I discovered my husband's infidelity on April 8th when I received an anonymous call on my cell phone from a woman who said "Your husband has been having an affair for two years and it's time you knew..."
Words can't describe the sick feeling I got in my stomach. All I know is that at that instant my life has turned into a nightmare.
My husband confessed and it turns out that the OW is a "friend" of mine. She's been divorced for years and her life is a messy one. I can't believe that my husband would choose such a person. Apparently, he grew to be emotionally attached to her because she "needed" him so. The woman who called me was a friend of hers and she did it in hopes that I would leave my husband so she could have him. My husband says she had been pressuring him to leave me and he said he told her he would never leave me that he didn't want to end our marriage.
My husband's confession involved several grueling question sessions from me. I wanted all the details of when, where, how. I got them. I have visuals now that I would need a lobotomy to erase. I see them in his office, at hotels, in my HOME, in the car having sex. I think of him calling her and talking bad about me (he denies this, but I'm not stupid) God, I am so angry! I hate this.

My husband and I have been married a lifetime. I am told all the time I am attractive, so I don't know what he saw in her. I feel so worthless now because to think he preferred her over me is such a blow to my self-esteem.

It has been almost 3 weeks since finding out and I am an emotional wreck. I have gotten drunk and laid in bed for days. I go 2 days without taking showers. I feel like I am a zombie. I am obsessed with the anger I feel and then I have periods of utter sadness and I even feel sorry for my husband. He cries with me and tells me he's sorry. I want to forgive him, just don't know how I will do so.

The only thought that brings me relief in my despair is the thought of revenge. I want to make him hurt as much as he has done me. I want to go out and have an affair now. I envision it and it lifts my spirits. Is this NORMAL? I think I am going crazy.

I have no one I can confide in. I have never ever been one to go to someone for help with problems, not even my parents. I am really a very private person and talking to someone about my problems would be very difficult. I've always been able to solve things intelligently myself. This all is beyond my comprehension and I feel so helpless...

I want to escape from this pain. I only like my life when I'm asleep and even that is difficult to achieve.

Thank you for letting me write these words. I've read some posts on here and feel a kinship with you who have expressed themselves in better ways than me.

I am SO sorry that you had to find this site, but it is a good place to VENT when venting at the cause of your pain in not productive toward rebuilding your M (if that is what you want).

Don't make the decision about your M right now, because I am already 7 weeks into my ordeal nad I wish I could go back and "do-over" a few of my emotionally based decisions.

Seek some professional help from a counselor. The drinking has to stop...it will only make things worse...if you think AD's might help, see a Dr and get a prescription.

We all know EXACTLY what you are feeling and it DOES get better...it doesn't seem like it now, but it will.

DO NOT HAVE a revenge A!!!!! You WILL regret it!!! It is a normal reaction, but IF you do it, nothing will have changed with your H and you will have debased yourself on top of that. It ain't worth it...

Keep writing as there are a LOT of really good people here who will be able to help you..

Hang in there...

WNB

Welcome Dee Cook,

I have a few things to say to you. First, do some reading on this site, read about needs, Love Busters, the 4 rules of marriage, the policy of radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. Then you might find it useful to get the book Surviving an Affair , SAA, by Harley. You will learn a lot.

Now let's talk about what you have posted. I know you are very very disturbed by this discovery. However, what I see in your post is the strong possibility for you to have a better marriage than before. Yup, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you can. Further, you might as well settle back abit, because this is going to take awhile for you to get through this (not over it), and for your marriage to recover.

So let me respond to a few things you have said. I understand that some of what I am about to say will seem a bit crazy right now, or just plain wrong, but give this time and you might change your mind.

You said:
First and foremost this is NOT about you. Want to know how I know? You said he said
This "lady" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> had him by the short and curlies (pardon my graphic language) and he still did NOT want to end the marriage. Why? The answer is you. I know you don't realize this now, and sure don't feel like it now, but you over matched his Other Woman, OW. He had choices and you won.

You might point out he also had a choice about the A and you would be right. You said but you do know.


You are now going to hear something that you will hear over and over on this site, so please read this carefully. YOU had NO part in his decision to have the A. It was NOT your fault, it was NOT about you. HOWEVER, you had a role in the status of the marriage and clearly he was vulnerable. You have not said how long you two have been married, but you have also indicated that this is a first for him.

