Dday was last Saturday morning, night before I confronted him about what seemed to be bothering him and he told me things werent working and he thinks we should split. Blew me over, he originally told me of the A in Sept and he said it was over and we were moving on and he didnt love her etc. So Friday this all comes around and he leaves for the night. Comes home before daylight and tells me he is sorry he loves me and doesnt really want to leave. Still clueless I am just happy to have him back and smiling again. So several hours later he has to clear his quilt and tells me he was seeing her again for the past month and he loves her and she him, but its over and he wants me. As I proceded to saying okay lets move on, first tell her this. He backs out freaks out and starts saying hes not sure what to do. Rollercoaster ride later, by Sunday AM he is heading to his moms to think bout what he wants. Comes home middle of the week and I have not brought it up, not complained, a whole new me, but when he left Sunday originally I gave him my wedding rings and said when u are sure u want me, put them back on. As of last night, still no rings and his only excuse has been he is not sure I can get over all this because since the original DDay in Sept, I bring it up all the time and wont let it go. Well I thought I was doing great, just really want it all behind us and him loving me again, but he is distant. Last night comes home and tells me he is very angry and doesnt know why, needs to go to moms to have time to think alone. Still says its not over and he loves me just needs to find out why he is so angry and snaps over little issues with everyone. Is this normal. Is he just angry because he had to choose? I gave him a way out. Told him he could go to her but he had to make a choice and that I would always love him. Maybe its quilt, that I am treating him so good after all he has done. I am really confused. I dont want to jump to quickly to giving up if this is a normal pattern for WS. I just dont know how to react. I will be patient if thats what it takes, but dont want to make apologies for the mess he made and dont want to ride this emotional roller coaster anymore. I have vowed not to call him or try to see him, to make all future steps his because it is making me bitter to try so hard for no results. But because of the kids we see each other at baseball games and such. What should I do, I dont want to shun him as if I am the angry one, I am not, but dont want to seem too eager to take him back if he hasnt resolved his issues.....THanks for all the advice. GOD BLESS

Sounds normal to me. Actually kind of mild. I got worse from my WW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Read through some of ARK's Plan A on how to handle it. Reiterate that his relationship with her doesn't help your relationship.

Don't stress in front of him. Stay cool. It's hard, but you can do it. As Orchid and Melody Lane say... He's in the fog.

The anger and depression will get worse as he tries to separate himself from her.

SIS

Is OW married?

Is OW a co-worker?

Pep

buckle up bullwinkle..
cause you are in for a bumpy ride....

1. you decide if you want to work/rebuild your marriage..which is and always remains your choice to make

2. you read here and read here and you read more...i suggest you seek out within the last 3-4 pages bobpures guide to newcomers as well as posts linked by WAT

3. you begin by telling your husband that you made a grave emotional mistake when you gave him YOUR wedding rings...and that you want them...and you PUT them back on your finger..
YOUR rings
YOUR marriage...
holds great value and meaning in YOUR life and the symbolism for what they stand for and what core beliefs YOU hold on marriage are not changable nor subjected to the confused thoughts of your husband...YOU wear YOUR rings for they have great meaning

3. You apologize for your temporary episodes of emotion and thoughts...and you tell him that while you know you Told him he could go to her but he had to make a choice and that I would always love him. that was mixed up confused thinking on your part...and that it is NOT OK he goes to her...and that each and every second of contact that he is in with her...is a direct sabotage on your feelings and leaves feeling the most unprotected you have ever felt in your life since you believed with your heart and soul he would always protect you

4. You secure your finances...your husband stands at a cross road which can reign down great chaos into your childrens lives...and that is not acceptable...
He stands at a point that with his actions he teaches his children that moms and dads are simply replacable when one becomes interested in others....and the thought that if dad can replace mom so easily and she is a grown up with power ...then surely they themselves can be replaced as easily if not easier since they are just children...
you tell him that if he is flirting with the idea that his children only want his happiness he is not thinking clearly children want their parents together and you are willing to create that safe environment they need

5. You seek legal counsel to establish any and all rights you have in your state that dad can not under any circumstances expose the children to this person

6. you identify here with posters his weak 'reasons' for his affair...why does he claim he is having an affair...what does he say went wrong in the marriage...and know this is not to imply for a millisecond that anything you did or didn't do is responsible for
his chioices to do what he is doing...

7. you do not beg or be emotional around him..you present an up beat in control person who is rational..BUT you do not agree to insane requests....let him go be with her...grrrrrr.

8 you read all about plan A...and you try to meet and work on his weak reasons for the affair..
you show him hope that you believe he and you can fix things...and rebuild a marriage that is worthy of both of you...

9. YOU expose his choices to have an affair to select family members...discuss this here before doing...

10. YOU go see a doctor for the stress will be great and you may find yourself depressed...but this is NOT the time to go belly up...

