My wife and I have been married for a year and 6 months, we dated for 8 years and lived together for 2 of those. When we first got married she got a job teaching 2nd grade and at the school there was this guy that she taught in her cohort with. Well when my wife got home she would talk about him possibly having an affair with another teacher @ school because that was the rumor going on, so I automatically labeled him as an adulterer until I met him. Well turns out we became friends with him and his wife and hung out with them until my wife came home from school and I found a poem that he wrote, I confronted my wife with it and she said it was not for her that he used her legal pad during a meeting and forgot to tear it out and it was for his wife. I dismissed it but I became so worried and she saw the distrust I had in her, i mean I was constantly checking her cell phone and our home phone caller id and the redial. I immediately ended the friendship but I still checked on her every move, i am a worrier. Well three months later I found out that they had been e mailing each other @ school and i went to the school and confronted her and we resolved it I thought. This guy was moved to another school and in the mean time he was seperated from his wife. Well three weeks ago I ran into him with his girlfriend and he introduced me to her, well the very next night his girlfriend calls me with him in the vehicle and tells me that my wife has been calling him so she put me on the line with him and i ask him has my wife been calling you and he said yes. I then ask him as he had sex with my wife and he said yes, so I confronted my wife and she said that it was a lie. So the next day I told her she needed to confront him about his lies so all three of us got on the phone and my wife confessed to me right there and then. She said she wanted a divorce and she was just not happy being with me, she felt not conneceted to me anymore. During this affair we built a new house and she would constantly spend money on the house, speak of our future together such as children and other things. We went to church she took sermon notes and when we would pray @ night she would thank GOD for me being in her life, she would even want us to get up early so we could spend time toghether in the mornings. Since all of this has happened the guy is going to counceling with his wife and they are trying to work things out. My wife says she doesnt want to reconcile the marriage but she did go to one counceling session but said she did not feel comfortable talking to him. I do want our issues and marriage worked out. What do I do? She has a past family history of Bi Polar. She lashes out at me and seems really angry, she told some of her friends that she is confused and doesnt know what do do. She told me last night that she is just not in love with me. What do i do? She said today that we would try to be friends and see what happens after the divorce, we actually talked today twice

Welcome. Calm down. Your wife is acting in the normal, confused way after D-Day. She has been confronted with her lies and is having trouble working with it. Take nothing she says seriously for right now. Her behavior is likely to be erratic and contradictory.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Have you read the stuff on this website?

Gotta run. I've spent too much time on the boards today after weeks of being unable to log on.

But what do I do just let her be and let her contact me? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

GA Boy:

Just some friendly advice.

For future reference,
Please break your thread into paragraphs (it makes it much easier to read and therefore Understand).

Unfortunately, Some posters will give up on a long post that is basically one long sentence.

Not trying to be critical, simply wanting you to get as many responses as you can.

Good Move in coming here!
take care

GABOY, she is probably very confused right now because she is embarrassed and she is in withdrawal from the OM. She does not believe she deserves forgiveness. Right now, I would just take it easy and make sure you don't lovebust her.

Assure her that you can forgive her if she is willing to end all contact with the OM. Don't agree to get a divorce and don't agree to be her "friend." Just do your best to be supportive and meet any needs that you can. Don't push her, plead or nag. As she withdraws from the OM, try and attract her back to you. Become a safe haven that she will want to come to.

I would suggest getting the book Surviving an Affair as soon as you can.

Gaboy,

ML is right on the money.

Do NOTHING rash for three months.
Plan A! Meaning be as nice as pie, meet her ENs, and no LBs (love busters)

Her guilt (hopefully there is mucho) which she felt during the A, is now turning to anger, depression, shame, etc. which she is vomiting onto you.

Her words are commonly referred to as Fogbabble. Plus it sounds like the Ahole dumped her, so there is the scorned woman dealio going on.

You should be the calm, solid, grounded dude in the storm. Keep you heartache to yourself at present.

I noticed during your thread, you didn't whine and cry about you. That is admirable. You are a good guy. She knows that.

Stay calm. The wounds have just opened. Let things heal for a while.

Stay strong, healthy, get enough sleep and look into antidepresants if the rollercoaster seems to wild a ride.

k

But she has already got the lawyer to draw up the divorce papers, she says she wants to go ahead with the divorce and then be friends.

How do I know if this guy is out of the picture if I mention him she goes beserk. She has just began to want to talk on the phone and she said she would call me later on in the week. Could she be trying to be nice in order for me to go ahead with the divorce or is she grabbing @ straws?

That's fine, she can want that. With the speed of this all, her heart, mind, and brain are all going in different directions. Just because she "wants" something doesn't mean you have to give her anything.......

Sure she may file for divorce and get one, but other than "protect" yourself, you don't have to agree with or participate in that.

You've received a lot of good feed back here. Please take a moment to find/read the Basic Concepts here and look into a plan 'A'. No Love busters, no disrespectful judgments, no angry outbursts, no selfish behavior...just take the time to shine.

She tells me that when we got married she thought that it was just the next step in her life, after all this happened she tells me that she never should of married. I think the affair started after only 4 months of our wedding

And she'll tell you a bunch more things before this is all done. This is called "FOG" talk. It's basically human nature to not want to accept responsibility for one's hurtful and wrong actions. Thus, she's searching for justfications, rationalzations, and some other "tions" so she doesn't have to feel.

This is where when she talks to you and sees you, if you act inappropiately, she can say SEE, you've always done that or YOU'll never change or I never loved you.

If you continue to shine (no LB, DJ, safety, blah blah blah) eventually she has to look at herself rather than project her issues on you. Put your faith and effort into truths, now not just her emotion of the hour.

Quite simply ALL ABOARD....Buckle your seat belt..and prepare for the Roller Coaster Ride of your life.

Just got off the phone with her we talked about the friendship thing and she said that it would not go any further than that. I did not mention anything of it going further. Do I just talk to her as a friend or what should I do. Right now she wants to just talk on the phone

I thought she said she'd call "later in the week."

Gaboy, I wouldn't always be around for her calls. Let her wonder what you're up to.

Seems to me that she's trying to look like she's "in control" by calling all the shots -- like filing for divorce. But she's not in control. She's blown it, big.

Don't let her jerk your chain. Let her go into free fall.

GABOY, (I hope this means your from Georgia)

"married she thought that it was just the next step in her life, after all this happened she tells me that she never should of married."

You dated for 8 YEARS and lived together for 2 of those, before you got married, right?

TOTAL FOGBABBLE!!

Again, you must not let anything RASH (like the big D) happen this quickly.

Ask her what is the hurry? Calmly and rationally request that she put the D thinking on hold for 3 months.

It sounds like there is a third party putting these thoughts in her head and words in her mouth. Something may still be going on.

k

EDITED TO ADD: "If I mention him she goes beserk"!

Maybe she wasn't totally dumped. Maybe the Ahole still keeps her on the string for emergencies.

Have you ever thought of confronting the guy, in person? Is there anyone close to him you could expose to?

k

What she wants right now is for you to lay down and take her abuse with no complaint. She doesn't want you to force her to see the consequences of her destructive behavior. She wants you to shut up and be happy about it. See what I mean? You should not accomodate her in this endeavor.

You are not her "friend," and likely would not choose someone for a friend who lied to you and betrayed you. You are her husband. Keep reminding her that you are not her "friend," you are her husband, would like to stay that way and are very hurt by her behavior.