Here is where you need to read about NEEDS. Here is where you and your H need to do the NEEDS questionaire. Harley came to the conclusion years ago, that many seemingly happy couples were clueless about their spouses needs and more importantly how to meet them. He felt that if they became aware of them, and tried to meet them, the quality of the marriage would improve the rate of divorce would go down. Further, he noted that couples often Love Busted each other, sometimes without even knowing it, through Disrespectful Judgments. You can read about all of this here and more in his books.

The point is he needed to be needed. I am just guessing but he felt for whatever reason you no longer needed him and he liked the feedback he got when he did something to help this woman, and...things were off to the races.

Finally you said
Was it hard for you to do with your H as well? Please think about this. One of his needs from you is to be a bigger part of your life and know that he was. Dee, I am not blaming you, but an event such as an affair is an opportunity to review everything and set things on firmer ground via open and honest communications. I will bet he hated answering your questions as much as you hated hearing them. Keep talking to him, open up to him, you will learn a lot.

Perfect! You are absolutely the right person to use this information here. It is logically oriented, it is cause and affect based and it works.



You won't in a while. Read the artcles here and read some of the posts and you will see that surprisingly enough, affairs, marriages have very strong patterns, hence they are amenable to repair and healing using a common approach.

Hang in there, keep reading and posting and most of all ask LOTS of questions. The poeple here will talk to you. Ultimately you might want to post in the General Questions section as it has more traffic. But wait until you are comfortable here.

This can work out.

God Bless,

JL

Dee
I rarely post here anymore,but I read your thread and it sounded so much like me back then,I know,we all know how you feel and what you are going thru.........

It has only been 3wks and every emotion you are having is so normal.You are lucky to have found this site so early in your recovery.It was six months past d-day when I found this site so for me it was six months of feeling so alone.

Come here and vent,get ideas,get help from those of us that have already traveled down this road.

You need to talk about it we are here.

Take care,keep posting....

I am in a similar situation that happend about 6 weeks ago. I found out that my wife had an affair. I have been also search for someone to tell me I am not crazy. Fortunately my closets friends have been helpful and I have been reading alot. I would recommend After the Affair (isbn:0-06-092817-4) and How do I forgive you (isbn:0-06-000931-4). I am still working through these but they have put my mind at ease at times, it explains exactly what I was feeling and thinking.



I feel for you, I am going through this and now (today) my wife is refusing to speak about it anymore. She has made it clear she will stonewall me. If anyone can suggest what I can do? I for some reason to hear the details again.


I am also an emotinal wreck and for me it is difficult since I have also been independant and able to contol my emotions well. I also am obsessed the exact same way.. If anything this tells me we are not crazy. I have no idea how to forgive this either.. I am not certain I want to.



I couldn't have said this better. This is exactly what I am feeling. However I came to the point that I had to tell and I don't care who knows regardless of the end result (leaving or working it out together) I do feel embarassed and worthless around my peers and it is hard. I have had to leave work many times in the past couple of weeks. I left work for about 3 weeks, I simply couldn't cope with any pressure.

I also have thoughts of revenge and I have spoke to the other man. I would like to share more about this in private if you would care to hear it, I think I can give you advice on what not to do.


Please feel free to email directly. In fact I would like to talk with someone in my same situtation.

randybell@smithersbc.net

Hi,

Sorry to see you on this board but you have come to the right place where many wonderful people who were in the same situation as you are right now are willing to give you help and advice.

I'm now 3 months pass D-day. I was in complete wreck as you are for 8 weeks before I can start thinking about saving my self. I'm still in pain and anger now but I can say that I'm back in to the real world now.

I've found this place just a week after D-day and I got the help I needed to deal with my emotions. Please come here and post often to vent or getting advice.

You are still in the early stage, just hang in there you will feel better especially when your Husband still wants you and work on the marriage, you still have good chance.

At first when people here tell me that I will get better, I doubt it very much because the pain and anger was so deep. But it did I feel better day by day not much but just little by little. I pray and thank God everyday for the strength he gave me to stand up again.

My wife is still with me, she was really sorry for what she did and committed to make it up to me. I don't know if I can trust her words again. I can only try to work it out too. I have 2 kids so I must try very hard.


Don't get a revenge affair; it will make you feel worse. You don't have to be a bad person just because your husband betrayed you; you are just a faithful wife. I felt that way too, it's normal.

Right now take good care of your self, the answer you need is within your self, it will come to you one day. God bless you.