11. You don't beg or plead with him

his anger is his self hatred of what he has created turned outwards..the more he makes YOU the enemy the more he jusifies his actions...
the more he can villify you the more he can say..

see how she is controlling
see how she is emotional
see how she is angry...
you defuse ALL you can..by not playing in to his game...keep defusing
keep debunking his reasons and myths

and soon he will have to face himself...

12. You invite him to family dinners and activities...when he refuses you carry on without him...when he agrees you delight him then you send him on his...the better it's going..the better the time is to say...thanks for stopping by buh-bye!!! and scoot his butt out the door.
you fill your home with light and laughter and make it a sanctuary..

how old are the children
how are they doing
who is the OP

ARK^^

Thanks for the replies.
Well the OW was a coworker, no she is not married her H died some time before she worked with him, she has two children in elementary school I believe and I guess is supported somehow because she is in college. Downside, she worked with him as an internship and was promised a job by his boss when she completes her schooling. So whatever happens she may be back. They work crews and I am sure she wont have to be on his, but they may cross paths at work.
I didnt tell any of his family, but he did. I have found out, just about everyone we know, knows there are problems w/ M most of them knew before me I guess.
As for the reasons he says the A started. He has none, he says it has nothing to do with me its all him and he has no excuses for himself. I have gained a lot of wt since we married, but I have been the same size for several years. Lost 20 lbs recently and am working on it for me. We rarely fought, but the A started when I started a new job for my Sheriffs Office. Maybe he felt I didnt need him dont know. I began working nights for the first time in our lives, so with his always needy self I wasnt there for him. But he has never said as much, these are my thoughts as to my part in the whole demise of the M.
I have my rings here and will put them back on today. Will see him tonight. He called me this morning to tell ask me about sons baseball game. I gave him the info he needed and then dead air a min and the call ended, still no I love you on his end, but I didnt say it either, I guess I am always testing him to see if he will do or say the right thing and I was waiting to see if he would say it, but nope.
As far as I know the OW is out of the picture, but I feel she is still in his mind and heart. I do believe the anger is to provoke me.
As for my children they are 13,14,15. My middle son has been daddys little sidekick most of his life till teenage years put friends at top of his list of course. He is taking this the hardest of the three. H gets saddened by son ignoring him, but I try to talk to my son and let him know this is not his fault and his dad will work it out somehow. He is on this roller coaster too and is very attentative to whats going on.
As for being around him, you are saying be independant me. Not needy, not ugly, just fun me. And to include him still in family things and let him choose to go or not. I hope I am understanding. What about contact with him. I still make sure he knows I love him, but strong and not willing to give him everything. You say get legal counsel. We do not have much so what if I just get the paper work and tell him we need to get the finances figured out and such or is this sending him the msg that I am giving up and pushing for a Divorce?
He has tried to make me make all the choices here. Feel like he is trying to see if he can anger me enough to file, so he wont have to choose btwn me and OW, because I did. He acts like all is normal between us when we talk or when I see him, at least he did when he went to his moms the first time. This usually makes me very mad, but I just act casual, however I find it hard to not break down if he tries to hug me goodbye or something. I will try to be strong. I sometimes think he likes me to be so broken and when he is at home, I am working so hard to make it right that he gets guilty again or something. Feels like when he is away, he feels a freedom and wants to act like he did when we were dating. ugh! I dont know how to play it. Will read and read and read. You are all so wonderful. GOD BLESS EACH ONE OF YOU.

WH told me last night that when he is home, he becomes overwhelmed with guilt and then gets bitter. This leads to him pulling away from me and wanting to be alone. I still cannot be sure the guilt isnt actually his guilt about what he did to OW or that he isnt just thinking about her. He says its not, but has admitted that we cant even have intimacy without the images coming and the quilt overwhelming him. Still sounds to me that the images may be of her, because I know that those are the thoughts I have had at the most inopportune times.
It hurts to think that, but he says he wants the M to work, how can he work on the feelings of guilt when he isnt at home. The feelings are there when we are together, if we arent together then of course no feelings like that.
He also said, in a letter, that he wants to work on falling in love with me again. Well I dont know how to make him fall in love wiht me again, dont really know the difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone.
I have told him that my EN have not been met in a long time, that I have spent so much time working on what may have gone wrong in the M that I still feel its all about him. The A was about what he wasnt getting that he needed, telling me about the A was because he felt guilty and wanted to get it out, and the recovery has all been about him working out his issues, while I am getting hurt from every angle.
So now I have told him I will stop asking him to come home, stop trying to fix everything, because this just adds to the quilt for him and I cannot fix his love for me. I have told him to try and use his energy to look for the happiness when the guilt comes, but he is stubborn and doesnt understand that.
I dont know what letting him stay away indefinately will bring in the end. I am left with an empty bed, empty heart and no where to focus my energy. At least before, I was trying to fix everything, it kept me busy. Now i have to learn to get over him, until he wants to return, so when he does, will I need him any more?
I dont know if I need to go back to plan A during this period or what. Should I move on to plan B? I think she is out of his life, but maybe not totally out of his heart. He has told me OW is not an option, dont know if she kicked him to the curb or if he is not wanting to be with her.
I do want contact with him if it is productive, he has never been the kind to shower me with attention. But the past few months were exceptionally difficult as he would literally push me away or turn away from me.
He has been away from home off and on for 3-4 weeks now and is no closer to conquiring his guilt or finding a solution to overcoming these issues, so being away from home feels like a vacation to me, no worrying about anything, staying at his moms while she takes care of him, I am kind of jealous I didnt have somewhere to go and walked out the last time instead of him.
Oh well, think I am rambling again.
Thanks for listening, hope everyone is doing well. GOD BLESS

first off...quit focusing on him...and focus on you and get yourself in to a strong Plan A that has a definite time factor....at which time your plan is to go to Plan B....

