WH and I are meeting to go over the financial aspects of D.
He told me I needed to let go and move on. He wants a D.
That was three weeks ago and he hasn't even looked at the paperwork I gave to him 2 weeks ago.

I am not trying to get him to sit down with me and get thru the legalities because personally I can no longer live in limbo. I find myself crying in a heep on the floor and I am afrai if I don't detach soon I will end up in the hospital.

I DO NOT WANT a D but I don't know how to live in this purgatory any more. So I am doing what he asked, but as usually I am having to get the papers, set up meetings, fill out stuff....he is dragging his feet but won't say why.

So....when we meet tonight, I do not want to beg him to come home, I do not want to be the clinging needy wife. How do I tell him that I am not doing this by choice but for self preservation. Can someone please help me find the words that will help him understand that my love is still here, but this concrete block on my feet is just to much.
I beleive that there is still contact with the OW and her continues to lie about it...I realize that I can not stop him from doing it. I keep coming back to....what about our annual camping trip,....what about the family trips to our cottage,....

No one hear needs to give me a 2x4 because I have friends that do it all the time....I just need help to find the words tonight to tell WH I am letting him go but not by choice and not without great agony.

I'm no expert but have you tried Plan B? Or did you go from Plan A to Plan D. I'm on my way to Plan B. Check my thread in there from yesterday Trix put a link to my plan B letter
ARK^^ helped me put it together. Maybe you can get something out of it. Good Luck. I know how hard this is but limbo is worse!!

I just pretty much in no uncertain terms said ok you want a divorce fine - it is not what I want but it is what needs to be done because two people have to work on a marriage not one...and my children deserved some sort of stability - was I happy about it no - did I accept it at first NO - but now almost three years later I am becoming at peace with it - and realize that well my life is not perfect it is much better than the life he has with the OW and all of their betrayals and deception...I have my sanity it tack - and I was virtually losing it for quite awhile... But you will do what you have to do for yourself to survive - but the main key - is to do it for you - Not for of him... You cannot control him and or his actions - you have to safe yourself - be strong....

Confused can you give me the link to your Plan B letter.
Would it make sense to give him one tonight when he comes over to talk the D plan?

I am certain the A is still going and he is in denial.
I know in my heart Plan B would be better but I keep looking for closure and a way to move on with my life. A good friend keeps telling me the the horse is dead...stop beating it.

Once you go to plan B...then what?

Ark are you out there?

Homer,

Plan B should not be a spur of the moment knee jerk reaction. The logistics have to be worked out carefully before entering into it including securing your financial support, how to keep him out of the house, and how you will communicate.

Plan B may save your marriage, or save your sanity and let you end your marriage on your terms. Write the letter, here are some examples. Write a sample letter and post it here to be critiqued.

Figure out how you will administer your life within a plan B. If you can't abide by your own boundaries set in the letter, don't go this route. Plan B is not to manipulate them back, it is for you. Ideally it should only follow a good plan A, but I sense you cannot go on like this much longer. Enter plan B before you lose any desire to reconcile. Most wait too long.

Hi Homer-

I wanted to let you know that I was here to support you.

Did you file on him?? I think it's a sign that he hasn't done anything with the paperwork, I think it probably means he isn't sure this is what he wants.

Do you think you can maintain a business like attitude with him when you meet?? I'm not sure you necessarily need to communicate anything to him, not sure you need to let him know this isn't what you want. I think that maybe given his hesitancy that if you just keep it all business he'll wonder.........okay, who are you and what have you done with my wife. He'll think "Oh crap, she's serious" I would never suggest filing for a divorce unless you're POSITIVE that's what you want to do, but since the ball has already been set in motion, why not use it? Just be all business.

I don't think you should talk about *feelings* at all with him. Just be matter of fact. He's dragging his feet for a reason, he doesn't want to face what he's doing he wants it to just all go away.

I honestly think he'll wonder what on earth has gotten into you. I'm sure he expects you to be begging and crying and clinging when you meet, if you're not then he won't know what to do with that.....and like MM told me, WS's automatically think that you would stoop to the slimy behavior they have stooped to, so he's going to think that maybe YOU have found someone, maybe you don't think the sun rises because you're his wife anymore..........KEEP HIM GUESSING!!!!!

Just my .02 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

Caren, glad you posted. I have always been intrigued by your plight and how you seem to muscle your way thru. I have put together a plan B letter just in case I feel the need.
My SIL is taking the kids while we talk. She and her husband are 100% behind me and would like to see things work out but are pretty disgusted with the way WH has handled this whole thing. Yes my plan is to keep it business like, and formal.
I am determined not to snivel.... or give in.
Just...here are the $$$ how are we going to do this.
WH is leaving for a business trip tomorrow and I would like to give him some things to talk about.

I believe the EA is ongoing, but I hope I can not bring it up tonight. If things start getting emotional I think I will give him the Plan B letter and ask him to leave.

Am I way off on this? Am I doing the controlling, manipulative crap that I always do? I just want him to think about it and I guess if his decision is still to file for a D...then at least Plan B is in place and I won't have to deal with him until I get the papers.

I am just afraid that since the Plan B says....you will take the girls...and you will give me the keys to the house....and you will give child support...he will say, "The hell if I am going to do what you tell me"....is it OK for me to add then that I will handle those things legally if he won't work with me. ie Legal seperation??

Hi Homer,
As you know, I'm the No-Advice Man...
BUT, that doesn't mean I can't worry about you... and I have been... and I AM...

Do you HAVE to do anything tonight? Can you take a step back and, like Binder said, get a firmer plan in place -- for yourself?

Homer,

I have always liked your signature line. I ride horses and that is exactly right- emergency dismount!!! My D, not me, can start to fall and land on her feet sometimes. Maybe we should all learn that trick for the hard times in life. Remember, emergency dismount(ED)!! I think that is what I am doing right now. I guess that is another way of saying Plan B.

Remember, before you read my advice, that I am by no means an expert here. But, don't you think that if he wants the D, he should do the legwork. Can you not enter a Plan B first and see if that works or let him file. If your sanity is really at stake, I understand your need to let go (ED). But can't you do that thru Plan B and just be prepared for the legalities. I don't remember who it was,but somone here did just that, had a lawyer standing by.

I too, am afraid that my H will get mad and cut me off financially. I am almost dependant on him. This is just something that I am hoping that I don't have to deal with, yet trying to prepare for. As far as visitation, just be as fair as possible, while still protecting your children.

will check back later,

jls