I know what you are going through, it will be one month on the 15 of may that my husband told me.

It is the hardest things that you will every have to go through. One day your up and the next you are down. I still have visions and thoughts in my head about them and it is very hard to make them go away. You need to worry about yourself and your kids if you have any.

You will find that one minute they want to talk about what has happened and the next they don't, but please don't expect any amazing to happen. My H has goine back to kinda being the person he was, I have asked he to so me that he cares a bite more but they have to want to, you can't force them.

You have to remember that you and you h lost a connection and even through the affair has nothing to do with you, he found confort in someone else and that is the hardest part.



When you say this I asked myself the very same thing, I told my h what more do you want, you have a pretty wife to great kids, money a great job everything. And we have been married for 6 years I told him that I the past six years, i was a wife and a mother and now that i have lost weight and are starting to feel good about myself, you go and do this.

That hurts and the thing is the women is order then him, I told my husband that most men would be happy to have a good looking wife who is 10 years younger. Everyone now at his work and his friend all say how great I look and it make me feel good but on the other hand it is like why now, did he like it better when no one noticed me?


The one thing that you need to make sure of is that he is no longer having contact with the OW. My h still is working with the other women but they don't talk anymore. And I know this because I ask around the office. Even my family has noticed that they aren't talking. And have started to ask my questions

I was at the office yesterday and I say her because I had to drop some work off. And everytime I see her I get this sick feeling in my stomach.

I do need to ask for some help we got invited to a friends sons birthday party and I know for a fact that the OW was invited with her family.

Now when my H told me he said that we would not go, but I said why? If our friend invites us how can we not go right?

If the OW and her family is there what I am going to do? there are going to be many events that we are going to have to go to and she is going to be there.

I tell my husband that if she touched my kids then I will say something to her, and when I say that he get mad and tells me not to start.

Our kids and her kids know each other, we were on holidays with them in march and the thing is I think that my h is nerves because this is the first time we are all going to be in the same room, and her h does not know.

so if any one can give some advice please let me know

Welcome Dee,

In reading your post, I felt as though I wrote it. I was exactly where you are 1 year ago. I am here to tell you things can and will get better for you, your H, and your M - if you want that, and if you faithfully follow the priciples of MB.

I, too could not believe my H would risk everything - M to an attractive W (for an OW older than me!), his kids, a nice home, position in the community - all for a cheap, tawdry A with a (like your H's) needy, unstable OW.

But, I believe this is part of the WH's problem. Some men are attracted to needy OW, expecially the 'damsel in distress' type, especially if the wife is accomplished, and the H doesn't feel 'needed' at home. The OW plays on this (what I call the "Prince Charming Complex"), flattering your H, manipulating him into becoming closer, and closer until the line is crossed.

This does not excuse your H! He made a huge, horrible mistake. He should have referred this OW to a good counselor.

So, what to do? Well, first, take care of yourself. Alcohol is NOT your friend. Exercise. Get your hair done. Buy some new clothes. Retail therapy.You are going to do a great Plan A. Read everything here. Read about Plan A, all of the information on this site.

About telling people in your life: I did not tell anyone. The consequence of this is loneliness. The answer is this site. I tell you MB became my support system. You are lucky that you found MB so early in the process. I was not so lucky, but find it I did, and what I learned here saved my M, and my sanity.

Post here often. Good bless. I will look for your posts.

Dee

I am so sorry you have to come here. Your post reminds me of how I felt and feel sometimes. The replies above just mirror what I would say to you.

I am in my 5th month after D-Day and things have definatly gotten better and I see that it was worth it for me to stay. Not worth it for my M, or my FWW...but worth it for me. I found that by making myself a better person, both physically and mentally then all the other pieces fit in. My FWW saw what she did and what she almost lost by having her A that she was forced to fix her side of our marriage. We are now in a much better place then ever in our 11 years of marriage...unfortunatly there is still a black cloud that appears now and again...but not as frequently.

All I can say is things will get better and you will be glad you decided to work it out, but only if your H does his part. So let me stress this. Your H has to be 100% honest from now on. He has to work his [censored] of in helping you heal. He has to fix what he did even if it takes the rest of your lives. You should also never forget that this could happen again, so you can protect and defend your M. But imho...if he does it again...give him no quarter...just leave. He obviously didn't get what he did to you.