quit giving much weight to his ramblings and get on with your life....

Well I dont know how to make him fall in love wiht me again,
ofcourse you do...you act like you acted when dating..
happy to hear from him
happy to see him
smile at him
make eye contact etc...
talk to him about things that are interesting etc...

quit giving him in what he says he wants and needs in words...
and start focusing on your actions...


So now I have told him I will stop asking him to come home, stop trying to fix everything, because this just adds to the quilt for him and I cannot fix his love for me.

no relationship talk
all conversations light and airy happy to hear from him..
you hang up first
you be a little to distracted to talk...and say..hey let me call you back right in the middle of something..

let him wonder what the middle of something is...

rearrange the furniture..paint a room all without his consent...

no relationship talk.

no asking how the guilt meter is...

upbeat charming flirty short sweet interactions and then cut him off....

man living at moms house is pathetic not a vacation...

ARK^^

H is still out of the house, his choise not mine. I have begun trying to find activities for myself. I really do not have a lot of friends, I have spent most of my spare time with H for the majority of our M. I dont have enough money to shop every day but did go buy some paint to beginning making some changes around the house. We have a old home and its always needing some sort of work done. So that is where I am focusing my free time for now. Today is the first day we interacted without bringing up the relationship at all. Yesterday it was okay but when he was leaving my son came home and walked off crying that H was not staying and I pointed that out to H. I have trouble not making him see what he is doing to everyone.
The night before when I has seen H, he acted like nothing was different and I stood back and didnt make any effort to say goodbye to him, was waiting to let him make that move and he said "wow you dont have to be so cold" and I just wigged out again. Goodbyes are the hardest, and I was trying to keep my mouth shut but failed, and when I talk it is starting to sound like a lecture or an explanation of where things appear to be in the M from my point of view.
He never says much, just that he loves me and everything be fine, this will be over soon and everything will work out. Says he is sure we will get back together, but HOW? How can he say that, but still have issues about coming home.
I am hoping he will learn a lot while he is gone, I told him a few days back I am going to give it a month, that is the first goal I can set, I will try to shut my mouth and let him do his thing, I am sure the OW is out of the picture, we are just down to the fact that we have lost a lot of love along the way to the A and since.
I am hoping that all of us will grow as a family and that we will have a much better, stronger, closer family once he returns.
Any suggestions on how to talk to him, without the M being a topic open for discussion. Most people talk about things going on in their lives, but this IS what is going on in my life. If I talk to a friend, we talk about how things are going. So how do I talk to HIM? We actually have little to say if its not about the M. I am the talker and I dont know where to begin, if we do talk for a while, its always short and I have the goodbye problem and want to keep him talking so eventually I go to the M subject. Doesnt usually take me long either, so for today I just pretty much avoided him and when he called I did have to rush, but I am never the one to end the call first.
Well thanks for letting me vent. Hope all is well with you.
GOD BLESS

I am insane these days, I tried to back off and I did okay for a day or two then its like it just builds when I dont say anything, so when I finally do, I explode.
He used to let me talk about it, now he cuts me off and says he doesnt want to be nagged or whatever. Last night he told me he didnt know what MY problem was. WHATEVER can we say denial?
I know I need to distance myself or this M will end soon. I just want him home and loving me and I guess I get mad that I will do anything to save the M and he does nothing but say I know it will be okay. How can he know that, is it because after all this, I am still here so I will always be here?
I am not so sure any more. I just pray for strength to learn to live. To live with or without him . I feel I am nothing without him and with him I feel worse unless HE is happy that day. I am too old do not know how to live alone. I go into panic without him, sit on the edge of my seat waiting for his call. Look up poems and songs for him, and write him unanswered love lettes. He gives me the time of day and tries to do so with a smile, that is his contribution.
I feel from listening to myself right now, that I am bitter. I do not want to become bitter and nasty, on the contrary I want to feel actual happiness for the first time in a long time. I want to feel loved again and I cannot with a wall built around me.
I am coming here to testify that I will back off even if its the hardest thing I ever do. I intend to stay away and let the anger turn back into love. I intend to learn to be happy without someone elses approval. I intend to smile again and mean it.
Thanks for listening and any ideas for such a new lease on life, please share. THANKS GOD BLESS YOU ALL