews....what typically happens is that I ask him to do something...weeks go by and he hasn't done it. Mind you this can be a big job, * replace a window* or a little job, * paint a 4x8 area of patched dry wall. So most of these things can be done in 15-30 minutes. He doesn't do it...don't know why....so after asking him 3-4-5 times I become the nagging wife....so I usually try to do it myself, and then I get the wrath of him....Seems I can't do anything right, I use the wrong paint....I didn't prime right.... I put a hole in the drywall....."Why couldn't you just wait...blahblahblah"

Now we are in the midst of divorcing and he can't find the time to fill out the paperwork (Divorce is his idea) and guess what in order to move on with my life after 4 months of waiting...I am doing the work.

So my question is......whats a girl to do? Keep our mouths shut and let him do it when he gets a round to it? How do I motivate him to take control.....

Homer...out

I always make a list for my FI when I want some things done. I stick it on the fridge or somewhere highly visible.

As for the D paperwork - do you want a D? I don't see why you should have to fill it out either way, but if you're not in a rush then I would say sit on it and let him get around to it.

Cat

Cat....No I do not want a divorce, but I have been in limbo waiting for him to #1 make up his mind #2 do something about it. He goes about living his life as if there is no me, no marriage, no children. He has no set schedule to see the kids, all finances are still joint, he lives alone, is seeing an OW (denies it), doesn't wear his wedding ring. Tell me what I have to gain by hanging on. I am at my wits end, crying, yelling at my DD's.

I believe the only way to heal is to let go and that means totally...no contact....no seeing him...nothing. I guess I could go to plan B and let him file. I just cant give any more because I have nothing left.

Sounds like some kind of mutated passive-aggressive thing. Water under the bridge.

I guess tha tpart I don't get is why somehow you think he's going to be different now when he wants a D vs any of the other times? He's never shown any initiative originally as near as I can tell form your description, so I don't udnerstand why you think this time it will be different. There's a whole lot of history against you.

And if it really is unbearable, then I don't really understand what's keeping you from doing it. Are you hoping for some kid of 11th hour pardon? THat in the process of filling out the paperwork he's all of the sudden going to come to his senses, repent, and become the dream husband?

Wishful thinking.

Maybe I'll rewind a bit here. What are you really wanting? Understanding? Don't have an answer as to why he is the way he is. Do you want some kind of magic pill tha twill change him? Fresh out of those too. The only thing in your life you have control over is you.

Heck, maybe it's the time to clean out the accounts, change the locks, and tell him you'll let him back in when he's good and ready to fish or cut bait...

Jaye...I hear what your saying and I couldn't agree more.
Am I looking for a magic pill, am I thinking he is going to change? (doubt it) What I am looking for are pointers on how to be a better communicator and how to work with him.
He is the only one who can address his behavior and yes Passive aggressive exactly.

So the question is how do you work within your confines with a PA? If and when we can discuss our issues, what in your opinion are options that we can work with.

My H is a good man with many good qualities, currently as a WH he is not. I am waiting for my H to come back and then we can work on things one at a time. I believe that there is something that makes him not want to do things for me...resentment?.....doesn't like people to tell him what to do?....or the fact that while growing up someone else did everything for him (including making decisions)?....I am not a psychotherapist, just a wife who won't give up on her H.

I know that we are in for a long haul of therapy but everyone here at MB knows that.

Thanks for the input

Homer, I found you...
and I feel like a stalker!

Yes, I'm a stalker because I'm worrying about you...

First of all, you were meeting with your WH last evening. So, the proverbial "how are you???" is in order. How are you? How did it go?

Secondly...

Other than an Official Plan B, what are you kicking around in your mind as far as other options go? What I'm trying to say is... do you feel there's anything "better" to try at this point?

I HATE seeing you go through this pain day after day after day. I absolutely hate it.

Please post something... somewhere... ok?

That way I won't have to do this stalking thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Can you give an brief, appx word-for-word example of how an exchange would go? Sometimes, the how its said is as important as whats said.

Have you read and reviewed the BC material on this site, specifically the sections on LB's?