Hi Dee. I'm so glad to meet you, and sorry to meet HERE. I found out a week after you did and am going through a lot of the same things. One day I'm okay....looking ahead to a better relationship. The next I'm a wreck...wanting to confront the OW and tell her H. I got us into counseling immediately, which is helping our overall relationship, but I need more immediate short term help. How do we deal with the images, and the lack of sleep? When I do sleep I have bad dreams about it. How are we supposed to get through the days? Please feel free to contact me privately if want someone to chat with. My friends and family are very supportive, but what I really feel I need is someone who has been through it. Is that the same way you feel?

We've been married for 4 years and together for 2.5 before that. I thought everything was great! We still go to sleep at night holding hands! I knew that things like this happen to couples all the time, but not this early in the marriage and not when we were so happy! Our only major issue was a difference in sex drives. I didn't think that was that big of a deal. Boy was I wrong!

Needless to say the A (a co-worker) was sexual in nature (not emotional). In fact, he ended it because she was getting to "involved". He explained that he wasn't looking for a companion...he already had that in me. Anyway, she didn't take it too well and over several months made his work life hell until she eventually cried sexual harrassment and had him fired. That's when he realized how bad he really screwed up. Then eveyone knew...except me. He had brought several of his good friends to work with him at the same company so all of our friends knew after he got fired. He confided in my sisters H (they were good friends). My sister ultimately overheard a conversation and had to keep it a secret (at her H's demand). My sister eventually broke down and told me and my world came crashing down.

When I confronted him with it he let it all out. He claims he's totally in love with me and always has been, but did it solely for the sex. I understand that I am responsible for not filling his needs, but nothing I could have done (or not done) would warrant this! He wants to work it out and swears that he'll do anything to keep it together.

I love him sooo much and want it to work. We have two beautiful kids and a great family life. I got us into counseling immediately and it is going well. We're getting along great and have basically fallen in love all over again. Great right?

Wrong! I'm still a wreck! I don't know how to reconcile all of these feelings. When I get up at night to feed our 3 month old I find myself just hashing through everything over and over again. Then I can't go back to sleep. When I do sleep I have dreams about it. If I keep myself busy I'm fine, but any moment of piece and quiet and it starts all over again. I don't know how to do this!

I want to send her a letter explaining that he's great...he has his family intact...a great new job...etc. I'm the one that is messed up! She even took pics of our daughters playing together at the company picnic! I want to follow her home one night so that I can tell her husband! To top it off...she was also messing around with another guy who was already on his second chance with his wife (who I'm friends with). My husband begs me not to call the OW, or her H, or my friend, and I understand that he doesn't want to be involved in all that drama, but I can't stop thinking about it!

There are other things that I have found out about that are a problem too, and they all just circle in my head when I'm alone. I feel like my husband "got away with it" and I'm being help captive. How are we supposed to get through these first few months? I'm confident that our M can survive it and even come out stronger, but I need more immediate help. Do I confront her (even in just a letter)? Do I confront the her husband? What about the friend?

I don't know if there are right and wrong answers to these questions, but I would love to get an opinion from someone in my boat.

As for you...hang in there and post whenever you need. I'll look for you on here if you need to talk. Please do the same for me. Good luck and HEALTH to you. I was already on antidepressants before this, so I'm sure that's helping me. You might consider talking to someone about some for yourself too. It's easy for us to blame ourselves and fall into depression.

Take care
Lindsay

Hello Randy, fellow BC-er,

Welcome. Here's a letter you might show your wife on your need to know all the horrid details. It helped my husband.

The "Need to Know"
by Peggy Vaughan


Why we need answers to our questions

When learning of our partner's affair, most of us feel an intense "need to know" - asking questions to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened.

Here's an excerpt about this from my book, The Monogamy Myth

"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn't they be told what they want to know. They feel they're being treated like a child, and they resent it.

"If the information didn't exist, it wouldn't be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It's doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists.

"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough, let's get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind."

(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth")

While I have consistently heard this same thing from thousands of people during the past 20 years, there's still a great reluctance on the part of those who have had affairs to answer questions and to continue talking about the whole situation. Unfortunately, there has also been a large segment of the therapeutic community that has reinforced the idea that too many questions and too much talking is not for the best.

I now have statistical data that demonstrates the connection between honest communication and both staying married and recovering. I have posted some results from my Research Questionnaire that may help people see the importance of respecting this "need to know."

While it's important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you "should" ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It's just that it's essential to get answers if you DO ask.

While for most people, "getting answers to your questions" is a key ingredient in rebuilding the trust and building a strong marriage, no one should be forced to hear things they don't want to hear. But if they DO want to hear details, they deserve to have their questions answered. It's the WILLINGNESS of the partner to answer questions that is so critical, not whether or not you ASK for the answers.

So each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It's important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, "not knowing" is worst of all - because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases.

Joseph's Letter

I want to share a beautiful example of a letter one man wrote in his effort to get his wife to answer his questions. This was originally posted on my BAN Message Board before it was closed. While I didn't keep any of the messages posted on that board, this was so exceptional that I got Joseph's permission to include it in "Peggy's Forum" so it could continue to be accessed by people who didn't read his original posting.

So I'm including it here as a clear statement of the "need to know," as well as a clear explanation of why you ask the questions:

To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

)

Thank you Natalie.

These are the hard words that I have been trying to explain to my wife.

For any one else reading the post, I truely believe that if your spouse has done this that you owe it to yourself and your spouse owes you the whole truth, no matter what the end result. For my self, living with the partial truth or my own imagination in filling the blanks is more difficult.

I want to thank all those that took the time to respond to my post.
When I wrote that post I was in a toxic spiral of pain. I never understood the term "brokenhearted". I do now.

There is an Irish proverb that states "The best medicine is a good laugh and a long sleep"... I took many of your suggestions, stopped the drinking (I've found out that alcohol only numbs the pain initially, but then exacerbates leaving me melancholic, depressed and unable to think clear-headed)
Here's what has transpired. I left for a few days and was around my small grandchildren. Their laughter, sweet touch and pure needs lifted my spirits. Hearing myself laugh with them after all these weeks was a welcomed respite. With the help of Unisom I was able to get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I have returned home now and although I'm feeling a broad spectrum of emotions, from sadness to vapidness, I am managing not to feel despair.
My husband and I are continuing to communicate. He's attentive, thoughtful, but I am feeling distant. He asks me what I feel, and I tell him. At times, looking at him as he speaks I feel as though I've never known this person. It's disconcerting at times. My perspective of life is skewed; I've become distrustful where once I believed what people said to me. We will be seeing a marital counselor within the coming days.

Thank you to WHnowBS, JustLearning, gingersnap, rbell, nago, mjr, HealingT4J, Hemidart, lindsay and Natalie.
Your words, advice, suggestions have been very helpful and I'm very grateful.

D

DEE
It looks as tho you are doing good all things concidered.Much better than I did at that stage in the game.

I also was a great believer in people,I am not anymore.I really miss that about myself.I think it was one of the things that made me so unique that I still even at my age had a childlike faith in people and what they said,and how they presented themselves.Now I find myself questioning everything,and analyzing ever move.

I also have found comfort in my grandchildern.They love like no other.Their love is probably the one thing that has carried me this far.

I will tell you this,,,,,,,,,that when I did decide to let people know what had happened it lifted a burden from my shoulders,I know longer had to carry the pain and hurt alone.If you have not told anyone about what is going on you may think of doing this.

Best of luck to you.Keep us posted.

Dee,
I'm so glad that you are pulling yourself together. I'm learning that it's a hard road and that you have to take it a day at a time and decide everyday that you will get through it. Marriage counseling will hopefully guide you in the right direction.

I understand what you said about not knowing your husband. I feel the same way sometimes. I feel like the person and life that I've been so in love with didn't really exist. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That's really hard to accept. I have to wake up every day and decide that I can get through this, that WE can get through this, and that I still have a life with my H ahead of me regardless of what's behind me. It's not always easy, God knows, but if I have trouble with it that day, I try again the next. And if I have too many days when I don't think the M will survive....that's okay too. I'm not the one that broke our vows and I know that I did what I could to save it.

One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is that my H has ruined my faith in honesty for EVERYONE. Like you, I find it hard to believe a lot of things now. He has stolen that from me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> That is very sad, but that is also something built into my decision to "make it through today". Hopefully, our counseling will help me with that. I'm going to ask the counselor if I can see her individually to work on some of these issues. Like I said in my previous posts, the marriage counseling is good for US, but I need help with my own issues that my H isn't going through. You might consider the same thing.

Keep in touch. This board is helping me tremendously. Don't forget, we all have those really bad days when all hope seems lost....we're here having them too. Maybe they won't all happen to us on the same days and we can all help each other get through them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Lindsay